Tag Archives: pakistanis

England shart

I was afraid that this England Pakistan series would be two attrition loving teams making sure they didn’t make mistakes as they both comfortably got to 0-0.

That might still happen.

Although today was funner than seeing a borne film on a roller coaster, the series could still dribble out staid draws and the two teams could end up sitting on the pot and not shitting.

But today England shit a bit.

And so did the rest of the world, with laughter.

Before this England had shown to be a largely robotic team that could capitalise on flaws and had even learnt the hardest art in modern cricket, the un-collapse.

192 is a long way from 51, 47 or 43,  but it’s a cock up.

And England may end up winning this series, and travelling on their next couple of subbie adventures with their pith helmets held high.

Or they could shit themselves and prove to naysayers that they are grass merchants who who frown on brown.

I think both are ideal outcomes.

If England do fight back here, and then beat the Lankans and Indians, they’ll be a number 1 number one.  So cricket will have another great enemy that needs to be brought down.

If England don’t fight back, and they continue to play spin like it’s got herpes, world cricket will have another good ordinary side for the other teams to play awkward teenage sex Tests with.

Today’s English collapse was against a bowler with a career average and strike rate of 30/68.   He’s a bowler that when he has a good day, he has a real good day, when he has a bad day you might as well rent a truck and drive over him.

England aren’t going to come up against too many Ajmal’s in the world, but it’s comforting to know that when they do, their capacity to shit themselves still remains, even if this was a shart my modern Test standards.

So either they fight back and we all marvel at the professional nature of the new England.

Or they fall apart while we all point and laugh.

Cricket can’t lose. England can.

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Salman Butt’s smackdown

It’s ok if cricket is fixed, because people still like wrestling says slammin’ Salman Butt.

He has compared cricket to a “sport” where the most interesting thing is the religious signs in the background.

That is a bigger crime than match fixing shortly.

But on the plus side, if you ever see Salman Butt and his collection of wanky watches making his way down the street, feel free to hit him over the head with a chair.

Or talk to him earnestly about whether a short leg for Jonathan Trott is needed or not.

He seems to love to chat about that.

Then hit him with a chair.

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Are Pakistan considering a woman coach?

I’m obviously not the only person who is going to apply for the Pakistani position, the cricket couch already has, and even the great Sana Kazmi has applied.

Although perhaps applied is too strong a word.

Sana asked if women could apply:

Dear Mr Alam,

I am a passionate supporter of Pakistan cricket as well as of the PCB as an organization for its professionalism and outstanding work ethic. I would be delighted to apply for the Head Coach position, but before I do so, I wanted to check whether you are accepting applications from women.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Sana Kazmi

For those who don’t know Sana, you will one day. She is an intellectual machine who will either become the first World President, or a junkie who collects Fraggle Rock memorabilia and ends up with her own chat show.

If she were in any election I’d vote for her because she is amazingly intelligent, fiercely competent and breathtakingly passionate.

And I’m basing this on her twitter feed; in real life she’s probably better than this.

This is a person that if it were not for her complete passion for cricket, or more importantly Pakistan cricket, would have already get the world of it’s dependency on natural gas, worked out how to desalinate water and put an end to reality TV.

Instead she spends her time finding every part of cricket information that she can, trying in her own way to help Pakistan cricket.

That said, she has no coaching experience, so as a head coach, she could be rubbish. No more so than Geoff Lawson, but still.

In her email she doesn’t say she has no coaching experience, in fact, other than blowing smoke up the ass of her potential employers and not using any coach speak like areas or skillsets, she says nothing of her background at all. She just comes off as an eager well-spoken woman who is asking if women can apply, not even coach, but just apply for the job.

This is the reply:

Dear Sana,
Thank you very much for your mail. I am sorry to in form you that we are not considring women for coaching job.
Intikhab Alam

Boom, boom.

No one is going to be surprised that Pakistan isn’t about to appoint a woman head coach. I mean if it is going to happen anywhere, you’d probably put your money on each and every other test-playing nation before Pakistan.

While it may happen one day in the future, right now there aren’t really that many women anywhere near coaching positions anywhere in the world. Belinda Clark is involved with the Australian Academy, and may shortly have a better title than that when the CA bingo is finished. And Gemma Broad is an analyst for the English team. Neither looks likely to become head coaches anytime soon. Most of the rest of the women in cricket work in the media or administrative side of things, and I can’t see Natalie Germanos, Sharda Ugra, Chloe Saltau, Donna Symonds and Alison Mitchell getting the Sri Lankan coaching job anytime soon.

