Tag Archives: andrew symonds

roy gets kicked out of a bar

A cricketer walks into a bar.

He has a shaven head.

But a famous face.

Someone drops a glass.

He, and his team mates, get asked to leave.

It makes the papers.

Hardly a story involving a politician snorting cocaine off the anus of a slave boy from Mongolia.

But in James Sutherland’s little browned book another mark goes against Roy.

You have to respect Andrew Symonds.

Most people start off immature, and slowly grow up.

It takes some longer than others, and occasionally you get to a certain age and have a mid life crisis where you become immature for a little time.

Andrew Symonds has dome something different, he is losing all the maturity he never really had.

Its not really a news worthy event, Roy gets drunk fortnightly.

He gets caught doing something stupid almost weekly these days.

It should be a story if Roy doesn’t get drunk and do something stupid for a month.

Chris Simpson says “I don’t consider that he was loud and boisterous.”

But like that matters.

It makes the newspapers, and we laugh at Roy.

Tagged , ,

this is not your time roy

The lump of shit/cowdirtgate involving beer, Roy & HG, Prince Brendan and a soused Roy just took another victim.

Andrew Symonds’ testicles.

The 4,000 clam fine was a bait and switch.

The real fine was his manhood.

Sorry son, you are too mentally fucked up to play for Australia.

We wont have you, and your alcoholic nature tainting this losing team.

The team needs more sober players who just aren’t up to it.

James Sutherland has spoken.

Some may question why they bothered to fine him for his comments if they were intending to suspend him from another tour, don’t bother, you can’t possibly understand inside the mind of an administracrat like Sutherland.

James has prescribed more pshychological counselling.

Which is all fine for a normal Probot, but Roy is like the Irish, impervious to psychobabble, it just isn’t in his nature.

Symonds’ career is all but over.

There was a time when Ricky carried a certain amount of power, and he used that power to get the players he liked in the team.

Ricky has no such power now.

And sports drinks, banks or breakfast cereal will not tolerate Roy’s anti corporate behaviour.

Roy is learning about generational change first hand, and it reminds me of a line in Sin City.

“Dwight: Most people think Marv is crazy. He just had the rotten luck of being born in the wrong century. He’d be right at home on some ancient battlefield swinging an axe into somebody’s face. Or in a Roman arena, taking his sword to other gladiators like him. They woulda tossed him girls like Nancy back then.”

Roy was born at the dawn of a new era, the time when Australian players were lauded for drinking efforts dissolved 10 years ago, and now the men in suits control the game, and all transgressions that separate you lead to an exit.

He will be 34 soon, and Cricket Australia won’t let a man on the way out sully their dream of a corporate utopia.


the hunter

This is a homage to Roy, and to Kevin Peter Hall.

Tagged , ,

How the mighty have fallen

My Uncle Ross sent this to me.

I likes it.

If you have a photo of something that takes the piss out of cricket, send it through to cwb@cricketwithballs.com and i may just put it up here.


Roy is fine, thanks for asking

“All of a sudden everyone is asking questions about him. I’m not sure why that is,”

Ricky Ponting

The him is Roy.

And Ponting is not sure why people want to ask questions about him.

He’s a funny man that Ponting.

It’s like he lives in a different world (thanks rob) than the rest of us.

Tagged ,

Roy fishes for trouble

Roy is back.

Not in form.

But in trouble.

This time it is being involved in a bar altercation.

Unfortunately it all sounds pretty tame, and he didn’t hit anyone with a barramundi.


Apparently some dude had a go at him in a pub James Sutherland would never drink in.

Luckily for you i have an updated copy of the players conduct conditions that all Australian cricketers must sign.

Roy has broken several clauses:

17.67a Drinking alcohol is fine, but you cannot drink in any bar that thinks bundy & coke is a cocktail.

88.96c Players may stay out till dark, but must be tucked up in their hotel room bed by the time the first episode of CSI or Law & Order is being shown in Australia.

1a Thou shall never drink with Rugby players, if you have to slum it, find an aussie rules player.

65.23d Australian cricketers will have no personality.

So this means the end for Roy.

Under these rules he will be put down at a simple ceremony out the back of Radelaide oval, just near the place where Mark Cosgrove hides his pizza boxes.


