It was bound to happen.
You need to be a cold blooded animal to not fall in love with Dirty Dirk Nannes.
The man is all raucous masculinity, a puffing, screaming, bowling beast who gives his all with out really knowing what the outcome will be.
What’s not to love?
He may have started slowly in the IPL, but once the big fella got warmed up his first 5 wickets were Kallis, Gilchrist, Gibbs, Oram and Dhoni.
How about hanging those heads up on the wall.
Sehwag has said this about his hirsute behemoth,
“He is the fastest bowler I have played against.”
Our god is so awestruck he doesn’t even realise he hasn’t played against Dirk yet.
The IPL commentators started off not seeming to know anything about him other than he was fast.
Blewett was quick to bag any wide ball or flaw, others said he was a failed experiment, but now they are lining up to get on their knees in front of him.
Nicholas can’t stop mentioning how Dirk bowls quicker than the speed gun, or that he is good enough to play for Australia in any form of cricket.
The others keep saying he must be close to Australian selection, something that the 30 man twenty20 squad seems to argue with.
Every day there seems to be more and more about him in the Indian press, even if it all appears to be roughly the same article edited a different way.
Dirk is lovin’ the media attention, this is what he has had to say.
“I’d fall asleep on the weekend on the couch in the afternoon watching Curtly Ambrose steaming in, Malcolm Marshall and Joel Garner, all those guys, yeah, I looked up to the West Indies pace attack.”
“I never had any real aspirations to play international cricket, I just kind of fell into it. I always played in the backyard with my brother, but I was in the thirds at school and in the thirds at my club side,”
“I will tell me grandchildren that I was responsible for keeping out the greatest fast bowler of all times of a playing XI”
Love live Dirty Dirk.
Porn Star: Virender Sehwag
Twenty20 cricket was invented for him, not that he would notice, he bats the same way in all forms of cricket.
Pole Dancer: Gautam Gambhir
Hard to ever notice him in the colossal shadow of Sehwag but is now one of the best batsmen in the world. Scores a lot, and quickly.
Boy Next Door: Amit Mishra
Destroyed Australia with his legspin, and should be Delhi’s front line spinner. Is a genuine wicket taking package.
Model: David Warner
Bought before he took Steyn down, probably as a back up batsmen. Hard to see him playing too much in this side, but probably better to have him in the sheds than bowling to him on a bad day.
Home made/Amateur: Dirk Nannes
A dirty, brutal, 2020 force of nature. The best domestic 2020 bowler in the world finally in the biggest tournament in the world.
Sportsfreak takes a look through the series.
So the Indians will be boarding their jumbo about now, and for the final piece of excitement will be undergoing a take-off into a Wellington gale. Their fans will be cleaning their whiteboards in preparation for more normal use, and the rest of us look back on our brief time in the same playground as the big boys.
Obviously, there was going to be a lot of hype surrounding this tour; after all the test batting line-up boasted something like 107 test centuries before the series started, and constantly added to that over the last 3 weeks.
And we got to see first hand the likes of Tendulkar and Dravid for the last time, and Dhoni and Ishant for the first time, and were able to notice the difference in attitude and swagger between the two.
So we look at some of the theories that were floated before and during the series and see if they are fact or some hybrid of Indian Myth and Lord of the Rings special effects.
Tests in NZ in April do not work
People will point to the fact that the April test ended with rain, but that only kicked in with 3 hours left in the match; that’s not bad for New Zealand. April, comparatively, is reasonably reliable.
And the tests were certainly less affected than the ODIs in February/ March.
Light was clearly an issue after the daylight saving change, but that was more of a management issue.
Dhoni is an attacking captain
Well some of his bowling changes are inspirational, and no more so than bringing Tendulkar on during the last day at the Basin.
But that declaration in the same test can always be held up as the perfect example that he can be as cautious as a shell-shocked Ponting.
He lets Harbhajan talk him into defensive field placings too.
Ryder is too fat for test cricket
Ha ha. Myth. A big fat myth too Adam.
He does have a weakness against top quality spin early on, but he’ll sort that out soon.
Yuvraj is rubbish outside of the Sub-continent
He was miserable here, apart from a couple of meagre cameos with the pressure off.
