Tag Archives: sachin tendulkar

Sachin Tendulkar air force pictures

The official word is that Sachin Tendulkar has been given an honorary position in the Indian Air Force.

Bullshit.

We have the pictures that prove that Sachin is a proper fly boy on the highway to the dangerzone.

That’s right! Sun…il. I am dangerous.

You can be my wingman any time.

Any of you boys seen an aircraft-carrier around here?

Talk to me, Ravi

I want somebody’s butt, I want it now.

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Sachin Tendulkar article to generate sales

You already know that Sachin is on the front of the cricket sadists’ quarterly. Now I am trying to garner more sales by sucking in more Sachin fans with this taste of what appeared in the last issue. This is long, and about Sachin, so take it or leave it.

Sachin playing in your lounge

In November of 2003 I was a shift worker who spent a fair chunk of the summer watching shield games at the MCG (G).  When I found out the Indians would be playing the Victorians at the G I was always going to head down to the match.  The first day I couldn’t get to the ground because of work. That day Sachin made 80 odd as India’s top order collapsed to the left arm swing of Matthew Inness and their tail succumbed to Australia’s next white hope of leg spinning (he was then), Cameron White.  When I heard about Sachin’s score I thought about how cool it would be to see him play an innings in that great ground with virtually no spectators.  Like getting Roy Orbison to sing in your lounge room.

On day two it was all Brad Hodge, a man I had seen make many big scores to empty grounds.  There was apparently some tension between the teams about it being a result game. Then there was another problem as India declared and no one seemed to know.  Out of spite Victoria decided to then try and bat for the last two days of the game as a lesson to the Indians.  Brad Hodge very nearly batted the final two days on his own.

On day two Hodge was just a class above the fairly poor Indian attack, on paper it wasn’t poor, Nehra, Khan, and Bhajji all played, they just bowled lots of rubbish.  Hodge was using this innings as a calling card, and once Brad Hodge is settled, not even a family of maniacs with chainsaws can get him out. When Ian Harvey joined him it was a terrific partnership.  It isn’t often you got to see Harvey make runs, so for a fan of his (he was my main dude) it was terrific to watch.

I enjoyed the Vics smashing the ball around, and since I had the next day off I decided I had to come back again to see Rahul, Virender and Sachin bat without a crowd.  I doubted Victoria could bat the whole two days.  On the first two days there wouldn’t have been more than 2,000 on either day, maybe even combined.  2,000 still sounds like a lot, but in the G it feels like five people.

When my girlfriend found out about my plans, she decided to come.  She was not a cricket fan; she did like drinking at one-day games, and somehow she convinced herself that this would be like that.  Like any good boyfriend I did my best to convince her that if she did come she would be bored to death, perhaps beyond that.   Her mind was made, so after the lunch session (I figured the Vics would bat on for a while) we went down to the ground.

The third day seemed to have even fewer fans at it.  I could feel my girlfriend’s irritation the moment she arrived.  She wanted atmosphere, and instead it was whisper quiet, she went off to get drinks straight away.  The crowd was made up of the usual shield cricket sickos (of which I include myself) and Indian students (these were the days they didn’t get beaten).  The Vics were still batting, Hodge was now over 200.  It took a while but eventually Sehwag got Hodge out and soon after the Indians came back into bat.

My girlfriend was pretty happy with the start of India’s innings as Sehwag played some shots, but he was soon out (a month later he did far better at the same ground to the tune of 195). This left Akash Chopra and Sadagoppan Ramesh at the crease.  I have always rated Chopra and Ramesh looked solid.  No one wanted them to bat.  As the afternoon went on all you could hear was the name Sachin being whispered.

In the first innings Sachin had batted at five; that now seemed like a long way away.  In those days Victoria would go in with two front line bowlers and four all rounders.  They weren’t rubbish bowlers, but Harvey, Moss, White and McDonald were all more than easy to handle for these two batsmen on a pitch that was pretty flat.  Added to that was the fact that Victoria were playing a first gamer, Brett Harrop who never played again, as one of their strike bowlers.  Their other front line bowler was Inness, who was notoriously an average old ball bowler. This was all explained to my girlfriend who sighed and yawned through most of the answer even though she asked the question about when Sachin was coming in and why Victoria looked crap.

