Tag Archives: shane bond

The Jesus XI

Happy Jesus on a stick day. A day that is all about honouring someone who died so that we can all be perverts and animals, but you can’t eat steak, in case some is made of him.

In honour of Jesus dying I’ve compiled an XI of players who died, and were then reborn, or you know, other Christian type shit. Jesus, as we all know, was a wicket keeper.

S Katich – Found himself in a cricket career cave due to some horrific test form, but then his God, Bob Simpson, helped him, and thankfully we now have Katich shuttling around the crease for days on end.

M Sinclair – Impossible as it is to enjoy the way he plays, Sinclair is the one cricketer most likely to survive Sodom and Gomorrah. When the Kiwis are having a selectorial apocalypse, it is Sinclair they turn to. He will always live with us.

I Bell – If Bell truly was the son of God, Christianity would have died out by now. Instead Bell seems ordained by some higher power, perhaps Murdoch, to play the number 3 position for England. He coveted it while he had to wait out Pestilence (Shah), War (Bopara) and Famine (Trott) but he found his way back to number three.

M Hussey – Has never left heavenly earth, but what exactly was he doing between the age of 12 and 30.

K Pietersen – An outcast with his old religion he became the father, son and holy bail of a new one. It still hasn’t been smooth sailing, but he no longer has to bowl off spin, so that is good.

K Akmal – Crucified on the pitch for one of the most heretical displays of wicket keeping ever written about. But he will be back, you can’t keep a Pakistani cricketer away for too long. Even if he comes back as a kolpak.

A Flintoffas was written.

N Hauritz – Outbowled by M Clarke and then shunned by his country, his state, and his knew state. One day four wise men decided to pick him up from the gutter he found himself in, and bugger me if he hasn’t stayed around since then.

S Bond – Needed to go on a spiritual adventure to India so that one day he could come back to New Zealand and tell them he was available for white ball games and then continued his spiritual adventure in India.

A Mendis – The man is full of mystery, but once you work it out, it is all kind of simple and you don’t really care anymore.

A Nehra – From a world cup final to the great abyss, but thanks to Lalit K, Nehra has been brought back so that we can all pray at his long limbs and permanent angry face.

J Patel (12th) – Is so good at being 12th man I couldn’t see why he wouldn’t do it for Jesus.

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fingers, an old man and a teen

There was a “teenager” and his older brother.

A comeback kid.

A former captain.

A current captain.

A blogger with a fucked up finger.

And 32 runs.

While the world was watching the big three in action (Australia, India and England), the working class side and the team without a home fought out a proper piece of test cricket.

I saw highlights, and not many.

Sky showed the big three, but this test, and its excitement were not on show.

I don’t know how much pain was in IOB’s eyes. I don’t know how many nails Vettori bit. I can’t tell you whether Umar Akmal had a tear as he walked off. And I can’t tell you how close it felt to the fans who were watching it.

But I am sure it was good for cricket.

A test match coming down to the witching hour.

Two evenly matched teams clawing at each other’s throats.

Collapses, comebacks and teen dreams.

I wish I had seen the fucker.

Now let us all hope that IOB’s finger comes good so he can give us all the details of his heroism.

Oh, and I may have forgotten to say this earlier, but that guy with the sore finger wrote a chapter in my book.

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Aaron Redmond Dumped

In a move that is sure to piss off the cricket world, the world’s favourite nudger, Aaron ‘i slog for Otago’ Redmond, has been kicked off the New Zealand contracted players list.

I know what you are thinking, “what sort of superstar cricketer would have to come onto the list for someone of Redmond’s abounding class to be dropped?”

A 34 year old part time bowler.

Shocking.

I think I speak for all fans of world cricket when I say we want Aaron Redmond, but we can take or leave Shane Bond.

What has he ever done?

Taken some wickets against Australian, annoyed Lalit Modi, and broken down more than Shane Watson starring in Running man.

And now he is back from the Vladivostok cricket abyss that was the ICL.

I ‘spose that is ok, I like Bond, but why did it have to come at the expense of Aaron.