It is funny that he even took time to respond, and that when he did he chose the option that seems like harder work. I mean how hard is it to say yes, and then just ignore all the emails from women, that’s how a proper chauvinist would do it.

For the record, I don’t think Sana Kazmi should be the Pakistan Coach, but she would make a kick ass head of the PCB, or even, a top-notch Head of Cricket operations.

If, as Intikhab Alam so poetically put it, the Pakistan players are mentally retarded and not toilet trained, I’d back her to fix that quicker than anyone else the PCB will employ.

As let’s be honest, the PCB’s male employees have not really been doing so well for them that they can just ignore 50% of the population.

And maybe it isn’t just women that they draw the line at, perhaps sufferers of dwarfism and albinism are out, camp homosexuals probably wouldn’t be allowed to apply and I doubt Pakistan would ever take an application from anyone who thought Greedo should have shot first.

That’s the problem with discrimination; if you stop the brightest and the best from being involved you end up with Ijazz Butt, some random white coach and Intikhab Alam having to teach toilet manners to idiots.

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My application for the Pakistani coaching position

It’s application season again at cricket with balls.

Since I was so busy working on a one day series that the players didn’t even care about, I missed out on the plum job of printing out fact sheets for John Buchanan’s New Zealand.

But I missed it, and John gave it to a dude from Lawn Bowls.

I should be mad, but I’m not.

The Lawn Bowls dude getting a job shows that all of us are now qualified to work in cricket, and with several jobs available, this is the best time to apply.

The Pakistani coaching job seems like the easiest to apply for, and also, will be the one I am most suited for.

Being that all they ask for is a resume (I mean come on, how piss easy is that?) I have attached my CV at the bottom of this post, and will also send it too intikhab@nca.com.pk.


The Jrod

Just one man and mostly less than that.


Escaping the womb with a well-judged three, I was born into a family of cricket fundamentalists.  Over dinner there would be talk about when the new ball should be taken, why two fielders in gully can be handy and how to properly balance a batting order.  Years passed and these conversations kept happening with family, friends and occasionally with drunken strangers or passionate taxi drivers.  Then when my film production company was stalling, I came to the UK and became the cricket-writing outcast I am today. Knowing that any attempt at a normal CV to your fine Cricket Side would be futile, I have changed a previous one to prove that not only do I have what it takes to Coach the mighty Pakistani side, I am your only option.


Shitting by a train

A real coach makes the tough calls even if he looks like a fool publicly.


We’ve all defecated in a public situation after a few drinks, but my public episode was not due to drinking.  Years ago when on my way to an afternoon rendezvous with a lady who wasn’t worth it, I caught the wrong bus, ended up in the middle of nowhere walking by a train line and needing a shit.  Now, there were two options, either take that shit near the train line, and show up fresh to her, or barge into her place demanding I use the toilet.  I took the tougher option and did my business right out in the open, which was fine, until the train came by.  From there I used napkins and newspapers to clean myself, and then went about my awkward copulation when I arrived at her place.


Two Pakistan shirts

No one puts a tiger in the corner.


You’ll get a lot of overseas coaches applying for this job.  Most of them will be selfish carpet baggers trying to get a few extra column inches before Australia, India, South Africa or England come calling.  Not me, I’ve wanted to coach Pakistan my whole life.  I consider it the one job in cricket I am actually perfect for.  I won’t be hugging Shoaib or holding large books that no one has ever finished, I’ll be wearing a Pakistan knock off ODI kit.  I am just that passionate about Pakistan cricket.  And if anyone in the press abuses our boys too much, I’ll challenge them to a jelly wrestling contest.


Match fixing

A little from column A, a little from column B.


If you are completely against Match fixing, illegal book making syndicates and want a pure and free Pakistan cricket team, I’m your man.  I will declare a war on match fixing at my first press conference and wear a t shirt with a cross through Hansie Cronje’s face on it.  However, if you are for match fixing, and want to continue this practice, I can also be of help.  What you want to do is tone it down a bit. I suggest just doing it against the kiwis.  I mean, who is going to remember the result of a New Zealand Pakistan ODI 8 minutes after it finishes?