Ramesh and Chopra were hardly lighting the place up. They were both defining the word dour in what was obviously now nothing more than a net practice.  The problem was I couldn’t leave.  What if a wicket fell straight away, I’d miss seeing Rahul, or worse still, what if two fell, I’ll miss Rahul and Sachin together.  Like most casual cricket fans my girlfriend knew little about any team that wasn’t her home team.  Yes she knew Sachin was good, but he wasn’t batting, and she didn’t care about waiting for him.

On one side I had the tedium of two young guys trying to prove their worth against an attack with military medium stamped on it, and on the other was a girlfriend complaining about every facet.  This is boring ,these seats are uncomfortable, I’m burning, I’m tired, let’s go see a film, this beer is terrible, can we move seats, why doesn’t he hit that for four, Victoria are shit and no one is here.

Being a cricket sadist, the more boring the cricket got and the more annoying my girlfriend got, the more I wanted to see it through.  After all, one wicket and I would see a batting legend; two wickets and I would see an Indian god.  It was worth the headache and constant moaning.

So I sat and waited. And waited. Waited.

I know I saw the ball that got Ramesh out, but I have no idea how it happened. The scorecard says McDonald got it; that should be right; but I have no idea.  By this stage the game was in its dusk period.  It would be over soon.  There were still about 300 people left at the ground, and these were the hardcore cricket fans, here for one reason. SRT.

Being that there was no real crowd you could easily look over to the change room. All of us were (except my girlfriend who was looking to see how tanned her arms were).  I could see movement, but there was no way to tell who it was.  A kid near me asked if it was Sachin; no one answered.  Eventually the player came out, and that familiar gait was there for everyone to see.

It was obviously Rahul Dravid.  The crowd of 300 hunched or left.  I left.  I love Rahul, even more so now than I did back then, but there was some perverse thrill to seeing Sachin in this empty ground.

I have seen Sachin bat many times before and since, on three continents, in world cup finals and test matches, but I still feel a little ripped off that he didn’t come into bat that day.  Not long after, my girlfriend and I split up; we never used that day as the reason, but we both knew.

Come on, buy the magazine, it has Sachin on it.

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Sachin Tendulkar on the cover of the Cricket Sadists’ Quarterly

I know little about marketing, but I know a little about shameless grabs for sales.

With that, I present the cover of the second edition of the Cricket Sadists’ Quarterly.

Hopefully all those crazy people who trawl the internet looking for people to abuse for not liking Sachin enough will love this and buy it for the cover alone.

The rest of the you should buy it cause it is a decent bloody read.

True story.

My favourites include Andrew Fernando trying to sex up Sri Lanka, IOB talking demons, and Rob Smyth’s book chapter.

So pop over to Lulu and buy the mag, or just download it.

Spread it open and enjoy its beauty.

It should be noted that none of my blood or semen was mixed into any page.  I did ask, but Lulu has a strict no blood or semen policy.  Prudes.

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Inspired by Sachin – When Freddie Became Jesus: Sperm edition

With Sachin out there selling a book with his blood in it, I thought it was time for me to get in on the act.

If you would like a special edition limited release copy of When Freddie Became Jesus you can buy it for $10,000.

Every copy will have a genuine sample of my sperm in it.

Not just on one page either, I value my customers, I’ll spread it out, inside the front and back cover, and spread liberally throughout the book at random intervals.

There will only be about 7 books with this special little gift in them, they will be numbered and signed (in pen).

For those who can’t afford $10,000 dollars, we also have an urine stained selection for $500 that comes with a bonus pubic hair.

I expect these to go fast though, as they are limited to about 25, well I think I can do that many.

Can you think of anything better than reading a book and having the author right there with you, his bodily fluids positively flowing out of the pages.

The ultimate reading experience.

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Sachin Tendulkar Exclusive

Last night I went to spin magazines night with IOB in which he talked about his ass injury.  Twas a good night, but the highlight was meeting someone who had met Sachin Tendulkar.

It wasn’t a highlight because she had met him, but because when someone suggested she ask Sachin a question, she asked him what his favourite cheese was.

I know.

Apparently Sachin said that was a very good question, which just shows how ridiculously polite he is, I might have just laughed in her face, or (if I was Sachin) gathered other people over to laugh at her.

But the answer might just unlock the secret of batting, Sachin said, “You know, I don’t really like cheese.”

And there it is.

A batting secret given to us by a master.  I don’t really like cheese.

