Tag Archives: yuvraj singh

Indian Cricketers tell people they are about to die

While it was clear that watching a Mark Waugh ad about dandruff could kill you, he never said it outright.

The Indian cricketers have.

And it’s creepy and brilliant.

Based on the performances of Sachin, Yuvraj and especially Viru, I am now writing a horror script for them to star in.

The only one I won’t cast is Virat, because it’s clear he’s not acting and is actually a murderer.

If you’re reading this Virat, only joking. If I turn up with an armed guard when I have to interview you, that’s also part of the joke.

Apparently the players and BCCi want the ad banned. But only because they have just realised that Virat really is a serial killer.

As for Yuvraj and the grave digging scene, that’s in bad taste, isn’t it? I mean, in this day and age Yuvraj would have employed a guy with a truck to do that, wouldn’t he?

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Yuvraj in special effects masterpiece

Fire comes from Yuvi’s ass in this ad, and that is not the best special effect in it.

The best special effect is how thin he looks.

From BCCI.

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Jrod does not have dengue fever

Yes, I am in Sri Lanka.

Yes, I am in Dambulla.

Yes, I am in the kandalama hotel.

But, no, I do not have dengue fever.

I don’t even have a cold.

Earlier in my trip i did throw up and shit myself at the same time.

In Dambulla, I have felt fine.

Yuvraj, who I saw at the buffet, looked fine as well.

I’m not saying he doesn’t have dengue fever, just that if he had it, it looks a whole shitload better than my food poisoning from earlier in the week.

And to be honest, enough though I have heard of dengue fever, I have no idea what it does to you, for all I know it means you can’t remember the words to Hotel California, but everything else is fine.

More importantly, I am ok.

And just for fun, enjoy this.

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Yuvraj Singh starring in Adam Sandler remake

Apparently Yuvraj hates being called a water boy.

I can understand why, as Ceci has proved, he is a water distribution engineer.

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Yuvraj’s bulge

I put this big boy up on cricinfo, but I don’t see why I shouldn’t spread the love here:

If all cricketers were like Mike Hussey or AB de Villiers, cricket would be a little samey. Yes, there is a place for the overachieving accountant and the Christian-pop lovers in cricket, but cricket also needs diversity.

One great cricketing diversity has always been seen in waistbands. In normal life someone of WG Grace’s girth might have been a laughing stock, but in cricket he was one of the gods. Arjuna Ranatunga might have the body shape of a guy who owns a doughnut emporium in Idaho, but he also has a World Cup. And while Mike Gatting should be abused for being a tad portly, he is instead abused for his reverse sweep.

Yuvraj Singh is one of the best batsmen to watch in world cricket when he’s in form. He is ego personified. Yuvraj doesn’t just hit the ball, he lets it rebound off his aura. But now he has been dropped after a poor run of form and higher numbers on the scale. It seems unfair. In this world of political correctness gone crazy, a man can be pushed aside just because he enjoys his food and missed a few gym sessions.

When talking about Yuvraj’s axing, Kris Srikkanth might have mentioned form, but he quickly mentioned fitness afterwards. It was an axing based on form and physical form. There can be no doubt, size matters to the Indian selectors.

As an advocate of all body types, I’d like you to think about what cricket would miss if larger men had always been shunned:

Would legspin have come back into cricket if Shane Warne had not been allowed to play?

Imagine a world without Inzamam’s sublime batting and farcical running.

Minnow cricket could hardly stand up right if it were not kept balanced by Bermuda’s favourite son, Dwayne Leverlock.

How could anyone ever want to live knowing that the moustaches of David Boon and Merv Hughes were hidden from the world because of belly issues?

Think of the joy in Jesse Ryder laughing while he stood at the non-striker’s end on 99, watching Chris Martin bat?

Don’t tell me that seeing Ramesh Powar play international cricket didn’t fill you with glee.

These men have left a mark on international cricket just in the last couple of decades, and there is more where that came from. Cricket is not a game just for the athletically gifted. It is a game for the fat man who can hit, the large-bummed bowling athlete, and the round captain. It is a game that not only embraces standing still for long periods of time, but if you get hurt you can just stand there and hit while another man does the running for you. It also breaks for lunch and drinks.

It couldn’t possibly be more aimed at the ample-framed. Wicketkeepers need girth to ensure that no ball passes them. Batsmen need size to ensure balance. Fast bowlers need rump for power through the crease. And spinners need to be large to lull batsmen into a false sense of security.

