Tag Archives: salman butt

Salman Butt’s smackdown

It’s ok if cricket is fixed, because people still like wrestling says slammin’ Salman Butt.

He has compared cricket to a “sport” where the most interesting thing is the religious signs in the background.

That is a bigger crime than match fixing shortly.

But on the plus side, if you ever see Salman Butt and his collection of wanky watches making his way down the street, feel free to hit him over the head with a chair.

Or talk to him earnestly about whether a short leg for Jonathan Trott is needed or not.

He seems to love to chat about that.

Then hit him with a chair.

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India are world champions for eternity: even American Christians love India

The world will end tomorrow, or today, or a few days ago depending on when you read this (that’s a trick line, because you’ll already be dead).

It’s rapture time. Or as these particular weird fucked up group of bible masturbators say, “Blow the trumpet, warn the people!” Which sounds like you are warning people before you fellate them.

The nut in charge has predicted the coming of a second Jesus before, and got it wrong. So he’s due.

And what does this mean?

The Christian Fundamentalist God loves India.

Perhaps because of Sachin, or even Sehwagology. Perhaps God was holding off hoping Americans would stop fighting over birth certificates and creating laugh track TV shows long enough to become the best team in the world, and when he saw that wouldn’t happen, he merely picked the new America, India.

We’ll never know for sure, as we aint going upstairs to get a meeting with the Male Homophobic Christian Fundamentalist God. We’re all dirty sinners here; you’re probably masturbating right now, or applying peanut butter and calling your dog.

While you do that, God has chosen the first time in human history that India are the best side in cricket to end the world. Perhaps Sehwag’s batting really did cause the apocalypse?

After May 21 they may not be. Players retire, get injured, lose form or sleep with the coach’s wife, but right now India are the best, and they’re going out as number one.

Sure, we may be able to play cricket in hell, but you just know they’ll be nothing in the pitches for bowlers. And can cricket really survive with a fourth version of cricket, Dante cricket?

Ofcourse, cricket (and less so the world) ending now is not all good news.

We’ll never Simon Katich knife Michael Clarke after he runs him out.

The Hashim Amla sex tapes will remain unwatched.

Runako Morton will never scream can you dig it at a baying crowd of street thugs in matching outfits in his unofficial role as king of the gangs.

The leader of the UN will never be Kumar Sangakkara, and he’ll never be rich enough to own the rights to the back catalogue of Billy Ocean or Hank Williams.

The cyborg that Martin Crowe created (just because he had a spare Sunday afternoon) to hold his brain will never get a chance to take 5000 test wickets.

It’s a shame because the world would have loved Mushtafiqur Rahim’s novelty dub hit, “I should be so Lucky”.

Salman Butt doesn’t have the chance to find Jesus, become popular on a celebrity dancing show or rebuild his name by getting cancer.

England will never get a chance to see Graeme Swann hosting retro 1950s game shows.

It ends all hopes that Kevin O’Brien did of doing something that people remember him by without stupid hair.

And the UDRS will always remain shit.

What will happen is that India will remain the eternal champions of the world as we all burn in the Christian Fundamentalist Hell.

The real shame is not that we’ll miss the stuff above or that India are number 1 for ever (which isn’t a shame if you’re Indian, although you’ll be in hell, so hard to celebrate too much) it’s that we all know Tony Greig will be down there commenting on all our torture. Blow by blow. Getting the details wrong, calling Sri Lankans little, talking about the broad shoulders of some blonde 19 year old, and generally making hell, hell.

Sehwagology saves.

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What cricketer would you turn gay for, pick carefully

I put up a link to Ant Sims’ new blog about Chris Gayle on twitter and @mediagag said that he would totally turn gay for Chris Gayle.

I wouldn’t, but I get it.

So here is my guide for what players you should turn gay for depending on what kind of sex you’re looking for.

Brendan Nash – If you’re looking for a doting partner who will always cuddle with you, Nash is your man.  Will do everything he needs to do to make sure you are happy.  He’s not stylish or that sexy, but he’s a good bloke.  The second hand Volvo of Gay sex.

Shahid Afridi – rough sex in the back of a taxi, random encounters in parks and lewd relations in shady hotels, he offers it all.  If you’re looking for no commitment and short sharp burst, Afiridi is your man.  May leave you unsatisfied at times, but that’s part of the fun.  Is most probably a selfish top.

Peter Borren – do you like to feel intimidated by your partner?  Some men would need to tie you up and put ball gags in your mouth to make you feel subservient to them, with Borren, it’s just one look.  Ofcourse, not perfect for introducing to your parents, as he will scare them to death.

Sachin Tendulkar – Who doesn’t want to fuck the most famous man in cricket.  I can’t imagine that in life Sachin does anything badly, so that should mean that in bed he’s a cracker at the sexy sexing.  Bonus points for fucking a living God.

Doug Bollinger – Not everyone wants a thinking man, some want one who is all about actions.  Douggie is perfect for this.  If you can rate someone in bed by the way they dance, Douggie is hilarious in bed.  He’s a man’s man, he’ll try all day, he’s willing to fix his appearance and he’ll make you laugh.  Like a pet that is house trained that you can legally fuck.

