Tag Archives: tony greig

Tony Greig’s true calling

Tony Greig just happened.

It never made much sense to anyone, but one day he just entered the global cricket consciousness, and like an enormous loud and often wrong tick, he never went away.

For years Tony Greig just went on being Tony Greig.

I never got it, and I don’t think anyone else did.

Then today I saw the film Snowtown.

And suddenly Tony Greig’s meaning became clear to me.

While a brother rapes his brother in another sunny scene from Snowtown, we hear Tony Greig selling a limited print of David Boon on the TV in the background.

The whole event happens moment after what looked like Javagal Srinath coming in to bowl. Which may or may not have triggered the incestous rape scene that is so well narrated by Tony Greig.

Sometimes we have to sit through hours and hours and hours and years of someone who we all detest just for that one moment of brilliant pop culture usage, and that certainly seems the case for Tony Greig and his cameo in Snowtown.

Now he makes sense to me, he was here for that one short scene.

Once you’ve seen the film, which is a grim tale about bogan killers in Adelaide (a similarly grim film about the Redbacks shield form over the last few years is in production “booftown”), you’ll never see, or hear, Greig the same way again.

And isn’t that what art is about, making you think of incestous male on male rape when you hear a commentator you don’t like?

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What a big day in cricket

There was a time when I tried to cover all the issues in cricket in my own way.

It’s good I don’t anymore as I think today would have killed me.

Warne being fined 50,000 benjamins for knocking an official who on his profile claims to have won a title on his own once is worth a post just so you can talk about how the lost 50Gs might mean some of his face goes back into a normal human facial structure. Although it could stop him from spending his spare 50 large on  cricket betting to make a few extra dollars on the way out, or, it could force his hand to make the money back.

Tony Greig has come out against India ruling the world.  Perhaps they didn’t grovel at his feet enough when he was involved in the rebel league and made out with some fat cash from the ICL.  Greig also called Lillee a bit of a fairy, which is rich from the guy who wore a postman helmet to face him.

Hansie Cronje is in the news again (I mean really, this guy gets more press than Princess Di or 2pac) now he’s winning the Siyabakhumbula Tribute Award.  This award means he’s changed the landscape of the country, I do hope that isn’t a meta joke about his plane crash. And if you’re disgusted by my behaviour on that last line, the devil made me do it, and now I’ve found God and shit.

Stuart Clark is retiring from cricket to become a cricket administrator, but still reserves the right to play if NSWales need him.  It’s a very similar situation to Michael Jordan’s role at the Washington BulletsWizards, except Stuart Clarke isn’t cool, and won’t sell many Sydney Sixers shirts. Clark also retired from international cricket in one of the least needed statements in human history.

Danish Kaneria can’t play for Pakistan because of being too close to the grift Mervyn Westfield is accused of. Zulqarnain Zully Q-Dawg Haider may also not be allowed to play for Pakistan because he didn’t want to be involved in a grift. “Wanna bet” is the most loaded innocent phrase you can say in the Pakistani changeroom right now. The PCB is like every coke addled bi-polar girlfriend you’ve ever been afraid of.  I expect my lawsuit is on the way, Ijaz?

Stuart Law called England the number 1 team in the world because Sri Lanka are playing them.  Managing expectations is only a press conference away.

Also, just for something different, some in the West Indies doesn’t like someone else in the West Indies.  It might not have been in the news, but I’m sure it’s accurate.

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What is worse? ICL or Jail

Old cricketers have a few options available to them.

Pundit, administracrat, coach, ICL player, or drug mule.

The first three require brains, or nude photos of important people, the last two don’t.

Had Chris Lewis played in the ICL he would not have trafficked illegal drugs.

If he was bowling to Craig McMillan and batting with Stuart Law he wouldn’t have time to put cocaine into cans and take it into the UK.

You can’t do both. Obviously.

The question is what is  worse, to be a drug mule or an ICL cricketer?

If Lewis had received a 6 month sentence, he could realistically be playing international cricket before the ICL players (talent, dedication and age not withstanding).

There is probably more money in playing for the ICL, if they pay you, not even Lalit can get you jail time for playing in it.

On the plus side prison uniforms are usually way more flattering than anything the IPL has.

The ICL has Mayanti Langer, in prison Chris Lewis is the Mayanti.

Going to prison gives you street cred, playing in the ICL means you hang with Chris Harris.

And in Prison you don’t have to deal with Tony Greig.