Coaching experience

Mill Park Under 16s assistant coach


Other than one unproductive stint as an amateur junior assistant coach, my resume is empty.  This should not been seen as a negative, but as a positive.  I mean even that sentence proves that I have the skills to become a coach.  What I don’t have is an overabundance of experience weighing me down.  I’m fresh and clean, and I won’t be plagued by previous mistakes that I haven’t made.  I will essentially the Shahid Afridi of cricket coaches, and even though I am younger than he was when he hade his debut, I think that I am your man.



The end or close; final part.


As a country you need to decide, do we want a coach who is responsible, well-meaning, considered, analytical, good with people, respected and has a great cricket brain, or do you want a slice of the Jrod.  The choice is easy, nothing is more Pakistani than the Jrod.


Introducing Pakistan’s latest fast bowling golem: Junaid Khan

It’s two days since I saw Junaid Khan.

Since then I’ve had conversations with about 4 or 5 people where they have brought him up.

I expect more people to do so.

There is something that makes you want to tell everyone you know when you see a young Pakistani quick.

They get the heart started.

I can’t remember the last time one player got so many people talking in the UK since Amir played.

A Pakistani quick has the youth to make people interest, skill to make people talk,flair to get them to gush, and the sudden arrival to make it all feel like a dirty little secret that no one knows about but you.

There was no Junaid Khan for me before the other night, and bang, there he is, fully developed, bowling Yorkers out his asshole that seem to have some sort of artificial intelligence once they’ve left his hand.

It’s as if Pakistani quicks are created by some Muslim Cleric with ancient Hebrew texts.

“We need something to protect us, so I shall create another full bowling speed demon golem out of this magical clay that i found in Safraz Nawaz’s rose garden. He shall be fast like the wind, cocky like a Jagger, silky like a stallion and infectious like a STD. He shall roam the earth making people think of the Pakistani people as fast bowling lothario heroes, which will bring happiness to our people and carnage to the stumps of the world. Oh, yes, I like shaping the groin part, more clay please.”

I can’t believe that Pakistan just developed another fast bowling machine, one who might be fairly untested at the top level, but could be ripping it to pieces shortly.

Although, if my golem theory is correct, and let’s face it, it is, these golems are not made for our voyeuristic pleasure, they’ve been made because Pakistani cricket needs a saviour, to save it from itself, and Ijazz Butt.

And if ancient Jewish mysticism and Frankenstein has taught us anything, it’s that you might build a golem with the best of intentions, but things can go to shit after that.

The good news is that in Pakistan, there is a lot of clay.

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A terrible pitch in Guyana

According to some reports the pitch in Guyana was the worst PR for Guyana since the Jonestown massacres.

People start lining up to drink the koolaid.

“Yes, it was a close match, but what a disgusting pitch”

“Low and filthy, the curator should be gunned down on an airplane.”

“Batsmen just didn’t get a fair go, it’s disgusting to think this was a test match pitch”.

You know, and other bollocks like that.

Fuck all that. The Guyana pitch was a proper test pitch, it was tough to get runs on, you had to earn everything, and even wickets didn’t always come easy.

Tailenders were the hardest to get out in this match, the Windies had a 50 run partnership for the tenth wicket in the third innings.  That’s not a terrible pitch, that’s a tricky pitch.

Two teams with limited talent and questionable professionalism just slogged it out.

It wasn’t a heavy weight contest, it was two fat guys mud wrestling after a night on the piss.

It was a contest.  On the last day of the test both teams could have won. It was low down and dirty right until Umar Akmal went out.

Both teams were scrappy, it was a test you try and survive as much as win.

It wasn’t always pretty, and there were few maximums or breath taking cover drives, but it had spirit this test.

And some of that has to go to this gutter crawling bastard of a pitch, who may look like an ugly bastard you wouldn’t wanna cross at midnight, but was actually the kind of salt of the earth kind of pitch that other pitches should try and emulate.

Test cricket should be hard, and not just on bowlers.

The ICC shouldn’t send any congressmen to check on this pitch, the bastard is tough, but fine.

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balls profile: Umar Gul

Perhaps the longest face of any bowler in world cricket.  Gul is known for his yorkers in T20 cricket, his wides in ODI cricket and his general blandness in test cricket.  Little is known about Gul, mostly because he has never had genital warts or carried drugs through an airport.  Would probably be more respected if he had proper Pakistani fast bowling hair.  It’s important if you are not Pakistani to pronounce it Gull, as in Seagull, as it shows a certain respect to your Pakistani friends.  Is the only man to master reverse swing in T20 cricket which must mean he has some of the greatest ball tampering skills in history.  Respect.


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Make dot balls not war

This could have been the game to end all games.

