Tag Archives: shahid afridi

What cricketer would you turn gay for, pick carefully

I put up a link to Ant Sims’ new blog about Chris Gayle on twitter and @mediagag said that he would totally turn gay for Chris Gayle.

I wouldn’t, but I get it.

So here is my guide for what players you should turn gay for depending on what kind of sex you’re looking for.

Brendan Nash – If you’re looking for a doting partner who will always cuddle with you, Nash is your man.  Will do everything he needs to do to make sure you are happy.  He’s not stylish or that sexy, but he’s a good bloke.  The second hand Volvo of Gay sex.

Shahid Afridi – rough sex in the back of a taxi, random encounters in parks and lewd relations in shady hotels, he offers it all.  If you’re looking for no commitment and short sharp burst, Afiridi is your man.  May leave you unsatisfied at times, but that’s part of the fun.  Is most probably a selfish top.

Peter Borren – do you like to feel intimidated by your partner?  Some men would need to tie you up and put ball gags in your mouth to make you feel subservient to them, with Borren, it’s just one look.  Ofcourse, not perfect for introducing to your parents, as he will scare them to death.

Sachin Tendulkar – Who doesn’t want to fuck the most famous man in cricket.  I can’t imagine that in life Sachin does anything badly, so that should mean that in bed he’s a cracker at the sexy sexing.  Bonus points for fucking a living God.

Doug Bollinger – Not everyone wants a thinking man, some want one who is all about actions.  Douggie is perfect for this.  If you can rate someone in bed by the way they dance, Douggie is hilarious in bed.  He’s a man’s man, he’ll try all day, he’s willing to fix his appearance and he’ll make you laugh.  Like a pet that is house trained that you can legally fuck.

Jesse Ryder – cricket’s most eligible bear.  If you’re a cub looking for a big strong man to place it in your gaps, Jesse has to be the man you want.

JP Duminy – Perhaps the opposite of a bear, he’s a twink.  Having still not completely come to terms with his game, so now is the perfect time to become his sugar daddy and take care of him.  Buy him a car, show him how to face the short ball and watch how he performs for you.

Salman Butt – fuck him.  Hard.

Ajantha Mendis – looking for something a little different, freaky, and mysterious.  Mendis’ fingers have it all.  Although, once you’ve worked out all his little tricks, you can always move on to Randiv or Herath.

And ladies, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, if you’re a lady looking to go gay, may I suggest…

Claire Taylor – Probably the biggest catch in world cricket if you’re a woman looking to turn.  She is perfect in every single situation.  You could claim that she isn’t the most stylish, but her results speak for themselves.  Taylor will think herself through every situation, which bodes well for the boudoir.

Mithali Raj – If you’re not as worried about performance, but just want the best looking woman on your arm as you enter the clubs, Mithali is that.  Her cover drive is so sexy that if the entire world watched it together it would create a tsunami of sex juice that would kill us all.  Probably more interested in looking good than being good, but that’s why you turned for her in the first place.

Personally, I turned gay for a pull shot from Matthew Elliott against Allan Donald, alas, the pull shot didn’t have any feelings for me.  So I decided I’d have to become straight.

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How Pakistan can win the world cup: Ride the Afridi love wand

How Pakistan will win

There is no doubt that Pakistan has holes in their line up, and that at any stage the whole team could self combust into flames, even if Ross Taylor isn’t involved.

Looking at Pakistan in any sort of structured way is like trying to prove ghosts exist by looking at three episodes of most haunted.

Pakistan can win because Shahid Afridi is currently walking around oozing cocaine and champagne out of every orifice when he bowls.

Sometimes all you need is a leader who is so cock sure of himself that everyone else just assumes he can walk on water.

While Ian Chappell might not see the beauty of Afridi, the Pakistan players seem to.

Chappell likes things regimented and tough, he would have excelled in World War 2, but Afridi is guerilla warfare and Chappell’s segmented brain can’t process the many levels of awesomeness that are attacking him when Afridi is on fire.

Shahid Afridi can win this tournament, he might need some help, but in his mind he probably has 11 personalities that he can bring together to win the world cup on his own.

It’s even possible that in his head he’s already won this tournament and we just don’t know it.

Afridi does exist on many planes at once, even when he doesn’t make any runs.

What Pakistan must do

Ride the Afridi love wand.

How Pakistan can lose

Perhaps Afridi has used all his mojo. It’s possible, even though his mojo seems bottomless. His mojo can also be spent on other things at time leaving his cricket limp and lifeless.