Also contracted by NZC, Walter Hadlee & Danny Morrison.

The rest of the ICL players were ignored.

When asked why players of the ilk of McMillan, Vincent and Harris were left out, Justin Vaughan said, “who?”

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Is Bond back?

The mumbled mumblings out of New Zealand are about the ICL failing to pay their bills.

It has been a small story for a while, but now it looks like ICL may have to shed some heavyweights to afford to survive.

I can’t see it surviving it anyway.

But if they have to get rid of some of the big names it means Shane Bond, Mohammad Yusuf, and the other proper cricketers playing over there are a chance of coming back to test cricket.

That can’t be a bad thing.

For the non star players Tony Greig is on the case.

He will get their money. He would never be involved in a shady business dealing.

Would he.

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News from New Zealand, Jake makes the women cry, Jesse to shake his ass for Australians and Shane still bitter

Jacob Oram’s back is so bad, he is cancelling his modelling shoot on the gold coast, also the cricket tour he was going to play inbetween.

His back has never recovered from all the times he bent it bowling at his top pace.

Sorry.

It is so bad that he can’t play Australia.

Millions of Australian women are crying into their cereal this morning.


Jacob inspired mills & boon books are being burnt.

And women are cancelling their holidays.

An emotionally frail Australia may have been just the meal ticket for the perfect boyfriend.

Although the pitches with bounce might have troubled him, and that could have left Ian Smith in tears, actual man tears.

So perhaps this is all for the best.

New Zealand probably wont beat Australia regardless of the perfect boyfriends condition, but he would have been one of those X Factors I hear so much about.

He could have filled the day with 10 overs of that choking medium pace he likes so much.

And then popped in with the odd cameo when the Aussie bowlers were too tired to bowl short.

Instead he will be at home, and some South African no one in the world cares about will play.

It’s hardly the same thing now is it.

The tour will still be exciting, as Badonkadonk Ryder is involved.

Australia love a opposition cult figure, and the last one to turn up was Monty, and he bored the crap out of them.

So they need a bit of sumtin sumtin, and Jesse should be able to provide said flair.

In more New Zealand cricket news Shane Bond has come out and said he never wants to play for his country again after the way he was treated.

He will play for Indian millionaires though, they rock.

Imagine if all the cricketers in the world decided not to play for their country after they were treated badly.

Pakistan and the West Indies would never field a team.

Australia would have only Probots, more so than now.

And England would have a team of public school boys saying toodle pip and wishing they could be amateurs again.

Remember Shane, your country is more important than bumbling administracrats who can’t even appoint a coach.

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An open letter to the cricket administracrats of New Zealand.

Dear Sirs/Madams,

According to my website, New Zealand is everyone’s second favourite side.

Personally, I have never really liked New Zealand, but that is a Russell Crowe related issue.

Being that no one in New Zealand cares much about cricket, except for them, them and them, you have had a free ride.

Your free ride stops here.

New Zealand are missing one key ingredient in a cricket side, the heavy handed fast bowler.

Sure your version is only heavy handed on those rare cases he isn’t injured, but he still has what is known as “THE PACE”.

Kyle Mills, an admirable extra from 300 spartans, is a decent bowler, but he does not have “THE PACE”.

Iain O’Brien, an admirable extra from turtles can fly, bowls a tight line and length, but he does not have “THE PACE”.

And Chris Martin, an admirable extra from The Warriors, bis more than handy, but he does not have “THE PACE”.

The one bowler with “THE PACE”, is currently plying his trade for some county side, playing in front of 4 school kids and a handful of guys with glaucoma.

That is more of a crowd than a New Zealand test match, but surely he could be used for test matches.

One avid fan has devised a scheme to get your man back into the fray, but you have ignored it.

So, now I feel the need to tell you administracrats some home truths.

New Zealand, with Bond, not bad, watch your back.

New Zealand, without Bond, pretty average, 20 wickets seem alot.

The ICL furore has been sorted, people chose to ignore it.

The IPL is bankrupting bowling alleys, Salman Khan has been banished to Australia, and it’s killing the infomercials in the ratings.

