Tag Archives: shoaib akhtar

administracrats fail, again

When a cricketer walks down the wicket slogging in a crucial game there is a chance that if he misses it he will be out of this game, and perhaps out of the next one.

Cricket, and all sport, is tough like that.

You can be selected on performance, and de-selected on performance.

Cricket Administracrats do not have to worry about this.

They can fuck up for years without fear of demotion.

Even if their error has something to do with their side losing.

Look at the latest fuck up, Imran Tahir, the luscious leggie who is so cool we refuse to bag his alice band.  Mostly.

South Africa lucked into this world-class leg spinner because the dude loves to travel and found himself a wife in their country.

In April 09 he said he was qualified to play for South Africa.

No one questioned it.

Before that he had played in a Presidents XI match against Australia, so he was clearly a chance of international honours.

Then almost a year later he is supposedly qualified and gets picked for a squad when South Africa really need an attacking bowler to help them win, but instead they can’t pick him because he is not yet a permanent resident.  Surely something some official should have known before calling him into the squad.

If South Africa trusted that he was qualified in April 09, why did no one check then on the off chance he might be required?

At best it makes CSA look like a bunch of idiots who have shown that they don’t believe in their spinner but have no other player to replace him. At worst this could cost South Africa the series against England.

There is more though, because it seems that Tahir just doesn’t understand the rules, he thinks that he qualifies because it is four years since he played for Pakistan A, and now is only missing out because of paperwork.

That is not how the system works, as the Times points out (and I have read up on this boring shit before), you need to have lived in the country you wish to represent for at least 180 nights a year for four years.  The times doesn’t think Tahir has, and I have my doubts too.

While these errors were also Tahir’s, someone at CSA should have checked all this out at least two years ago when he was obviously trying to qualify.

And this isn’t some one off. Azeem Rafiq cost Yorkshire points when the played him when he didn’t have a UK passport. Darren “Eyelids” Pattinson played a couple of seasons for Victoria before playing for England, but technically he should have played all his games for Victoria as an overseas player before that, just no one noticed.  Surrey also did a great one when for the 08 season they tried to get Shoaib in for the last four games so they wouldn’t get relegated, by no one checked Shoaib’s visa so he only ended up arriving for the last two games.

Not that it mattered.  He looked shit anyway.

All of these, and there are probably heaps more, have either cost teams or could have cost teams on the field.

I wonder how many people were demoted or fired over it?

Ofcourse the ICC are experts at this kind of fuck up.  How often does an umpire or match referee get refused entry in a country due to visa problems?

But we know that no one gets fired from the ICC, how else would you explain Daryl Harper.

Has anyone even checked if Brendan Nash is Jamaican?  Or did he just rock up with a Marley T-shirt and say I’m one of you, gimme a game?

Buy my book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

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Shoaib Ahktar is beyond satire

Drugs, warts, hitting blokes with bats, that hair, the secret love affair with Geoff Lawson and now liposuction.

Shoaib is too good for this site.

I try, but he is better.

I could never do an in bed with Shoaib, as anything I write could never full live up to what he could actually do.

If I wrote, “Shoaib brings a complete circus (freaks, animals and carnies) into the bedroom for foreplay”, the next week their would be a headline about Shoaib being caught fisting a tribe of intersex dwarves.

He is that special.

How could anyone have ever thought a headline with liposuction in it would be his future.

The man is special.

One day he will be gone, and I will be sad.

But for now I will rejoice in the fact the he is still here, although less of him, and that he will continue to entertain us off the field.

We can only hope he doesn’t get picked, so he gives himself more time to get into shit.

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The Shoaib script

An ad agency sent me this, they wanted me to act as a cricket consultant.

I can’t see anything wrong with it.

shoaib's debut

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Michael Slater digs ironic comedy

I once stated that Michael Slater might read this site.

Hopefully he does, because the dude needs a slap for his latest media comments.

What is he talking about you may say, what could get Jrod slapping Slater? Ponting’s captaincy, Andrew McDonald’s selection, Mike Hussey’s golden run, or practically any praise for Andrew Hilditch.

No, Slater has weighed in with some WAG words, saying that WAGs shouldn’t be allowed on tour for the first two test matches of the Ashes.

I know.

The man who once had to publicly state he did not father another player’s child is talking about WAGs.

You have got to be shitting me.

If I was Slater I would never mention the phrase ‘player’ or ‘wife’ again.

That is one thing to admire about Slater, the complete lack of thinking before speaking.

What Adam Gilchrist makes of all this is in poor taste.

But they wouldn’t be called poor taste Michael Slater jokes if it wasn’t.

WAGs are one of the most controversial topics in sport, but this could be easily remedied.

All sportsmen should be gelded.

Imagine how good Shoiab would be with out a penis?

It would also help with wind resistance.

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Shoaib Ahktar has Genital Warts says PCB official: TRUE STORY.

When it was reported that Shoaib Ahktar had a skin condition on his groin; I thought about writing a whole post about him having some STD.

I was going to write about oozing puss, scabby skin, and really freak you out.

But then I thought, no, that is TOO easy.