Jesse Ryder – cricket’s most eligible bear.  If you’re a cub looking for a big strong man to place it in your gaps, Jesse has to be the man you want.

JP Duminy – Perhaps the opposite of a bear, he’s a twink.  Having still not completely come to terms with his game, so now is the perfect time to become his sugar daddy and take care of him.  Buy him a car, show him how to face the short ball and watch how he performs for you.

Salman Butt – fuck him.  Hard.

Ajantha Mendis – looking for something a little different, freaky, and mysterious.  Mendis’ fingers have it all.  Although, once you’ve worked out all his little tricks, you can always move on to Randiv or Herath.

And ladies, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, if you’re a lady looking to go gay, may I suggest…

Claire Taylor – Probably the biggest catch in world cricket if you’re a woman looking to turn.  She is perfect in every single situation.  You could claim that she isn’t the most stylish, but her results speak for themselves.  Taylor will think herself through every situation, which bodes well for the boudoir.

Mithali Raj – If you’re not as worried about performance, but just want the best looking woman on your arm as you enter the clubs, Mithali is that.  Her cover drive is so sexy that if the entire world watched it together it would create a tsunami of sex juice that would kill us all.  Probably more interested in looking good than being good, but that’s why you turned for her in the first place.

Personally, I turned gay for a pull shot from Matthew Elliott against Allan Donald, alas, the pull shot didn’t have any feelings for me.  So I decided I’d have to become straight.

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The two sides of Salman Butt

Watching Pakistan in the field this test was always going to be interesting. With Butt as the new sheriff in town.

Captain’s should never be judged on one game, but let me do it anyway, Butt’s captaincy varied from the inspired, the forgetful and the shambolic.

Like most captains he was dependent on his bowlers, who were dependent on the weather.

But his captaincy during the Smith innings fell apart.

The field was set without common sense getting a say. Everyone seemed to want to chat to Butt, who seemed more interested in the conversations than stopping Smith from getting a single. Smith’s favorite hitting areas went unprotected. And even when the fielders were out protecting the boundaries at the right time, they seemed to be set haphazardly and without too much thought.

Some of this would have been because this was his first test. I mean he did the two important things in this test; he lost the toss and won the test. Everything else is just speculation and bullshit.

I like speculation and bullshit, though.

After the test was Butt’s press conference. And this is where he impressed me.

Australia’s press conferences are tightly regulated affairs. The player comes in, and so does the Australian press officer, who then conducts the events in a slightly unintentionally comical conducting way. It does mean they generally run smoothly, but there isn’t the rush that you get from the Pakistan press conferences.

The PCB send no representative out at all. The players or coaches are left alone to fend for themselves.

Obviously this is why Afridi’s press conference was so much fun, but it has its downside as well.

Umar Gul did a press conference where he got some of his words mixed up, as he had no help with translation.

Butt (who spoke perfect English, or at least as good as Ricky Ponting) didn’t try to entertain, understood all the questions, and spoke about captaincy in a very intelligent way.

Someone asked about all the advice he was getting from his teammates, and he said it was good they were all interested in the game and that he wanted to keep that.

When asked about the Umar Amin decision, he didn’t run to claim credit, he just said that he plays with him domestically and Amin is known as a golden arm.

He talked about giving players confidence and telling his players to back their natural instincts.

When asked three questions that were more or less the same, he answered all of them without getting pissy.

It was a proper press performance. It didn’t feel like a first time showing.

The man can speak, and when talking about captaincy he said the right things.

I’d say he wowed the press pool.

So here is the thing, sure he was a bit sporadic in the field, but if his press conference is anything to go by, he might just be the perfect man to lead this side into the future. The future for Pakistan generally only means 7 minutes, but he is the man for all of those 7 minutes.

Now all he has to do is keep Shoaib ‘Judas’ Malik on side, and Pakistan could have a real test captain, for a while.

You can also read my thoughts on the last day.

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2 hours is a long time in Pakistan Cricket

I’m on the train to Headingley.

I think I’m about 2 hours away from Yorkshire.

Now for a normal side, I wouldn’t expect to arrive to much more than a late team change or injury.

What can I expect from Pakistan?

A bloodless coup of the captaincy brought out by chief cancer Shoaib Malik.

Malik tells Butt that as captain he gets a special car to the ground, but the car is driven by mercenaries hired by Malik and funded by Mark Thatcher.  Butt is driven to Warsaw and kept underground.  The press say he has fled due to the pressure of being captain (after receiving a tip from Malik).  While the PCB madly look for Butt, Malik graciously puts his hand up to step in if Butt is somehow not found.

Helicopters and Younis Khan.

The PCB feel nervous about the decision to give the job to Butt and at the last minute they call Younis Khan and tell him to get in the car waiting outside which will take him to a helipad.  From there he is flown in one of those helicopters with the double blade thingies all the way to Yorkshire, he lands at Boycott’s helipad and is whisked to the ground in time to make the toss. Unfortunately he is given Butt’s jacket for the toss, and it looks comically small on him.

The PCB decide not to play.