The rest of team is not horrible, it’s just that the rest of the team seems to be made of tissue paper not human flesh.

If Afridi does run out of magic bowling beans it’s hard to see how Pakistan can win the last two games.

They have other players, their middle order was both born in the age of enlightenment, and Umar Gul is a far better bowler than his sideburns show, I just don’t see how they win if Afridi isn’t taking wickets, raising his arms in the air and moving his head from side to side like the world’s most eager puppy waiting for a treat.

But they’re Pakistan, so speculation about what will and won’t happen is like making sense of Afridi’s batting.

What not to do against Pakistan

Hit the ball in the air to anyone who isn’t Kamran Akmal.

Now, the two chucks.

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why Imran Khan will always be cooler than Shahid Afridi

Faran sent me one youtube video, but who can ever watch only one youtube pepsi pakistani cricket video?

Then I realised that Irman and Shahid were sort of having an ad contest, so i put them to the test.

This ad tries to be funny.

It succeeds, but probably not on purpose.

This is pure greatness.

It has headbands, and a kickin’ camp tune.

Shahid still has more in him.

You can’t win against Imran with a sweaty forehead and by throwing a ball at me.

Imran chucked this one in for the knock out.

Game, set and match.

Imran is Yoda/Mr Miyagi in this one, and leaves the sweating to Younis.

Shahid never had a chance.

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Shahid Afridi Unplugged

A brief listen to Afridi’s press conference with some shit from me.

For the download.

Available on itunes.

Here is the feed.

Thanks to Jesse Hogan of the age for providing the sound since I fucked up my recording.

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Shahid Afridi retires from test cricket

Shahid Afridi has retired from test match cricket, one match into his come back. He will play the next test, if his body holds up, and then he is off.

When asked when he decided to retire he said with the coolest shit eating grin I’ve seen in years:

“When I got out”.

The man’s press conference was as entertaining as any of his innings.

He was leaning forward, smiling laughing, cracking jokes and being honest.

He said he wasn’t good enough for test cricket, wasn’t interested in playing test match cricket and took the job because the PCB asked him to take it.

He laughed at the mere mention of Marcus North’s bowling.

Spoke in more languages than I can understand.

Kept everyone laughing.

He is just the man.

I was sitting in the first row, I had no questions to ask, it was enough just to take in the show.

There is nothing he does that isn’t entertaining.

Being that close to him you realise how small he is, and how keen he is to entertain people.

He said he was in two minds when batting, but I doubt he was ever in that few.

To be fair to him, his captaincy stint probably lasted longer than all his career test innings put together.

My book about afridi’s captaincy shall be called, “small bites”.

It will be a novella, written in Haiku.

For some reason I think I should have had this post written before this happened.

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Shahid Afridi is no magician

I knew the Shahid Afridi captaincy would end in tears, but I expected them to be tears of blood or disappointment, not joy.

How has this magnificent clown managed to sloggle together two hundreds in three matches? Magic, voodoo, Tony Robbins? There must be a secret because in the 293 games before that he only managed four hundreds, and he hasn’t managed one since 05. So 2 in 3 is pretty good.

While Shahid would be a great, yet creepy, child’s magician, I doubt he knows magic. Voodoo would be more his thing, but he’d soon get bored if the results didn’t come in. And I can’t imagine any Tony Robbin’s conference that Shahid was at where he is able to sit down for more than 30 seconds.

No this current madness can be explained with the words leadership.

Afridi might still practice the ancient art of drunk sailor batting, but he is a functioning alcoholic who now feels he needs to score.

Against Sri Lanka he bundled the whole shithouse batting line up into a rucksack and popped them onto his shoulder while he scared Sri Lanka senseless. Against Bangladesh his teammates were more effective, but Shahid still did the business to ensure that Pakistan actually won a game of cricket.

For a man who has spent his entire career being an accidental fancy fixing allegation, he is now in danger of actually being a cricketer who can, dare I say it, be relied upon.

I saw a little of his innings against Sri Lanka, and there was that look in his eye that good captains get. The “I’ll fucken rip my mothers eye balls out and stick them up my own ass before I’ll lose this game” look.

Usually Shahid has the look of a lost horny and excitable puppy.

Could his reign as captain turn him into the happy go lucky assassin? I do hope so.

Afridi’s second hundred was like Halley’s Comet coming around a week after it had just arrived. Except the comet actually had a bunch of girls called Hayley playing beach volleyball, drinking Mountain Dew and Vodka (known as Goat’s piss) and dancing to Michael Franti tunes.

