Tag Archives: player profiles

balls profiles: harbhajan singh

Is called the turbanator because he wears a turban and he once took a shit load of wickets. If he had taken the wickets with a dickie cap on, he could have been the dickinator. Was once part of the best non-spinning spin attacks in cricket history. In India he is one of the most deadly beasts on earth, outside of India he is much more like a grumpy old uncle. Celebrated the Perth test win more than any 12th man ever has. Is prone to dancing, and to be fair, is not bad. Is not liked by Matthew Hayden, it’s possible they’re lovers. Slapped Sreesanth in the face. Called Roy something. You can see him as a pious fierce nationalist with terrific skill in offspin and an inflated sense of himself, a cunt, or a decent bowler who loves the cameras a bit much. Or perhaps all three. Has a doosra, bowls with long sleeves.

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balls profile: Umar Gul

Perhaps the longest face of any bowler in world cricket.  Gul is known for his yorkers in T20 cricket, his wides in ODI cricket and his general blandness in test cricket.  Little is known about Gul, mostly because he has never had genital warts or carried drugs through an airport.  Would probably be more respected if he had proper Pakistani fast bowling hair.  It’s important if you are not Pakistani to pronounce it Gull, as in Seagull, as it shows a certain respect to your Pakistani friends.  Is the only man to master reverse swing in T20 cricket which must mean he has some of the greatest ball tampering skills in history.  Respect.


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balls profile: kane williamson

People have never used the word moxy to describe Kane Williamson, mostly because they don’t use that word much anymore. Kane’s brief career has had innings of moxy involved, not big bad innings that make people weep, but just innings with a touch of moxy. His bowling is clearly a chuck. Now what he wants to do in his career is either learn to turn his innings from moxy to monumental, or never take a big haul of wickets so that the opposition get angry enough to mention that he chucks. Right at the moment his action resembles a young kid who is learning to throw darts, people have noticed it, they just don’t care yet. Can blow bubbles in gum while waiting for the bowler to come in. There is something about his forehead.

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balls profile: michael clarke

“Didn’t I always tell you if I stayed in place and never spoke up, good things were bound to happen?” said General Casey in Mars Attacks before he meets the martian ambassadors.  Michael Clarke’s career has seemingly been much of the same.  I know he likes cars, women and tattoos, but other than that I have never really detected an ounce of personality or anything he really believes in.  He may be a pod. His batting is now professionally carried out, after earlier histrionics and making runs when Australia were on top.  Likes quick return flights between Australia and New Zealand.  He bats in a constant 3rd gear, and seems to have removed fourth and fifth as an option. His left arm spin is luckier than Lyle Lovett at times.  In many ways Clarke is the Celine Dion of modern cricket.

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balls profile: Paul Collingwood

Has the face of a grizzled character actor in an old irish mob film.  When he does curl his face up for a smile, it’s the smile of a man who has seen a lot.  Once said he hated the captaincy, then captained England to their first major limited overs title shortly after.  Is only good when you bag him, his Sunderland nature cannot handle any praise.  When the Queen said good job once, he threw up in her mouth, figuratively. Left twitter after only a short time because people kept saying nice things to him. Probably hates the nick name the Bruce Willis of Nudgers.  Bats like he is shovelling coal, or some other menial old timey job involving shovels. It’s never pretty, but he does get some sort of job done.  His bowling is a living homage to the military medium pace in New Zealand’s past. Once made a captaincy decision so good that Daniel Vettori said a naughty word.

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balls profile: graeme swann

It is hard to believe that the coolest spinner in test cricket is an off spinner from England; we have clearly reached the end times. Swann is a lovable tosser, although not a fan of London accented Pakistanis. He has no magic tricks as a spinner; he doesn’t invent new deliveries or experiment too much. Although, if he did tricks, he could hide them behind his massive chin. Swann bowls a lot of good balls and works batsmen over using his brain even more than his fingers. Gets good spin, yet is not averse to bowling more full tosses than a club leg spinner on a bad day. Once travelled home drunk to save a pussy. Can bat, although not in the all rounder sense, more like a smashed cowboy riding a bull. Was once in a band. Got punched on his first test tour, by a teammate. I think he imagines that every time he goes out on the field women are throwing their underwear at him, this is yet to actually happen to him.