Chris Lewis has got it easy.

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Ashes fact 90

Tony Greig ‘invented’ the cricket helmet.

It is often said he did so because of Lillee, Thommo and the West Indian quicks.

Truth is he invented it because when he walked down the street – every street he ever walked on – people threw rocks at his head.

Hard ones.

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India cannot lose

This test is a waste of 5 days.

The Indian players should be getting thier shots for Africa.

They cannot lose this test.

It shouldn’t even be called a test, it should be called a walk in the park with a loved one.

Although it should be shorter and catchier.

I say all this because I said South Africa couldn’t win the last test, and they won by an innings and change.

So I figured I might as well give it another go.

Things that are more likley to happen than the Kiwis winning.

Tony Greig admitting he is the reason Brett Lee and his wfe split, cause he wouldn’t stop humping Lee’s leg.

KP announcing he is quitting cricket to find himself by trekking through the himilayas with a robot monkey.

Sunil Gavaskar to finally admit he is a painful bore more often than not.

Arjuna Ranatunga to become a freegan.

Michael Holding to say he always wished he was white, and that he could play the recorder.

Stephen Fleming to start writing for the Daily Mail.

New Zealand has no hope, if they weren’t at home, i’d tell them to go home and not to bother themselves with this match.

India will win, inside 4 days, Bhajji will dance, Zaheer will be a hottie, and people will start to wonder why India has to beat up New Zealand in so many test matches.

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Understanding 2020

If you play in a competition run by a faux knight who gets charged for fraud the cricket world still loves you.

If you play in a competition designed by a man found guilty of kidknapping who sells tar for a living the cricket world still loves you.

If you play in a competition in association with a South African English cricket commentator who likes Blonde Boys and Sri Lankans the cricket world pretends you don’t exist.

Usually I would say this is unfair, but, it is Tony Greig, and he is obviously worse than a a fraudster or a kidknapper.

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The facebook group you must join

It’s called, Tony Greig, you’re a fuckhead.

Such brevity and yet such insight.

It is frankly perfect.

I suggest you join it immediately.

Unless you have yet to join as a facebook fan of the balls, or the vics, then you should join them first.

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The first final of the rabies league

I figured that since I was watching the ICL, I might as well tell you about it.

So click on read more for all the ICL goodness.

The Hyderabad Heroes were held back when they batted, or weighed down might be a better phrase, as Jimmy Maher just potted along at run a ball, when the pitch looked like a belter.

Thanks to the troglodydic all rounder Abdul Razzaq they put on 170 odd, but on the last 5 overs they should have had got a lot more.

Then Imran Nazir came out, and batted like a demon for 8 balls or so. Eventually Lahore found themselves at 3/136 needing a run a ball for the last 6 overs.

Then Chris Harris came on.

He bowled one of the overs of his life, and its been a long life.

Inzy and Mohammad Yousuf were at the crease and the game was over.

Harris came on and started off the over by bowling big Inzy with a skidder.

It was classic Harris, short of a length on the stumps, it was short enough that Inzy was eying which part of the crowd he was going to put it in, then it skidded, and bowled he was.

Then later in the over Lahore took another badly run run, so to speak, and the throw came in to Harris but it was miles from the stumps.

So Harris parried/bunted/bitchslapped the ball towards the stumps from about 2 metres away, running out Mohammad Yousuf.

Now that is an over.

Unfortunately it wasn’t enough from the grand old man, and Lahore got home at the first ball of the last over.

The Lahore Badass Mofo’s lived up to their name, the double hyphened Rana-ul-Naved gave Razzaq one of the loudest looking (I know) send offs ever.

And Razzaq got angry and just for a moment I thought there might be a chance of a little stoush.

This allowed Tony Greig to keep up with his anti-Pakistani propaganda.

“I’m afraid to say the scores are now level and Pakistan (not Lahore) are now going to win the game (because they are dirty), and when I say afraid to say, I’m afraid to say it because the Hyderabad heroes (they are good sports, which I have said many times) really have fought well (without cheating).”

He may not have made the (bracketed) comments.

But he was particularly anti-Pakistani today.

Not anti-Lahorian funnily enough.

It’s amazing he never seems to really bag Indians or Sri Lanka, he knows where he his bread is buttered.

Two more finals to go, plenty of time for Tony Greig to really stick the boot into the country of Pakistan.

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time for a culling

Disclaimer, if you do not believe Tony Greig is the reason bambi’s mother died, this post filled with expletives and character assassination may not be for you.

