Tag Archives: stuart law

Sri Lankan soap opera production’s presents: The Balcony

A team in political crisis playing the form of the game they understand, completely choke an English line up to within inches of defeat.

We start with overpriced bad blended whisky poured into glasses in preparation for their win at the unofficial home of cricket.

Stuart Law is out the back booking flights to bangladesh, his work is done.  Marvan Attapatu is doing stomach crunches.  Lasith Malinga is eating whatever food Duleep Mendis has left behind.

And only Dilshan watches on the whole time. His face tattooed into a single look of “I think we’re alright, aren’t we?”

As the tension, from an artificial plot device, builds, the rest of the characters start becoming more prominent.

Lasith Malinga, who sprays the Lord’s members with samosa crumbs, is vitriolic towards the men in the middle. Screaming at them as the food in his mouth makes his words unintelligible.

Law, leaving his laptop for a moment, comes out to tell Dilshan that he has sent gloves out, and these are magic gloves that will save the day.

Dumith’s run out on the ground to bring gloves and water was brief respite from the seriouesness of the balcony, and his run back a few seconds later with a bat was a lovely almost instant call back that soap operas usually ignore.

The English boys all played their part.  KP the main who could not believe that anyone would put himself before his team.  Kieswetter as the guy trying to look angry while really looking like he was miscast.  To the outsider it may have looked Cook’s face never changed for a moment, but his subtle performance was all in the gap between his eyebrowes.

Mathews and Chandimal were amazing, giving the scene tension and farce, whilst reminding us that good writing doesn’t always have to be drama.  Mathews did so little in his performance that you could argue he was hardly there, but that was the real genius of him, he was the rock that the angst and worry pivoted around.

Attapatu was brilliant as the stoic friend to Dilshan who sits beside him as he goes through all the emotions, but never feels the need to complicate their relationship by speaking.

But ultimately it is Dilshan who steals the show.

Dilshan may be a pirate with a bat in his hand, but on the balcony he is the nervous matriarch of the family.  It’s his face that tells us that he is watching something going wrong.

As Chandimal and Mathews decided to get the remaining runs in agony, Dilshan’s face spoke to us all.

“Have I left the oven on.

Maybe I did leave the oven on.

I really can’t remember if I’ve left the oven on.

If I’ve left the oven, what will happen?

No, I didn’t leave the oven on, but I should always double check before leaving the house just to be sure.”

The whole time this happens, Dilshan barely says a word.

Yet, he carries the whole show.

It takes some special effort to be the man on the balcony, and still be the star.


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What a big day in cricket

There was a time when I tried to cover all the issues in cricket in my own way.

It’s good I don’t anymore as I think today would have killed me.

Warne being fined 50,000 benjamins for knocking an official who on his profile claims to have won a title on his own once is worth a post just so you can talk about how the lost 50Gs might mean some of his face goes back into a normal human facial structure. Although it could stop him from spending his spare 50 large on  cricket betting to make a few extra dollars on the way out, or, it could force his hand to make the money back.

Tony Greig has come out against India ruling the world.  Perhaps they didn’t grovel at his feet enough when he was involved in the rebel league and made out with some fat cash from the ICL.  Greig also called Lillee a bit of a fairy, which is rich from the guy who wore a postman helmet to face him.

Hansie Cronje is in the news again (I mean really, this guy gets more press than Princess Di or 2pac) now he’s winning the Siyabakhumbula Tribute Award.  This award means he’s changed the landscape of the country, I do hope that isn’t a meta joke about his plane crash. And if you’re disgusted by my behaviour on that last line, the devil made me do it, and now I’ve found God and shit.

Stuart Clark is retiring from cricket to become a cricket administrator, but still reserves the right to play if NSWales need him.  It’s a very similar situation to Michael Jordan’s role at the Washington BulletsWizards, except Stuart Clarke isn’t cool, and won’t sell many Sydney Sixers shirts. Clark also retired from international cricket in one of the least needed statements in human history.

Danish Kaneria can’t play for Pakistan because of being too close to the grift Mervyn Westfield is accused of. Zulqarnain Zully Q-Dawg Haider may also not be allowed to play for Pakistan because he didn’t want to be involved in a grift. “Wanna bet” is the most loaded innocent phrase you can say in the Pakistani changeroom right now. The PCB is like every coke addled bi-polar girlfriend you’ve ever been afraid of.  I expect my lawsuit is on the way, Ijaz?

