Tag Archives: lankans

Hi Angelo

I once wrote that Angelo Mathews did not really exist. He just seemed a bit too awesome. And not like other Sri Lankan cricketers. Angelo wasn’t a graceful middle-order mestro, or a tubby fighter. Angelo wasn’t a top-order slogger, or even a tricky spinner. That’s what Sri Lankan cricket was; we’d got use to their best players fitting these stereotypes. And suddenly here was this broad-shouldered (© Tony Greig), seam-bowling allrounder who could win a game batting, bowling or fielding.

It was too weird for me to process, so I just pretended he didn’t exist.

I felt like this when he fell over wickets against India, bowled Sri Lanka into a World T20 final, took a catch that went viral on Youtube and smashed Australia around the G. Now, finally after all these years, I am willing to admit that Angelo Mathews does exist, and he exists well. Really well. Weller than most. Peter Weller, well.

Forget for a minute he looks like he’s been drawn by a Sri Lankan artist trying to make a cool superhero, and that his skin looks so smooth that I sometimes think it’s not actually skin. And just think about the way he fights.
Allrounders usually come in two ways: gifted and lazy, or plucky and up for a fight. Mathews is gifted and up for a fight. He loves a fight. The worse Sri Lanka play, the better he seems to be. Every time I come into some pointless ODI with Sri Lanka already having collapsed to no real chance of a win, there is Mathews, annoyingly stuck at the non-striker’s end, looking frustrated and angry.

Always angry. So very angry.

Mathews really doesn’t like to lose. And I don’t mean that in the clichéd sports way, I mean it in the you can see it in his face way.

When he brought up his half-century tonight at the WACA, he didn’t raise his bat for the crowd’s polite adulation. He just looked angry. Angry that yet again his team was not playing as well as a team that 8 months ago was in a World Cup final.

Players who don’t like to lose are the best to watch up close. Their faces are magnificent. There is a reason fans talk of Ponting face. Players like Mathews and Ponting just despise losing, and don’t really try and hide it.

The last time he had to carry an unworthy side over the line against Australia, his anger turned to joy, when armed with just a plucky tail, he won the game and was uber-heroic. This time he tried to use that anger again and very nearly did, but even without the win this just adds to his character.

The hero can’t win every time, after all.

I now look forward to my future watching of an Angelo Mathews who does exist. Or maybe I was always right, and he doesn’t exist, because it seems he wasn’t given Man of the Match. Which seems odd.

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Dilshan’s thumb

Until today the most painful male story I’d ever heard is from a degenerate friend of mine.

He was a filthy guy who often cheated on his live in girlfriend.

One day, before the days of internet dating sites, he met a girl via a phone dating service.

The girl he picked up sounded like an A grade skank, having never met her I see her as cold sore laden junkie type, mostly because that was my mate’s type.

While he was with her, her flat mate came home and walked straight in on them, instead of it being awkward it turned into the male fantasy moment he didn’t deserve. He’d stumbled into his first ever threeway.

Now, this was not a goodlooking, rich or suave gentleman. My mate’s head looked like it was carved from a tree but they forgot to give him features or treat the wood. So this was a big thing for him.

So big that in his excitement, he pushed a little harder than he ever had.

How hard? Hard enough to rip his foreskin.

He was unable to ever fully explain how much pain this gave him, but I’m assuming it was about as painful as a man can experience.

It doesn’t stop there, because now he was in all sorts of trouble, because if he went straight to the hospital, his lady might find out about his behaviour.

So he chose the frightful option of going home, getting his lady drunk, getting her ready for love making, rolling the condom over his dick, and then doing a few thrusts before screaming and claiming he had just ripped his foreskin.

He was a Machiavellian cheating turd, but you must respect him for having the skills and pain management skills to pull this off.

His lady bought it, and took him to the hospital where they put him back together. It was 3 months before his foreskin was back in working condition.

For some, they would have taken this as a lesson and also an achievement, he did not.

6 months later he was offered an even more exciting sexual situation, he was invited to an orgy and yet again being the low life untrustable man he was, he took up the offer.

Now, he’d already touched the sun once with a threesome he didn’t deserve, that he said was heaven before his foreskin gave out and peeled like a banana, so he didn’t need to do this orgy.

The thing is, he just wanted to. He wanted to beat the threesome. For him it was about being the man who could say in a bar, “well the time I had an orgy…”. He wanted to be in a room that was full of the smells and flavours of group sex.

So he went there to cheat on his girl again, and yet again, his foreskin was a fan of karma and it viciously ripped open just as the orgy was kicking off.

This time he was in so much pain he was taken straight to a hospital, and his lady put two and two together and reached the conclusion that he’d injured himself through coitus with another woman and dropped him.