Cricinfo have just completed a survey on who is the most popular cricket commentator in the world.

Harsha Bhogle just pipped Ravi Shastri and Richie Benaud.

Not a bad top 3, but I would think Michael Holding was unlucky to miss the top 3.

That isn’t the problem though, the problem is at number 4.

Tony fucken Greig.

What the fuck?

Tony Greig?

How did he even get in the top ten, in the top hundred, the top thousand.

I was at a bar once watching cricket, and this guy was oozing blood from a wound on his neck, and that blood had bacteria in it, and the bacteria was more insightful on the state of play than Tony.

Then to add insult to herpes, he gets voted most entertaining.

What is that, an ironic award now.

How could he be more entertaining than Bumble, Boycott or Lawry.

Anyone who voted for Tony should be terminated, slowly.

If you ever needed proof the world was filled with fuckwits, this is it.

I thought i was finished but I’m not.

Tony Greig is a name dropping, attention seeking, money grabbing, loyalty diving, asian bride hating, parasite who feeds on the very game that made him.

He will go to any lengths to profit from cricket, and can’t even get the players names right.

But above all that, he is a shit commentator.

True story.

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Sportsfreak joins the chorus

Sportsfreak agree with me, so I posted this.

Lost amongst the allegations of racial abuse, taunts, and bowlers pontificating towards the dressing rooms, one of the most disappointing aspects of the recent Indian tour of Australia has been the steep and very obvious decline of the Channel Nine commentary team.

Once the pinnacle of cricket broadcasting (and some may say broadcasting in any sport), this outfit has become more embarrassing by the year. And during the 2007/8 series, they finally reached their collective nadir.

It is a sad sight when any public figure loses the plot. However, when an entire commentary team simultaneously submerges itself in a sea of drivel, questions need to be asked.

Tony Greig, the South African/English/Australian consistently recognised as one of cricket’s biggest ever mercenaries, is many years past his best before date (if indeed he ever had one). His place in the commentary box came compliments of a thank you from the late Kerry Packer for all his work during the World Series Cricket years. Now that Kerry has departed this mortal coil, it is time that Greig’s commentary career suffered a similar fate.

His condescending attitude has steadily worsened over the years, which is no mean feat – this is from the man who used to describe Gundappa Viswanath as “Little Vishy”, as if he was a five year old referring to his pet goldfish.

As far as Bill Lawry goes, his commentaries have declined into a state of borderline senility. His bizarre ranting during the 20/20 game at the MCG was the effort of an elderly man, who, in a state of dementia, had reverted back to his preschool years. It was a thorough embarrassment watching a grown man whooping it up like he had just won lotto.

A couple of years ago, Mark Nicholas was a very good front man. He had the ability to temper some of the jingoistic Australian twaddle with a level-headed approach that lent the Channel Nine team some credibility. But, as the crew at Cricket with Art rightly point out, he appears to have fallen victim to Stockholm Syndrome, and any sense of balance has been beaten out of him by his captors.

The new breed of Taylor, Healy and Slater have now been on board for a few seasons. Taylor and Healy are very ordinary at best, seemingly there as a result of their efforts to be so pro-Australian that the others pale in comparison. Slater looked to have plenty of potential a couple of years ago, but has not progressed thanks to the team of donkeys around him. All too often he is heard sniggering like a primary school girl at the back of the box as a result of some in-joke between he and Taylor that nobody else is allowed in on. Must have had some rude words in them. When Gilly arrives, he is surely gone.

Ian Chappell is, was and always has been a commentary enigma. He, of all the Channel Nine crew, is the most likely to provide the best technical analysis – he is also capable of pointing out something so thought provoking that it will stop the viewer in their tracks. However, this is tempered by snide remarks usually directed at anybody playing Australia. The smarmy delivery does not make for easy listening, and at times over the last few seasons it almost appears as though he is getting bored with it all. The ignoring of Tendulkar is just plain sour grapes.

And of course last, but not least, there is Richie.

Long regarded as the doyen of TV cricket commentators, the once great Richie Benaud has gone on two seasons too long. His time on the microphone has been drastically reduced, yet when he DOES appear, he is reduced to corny one liners in a “really guys, I am very funny” method. If further proof was needed, his display in the Symonds vs Streaker episode was particularly unamusing.

Mind you, everyone else in the commentary box thought Richie was hilaaaaaarious. Course they did. He is, after all, their Godfather.

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