Stuart Law called England the number 1 team in the world because Sri Lanka are playing them.  Managing expectations is only a press conference away.

Also, just for something different, some in the West Indies doesn’t like someone else in the West Indies.  It might not have been in the news, but I’m sure it’s accurate.

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What is worse? ICL or Jail

Old cricketers have a few options available to them.

Pundit, administracrat, coach, ICL player, or drug mule.

The first three require brains, or nude photos of important people, the last two don’t.

Had Chris Lewis played in the ICL he would not have trafficked illegal drugs.

If he was bowling to Craig McMillan and batting with Stuart Law he wouldn’t have time to put cocaine into cans and take it into the UK.

You can’t do both. Obviously.

The question is what is  worse, to be a drug mule or an ICL cricketer?

If Lewis had received a 6 month sentence, he could realistically be playing international cricket before the ICL players (talent, dedication and age not withstanding).

There is probably more money in playing for the ICL, if they pay you, not even Lalit can get you jail time for playing in it.

On the plus side prison uniforms are usually way more flattering than anything the IPL has.

The ICL has Mayanti Langer, in prison Chris Lewis is the Mayanti.

Going to prison gives you street cred, playing in the ICL means you hang with Chris Harris.

And in Prison you don’t have to deal with Tony Greig.

Chris Lewis has got it easy.

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Stuart Law is a terrorist

Kill him.

Right now, before he entraps younglings.

So kill him.

Before his kind of vermin take over the world.

He should be caught, hung, and then have his body burnt, just to be safe.

It is that simple.

Why is he a terrorist, well he plays in the ICL.

And that is a unacceptable.

It is the biggest crime you can do in cricket.

Take drugs, it’s ok, take money to throw your innings, never mind, be a South Africa, oh go one then.

But the ICL, that is way worse.

It’s like being a Nazi Scientologist who is a member of NAMBLA.

So Staurt Law must be taken out.

His kids should also be murdered for his crimes.

You know, so that future generations don’t grow up to be ICL players.

Law is the latest player to get fucked over for having the stain of ICL on his shirt collar.

He had the audacity to be almost be a batting coach of Australian juniors while still playing in the ICL.

Dizzy Gillespie had the same thought processes, the swine.

Not that long ago it was reported that an Indian ICL player was escorted from his old cricket club, couldn’t have him mixing with clean living cricketers.

OK it’s an unauthorised competition, we get it.

We really do, we understand why the IPL people might be pissed with it.

But is any of this working?

People are still playing in it, it’s still mildly successful, and no amount of harsh treatment seems to be stopping that.

What it is doing, is stopping Dizzy Gillespie helping out Australia’s young bowlers, and Stuart Law helping out the young batsmen.

And if they are really going to fuck over people involved with the ICL, why is Tony Greig allowed to watch, commentate, shit over, and come in any contact with authorised cricket?

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Michael Hussey, the IPL’s biach

This site engages in a form of journalism called “We told ya so”.

Recently I said that Michael Hussey, would play for Chennai in the champions league thingy, because he likes to please people.

He can’t play for them as Australia are preparing for their tour of India, and daddy Sutherland said no.

But, this is what Hussey said

“I’m a Western Australia boy through and through, born and bred, so if I’m playing a competition I’d probably prefer to play for Western Australia, But if the rules state that I’m playing for Chennai, then I’m very happy to play for them as well.”

At this stage there are no rules, and more importantly, you have not signed a contract saying you are willing to put the IPL first.

And then he went on to say that he was originally told he could play for Western Australia if they made it.

“To hear something different seems a bit strange to me,” Hussey said, “but obviously if that’s the rules, that’s the rules.”

Stop talking about the rules King Probot.

There are no rules.

If he told you that you’d be able to play for your state, and that there is no contract stating otherwise, then Modi can place his hand up his own behind rip out his prostate and lick it.

Hussey would never want to cause a fuss, and is probably secretly thrilled the decision has been made for him.

Stuart Law on the other hand has taken a slightly different stance on the ban on ICL players from the super league.

“I’m going to play and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop me.”

Good luck with that mate.

I do agree with his stance, and he does make valid points,

“There are no rules for the Champions League yet so how can anybody disqualify us? All I’m trying to do is earn my living in this big, bad world.”

But I restate my previous sentiment.

Good luck with that mate.

Modi may back down on his home team stance, but you’d think Godzilla her self would be needed for him to let the enemy into his private league.

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