Here he was with a broken penis that would have to be given an adult circumcision, no lady, nowhere to live and no chance of sex for about six months.

I was reminded of all this as Dilshan tried to put his hand in his glove for the second time, he’d already made a hundred at Lord’s, had his thumb almost ripped off twice, proved his toughness and put a spine into Sri Lanka after their last collapse, but he still wanted more. He wanted a double hundred and he was willing to sacrifice his thumb for it and play through the amazing pain.

That takes guts, and a little stupidity.

We respect that. Not our friend’s infidelity, but Dilshan’s toughness.

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Prasanna Jayawardene is not a test batsman

His hands are too soft, he can barely hold the bat. He basically has fairy floss on the end of his arms.

Instead of doing everything he can do to ensure his average raises above it’s modest forms he gives it away when trying to help his team win a test.

His eyes are rather soft and deep, he has the innocence of someone who hasn’t had to be relied upon for runs as his main profession.

He’s never really made any runs before today, other than two charity hundreds.

He seems kind and thoughtful, liked he’d be really interested in how your nan is.

His test average is lower than Lou Vincent’s.

He’s rarely asked to bat twice in a test.

He isn’t seen as the new Gilly, Kumar, Alec, Dhoni or even Haddin, when people say he’s a wicket keeper, they don’t mean a shaved monkey with gloves stuck on his hands.

In no way does he seem self involved or like his shit doesn’t stink.

He’s never going to be captain.

But in this test he was thrust up the order, against the odds, while better players were dismissed or hit, he just batted.

His first real hundred, in style, first innings in the UK, nice fucking work you soft handed wicket keeping gun.

It was an innings that a real test batsman would be proud of, so Prasanna should be even more proud because I doubt anything thought he had an innings like that in him.

Jayawardene still isn’t a test batsman, but today he played like he wanted to be one.

And sometimes, that’s enough.

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Paranavitana knows what’s happening

Tharanga Paranavitana is 29 and averages 37 in test cricket, as far as sexy numbers in cricket go, Pranavitana is nowhere close.

Paranavitana is also not a smasher, or a stylist, or even flamboyant in any way.

He should be a not that easy to remember how to spell punchline on a site like this.

The thing is, he seems to have a bit of something about him.

He has the look of the man who knows his way around a city.

It’s 7 at night, he needs some cough medicine to mix in his vodka, and he knows which shop sells more than one per customer and which technician to get a couple of OxyContin on the sly few a few bucks more.

A limited issue zero issue batman comic is out, he doesn’t line up, he knows the store to call so they’ll have one bagged and boarded for him.

It’s 9am and his favourite titty bars aren’t open, but he knows which café will have the mammaries he needs to kick start his day.

And if he finds himself naked in a field at dawn, he knows which bus will be driven by an alcoholic bus driver that won’t care that he has wrapped up his groin with a local newspaper.

Not that Paranavitana does all this, he’s probably fully clothed when on public transport.

For him it just looks like a cricket composure, a touch of, I got this.

It’s probably just test match composure, that elusive component that all those with potential want to convert to.

He just seems to know what’s happening, it’s only a new thing, but few learn it straight away.  He just doesn’t seem to get too flustered and plays his game no matter what goes on around him.

Paranavitana’s composure makes me feel less anxious watching him.  If it’s 3am, and we don’t know where the nearest pub is, I’d like to be out with him.

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Hashan Tillakaratne’s in a fix

If you know of match fixing and you speak up, that takes some sort of balls.

However, if you know of match fixing, and you speak up saying you know details of match fixing, but don’t actually substantiate your claims of match fixing, what does that mean?

Does it mean you’re full of shit?

Or trying to get more publicity for your actual announcement?

Or is just what old grumpy bastards do when they aren’t talked about that much?

Cause Hashan Tillakaratne’s comments don’t make much sense to me.

“This has spread like a cancer today. There were threats of this issue being exposed at various times. But it was pushed down by giving money to various people. If the people who were responsible for that are listening to this, I state this today with great responsibility, I will shortly reveal the names of those responsible.”

Why shortly, why not just now?

If you know who is involved, you know and you can say it.

King Kumar things he shouldn’t throw names out there, which I agree with, unless he knows and can prove who is guilty.  Then he should. He should throw like fuck.

If it were any other ex-player, I might almost accept his reluctance to just name names.

But my one really strong memory of Hashan was an incident in an ODI against Australia. And it was that long ago that I am sure all the details are wrong or made up.

It seemed so normal, he played a shot, was caught at point, and should have just left the crease.

Instead he stood his ground and claimed he hit the ball straight into the pitch.

It was before the days of third umpires, and the umpires just didn’t seem sure as to whether it was out.

Hashan was kept at the crease.

On the replays it showed that it hit the top edge and went straight up in the air.