There is the massive possibility that Afridi’s reign might still end in the bad kind of tears. That is what is great about him, because when he took over as captain, no one expected him to start hitting consistent runs, they expected something just as weird, but involving embarrassment.

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Shahid Afridi as test captain – what could go wrong

The problem with Pakistan is as soon as you have written something funny about them they come up with something funnier.

“It is a quality of a captain that he fosters cooperation and good relations among the players while following the rules and regulations of the game. Afridi has done all that.”

Ijaz Butt said that, and the only way this could be better was if at the end he just said. “Sorry, the dudes in the media department bet me a barrel of beer that I wouldn’t say that with a straight face, so fuck you Ahmer, you owe me a barrel of piss, biach”.

Now that Shahid Afridi, the master of following rules, is captain, what can we expect. I have no real idea, but I came up with 6 potential outcomes based on Afridi’s colourful history.

The Ice Block

New Zealand roll Pakistan on day one of a test for 150 and make it to stumps unbeaten for 180. That night Afridi gets a massive block of ice and takes it out on the pitch and puts it on a good length. Unfortunately he doesn’t notice that Mark Richardson is hosting his new reality show, “It happened after dark”, on the other side of the ground. When Afridi is shown the footage the next day he says that he was not doctoring the pitch, but that he always carries ice around and it just got heavy so he decided to put it down under the covers while he rested, but then he forgot where he put it.

Declarations

At certain times in his career as test captain, Shahid will declare roughly at 25, 50, and 75. None of these will be for match fixing, but none of these will be strategically sound decisions. Pakistan will still win one of these games.

Coup d’état

Unaware that he is captain, Afridi locks Shoaib Malik in his hotel room at 4Am and takes over the team.  Their first mission, try to take over the world. Their second, to score really quickly so that girls think they are really hot.  A couple of days later Afridi starts to dress like Che Guevara and walks around town in t smoking a cigar, is the first test player to wear a beret and is always talking about how to unify the working people against the dirty PCB oppressors.  Since Afridi is doing a good job, and he was already the captain, no one feels the need to burst his bubble or let Malik out of his hotel room.

Press release

The PCB release another statement about Shoaib Ahktar. The bizarre press release states that Shoaib will not get to play in the upcoming test series as he was seen snorting coke off of bacon that was placed on a teenage boy at a night club. The release has a scribbled out signed name at the bottom that has a startling likeness to Shahid’s signature. Shoaib quickly denies ever touching bacon or young boys.

Rider

Before turning up to each ground Shahid insists his rider must be completed in full.

Sand paper.
Edible cricket balls.
Extra long spikes.
A dvd player.
A TV.
A complete and uncut dvd of ODI number 1125 with a soundtrack by Tina Turner.

Bollocks

Afridi will have a long and uninterrupted career as a respected and successful captain of a unified hard working Pakistan Test Team.

The good thing about Shahid is that even though I have tried to come up with ridiculous things that could happen, he is likely to trump me. By some distance.

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Intikhab Alam declares the Pakistan Cricket Team is Mentally Retarded and insults all those with mental handicaps

It is a big claim.  Some accuse them of being shit, some of being match fixers, some of being shit match fixers, but mentally retarded, wow.

Let us look at Mental Retardation with some help from Wikipedia:

Delays in oral language development

Well Mohammad Asif called Shane Watson a “bloody white”.  If you have been playing cricket for this many years and “bloody white” is the best insult you can give to Shane Watson I would say you have a delay in Oral devolpment.

Deficits in memory skills

Shoaib Malik seemed to forget he was married.  I’m married, and I remember it.  So I would say his memory is not really that skilful.

Difficulty learning social rules

Don’t bite the ball. Don’t take opiates through an airport. Don’t fuck unclean women with Genital warts.  Don’t leave a game of cricket mid way through. Don’t dance on a good length. Don’t match fix.  Don’t match fix in Essex.  Are these all social rules, probably.

Difficulty with problem solving skills

When bowling to Mike Hussey Pakistan either move the field out so he can put on a test winning partnership, or bowl length balls from spinners to see how far he can hit them.  If Michael Hussey is a problem, Pakistan have not solved it.

Delays in the development of adaptive behaviors such as self-help or self-care skills

Kamran Akmal’s keeping in Sydney shows that he has no self care or self help skills.  If he was a small child a parent would have stepped in to help.

Lack of social inhibitors

I think this has been covered.

An Intelligence Quotient score under 70

Moyo’s captaincy?

According to Wiki Mental Retardation has various classes.

