Tag Archives: peter roebuck

Roebuck’s Howl

People who know Peter Roebuck far better than I do have already written about their personal experiences with the troubled Allen Ginsberg type figure of world cricket.

I only met Roebuck once, which is weird considering the amount of time we spent in shared press boxes. Writing about that one meeting, where he was very nice (bit of a close talker), doesn’t make much sense.

What I can write about is how Peter Roebuck had a small part to play in cricket with balls.

Most here would know that there aren’t many more aggressively didactic propganda machines than cricket in Australia.

This machine was in operation for years, even when Australia was rubbish.

By the mid 90s it was an oppressive machine telling me everytime I picked up the paper, watched the TV or listened to the radio that Australian cricket was the Alpha and Omega.

They weren’t wrong, Australia was better than a truck load of Dixie cups.

But they completely overlooked anything that didn’t fit the narrative.

It was as if Australia was a utopian cricket team that could do no wrong.

And mostly it was, but when something didn’t go right, or something else was up, no one seemed to notice or care.

It was a weird time to be a cricket fan in Australia.

Then there was Roebuck, one of the few voices in Australia who ever pointed that on occasion Australia was not the only thing that mattered in cricket.

Sometime around 2000 I remember an ABC radio stint that Roebuck did. Someone said to him, “surely Adam Gilchrist has to be thought of as perhaps the best Test batsman in world cricket”. It was a ludicrous suggestion.

I could imagine others in the Australian Cricket Machine eating that up, or at least treating it like it was worth considering.

Roebuck wouldn’t have any of it. Instantly he popped out the names of Lara, Waugh and Tendulkar. Then he talked about how much easier it was to bat at seven. Then he’d barely been in around in Tests for very long. He did it in his own analytically angst driven way, like his brain was going slightly quicker than his mouth and he was trying to spit all the facts out.

That was Roebuck to me, the dissenting voice.

That moment, and hundreds more like it, made an impression on me, and although Roebuck didn’t have much to do with my minority opinions, it was just good to know it wasn’t just me having them. That cricket was cricket, and that it wasn’t just a chance to prove Australian superiority.

I didn’t always agree with Roebuck. Sometimes I thought he was about as far from right as was humanly possible, and it’s hard to believe that he started thinking of himself as an Australian over the last few years.

But, he had the balls to say what he thought, and not just mindlessly nod in the direction of the gospel of the Australian Cricket regime. He really thought about things, and then he spoke or wrote about them pretty damn well.

It was easier for him, because he wasn’t Australian. Although, I doubt that made him any more likeable to the vast majority of Australian cricket fans.

Not that he was ever going to be that popular, his uneasy intense manner, posh accent and spanking of 19 year old boys in his care were always going to limit how much love he got.

It’s that dark side of Roebuck’s personality that may be the next story in his death. When the report of his death first was written, that line about the policeman was more ominous that Roebuck’s last published line.

Like Allen Ginsberg, it doesn’t really matter how important some people may think their work was, that young boy tag doesn’t disappear, especially not when you’re known as Spanky.

Ginsberg once said “I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness”.

Roebuck had one of the best brains in cricket, and it is now destroyed, starving, hysterical and naked.

That he killed himself, was involved in illegal actions with young men and perhaps even more doesn’t change the fact that years ago he also did things that had an impact on me.

Life isn’t ever clear cut, and history will remember Roebuck its own way, but for me he was a dissenting voice with some serious issues that eventually got him.

EDIT: Some think that I have inferred that Roebuck was a pedophile in this piece, which was far from my intention.  I have no idea who Roebuck fucked, although I know he never fucked me, even though I was looking pretty damn sexy the night we met.  When I mentioned the young boy tag, I did so on purpose with Ginsberg (who also wasn’t a confirmed pedophile), but that didn’t stop people inferring that he was.  Within 24 hours of this piece 3 other articles, that I know of, inferred Roebuck was a pedophile, which I knew would happen.  It was inevitable considering the amount of rumours about him behind the scenes, some said by people who wrote touching obits about him.  It’s actually kind of odd that a man who likes his men younger, but legal, is a pedophile, but a man who likes his women younger, but legal, is a legend.  Either way, it wasn’t my intention to say Roebuck was fucking young boys, ofcourse, if I wanted to say that, I would have just said it and not slipped it in a weirdly subtle way.  But I didn’t want to say it because Peter Roebuck didn’t invite me to watch him in the bedroom, strange as that may sound.

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Peter has a point

Peter Roebuck occasionally gets something spot on.