This game of cricket cannot become a sizeist sport. The large-boned man must be placed up on a reinforced pedestal, because large men are cricket. Fat men are jollier, cooler, and less likely to talk about good areas or momentum than anyone else. So ridding the game of them is against the true spirit of cricket.

I don’t care if Yuvraj comes back with seven chins, cankles and washes himself with a rag on a stick, I just like to see him bat. His waist size has never had anything to do with it.

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Yuvraj’s waist now almost as big as his ego

India’s former chief chef has criticised the dropping of Yuvraj Singh. The chef told Oprah. “had they just said, ‘Sit on the reinforced bench. You’ll be in the reserves, we are playing somebody else but be part of the team, get your roundness right, get your act right, buy a pedometer and get disciplined also.’ That would give him more encouragement.”

While many larger men play world cricket, not everyone has the innate athleticism of a Jesse Ryder to pull around the extra pounds around so gracefully. There is no doubt that Yuvraj is a talent, he has been telling everyone for years, the problem is he has many talents. One of them is clearly eating. With a poor recent run in one-day internationals, shocking results in the IPL and being knocked out early on India’s biggest loser, form is not on his side. “Yuvraj has always been larger than life, now it is a literal meaning. Fat dudes can still be good batsmen, but Yuvraj might have learnt the Mark Cosgrove lesson, you’re only in the team if your average is larger than your waist size”.

The former chief chef also pointed out that it may not have been Yuvraj’s form alone that meant he was dropped. “The selectors have to weigh up all the aspects of Yuvraj’s cricket. His ad to run conversion had always been the envy of most cricketers, but that has now dropped, and you can’t ignore things like that”.

There was also talk about an authorised hot dog eating contest in a St Lucia bar after India’s exit from the World T20. “I’m not saying that is ideal, but the boys need to blow of some steam after a loss like that. You’d hope that they could steer clear of seedy eating contests and high carb foods, but you can’t be their father.”

Several experts have stated that this sort of thing would never have happened in their day. “Times have changed. We are in a professional age, and the high definition thousand frame cameras pick up every wobble. While I think the decision was a mistake, Yuvraj will have to work hard at making sure his ego is the only thing that is inflated”.

The chef does have high hopes. “I think Yuvraj will bounce back. He is a well-rounded individual. He can still have a large impact on Indian cricket. It is hard to replace a man of his stature.”

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overused phrases

While watching the 2020 game yesterday I heard a phrase I have heard so often that it amazes me people still say it.

“You don’t see Yuvraj misfield much”.

Yuvraj has some good skills as a fielder.

He is also lazy, a little dozey, and on a bad day as fumbly as can be.

The sort of guy that will take the special catch and drop the dolly.

It isn’t Yuvraj’s fault, he is who he is.

But why do we have to hear it?

We know it isn’t true by the fact that it seems to be said at least twice every game he plays in.

Yuvraj isn’t the only one.

Brad Haddin missed two balls in last test match that the batsmen had left. You can’t get much easier than that.

The commentators expressed their surprise. Both times.

But when was the last match you saw that Haddin didn’t drop a regulation take or two.

It can’t always be the Lord’s slope.

And how often when he does so has he been called a poor keeper, or called for his shoddy keeping? Like say Matt Prior has been.

Some players just get the run in the box. Reality seems to run a distant second to how they are promoted.

Just once I want to hear, “Fuck me, Yuvraj, for a bloke with fielding skills you sure do fuck up alot”, or “Brad has fumbled again, I feel like I have said that 12 fucken times this test.”

A boy can dream.

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The Ultimate IPL Guide: Kings XI Punjab

Classically attractive, but unsexy.

Porn star: Yuvraj Singh

Showed all the captaincy instincts of a squirrel last series. But the fans and cameras love him. Will look cool a lot, but maybe not much more.

Pole Dancer: Shaun Marsh

Was the best batsmen of the first tournament, will be in Pakistan for a time, but once he is back he gives the Kings a spine.

Boy Next Door: Piyush Chawla

Another legspinner, but more of an absurdist straight breaker. Very hard to get away and should be a major strike weapon for the Punjabi kings.

Model: Brett Lee

Chance he wont play, but really wasn’t that much of a figure last season anyway. If he plays the South African pitches will help him. Will be desperate to impress.

Home Made/Amateur: Burt Cockley

Fast bowling NSWales nobody with a great name.

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Myths & Facts from India’s jaunt to New Zealand

Sportsfreak takes a look through the series.

So the Indians will be boarding their jumbo about now, and for the final piece of excitement will be undergoing a take-off into a Wellington gale. Their fans will be cleaning their whiteboards in preparation for more normal use, and the rest of us look back on our brief time in the same playground as the big boys.