Hashan had fooled them all.

It was my sort of cricket, but it doesn’t make him more trustworthy.

Ofcourse, it’s late, and maybe all those details are wrong.

That is still my memory of Hashan and I’m just not ready to jump into bed with Hashan until he comes out with actual details.

Also, all this could all be a ruse set up by the former Sri Lankan selectors to cover the fact that they completely ended their teams chances in the world cup final with their stupid four changes.

That would mean that Hashan was guilty of spot fixing his comments…

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Previously at the World Cup

India

Didn’t bother fielding or bowling to defeat Bangladesh after Sehwagology opened the tournament. Had three weeks off, then made a shit load of runs against England, panicked, and then somehow ended with a tie. Beat Ireland without too much flare. Tried to smash the Dutch off the map, but had to settle for a five wicket win. Looked like they were going to embarrass South Africa before Steyn steam rolled them and South Africa’s middle order got them over the line. Got bowled out by the sweet hips of Rampaul, but still easily beat a snoozing Windies. Kept Australia to a chaseable target, stumbled a touch before Shaun Tait brought them back to an easy win. Sehwag pushed them a few runs past a middle aged middle order of Pakistan with a bit of help from fielding.

Batting – Godzilla.

Bowling – Better than it looks.

Fielding – Better than Pakistan’s.

Sri Lanka

Started with a bye against Canada. Lost to Pakistan without Malinga or a middle order. Stepped over the bloated corpse of Kenya. Was about to have their middle order tested by Australia when the rain came down. Did what they had to against Zimbabwe. Made a decent total against New Zealand and then destroyed them. Stopped England from ever getting a par total, and then had a party that only two were invited to with the batting. Had another game against New Zealand, this time it was closer, but they still got home with barely more than a trip.

Batting – Hard on top, soft in the middle, non-existent at the end.

Bowling – Predators.

Fielding – Good enough.

Who’s favourite

It seems that India is, and with Mathews out, even more so.

Hospital watch

India

Nehra is out, just when he plays his best game. May not be a loss considering the pitch.

Gambhir is in, hamstrings are a risk, and he won’t get a runner.

Sri Lanka

Murali is in, the man is moving like someone has nailed his feet to the ground, he can’t get through the crease at all, he’s still Murali though.

Mathews is out, was the one class ODI batsmen in their middle order, and his bowling could have meant that they played three spinners without too much fear.

What India must do to win

The reverse Shastri. They aren’t perfect, and they probably know this, their last two games have been grinds rather than blasts, which is what suits them even better. There might be more pressure on them to win this than they can handle, but they have the batting to blow this bastard apart. What they can’t do is expect the top two to do it, if everyone bats their ass off; Sri Lanka might not have a long enough order to match it.

What Sri Lanka must do to win

Tie the top order to the bedpost. They might not bat as deep as India, but their top four is pretty, and their bowlers are far more powerful than India’s, so if they can squeeze out every run they can from their top order, that might be enough if their bowlers are on song. They also might not feel like they are worse than India, but can use the underdog nature and lack of pressure at the ground to throw all their shit on the wall.

Who will win

Sri Lanka, actually I have no real idea. One team has limited bowling and a great batting line up that can collapse. The other has a good bowling line up, a tasty top order and a line up from 5-11 that looks highly flammable. The reason I say Sri Lanka is that I picked them at the start of the tournament, and I think it would be nice if I was right.

Weird factoid about the final

Neither team can win, because old ancient cricket gods have decreed that you shouldn’t pick a wicket keeper as captain.

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How Sri Lanka can win the world cup: Tie the top order to a bedpost

How Sri Lanka will win

Sri Lanka should think of South Africa to win this world cup.

Their top four are as good as South Africas, but in better form.  After that is Thilan with his Gangsta limp and average of 27. Silva with his talent and lack of runs. Then the man who doesn’t exist.  Mathews is the only one of these three I trust, and right behind him is the longest tail in the world.

Any team playing them has to know this and therefore early wickets are a necessity.

The reason this tail is so long is because they’re picking four top line bowlers, and with Dilshan and Mathews to back them up, they have one hell of a bowling line up.

Their strength is wicket taking.  Kumar should get slightly more adventurous in the last two games with his field.  Strauss, Dhoni, Ponting and Vettori have been more attacking with their fields than Kumar, and he has the bowling line up they’d all dream over.

If their top four make runs, Murali stays fit and Kumar backs his bowlers this should be the team to win the world cup.  They’re like South Africa only suited to the conditions with a team who should win knock out games.

What Sri Lanka must do

Threaten to bring Jamie Siddons in as batting coach if their top order fails.