They do not care about Shane Bond, and the ICL anymore, so slip him in now while the finals are on.

Call him Iain O’Brien, give him an spikey hair do, and make him smile like he just met a girl in a chat room, no one will know.

I promise.

No one takes that much notice of New Zealand anyway.

So take advantage of it.

Bring Back Bondy.

Or Angry Mark Gillespie, anyone that will actually entertain us.

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kanye’s cricket biographies

Because of the draw today, my mind started to wander.

Here is a list of Kanye West songs and the Cricketers or hangers on they remind me of.

Gold Digger – Shane Bond

“I aint saying she a gold digger, but she aint messin with no broke niggaz”

Jesus Walks – Adam Gilchrist

“I aint here to argue about his facial features, or here to convert atheists into believers”

All falls down – Marcus Trescothick

“She’s so self conscious, she has no idea what’s she’s doin in college”

Touch the sky – Virender Sehwag

“Before the day I die, I’m gonna touch the sky”

My way home – Imran Khan

“Might not be such a bad idea if I never go home again”

Crack music – Sunil Gavaskar

“I throw a little sumtin simtin on the pulpit”

Roses – Damien Martyn

“can you sign some t shirts, bitch is ya smoking reefer”

Diamonds from Sierra Leone – Sachin Tendulkar

“Forever ever? Forever ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever? Ever, ever?”

Hey mama – Channel 9 commentary team (except Richie)

“You’re like a book of poetry, Maya Angelou, Nicky Giovanni, turn one page and there’s my mommy”

Late – Me (to Bhaji and Haydos)

“Little girls please stop you’re crying”

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Who is Tim Southee?

Is he a man with forefathers who liked vowels?

Is he the Richard Hadlee who is not a ©unt we have all been waiting for?

Is he ready to break down a lot and leave for India like only a true New Zealander can?

Or is he the Danny Morrison clone we have all been hoping never comes back?

I don’t know, and until he takes wickets, I probably don’t care.

But young bowlers are exciting, even the New Zealander ones.

He was recently named the best under 19 cricketer in the world, or thereabouts.

His credentials involve one 2020 game, and yet because he is not a drunken fat slogger we have heard only so much about him.

Perhaps if he slices his hand open in a bar, gets caught with weed, or gives a press conference about his sexuality we will care about him.

New Zealanders never really get a lot press.

Shane Bond was a demon from hell, and yet, his defection got more headlines than the 21 times he tore Australia’s heart out and ate it.

If Brendan McCullum were English they would dedicate monuments to him, knight him, find him a pop star girlfriend and ruin him in the space of 2 months.

What about the Perfect boyfriend Jacob Oram, a man so grand if he were Sri Lankan he would be given Colombo.

Ofcourse if Lou Vincent were Australian, we would disown him and send him to some lesser country and let him play for them.

New Zealand is still a test playing nation, the england found that out the hard way.

That was just after South Africa all but proved they weren’t one.

But they are still the number 3 ranked one day side in the world, and I’m sure if you search long and hard enough someone will care about that fact.

They aren’t even as rubbish as I, and everyone else in the cricket world is saying.

But that doesn’t mean that anyone gives a sh1t about Tim Southee.

Yet.

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What would Walter think?


Now another Trev Barry trophy has been decided, lets talk about how important this series is.

In the world of cricket, it’s as important as the fireman’s games. People win, and
people lose, but in a few years only people involved will remember exact details.

The series exists because some cricket administrator thought they could artificially create a yearly rivalry.

Problem is Australians need someone to hate in order to start a great rivalry.

Fact one, first great rivalry with the kiwis was when Sir Hadlee pranced around telling everyone he was better than Dean Jones.

Fact two, second rivalry was when Chris Cairns kept smacking Australia to all parts of the ground, whilst pretending he played for a good team.

Those are two men it’s easy to hate since they were sh1t hot cricketers that made their sides a lot better, which p1sses aussies off alot.

I’m pretty sure if you were in a bar with Chris Cairns you could hate him by the second shout.