Obviously, there was going to be a lot of hype surrounding this tour; after all the test batting line-up boasted something like 107 test centuries before the series started, and constantly added to that over the last 3 weeks.

And we got to see first hand the likes of Tendulkar and Dravid for the last time, and Dhoni and Ishant for the first time, and were able to notice the difference in attitude and swagger between the two.

So we look at some of the theories that were floated before and during the series and see if they are fact or some hybrid of Indian Myth and Lord of the Rings special effects.

Tests in NZ in April do not work
Myth actually.

People will point to the fact that the April test ended with rain, but that only kicked in with 3 hours left in the match; that’s not bad for New Zealand. April, comparatively, is reasonably reliable.

And the tests were certainly less affected than the ODIs in February/ March.

Light was clearly an issue after the daylight saving change, but that was more of a management issue.

Dhoni is an attacking captain
Well some of his bowling changes are inspirational, and no more so than bringing Tendulkar on during the last day at the Basin.

But that declaration in the same test can always be held up as the perfect example that he can be as cautious as a shell-shocked Ponting.

He lets Harbhajan talk him into defensive field placings too.

Ryder is too fat for test cricket
Ha ha. Myth. A big fat myth too Adam.

He does have a weakness against top quality spin early on, but he’ll sort that out soon.

Yuvraj is rubbish outside of the Sub-continent
Absolute fact.

He was miserable here, apart from a couple of meagre cameos with the pressure off.

And remember this was on placid pitches against an ordinary attack.

Ishant Sharma is the Real Deal and the Final Product
Not yet he’s not. Despite what last year promised.

He had one good spell in Hamilton, and then roughed up Vettori at the Basin.

But in between times he looked more sulky than anything else. He perfected the act of hiding in the outfield in Napier when things got tricky, and he certainly didn’t seem to take to the Wellington wind.

Totally outplayed by the underrated Zaheer all series.

McCullum isn’t the batsman he was a year ago
Myth.

That was probably his most consistent series as a test batsman. A shocking dismissal in the first innings in Hamilton was followed by composed knocks afterwards. His maturity in batting with O’Brien in the second innings of that match was class, and he held his head well in Napier.

At the Basin he got stuck with O’Brien again, and was sawn off in the second innings. Will probably be tried at #6 in the near future, which is about the only spot in the order where he has not been used yet.

Superb keeping too.

Taylor needs time to adjust from ODIs to tests.
Fact. Fact. Fact. Contrast the push across the line on the first morning in Hamilton with the 2nd innings resistance at the Basin.

Imagine what he could do in a 5 test series.

Harbhajan is a wind-up artist
True. And a very good one at that.

He didn’t get under the skin of the New Zealanders like he did with the Australians last year, but he sure wound the commentators up.

Note how he does well in the questionable umpiring decision stakes too. Not a coincidence.

Sehwag plays all forms of the game in exactly the same way
Myth. He bats for longer in T20s and ODIs.

Vettori is not the test bowler he used to be
Fact. And a pretty old fact at that.

If you want proof, get a video of him bowling on the 4th morning in the Basin, and then watch Tendulkar bowl 24 hours later.

It’s toe-curling stuff, and it’s even worse to hear certain radio commentators air the myth that he is a world-class spinner.

The World will miss Tendulkar
Fact.

Sad but true.

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Chaminda the small wonderhorse

You have to respect Chaminda Vaas.

Not just on his 400 wickets in One Day cricket.

But on knowing where he his place is in the world.

He knows he isn’t Wasim Akram.

But only 3 others have taken 400 wickets.

And he is still humble.

“There were a lot of guys more talented than me, My game was limited but I worked harder. Nothing comes easy to you, you have got to make the most of your talent.”

These days other cricketers make a few hundreds or take a big haul or two and you’d think they were Elvis.

Sri Lanka though grows these humble cricketers, who perform over and over again, while bigger name players from other countries squander away their talent like horny sailers.

Yuvraj Singh was Vass’ 400th.

Life can be poetic.

Vaas wouldn’t make comments like this though, too good a bloke.

If I took 400 one day wickets I would be running around the stadium naked covered in eagle feathers drunk on 7 bottles of Canadian club until I collapsed.

There have been times when Vaas has been the best one day bowler in the world, statistically and realistically.

Like the 2000 & 3 world cup.

But the man is a worker, a miniature Clydesdale, and few have represented Sri Lanka better in the history of cricket.

Cricket With Balls salutes the man.

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