Brad, please, no, for the love of something

He did it again.

It’s like he doesn’t get it.

They don’t like being bagged Brad.

They don’t like be constantly told they are getting it wrong.

And they don’t like you questioning them.

It’s ok when a reporter asks you about selection for you to say, no comment, or make a sarcastic sigh.

It is not ok for you to lambaste the very men you need on your side.

And that is not even the worst bit, you are doubting Roy’s selection.

You mad little fucker.

He is like a national hero, when Australia rewrites the history books, Roy will be the reason we lost to India.

He is public hero number 1 right now, and you question his selection.

What goes on in that little head of yours.

Then you bag Simon Katich, that is like pissing on the face of a selectors daughter Brad.

And that is not nice.

Please Brad, no more, think of the children.

Tagged , ,

Fishing for the truth

I knew there was something fishy about the whole barramundigate.

Turns out the story is all sorts of bullshit.

The fishing has nothing/very little to do with it, it seems like the boys are having a few issues with each other before Darwin.

Apparently Pup and Roy had a little falling out in the Windies, and they haven’t slept with each other since.

Roy used to be loved by the boys for being unprobotic.

But now that has all changed, Pup is already putting his mark on the team, and drinking, and fishing are not allowed.

Pup probably thought telling Roy off would fire him up for India, instead it has landed the Australians with Shane Watson.

I have already stated my thoughts on this, i am less than pleased.

You can’t talk a guy up because he is relaxed, and then shunt him off for the same reason.

This may be the first time in history Australian players have had a bad team experience in a bar.

They should have stuck to drinking on planes.

What I think the squad for India should be:

Matthew Hayden, Phil Jaques, Ricky Ponting, (c), Mike Hussey, Michael Clarke, Simon Katich, David Hussey, Brad Haddin, Brett Lee, Mitchell Johnson, Stuart Clark, Ashley Noffke, Jason Krezja, Bryce McGain.

What the Australian paper thinks it will be:

Matthew Hayden, Phil Jaques, Ricky Ponting, (c), Mike Hussey, Michael Clarke, Simon Katich, Shane Watson, Brad Haddin, Brett Lee, Mitchell Johnson, Stuart Clark, Doug Bollinger, Beau Casson, Bryce McGain.

Tagged , ,

sort it out chaps

The nonsense has gone too far.

I now feel I need to step in.

Andrew Symonds is going to India.

I don’t care if I have to find a jet and fly him there myself.

He has been Australia’s most consistent batsman for the last 12 months, and more importantly the one who gets them out of the shit when they are in trouble.


Forget the counsellors, forget the fishing, forget the IPL.

Roy, we need you in India.

I don’t understand what has gone on in Darwin.

And I don’t care, they wanted to make a point to Roy, and they have.

Now lets play some test cricket.

Shane Watson, Ashley Noffke, Simon Katich and Future PM David Hussey are all possible replacements.

But even the thought of Future PM playing is not enough for me to discard Roy.

Michael Clarke I’ll give away for half a pocket of chewies and a napkin.

Roy however is the real deal, plus he plays great against India.

No matter what he has done, and I really mean that, i don’t care if he slept with a male dog, he must play.

Roye and Pup need to kiss and make up before daddy or Uncle Matthew get home, because they will be pissed.

I refuse to go to India with a lessened team because Roy is too relaxed and Pup and King Probot are too uptight.

Sort this out now chaps, or i’ll get acidic on your asses.


more bad news for roy

As if being chucked out of Darwin wasn’t bad enough, Roy has all new problems.

Dean Jones, he of the self proclaimed legend status, is on his side.

Never a good sign in an argument.

If i found out that Dean Jones held the same views as me on abortion, or over vs under toilet paper hanging, i might change my mind.

Just when public sentiment was starting to go towards Roy, Deano pops in and mentions footballs wearing negligee and holding sex aids.

I am not sure what this has to do with Roy fishing, but Deano never di make much sense.

According to the article Dougie Walters thinks Roy is on too much money.

I think the main problem here is that Roy doesn’t wear negliee and walk down the street with sex aids, because if he did, he would find out that fishing is no where near as exciting.

Tagged ,