At other times he is clearly speaking out of of his bleached asshole.

This is one of those former times.

He is talking about two leg spinners, and how alike they are.

Anil “he of the straight one” Kumble.

And Cricket With Balls Own Nice Bryce McGain.

Roebuck gets leg spinning, and in this case he even gets the men involved ever more so.

“Put them alongside each other and try to guess which man until recently worked in a bank.”

He has a serious point type point here, although i would say that Anil looks more like an accountant.

But why split hairs.

Leg Spinning is a harder art than making it as a professional yo yo er.

Somehow through his haze on nonsense Roebuck has always understood this.

Leg Spinners are a weird bunch of crazy mother fuckers.

Like writers.

Worst combination ever, a writer who bowls wrist spin, they make crazy people look straight.

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google $ex with evil dragons

I had a discussion with a very intelligent cricket fan the other day, and she, (yes she you misogynist pig), is a really good sheila, the sort of chick you could have a bevy with whilst pretending to look into her eyes.

We were talking about google, and the sort of things people type into the search engine to find my site.

You see I like talking about myself, because it’s the only thing I’m almost an expert on.

I was telling this lass about the amount of times that women, (I’m assuming), type in things like

“aiden blizzard” + girlfriend (fair enough, according to some he’s dreamy)
david hussey girlfriend cricket (interesting choice)
adam voges girlfriend (big helmets are all the rage this year)
cameron white cricket girlfriend (the vics are popular)
mitchell johnson girlfriend cricket (labret piercing are hot)

It’s quite disturbing.

I think the looking falls into two categories.

Girls looking for trophy boyfriends.

Or girls trying to work out if the dude is single since she is shagging him, or on the verge of shagging.

There isn’t a young Australian domestic cricketer who hasn’t been googled with the word girlfriend next to his name.

Is this how the gold diggers work now, they google their potential sap.

These poor boys won’t know how to stop the buxom fake blonde from knowing everything about them and manufacturing their accidental meeting.

You have to feel sorry for the lads, as we all know cricketers hate peroxide and fake boobies.

I think we should stand up for the lads and put a stop to it nowt, if you ladies want a trophy man, either shag me or move on, I aint a fu©ken dating site for the young and the vacuous.

Glad that is cleared up, but people write lots of weird sh1t to get to this site.

Here are some of my favourites.

michael slater slept with adam gilchrist’s wife (oops)
shane watson nude (his new career)
“matthew hayden” christian hypocrite (suave is that you)
paper into * cleavage” (no idea)
afridi underwear lines (hmmm)
are indian balls big (are they)
couple having $ex in grand stand at the cricket (my dream)
cricketer underwear (see below)
cricketer’s underwear (see below)
cricketers caught naked (see below)
cricketers on underwear (do they snort it)
don bradman pissed his pants in cricket (my personal fav)
does trevor like his balls (who knows)
fu©kwit peter roebuck (was only written once)
graeme smith cricket in love with woman (but she thinks he is an ass clown)
how to write article on cricket (wrong site for that)
if i only had a mustache (or pubes)
indian cricketers in an underwear (hinglish porn search)
mark nicholas sycophant (uhum)
michael hussey womaniser? (doubtful)
michael slater coke (not pepsi)
michael slater gilly wife sleep (wife swap)
michael slater is adam gilchrist’s child’s father controversy (not funny)
no ball underwear (over stepping)
perving at the cricket (also known as tony greiging)
rick ponting ©unt (sounds better with a y)
ricky ponting in underwear (nice)
sex with evil dragons (cricket with balls we have sex with evil dragons)
stuart macgill gay voice (more snooty than gay)
underwear of ricky ponting (y fronts)
cricket with balls probot (I’m famous ma)

Oh and Cindy Nel gets the 2nd most hits for a female on here.

Jacques Kallis not so much.

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leadership gurus and the new world order

I understand sport is now professional.

I get that with the amount of money generated out of sport, that professional athletes have the rights to feed their family from the profits their actions generate.

I know that in a professional world there are going to be hangers on, looking to make a quick buck or two.

Doesn’t mean I have to like them.

With that we come to this story, Ray MacLean a former RAAF leadership dude comes in and helps the Australian team find the spirit of cricket.

How about contacting Richie Benaud, he is the fu©ken spirit of cricket.

I really don’t care if some football coach who was once from the northern suburbs of Melbourne likes him, or if the coach of the Australian basketball team used him.