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balls profile: mitchell johnson

If you imagine the whole world is a scary place where anything could kill you, now you’re thinking like Mitchell Johnson. His tongue and labrette piercings were no preparation for the pain he would feel on the 09 Ashes trip. Given the gift of express pace and the power to lift the ball out of the ground there should be nothing stopping him. This is not the case. Instead is more like a lion scared by mice. His left arm slingy action is fast, proper fast. Facing it must be like being stuck in a horror film that is so bad it’s good. Has a brilliant knack of getting wickets just after every Australian in the crowd has demanded he be taken off. Once gave up cricket to drive a van for a plumber. Is not an all rounder, probably never will be as he leaves the cricket the ball much like Christopher Walken would have in Deer Hunter.

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balls profile: Alastair Cook

No cricketer has ever worn more eye shadow while fishing at edges and opening the batting for England than Alastair Cook. Should really be called mini-Strauss, as he is very similar to Strauss, but sort of less. Has major technical flaws, never really puts his stamp on good attacks, and looks like he is confused as to what is happening around him. Luckily, he also has amazing patience, zen patience. The sort of guy who will stay outside in a queue for a cool night club for hours knowing that when he gets in it will be fun, even if he will only drink diet lemonade when inside. As explained in his Britneyesque autobiography, he is the most working class person from Essex to ever regularly go skiing. His brother is a top bloke.

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balls profile: Jonathan Trott

Trudging around cricket like a miserable bus traveller in the afternoon with unwashed clothes who has a facial tick that you don’t want to look at, but can’t look away from is Jonathan Trott. Started his career with an innings so composed everyone wanted to wear pads that looked too big for them and dive back to be run out in award winning photos. Then the honeymoon turned weird when he got to South Africa and his form cheated on him. Now he is back in form, although he never really looks in form even when he is. His batting is the very definition of gritty and his right arm swing bowling is less than serviceable, but far from embarrassing. His first name is Ian, but he uses Jonathan to distance himself from Bell. Wants to be Steve Waugh more than any person ever born in South Africa.

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balls profile: shane watson

Other balls profiles.

It takes real talent to be hated when you are pathetic and just as despised when you are good. Even those who have the talent to get to this level of hatred could never do it as well as Shane Watson. When not in front of the mirror, he seems to be able to move 95% of cricket fans into a frenzy of hate, pure detestation, clear revulsion, and a general uneasy sickness of rage. When he walks around town he has to prance through puddle after puddle of bile as people tend top spew it towards him involuntarily. The great thing about Watson is he seems to not be overly worried by this, the slushing of the bile around his trendy shoes has never changed who he is. His effectively-bullish technically-flawed batting and his elderly-man-getting-out-of-a-car bowling style have very little to do with the bile. The fact that he’s made himself into a very respectable opener does nothing to stop the loathing, and his bowling getting worse didn’t endear him to anyone either. It seems that almost everyone has a reason to hate Shane Watson, the most common being his fear of ghosts, how metrosexual he is, the posing, that he was created during operation paper clip, when he sent off Chris Gayle, calling a press conference to explain how he ate his breakfast (that he bought with Medifast coupons), how he is now good, calling Ajmal for chucking while facing him, that he was once rubbish and the time he hit Gambhir’s elbow. The really good thing about Watson is you don’t need a reason to hate him, it just comes natural. I’m sure he is a great friend, lover, confidant and son, when not playing cricket. He appears daily on the honours board at Lords, like Agit Agarkar. Does Pilates, not Yogalates, the prick.

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