Class IQ
Profound mental retardation Below 20
Severe mental retardation 20–34
Moderate mental retardation 35–49
Mild mental retardation 50–69
Borderline intellectual functioning 70–84

Alam never stated which exact class the Pakistani players are in.

Wiki goes on to say, “there is no “cure” for an established disability, though with appropriate support and teaching, most individuals can learn to do many things.”

I’ve known semi functional Mentally Retarded people before, it is unfair to give Pakistan that label, they are hardly functional.

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stumps

As seen on cricinfo; inspired by the dude who asked about saw:

One killer. Five cricketers. One house. Who will last?

When Virender Sehwag, and four other cricketers who aren’t Virender Sehwag, wake up in an old creepy mansion they have to face the toughest test of their lives.

Virender, Sulieman, Brad, Daniel, and Shahid all find themselves victims of cruel cricket related horror madness. Are they willing to change the way they play the game to survive. This is the horror film that puts the balls in the right area.

Sulieman Benn wakes up in the end of a hallway, it is pitch black but when he moves a TV screen appears on the roof above him. A blood covered skull moves its jaw bone and says:

“Hello, Sulieman. You are a humble, sane and talented international finger spinner yet you constantly bump into the opposition, trip players up or get in physical entanglements; in Australia you did all three. Did you do it for your team or did you just want some attention? Tonight, you’ll show me. The irony is that if you want to die you just have to have to behave as normal, but if you want to live, you’ll have to walk down this hallway and not bump into any of my friends who are all set up to explode at the smallest of touches, you might survive one bump, but not two.  The door is open at the other end of the hallway; it will be for the next two minutes, the time that your over is supposed to be bowled in if you are playing sensibly.”

A solitary light is turned on and it swings from side to side illuminating all the entire hallway of mechanical creatures that is in store for him and the open door at the end.

Daniel wakes up with his arms and head in a dry plastic tube and the rest of his body in a tank of water.  He struggles a bit, which triggers a voice recording:

“Hello Daniel. If you are tough enough to get hit in the face and then still want to bat in a test match, why don’t you just prove it? Let’s put your so-called “toughness” to the test.  In a few seconds a ball machine will start firing balls into your face, for every one you dodge or deflect will release a fresh water crocodile into the water.  If you are tough, you will take all the balls on the face and make it to the other end of the tank safely, press the water release button, if not, the crocodiles will eat you alive. Each ball will come at 90MPH, Jimmy Anderson pace.”

Brad awakes in a room filled with old machinery he has a letter around his neck.

“Welcome, Brad.  You’ve got fast hands, don’t you?  Now we are going to test them for once and all.  In each of these machines is a key, you will need all six keys to open the door, but the machines will crush the key if you are too late.  If you miss one key the door will never open and you will be stuck here to think about your past digressions until the air runs out.  If you get your hands stuck in the machine, you will be sucked in and crushed.  You’ve gotten away with manoeuvres like this before, think you can again, Brad?”

Shahid wakes up tied up in a body length straight jacket with a weird metal contraption on his head, written in chalk next to him is:

“Hello Shahid. You don’t know me, but I know you. I know you like to use your mouth, but could you use it to save your life? On the table in front of you is a ball of razor wire, inside the ball is a remote control that will release your shackles and open the door.  Since you are such an expert I am sure you won’t cut yourself too much or accidentally slit your throat.  You have 11 minutes, the average amount of time you spend batting, after that the machine on your head will bite your head in half.”

Virender wakes up chained to a vat of yellow liquid with a tape recorder in his pocket:

“Virender, this is your wake-up call. Everyday you embarrass other cricketers by playing shot after shot. Now you will have to change your game.  Your aim in this game is to dead bat the balls, so that the sulphuric acid vat positioned behind you does not break and pour onto you.  If you miss a ball, you will die, if you hit the ball too hard you will die, if you rush forward you will die.  For once you will have to play the anchor role. When you have gotten to the red button at the end of the room the ball machine will stop and your restraints will be released, but to get out of the room you will have to take a blunt axe to the body of an unconscious bowler who is chained in front of your small exit door.  From the time you press the red button you have 2 minutes to dismantle the bowler, if you don’t the vat then the Vat will time out and just release its contents in the room. You have destroyed many a bowler with your bat, can you do it with an axe?”

The first ball fires short and wide of Virender.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

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I smell with my teeth

“You don’t smell it with your teeth.”
“Sometimes you can do.”

I once said Shoaib Ahktar was beyond satire, I have no idea what that makes Shahid.

Afridi has now been replaced as captain, what a stint.

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