And remember this was on placid pitches against an ordinary attack.
Ishant Sharma is the Real Deal and the Final Product
Not yet he’s not. Despite what last year promised.
He had one good spell in Hamilton, and then roughed up Vettori at the Basin.
But in between times he looked more sulky than anything else. He perfected the act of hiding in the outfield in Napier when things got tricky, and he certainly didn’t seem to take to the Wellington wind.
Totally outplayed by the underrated Zaheer all series.
McCullum isn’t the batsman he was a year ago
That was probably his most consistent series as a test batsman. A shocking dismissal in the first innings in Hamilton was followed by composed knocks afterwards. His maturity in batting with O’Brien in the second innings of that match was class, and he held his head well in Napier.
At the Basin he got stuck with O’Brien again, and was sawn off in the second innings. Will probably be tried at #6 in the near future, which is about the only spot in the order where he has not been used yet.
Superb keeping too.
Taylor needs time to adjust from ODIs to tests.
Fact. Fact. Fact. Contrast the push across the line on the first morning in Hamilton with the 2nd innings resistance at the Basin.
Imagine what he could do in a 5 test series.
Harbhajan is a wind-up artist
True. And a very good one at that.
He didn’t get under the skin of the New Zealanders like he did with the Australians last year, but he sure wound the commentators up.
Note how he does well in the questionable umpiring decision stakes too. Not a coincidence.
Sehwag plays all forms of the game in exactly the same way
Myth. He bats for longer in T20s and ODIs.
Vettori is not the test bowler he used to be
Fact. And a pretty old fact at that.
If you want proof, get a video of him bowling on the 4th morning in the Basin, and then watch Tendulkar bowl 24 hours later.
It’s toe-curling stuff, and it’s even worse to hear certain radio commentators air the myth that he is a world-class spinner.
The World will miss Tendulkar
Sad but true.
Ages ago i started a 5 most important cricketer series.
But by the time i was half way through i already disagreed with my selections.
This one is not so much about the future of cricket, but about the here and now.
These are the guys that are leading cricket right now, forget about old men like Ponting and Tendulkar, these are the men.
Bats like bowling all rounders are supposed to; bowls like left armers almost never do; and has gone from a run leaking vanity project to the most explosive player on earth in one year. I’m not sure how.
Three players on the planet can make test hundreds and bowl at over 90 miles per hour. The other two are older, slower, and injury proner. Is Australia’s most important player by so far no one can work out who is the second most important.
When Dennis Lillee said he was a once in a generation player, did he mean as an all rounder?
Prince Brendan McCullum may get the big IPL bucks, he might have the body art, and be the marquee player for New Zealand, but Jesse is the marquee.
Jesse is 6 tests into a career and is already carving India’s ‘way better than average’ bowling attack. Likes making runs under pressure, takes the odd wicket and seems to inspire his team mates. It’s too early to put him on this list, and yet here he is.
Keep him out of the pub and New Zealand have a messiah.
Considered a novelty act for a great deal of his career, but only by troglodytes. Sehwag was the real deal even when internal politics kept him out of the Indian side.
Since returning in Perth, Sehwag has started to damage bowling attacks with a special brand of religious intent (Sehwagology). The problem with getting him out is that you still have to go through the best batting line up in cricket, the problem with not getting him out is he can make 300 at better than a run a ball.
There is no test batsman who can win a game, or produce a bowlers mental breakdown, quicker than this man.
No matter where you stand on KP, complete wanker or batting stylist par excellence, fewer cricketers are more engaging on or off the field. The world’s highest paid cricketer (we don’t count Freddie, you don’t get paid for being injured) is still the prize wicket of the English team, and is box office in every way.
Australia will know that if they can keep him quiet in the ashes, on the field (no one can keep him quiet off it), they will go along way to winning. He is 45% of the reason Lalit Modi wanted English players in the IPL.
Cricket’s David Beckham, and I mean that as a compliment and a slur.
Probably not the fastest bowler on the planet, but no one takes wickets at a quicker rate. Wrestles crocodiles in his spare time, and often has a weird shadow on his top lip.