Ijaz Butt  takes a look at the team, the conditions, and the twin powerhouse of North and Watson and just decides not to play.  He releases a press statement, “Pakistan is a proud cricketing nation, but fuck that, this is shit.  We won’t win, we’ll probably be fucken awful.  I mean our captain averages like 30 in test cricket, our best two batsmen aren’t here and our last captain quit after 15 minutes.  I can’t really be bothered, and I’ve always thought Yorkshire was a shithole. So we’re going home, see you later.”

Or maybe something really crazy could happen.

Pakistan cricket is getting so nuts that if they all turn up to the ground and try hard with no shocks we’ll all feel cheated.

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balls profile: Salman Butt

Butt’s name is unfortunate, and almost makes him sound like a crank call to Moe Szyslak.  In real terms he brings a bit of middle class swagger to the Pakistan team.  Against most teams he is a walking wicket.  Against Australia he is a cricketer.  Is a tremendous player square of the wicket, but generally ignores all other parts of the ground.  Has a terrible test record but a lovely disposition, if he could keep the disposition and add test runs he could be a fine likable test cricketer with a stupid name.

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public humiliation gets results

When MoYo (I’m using it now because it is easier to type) came out publicly took Salman over his run scoring thighs and proceeded to slap Butt’s bum, there were some that thought it was too harsh.

They thought the ass punishment should have been given in a quiet place instead of done infront of the press gallery.

I can understand the reasoning behind this.

In this situation I don’t think MoYo even went far enough.

Salman Butt is in his 27th test, and his average before this innings was about the same.

Ian Bell can look down on him.

The public flogging lifted Butt up to a rearguard hundred, but what if MoYo had got really fucken sadistic on Butt’s ass.

Spank him (literally and not metaphorically) in front of the media, but let the media do all the spanking, and make Butt say, “please, sir, can I have some more”, after each slap.

Make him enter the press conference in a nappy and bib.

Ask Mark Nicholas to do one of his hard hitting interviews straight after the spank, but while Butt is still on MoYo’s lap, so that Nicholas’ pants bulge is like a pendulum in front of Butt as Nicholas hops from side to side.

And finally, insist that Butt has to take Tony Greig out to one of those romantic Hobartian restaurants down at Salamanca way dressed like Marilyn Monroe, including wig.

Because Butt was humiliated a little bit and got a hundred, and before that he had managed only two others.

The boy needs psychological pain, and had MoYo taken my steps, Butt would still be in.

He would also be scarred for life when Tony Greig started playing footsy with him.

If Ricky Ponting has taught us anything this test, it is that sometimes you need to take one for the team.

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pakistan rule the world again

Pakistan have won 10 straight home one day internationals.

They are the most inform team in the world.

The world stopped as they went for their 10th straight victory.

Bars shut.

Brothels put the radio on.

Mosques brought in LCD screens and surround sound systems.

Pakistan cruised to Victory over the mighty Bangladesh.

People went and found long lost relatives.

Bread was made, and then broken and some man was so excited he had sex with a goat (he was quick to point out it was a female goat).

Salman does mine look big in this, smashed Javed Miandad’s tournament record to prove once and for all that he is a far superior batsman than Miandad.

Shoaib Malik captained magnificently, the 8 people at the ground all agreed he was a better captain than Imran Khan.

Surely now after this amazing run of 10 straight wins, the world is not enough for Pakistan.

They are, according to my calculations, undisputed one day champions of the world, and deserve a trip to the IPL to pick up the fat cash that is on offer.

Well done Pakistan.

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Pakistani beef market

Somehow cricket in Pakistan has continued even without Shoaib Ahktar.

Their other Shoaib, the logical, sane and less talented one, is still their captain.

But a week is a long time in Cricket.

In Pakistani cricket a week is several life times.

Since Shoaib Malik’s showing at the 2020 world whatever it was, his team has struggled.

A look at the current line up against Bangladesh gives you an idea why.

Salman Butt averages about 30 in both forms of the game, and so far has done nothing other than have a cool name.

Nasir Jamshed is not somewhere you keep jars, but is actually a young cricketer who is yet to confirm his place in the side, and yet to make a big splash in general.

Younis Khan is the Pakistani version of Elvis, except that he isn’t as sexy, cool, or talented (ummm) as him.

Mohammad Yousuf is a top class international player, probably the only one in the side, he is also a scientologist.

Shoaib Malik is the youngest looking 26 year old Pakistan has ever had. He may actually be the age he claims to be. Will be a very handy cricketer, but right now is just a cricketer.

Misbah Ul Haq has the same surname as Inzy and a lovely cricket backside. He can bat, but probably won’t be around for long.

Shahid Afridi is Shaihid Afridi.

Kamran Akmal is a male model, who dabbles in wicketkeeping. Used to be a sh1t hot batsmen. Now is not.

Umar Gul is a player who is destined to be called Sea. The boy can bowl, but is never going to be an out and out match winner.

Sohail Tanvir is a quick who can also bowl spin. So far I am yet to see him bowl either particularly well, but could be a handy one day option.

Iftikhar Anjum is Rao Iftikhar, true story.

Not a lot of high priced cattle for Malik to play with there.

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