And with Richard it would be as he walked in, perhaps before that, maybe as he got of out his car.

I don’t see anyone I can easily hate in the current side.

McCullum could annoy you, but he is no Parore.

Vettori is likeable, and it’s hard to hit a man with glasses.

Jacob Oram fits the bill skill wise, but his lack of arrogance lets him down.

Shane Bond could be a hateable guy, but seeing him play once every solar eclipse, makes it hard to maintain the rage against him.

Taylor is too young, Fulton is too bald, and the rest are nameless faceless creatures who appear in uniform like extras in an action film, they all get their gun shot wound and then are forgotten about forever.

The rest are playing for fat cash in the Ian Harvey memorial 2020 competition.

Vettori mentioned before the series he wanted the chadlee to be like the Bledisloe cup.

Now as I’m a Victorian I’m assuming that he is talking about one of those sports where thick necked fellows throw a ball backwards.

If I may assume again, I would think that the Bledisloe cup has tests in it. You know the really importantmatches. And the Trev Barry trophy has one dayers.

Hmmmmm, it’s like comparing apples and breasts.

Great sporting rivalries can’t be manufactured by administrators, they need to be fuelled by arrogance, cheating, choking, cockiness, sh1t hot performances and twats.

Not a side that might get relegated if it loses to Bangladesh in its next series.

A great kiwi writer once said, the trev barry trophy is important, as it gives New Zealand the chance to play at world famous cricket grounds, like Bellerive.

But isn’t that a home game for New Zealanders anyway?

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sportsfreak’s history lesson

The boys over at Sportsfreak take the trev barry trophy seriously.

So here is their recall of last years events. Unedited, which was hard to do with blatant anti victorian sentiments in it.

We’ve done this before.

So here we are then, New Zealand are about to start their defence of the Chappell – Hadlee series . In case you had forgotten, New Zealand beat Australia 3-0 earlier this year.

That’s right, New Zealand whitewashed Australia 3-0 earlier this year. That is why New Zealand are the current holders of the Chappell-Hadlee trophy.

It is generally believed that NZ may struggle to hold onto this trophy in games throughout Australia and Hobart over the next week, but Sportsfreak has been looking back on the spanking from earlier in the year and think we really have a good chance. The facts are plain to see.

Lets rewind to the events of February 2007. First of all it was the opener in Wellington, and a 10 wicket pants-down hammering

And what a match that was; Shane Bond terrorising the Australian batsmen on a green-top, and flinging himself around with no fear of injury to take a sensational caught-and-bowled on his way to a 5 wicket bag; the visitors limping to a total of just over 150. Yup, Bond sure has the wood on the Aussies.

And then Stephen Fleming, probably the best OODI captain in the game, and an in-form Vincent cruised to an easy victory without loss. It’s worth noting that neither Ponting nor Gilly got any runs.

Then it was off to Auckland. This time Australia did get runs (although once again nothing to speak of from Ponting and Gilly), in fact they scored over 300 of them. This was always going to be tough, but Ross Taylor showed his class on low, slow pitches to pummel his way to a century. He was ably assisted by Peter Fulton and Craig McMillan, genuine world-class batsmen in this form of the game.

Cameron White helped out too, by bowling 3 overs in which time he got the ball to land once. Proof that New Zealand can handle the best bowlers Australia has to offer.

Off to Hamilton it was for Australia to regain some pride – and it was here that New Zealand showed its more charitable side. We let Hayden play himself back into form (something NZ did all season in fact) by knocking up over 180 as Australia once again went well past 300.

And then NZ thought they’d make it interesting by reducing itself to 40/4 in the chanse. But once again Fulton changed the course of the innings before Macca once again turned the screws in hammering his way to a century.

A memorable victory was sealed, and the 3-0 scoreline was completed.

So there you have it. It was a comprehensive wiping of the floor Ponting and Gilly were ineffectual and Brett Lee went wicketless. They are regarded as the back-bone of the Australian team, but Fleming, Macca, Bond, Fulton and co had no problem.

We really can not see why it should be different this time around.

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