Does seem to be very hit and miss, but is still young enough to get away with it. When he takes wickets, they seem to come in large bags and he looks on top of the world, for a great deal of the rest of the time he looks flat and bored.
Not the prettiest boy in the band, but the only one who can really sing.
Dan took the ballsy decision in bowling first.
If you have to win a game, bowling first is always on your mind.
Dan made the choice, and then watched Martin and Touthee get a lesson.
It wasn’t Sehwag at his muderesness best, he was almost reserved at times, but he still scored at almost run a ball for 48.
Take him out of the equation, and New Zealand were on top.
It was Sehwag’s wicket that changed the momentum.
Iain O’Blogger and Franklin came on and took both openers, and didn’t bowl anywhere as near trash as that were bowled in the first hour.
Had the first hour been a normal test match hour, not a Sehwag hour, New Zealand bowling first probably would have worked.
But that is the risk you take when you bowl first when Sehwag is out there.
That is the risk you take when you bowl to Sehwag, at any time.
Touthee got special treatment, Sehwag treated him like a naughty school boy, it’s the sort of treatment that will ruin Touthee for decades to come.
Good first session all in all, but New Zealand would be ecstatic at this green pitch they got.
3 for 23.
A batsman who wasn’t good enough to be in the same post code as the ball, but was given out anyway.
A classy looking batsman who never make any runs doing his thing.
And a ginger bloke playing what can only be described as a “get it away from me” fend off his face.
It wasn’t pretty.
The commentators kept saying it was a flat deck.
Even after each wicket.
Then Jesse came out, and he has a way of making all wickets look flat, I apologise for that pun.
But he does.
And while Ross Taylor was flailing around like ice addict at a racist police officer.
Jesse was just class.
He puts away bad balls, he looks cool doing it, he should be on t shirts.
Jesse, and Ross, got a bit of help with a keeper without match practice, Dravid’s continued wideness and slowness at slip, and Yuvraj looking cool and catching nothing, New Zealand is now well and truly in this game.
There is also no doubt that India look lost without Dhoni.
Taylor did spend some time looking great at the crease, then he got to 99 and had a Michael Slater/ Greg Blewett/KP/Sachin type brain fuck.
How He didn’t go out, or run Jesse out in the 3 or 4 overs it took is beyond me.
India’s day can be traced through two moments, Yuvraj coming on and getting smashed, yet, still almost getting Taylor, and Munaf Patel’s primal scream as Jesse guided one through the near vacant slips cordon.
But the common denominator with New Zealand looking good and India looking bad is our boy Jesse.
He can even make God look bad.
Napier is where it happened, as holy a place as any.
MS Dhoni is out, a back problem.
Did anyone know this was even a possibility.
I was reading waffle about Craig McMillan booth work.
Fungus on the pitch.
Sachin’s off drives.
Flynn’s hand and How’s record.
Kyle Mills saying he wasn’t up to it.
But where were the stories about Dhoni and a back complaint that could leave him out of the side?
It matters not now, Our Prophet, Our God, Our spiritual Guide is in charge.
And now, even more so than before, India cannot lose.
Praise be to the Leader of Sehwagology, your Sehwagologists are on your side.
How you gonna beat God, son?
New Zealand’s latest left armer, Ewen Thompson, is solely to blame for GOD smiting New Zealand.
At the end of Thompson’s 1st over, Sehwag had respectfully defended a ball down the pitch.
Thompson picked up this ball and flicked it to the keeper.
It should have been a simple flick, except that Thompson and McGlashan were snookered by Sehwag’s impressiveness.
The bowler trying to be aggressive flicked the ball as close the batsman as possible, he has probably does this a million times, but this wasn’t a batsman was it Kiddies.
It was GOD, the prophet and messiah of Sehwagology, and you don’t want to get GOD angry.
Thompson’s next ball hit the scoreboard.
The scoreboard at the back of the grassed embankment.
If you needed more proof of Sehwagology , he then gave it to the country of New Zealand with furiously malicious abandon.
125 off 74, that is proof that you can’t fuck with God.
Ewen Thompson is a heretic, but we need not stone him, GOD has done our work for us.
4 overs, 0/42.
Don’t anger GOD son, he don’t play by the rules of mere mortals.
They gave him hair.
God doesn’t need hair.