Ofcourse he doesn’t like cheese, it clogs him up, it clogs up everyone, but our parents still gave us cheese as a child and we stupidly ate it instead of just becoming batting gods.

We are all idiots.

I wonder what else Sachin doesn’t like, and not just food, maybe he never watched Bill & Teds excellent adventure, or he never listened to Milli Vanilli.  For all we know he may have never eaten an ice cream or asked another child to touch his thingy.

Those we will never know, but he has given us one secret, and we must respect that.

Cheese stops runs, that we now know, too late for most of us, but hopefully there is some kid out there reading this who goes on to become the next big thing, and thanks us for telling him about the secret of cheese and batting.

Thank you, Sachin.

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The CWB football team

I’ve decided to pick a team of football from what cricket has to offer.  It wouldn’t win the world cup, but I think I’d enjoy watching them play.

Striker

Sachin– sure he is not gifted with the most athletic frame, but like a non mental Diego Maradonna more than makes up with it with the ability to score at will and carry a team.  Has had some pretty handy world cups already.

Striker

Pollard – big strong and has great club form, picked for his ability to turn only a few opportunities into goals.  People worry that he has never done anything at international level to justify his millionaire status.  He doesn’t seem to mind.  Probably not adverse to the odd dive and handy with headers.

Left Midfield

Sulieman Benn – Occasional brilliance is often overshadowed by talk of his height and temper.  Only player to be sent off by his own captain after a bad tackle and bad attitude.  It is never clear if he ever tries to actually hit the ball in a tackle.

Centre Midfield

Ponting– Scores more than most, but is still a very heavy handed defender.  Is quick, plays well of both feet, is a winner, but can lose his temper at times. Has won at the top level a few times before. Doesn’t like being substituted.

Centre Midfield

Mark Boucher – A tough team player.  Like a rugged family sedan, once you have him there you’d know that spot was well taken care of.  Yet you’d still drop him from time to time to see if you have someone younger or flashier.  He might misread how much injury time is left in big games.

Right Midfield

Paul Collingwood – Often thought of as nothing more than a defender who plays midfield, yet he can score on occasions and is always important at the end of matches.  Only has a right foot, and this often makes his ungainly style look even uglier than it would normally.

Left Back

Ray Price – Hard as nails, ready to hack you just for fun, always slower than the men he is defending.  No one ever gets past him with the ball and their shins.

Centre Back

Charl Langeveldt – Steady, consistent, easily droppable, and dependable.  He will have been in and out of the team for years.  The sort of defender that gets no headlines but does the job when you can’t find anyone better.

Centre Back

Kumar – Silky smooth defender that makes the opposition strikers feel ungainly in comparison.  Always takes a piece of the ball, is the captain, penalty taker, and pin up boy of the team.  Also the most likely to put off the opposition when they’re taking a penalty.

Right Back

Harbhajan Singh – An attacking insane defender who loves to take free kicks from 40 yards believing that he can score a goal.  Mostly he’ll miss by a mile, but every now and then he’ll score.  Will also be red carded for the occasional slap.

Keeper

Rahul Dravid – Nothing gets past Rahul.  Sure there are times he is less animated than an East German goal keeper, but would you ever back yourself to get through him?

Manager

Jamie Siddons – All the best managers have trouble keeping their emotions in check, Siddonds fits  this well.  With him in full view of the cameras you can really see the veins almost explode in his head as the other team score.

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Sachin Tendulkar does the twitter

In a world of hate, pain and Justin Bieber, it is good to know there is someone as pure as Sachin Tendulkar.

He is the moral compass of the world, and without him we would be nothing but angry animals flinging faeces at each other.

This is how twitter used to be, not now, because by clicking @sachin_rt you can be saved by the man himself.

So far Sachin’s twitter form has been patchy.

This photo is clearly the highlight.

By the way this time its real me. No more wrong info... Good ... on Twitpic

News of Sachin has spread fast, he is gaining new followers at the rate of 1000 every second, or more, it was changing so fast I couldn’t do the numbers.

And people can’t wait to talk to their man:

“u rock man… just want to get ur dedication level.. we can’t even think of indian cricket without u !!!”

@cubicile_blues: Twitter does not need to verify @sachin_rt. @sachin_rt has just verified that this is the real Twitter”

“the peoples following rate is amazing and count increases each and every sec. Ur the God and u prove it Sachin!! Lov u!!!”