If you want to know about the spirit of cricket, you don’t get a round table with Ponting, some suits, a professional coach and some dude that trained people to kill more efficiently.

You go and talk to ex cricketers, cricket historians, well respected cricket writers and then you ignore them all and continue to play to win.

I can’t help but think all this is being done to calm down Peter Spanky Roebuck.

The thing is, nothing calms down Spanky, he is constantly angry about something, which is fine, we have all come to expect that, but don’t placate him with spirit of cricket talks and such, just let him keep bagging the aussies while they win.

And who would take him serious after he called for Katich to be Australia’s next captain?

I think to stop all this nonsense we should play a test tomorrow.

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uglier than brendan, less smug than simon, but still not richie


This is for Suave.

I’ve just been thinking of Mark Nicholas, which isn’t normal for me, he’s a rather benign chap in general so I don’t really think of him.

I don’t dislike Nicholas as a commentator, he isn’t great, but when teamed up with Slater, Healy or Taylor he is pretty good.

When teamed up with Bill or Richie he is pretty shabby.

He is now the face of cricket in Australia, thanks to channel 9, and the fact none of our ex players or commentators are pretty enough or well spoken enough to do the job Richie did.

Except for Brendan Julian, but he’s Brendan Julian, enough said really.

There are good points about Nicholas being the face of cricket, he keeps Simon O’Donnell and his smug fu©king grin off the telly, mostly.

That’s all the good points.

My problem with Nicholas is that he is too nice to Australians, and pretty much anyone who was any good at cricket.

Probably even people who don’t play cricket.

In the taxi I bet he says

“So Biruk, tell us about how you work the onboard computer, because I’ve seen a lot of people do it, but no one does it with the skill, flair and timing that you show.

What’s your secret?”

It drives me insane.

But you must understand that this is probably my issue.

I’ve never liked people who are “too” nice. I don’t trust them, I trust @ssholes, that’s something I can understand.

Nicholas is just so nice, he could interview Hitler and his first question would be

“So Adolf, I hear you’ve got a german shepherd.

No good.

If were going to have a Englishman head our coverage at least give me a violent grumpy man like Peter Roebuck, Geoffrey Boycott or even Bill Nighy.

Some one who says bollocks a lot.

Some one with a real accent.

Someone who doesn’t sound like a tv personality.

Someone with a perversion.

You know, some one I can relate to.

Is a good bloke who likes to hit people and bag cricketers too much to ask for?

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Replace all cricketers with Harrison Ford I say


As much as I love VVS, I’m very angry with him right now.

Sydneysiders have got to watch him make two hundreds already.

But what have I seen, some starts, some teases and a lot of foreplay, but do I get the satisfaction one can receive from a Laxman hundred, no.

Sorry VVS, you will never be able to replace Natalie Portman in my dreams.

I didn’t even get to see it on the TV, but I did get to hear Harsha, Peter, Skull and Geoff Lawson talk about how great Laxman was, and how sh1te Dravid was.

I’ve always liked Dravid, so when I say this, I say it lovingly, in Japan when a samurai warrior is past his use by date, he commits seppuku. Think about it Rahul.

Australia are in a pretty good position at the close of play, and we all knows it’s because of the damn umpires, not the fact they let two tail enders score half centuries.

Bloody cheating Australians.

Steve “Roo” Bucknor and Mark “Emu” Benson continued to cheat for Australia at every turn, we all know that if it wasn’t for the umpires Tendulkar would average 99.95 and India would be the number one test nation in the world.

Rick(y) obviously decided that his hissy fit yesterday was a bit soft, so today he caught Dravid and then said he didn’t. That’s not true, he probably wasn’t sure if he caught it or not, so he decided to not go to the third umpire.

This is a shame, because Mark Nicholas is at his best when commentating third umpire replays. In fact its the only time I don’t want to do him bodily harm.

I think we should use the third umpire for every ball, just to make 100 perecent sure there are no mistakes, then we should replace umpires with robots that can count and use Blade Runneresque replicants instead of players.

That will stop all mistakes.

Mitchell Johnson got another wicket of a no ball today, but his one true fault is bowling 74 centimetres outside off stump all fu©king day.

Laxman proved he is a humanitarian by donating to the Save The Tongue Foundation, the chairman is Sourav.

Dravid spent all day not playing a shot, including a whole session where he scored 19 with only 6 singles, but then played possibly the ugliest shot this side of a Michael Bevan short ball convention.

Tomorrow I resume my position on the couch.

Remember, every day that I get fatter, I do so for you, the people.

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