How to beat Sri Lanka

You should beg, steal or molest four wickets out of them.  That is the way to keep their score down to a chaseable amount.  Dilshan should be bullied.  He likes to think of himself as Mr Cool, so get in his face, tell him he’s over rated, and make him think with his dick and not his bat.  If he is thinking with a clear head that is not good for business.

The other three I have no idea.  The best idea is if you do keep them in, that you just restrict the bad balls to them, they’re all proper batsmen and not hitters, don’t give them chances to hit easy fours while moving the ball around for a single.

When they bowl there are some things you can do.  Murali is hurting, he isn’t getting through his delivery at all, and he can’t field.  It’s not the worst idea to attack him when he bowls slightly more to see how he takes it, and hit every ball you can to him.

Malinga is a great death bowler, but there are ways to lessen his impact.  Use the crease, bat a metre out of your ground, then a metre back, also.  If he can’t find his length he gives you a lot of full tosses and half volleys.  The other is through use of the powerplay.  Against England he bowled his 6th over in the 37th over, then he had a rest and came back on at the 43rd.  Once he is finished with 6 overs, call the powerplay.  Then Kumar has to think about what to do with him, and you either get less of him in the powerplay, or less of him at the end of the innings.  Either way, you win.

If you can pick Mendis, treat him like Chris Harris and starting picking out spots above the sightscreen where you want to dispatch him.  If you can’t pick him, milk him until you go out.

What not to do against Sri Lanka

Let Malinga bowl when he wants to bowl.

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things happened in cricket today

This is a random collection of bourbon inspired sour mash thoughts.

Greg Chappell said this:

‘We didn’t plan for Mitch to struggle in Brisbane, but certainly we had made plans beforehand to leave him out of the second Test because we felt the conditions would have suited Peter Siddle, Ryan Harris and Doug Bollinger,”

That’s fine, but why make those plans so private that if he had a poor game he’d look he’d been dropped?

”Mitch was certainly out of sorts. It was always dependent of form, if he had brained them in Brisbane we would have given him consideration for Adelaide,”

If you weren’t out of form, and you took actual cricket wickets and made actual cricket runs we’d have picked you in Adelaide, but being that you did neither, we rested you.

“with five Tests in seven weeks we felt we needed to mix and match the attack to suit the conditions. It is a marathon.”

It’s such a marathon, that we decided to let you run a mini-marathon in Melbourne just days out from the test, because we’re crazy.

Oh, Greg, no wonder you’re every character from the Wizard of Oz.

James Sutherland obviously felt like he needed to step up as well.

When talking to SEN he said that Australia named their squad before the first test in 06/07 just as early as they did this time.

Oh, how nice, did you pick 17 players for that series as well, because you forgot to say that on SEN, and some ex footballer from the northern suburbs never asked you.

Sri Lanka has named a squad of 30 for the world cup.

Included are Arthur C Clarke, Roy Dias, Michael Ondaatje, S.W.R.D. Bandaranaike, Chaminda Vaas and some politician.

The president, who still looks way too much like Saddam Hussein said, “It doesn’t matter who is in the squad, I’ll pick 15 random cabinet ministers to play, and they’ll do the job I require.  We might win with a full strength team, but that won’t get me re-elected. Fuck Roy Dias.”

In other news, Johan Botha was physically abused in a bad way, so bad that the police said to Johan, show me on the doll where the bad spinner touched you.

Buy the cricket sadist quarterly so the editor can buy better booze.

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Murali licks his fingers

Nick left this in the comments, and I think it needs a wider audience.

I’ve never been a big fan of the catchphrase, finger lickin’ good.

It dates back to when I was a kid when I saw a guy come out of a bedroom he had briefly shared with a young female and he licked his fingers and then said the phrase.

I have nothing against fingering people, but men licking fingers is never good.

When a woman licks a finger it brings up connotations of fellating, the problem is, that is does for men as well.

So now, thanks to some shitty fried chicken corporation I have the image of Murali blowing someone in my head.

Then, as if the metaphor of him sucking his fingers isn’t bad enough, they plop down a huge white substance, which I am sure is tasty, but does pass more than a casual resemblance to human ejaculate.

I bet a lot of mention discovered new feelings after seeing this ad.

Possibly a few dreams about magic fingers…

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balls profile: Lasith Malinga

Early on his career, Lasith Smith, realised he was often called a slinger because of his peculiar round arm action he had.  So he changed his last name to Malinga so he could get a rhyming nickname.  Perhaps no other bowler in history has constantly made the umpires change their appearance to make it easier for batsman to see the ball.  Took four wickets in four balls once, Sri Lanka lost that game.  Doesn’t seem to bowl anywhere near as fast as he used to. Has realised that his action is perfect for T20 cricket, as have the Sri Lankan selectors, who now rarely seem to call him up for anything else.  Malinga’s hair is not orthodox.

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