“If nothing else, @sachin_rt brought many zombie tweeter users to life.”

@Sidin: Dear @sachin_rt, is it true you once said Sreesanth is the best bowler you’ve ever faced? Thanks.”

“Finally the God of Cricket is on Twitter…..”

“The only record left for him 2 break is max number of followers:-)”

“IT IS A GR8 DAY.. THE GOD OF CRICKET ON TWITTER ..NW U WL B MORE CLOSE TO US THE COMMON PPL OF INDIA WHO LOOK AT YOU AS A GR8 MAN”

“Please @sachin_rt quit twitter. I dont want you to follow @LalitKModi”.

People are already hoping that Sachin gets more followers than Ashton Kutcher, but I think that would be mean. Kutcher is the Charles Coventry of Hollywood, at least leave him with something, Sachin, well something other than Demi Moore.

If you feel the need to stalk players on twitter here is a list I created earlier. Or you can stalk me.

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Sachin and Rahul – Australian cricket legends

Sachin Tendulkar and Rahul Dravid have played international cricket with each other for over 14 years.

They probably know what each other likes for breakfast, what they clothing they sleep in and what kind of dirty films they like to watch.

They’ve shared the highs of beating Australia in Australia and the low of playing with Agit Agarkar.

So when Rahul edges a ball to slip and Sachin claims the catch you expect nothing more than Rahul trudging off.

That didn’t happen.

Instead Rahul stood his ground.

It was a glorious moment.

As he stood his ground I felt bonded to Rahul, I believe walking is for people who don’t own cars to take through the drive-thru at Maccas.

And here was Rahul, doubting the word that many people count as the word of God in India.

That takes balls, but it also takes a certain amount of miss-trust.

If Rahul was Ricky Ponting and Sachin was Steve Waugh, you’d expect this type of miss-trust. Australians don’t walk when their mother tells them she has claimed the catch, especially our mothers.

This was India, and thusly, funny as hell.

Had Rahul been wrong, it might have not been as funny, but he was not wrong to stay at the crease.

It was one of “those” catches. The sort that Andrew Strauss and Ab DeVilliers have claimed only to look like dirty assed cheats later on. One that on the close in replay looked like there was more than a touch of grass on it.

Ofcourse all of these catches close to the ground are hard to take a firm stance on, the ball looked like it hit the ground, but it looked like from straight on, and they often do. From straight on the ground has no arch, and Sky tests have shown that balls that are caught clean can look like they hit the ground.

Who knows whether Sachin’s was a case of cheating or 2D trickery? I prefer to think of him as cheating, as that makes him more like me, and I like him more for that.

It was by far the most interesting part of the IPL semi final since no one turned up to cuff Modi.

It was also a lovely bit of unsporting Australian style cricket by two Indian legends.

I’ve never been prouder.

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Sachin Tendulkar & the Art of Sado-Masochism

Until today, the one thing missing from Sachin Tendulkar’s extensive cricketing portfolio was a proper world record, one that counted for most people.

Ok, so he’s scored more Test tons than anyone else. On the other hand, not one of those 47 hundreds has seen him pass 250. Granted, neither did Border or Waugh, but neither of them aspired to be regarded as the greatest Test batsman of all time.

And when you think of the greatest ODI batsmen of all time, you probably think of the power hitters, the Richardses, Jayasurias and Gilchrists of this world. But not the man who now holds that elusive record for a highest score – and in doing so made the first double hundred in ODI history, too. That latter point is no mean feat – there have been over a thousand more ODIs than Test matches, so it has taken almost as long for someone to make a 200 in ODI cricket as it took someone to make a 400 in the longest form of the game.

It was a very different kind of innings to Lara’s 400, too. That was a knock of pure tedium, one man selfishly grinding his way to a record total in a dead rubber against an attack which included Gareth Batty.

Tendulkar, on the other hand, faced the world’s number one bowler, opened the batting and brutalised an entire attack. It was the cricketing equivalent of shagging someone so long and so hard that you both know you are going to wake up sore in the morning, but keeping doing it because you’re having fun and you know that, in some sort of masochistic way, they are, too.

Whatever you might think of the man, this was one hell of an innings.

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Sachin makes 200

Usually in a moment like this I would try and write some epic piece.

Not today.

Sachin Tendulkar made 200* in a one day international.

There is nothing to say.

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