But Pakistan were clever, whether it be the water, prisoners or Kashmir, they knew a polite loss was better for them.

Some will doubt this, they’ll think that Pakistan were just not good enough.

The truth is the Pakistan government sent in two diplomats in their middle order, and they did their job to cool the contest down so much that by the end there would be no problems.

This was disappointing to me.

To the sickos who like that sort of peace and hand holding stuff, this was a victory.

To me this game lacked the sort of hyperbolic anger I was hoping for.

Sure Sehwag preached quickly, Sachin’s innings was slapstick, and the Pakistan innings had a buried alive kind of feel, but it didn’t feel that explosive.

For Indian fans, they don’t care how they got there, as long as they do.

For Pakistan fans, they’ve got more important things to think about, like whether Rehman Malik is watching them.

Malik is watching me right now.

It’s creepy.

He’s far more aggressive than the Pakistani batsmen.

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Time for a cricket inspired war

There seems to be a thought that India V Pakistan can bring these two countries together at last. For some this isn’t a game, but a chance for two countries to unite and shake each other’s hands and eat fairy floss together.  They think that when these two teams play a respectable game that some how decades of hatred and suspicion will be overcome with a bit of “the best team won on the day”.

I don’t think so.

Cricket isn’t the sport to bring about world peace, but to bring it anarchy.

This world is stale and dull, we need an apocalypse, we need a world war, and I want cricket to inspire this.

For that to happen what is better than a world cup semi final where both teams cheat, sledge and abuse each other until the only option for both countries is all out war.

I don’t want civility and bullshit respect, I want complete and utter mentalness.

That is what the world needs, that is what the world cup needs, and that just seems like fun.

The world needs a revolution, and I’d like that to be brought out by a fight of the UDRS or whether there really was an edge behind.

Something really petty and cricket related.

I want anarchy to reign in the streets while American reporters try and decipher the LBW rule as people are slayed behind them.

If any sport was invented to bring us to a new world order it was cricket.

Now all we need is for the Indian and Pakistani cricket teams to do their bit.

Cheat, be arrogant, bend the rules, take a steamy dump on the spirit of cricket,  abuse your opposition and be as brutal as you can, don’t let this opportunity slip, the world needs you boys, it needs the apocalypse your cricket bastardy can bring.

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Rehman stops the fix with one press statement from hell

Too often in the past with small matches like most world cup semi finals, players just spot and match fixed their asses off.

They know by that stage in the tournament no one is really watching so they can get away with all sorts of shit.

In the past I’ve assumed Kenya, Sri Lanka, South Africa and New Zealand spot fixed blatantly in world cup semi finals, the problem was, no on was keeping a close watch.

This is the perfect time to fix a match, because who is going to be watching the semi finals of the world cup closely? Especially a boring game between India and Pakistan.

I suppose most of us cricket sadists and tragics will follow the scores casually, but very few will watch it.

Before I felt guilty about the possibility that I’d forget the game was on altogether, only to check the newspapers the next day and see the score.

Now I don’t, because Rehman Malik has his eye on this one and his eye is all seeing and magnificent and super genetically modified and carbon based.

“I gave them a warning yesterday that there should be no match-fixing. I am keeping a close watch. If any such thing happens, we are going to take action,”

The problem is, I don’t really want to have to watch either of the semi finals, who has the time, or for that matter, the final, but it is important to me as a cricket fan that no fixing of any kind is going on.

So, Rehman, if you’re upto it, the whole world is going to ignore the last three games and just take your word for it that everything goes clean.

Oh, but I’m also worried that the teams won’t prepare well, my team isn’t playing, and I won’t be watching, but it would pain me if the players weren’t well prepared.

“They should concentrate on their practice and must go to bed early. They should ensure discipline and rise up according to their schedule.”

That’s a weight off my shoulder.  Jesse likes the night light kept on, and Yuvraj can’t eat after 10 because he gets nightmares.

So they’re in bed, but what about their phones. I mean who the hell is Upul Tharanga talking to, it’s probably some sexual predator who likes the less exciting opening partner.  Can you help out there as well, Rehman?

“I should not have revealed but we keep an eye on people who meet our players, with whom they talk by telephone.”


Well, dude, I think you’ve got this covered.

Oh, just one last one, can you end corruption in cricket while you have a few spare minutes?

“If you want to stamp out corruption in cricket, the simple law of the world is crime should not pay,”

There is genius in that, Rehman, thanks for fixing world cricket one press statement at a time.

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