Way TOO easy.

Instead I wrote about Shoaib wearing Geoff Lawson’s skin as a coat.

Now the Pakistani’s are dropping Shoaib Ahktar because he has Genital Warts.

I don’t want to alert any Australians, but Shane Watson injured his groin in the series against Pakistan.

Now never having gay sex, I don’t know exactly how the logistics work, but it seems unlikely they would have been “cock to cock”, doesn’t it

However they could have accidently “crossed swords” if they were double-teaming a young lady.

Although I do prefer to think of them as a couple.

You might think that genital warts is the most embarrassing sexual injury that an administracrat can put in a press release it isn’t.

They could have said:
Shoaib is out because they gerbil cannot be removed.
Shoaib is out because his penis is split from obsessive-compulsive masturbation.
Shoaib is out because he has broken a rib trying to pleasure himself orally.

It is a wonderful day to be a blogger.

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Shoaib has a problem

I was reading BBC and came across this;

“Shoaib Akhtar has pulled out of Pakistan’s training camp ahead of June’s World Twenty20 tournament in England because of a skin problem.”

From then on in all I could imagine was Shoaib wearing Geoff Lawson’s skin as an overcoat.

Was I the only one?

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The IPL Ad Break- Brought to you buy Pepsi, DLF, and Lalit Modi’s smile.

Frankly I am shocked.

I thought the IPL was a principled cricket league that believed in more than just the money.

Ok no one will say that.

The powers that Bcci, are just not content with merely adding advertising to the commentary, they have decided to add a 7.5 minute ad break to each innings.

L Ron (Big Al Stanford) must be pissed he never thought of his.

The over rates in last years IPL were dreadful, a supposed 3 hour game pushed to 4 repeatedly, can’t see how adding an ad’s break will speed that up.

Probably wont be good for the hamstrings on the older players either, 7 and a half minutes standing around in that brisk autumn air, and then diving for a ball at mid wicket.

But if the do tear a hamstring, the IPL can then superimpose an ad for deep heat onto the hamstring during the replays.

Hopefully the time will be used wisely, 5 minutes of advertising followed by a public service announcement about the health problems cricketers can face when they share boxes.

There are still several advertising options the IPL hasn’t thought of.

The best would would be giving players a name sponsor.

SMS datechat Shane Warne sends one down.

DC Comics Gatuam Gambhir is looking super today.

That is a huge one from Viagra’s Chris Gayle.

What a rip snorter from Columbia’s Shoaib Ahktar.

A divine shot from Catholic Church Matthew Hayden.

See, Lalit, you can do way more.

You can even put sticky take on the players faces, although some players do that for free.

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Shoaib’s chunky calf

Last week I bagged the wonderful magician Abdul Qadir for giving us some bullshit to digest.

“I would say that he (Akhtar) impressed with his fitness in the tests we conducted last week,” was what he said.

Then you see this photo that is floating around of Ahktar in training with a mattress wrapped around his leg.

whose leg is that?

When comeone bowls with something so extravagant attached to their person, you have to doubt their fitness, dont you?

Or this is not his calf.

Perhaps in order to keep Shoaib on the field, mere performance enhancing drugs were not enough, so the PCB have attached another leg.

A white one, from a stockier, and yet more stable, guy.

It could be an artifical limb, something Nasa has designed.

You never know with Shoaib.

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Abdul Qadir attempts stand up comedy

“I would say that he (Akhtar) impressed with his fitness in the tests we conducted last week,”

Abul Qadir

You wont get many bigger fans of the wonderous Adbul Qadir than me.

But in all his life he has never imparted as much spin on a cricket ball as he does in this one sentence.

No one believes Shoaib is fit.

Most of us have never seen him fit.

And if there was a day he was fit, we probably think there were drugs involved.

Of one kind or another.

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English Awards part two

With the Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs awards handed out yesterday, today we move to the Britney Spears and Andy Warhol awards.

The Britney Award is given to the player who had the most spectacular career disaster this year.

Shoaib Ahktar’s fall from grace with Surrey was good, but in truth his fall from grace was well before Surrey, it was probably around the time of his conception.

Michael Vaughan went from test captain to county struggler in a couple of weeks, so much so that he withdrew from the last game to give Yorkshire a chance.

Simon Jones played like demon, then he returned to where he is more comfortable, the physio’s table.

The winner is Rikki Clarke though, for his stupid back lift, his uncomfortable air, and shitting him self when captaining. He is now at his 3rd club inside of 12 months.

The Andy Warhol award is for those cricketers who perform for 15 minutes when people are watching.

Dawid Malan, the batsman with the silly name has everyone talking, on the back of one innings. He could be England’s Adam Voges.

Graham Napier is the weirdest looking dude you will ever see, and he hit about 400 sixes in one innings, lucky sky were there, it almost booked him a trip to Stanford, even though he has been ordinary since.

But the Winner goes to Liam Dawson, my man, who was on sky like 4 times in 10 days, and performed with wickets and runs every time, the only other considerable thing he did all year was in the last county game of the year, which just happened to be televised.

More awards to come.

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