Tag Archives: Neil Harvey

All of cricket’s days are shit: attack of the Neil Harveys

I’ve seen a lot of cricket books of recent times, they’ve been written by a host of people from a bunch of different countries, but the over riding message of them was that ‘cricket was better in my day’.

No it wasn’t you sentimental cuntox fuckbrain.

Cricket was different in your day. You liked it, you were young, had hair and could get a blow job without paying for it, cricket had problems in every era, even yours.

Cricket has it’s problems right now.

It can’t work out whether it want to suck on the fat monied penis of India, or cry rape.

It’s dabbled with technology, but never really got it right the way Paris Hilton did.

It can’t work out whether it wants fresh blood or just want to remain an incestuous private affair.

People bowl no balls all the time, and sometimes buy a new car with the profits.

Cricketers turned into gangsta rappers for a while, although it was just one drive by.

The most watched form of the sport is the one everyone lines up to take a dump on.

Test and ODI cricket die more than Harbhajhan Singh would doing Monkey impressions at the Symonds’ household.

And the free hit camera in the world cup was perhaps the biggest hate crime perpetrated on sports fans since the slow motion camera was used in sprinting after tight groin hugging costumes were invented.

Yet, it’s alright.

It’s alright in the way if someone asks you how it’s going, you say, I’m alright.

It’s probably not great, but it’s ok, better than shit, far from awesometitties, but we like it.

Players who get injured generally get looked after, there is support for cricketers who suffer from mental issues, in most cases cricketers make what professionals in other fields make at least, you can come out safely and with the advent of artificial hair surgery you can smile awkwardly on an ad and get free hair like substance to hide your bald spot. There’s probably more good stuff, like video analysis and stuff like that, but you get the gist.

Cricket has always been a bit fucked up, it’s part of it’s unique charm.

As the Woody Allen of sports it is far too introspective, manic and more likely to sleep with an adopted daughter than most sports.

Most sports are less likely to declare a major format of theirs dead on a daily basis.

That’s part of cricket’s charm, the worrying mumbling sport in the corner of the room whilst the other sport try and pick up.

It’s not smooth or charming, it’s kind of accidentally vulgar and offensive, but in an intellectual way.

Cricket’s always been like this, the problem is everyone looking back looking for the golden era.

There is no cricket golden era, there is just more shit.

Amateurs pissing on professionals, match fixing, whites only, uncovered pitches, slow scoring rates, bore draws, racism, shit over rates, veiled racism, elitism, players getting ripped off, the MCC dictatorship, politics, rebels, Kerry fucken Packer, the middle overs, and the back foot no ball rule.

We’ve had it all, there are no glory days, Bruce Springsteen lied to you, just days you remember fondly.

If you’re going to write a cricket book, feel free to talk about how the decade you love was your favourite, but if you dare to write about cricket’s golden period, how it was better back then, when cricket was cricket, or anything like that, know that I will hunt each and every one of you down and beat you to death with a cricket bat that looks more like a paddle, but that can hit you 20% further.

Cricket wasn’t better in your day, you were just too fucken stupid to notice.

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Neil Harvey says

“You call that a shit Australian team, you’re an idiot. All too busy tweeting your faces at each other and praising Steve Waugh to know that this isn’t even the worst Australian team in the last 40 years. You’re soft fat headed fools for thinking that.

When I was a selector they were real hard times. Half my team disappeared quicker than you can say, ‘someone shoot that fat prick Packer’.

Back then we had rubbish spinners, tonnes of them, but we didn’t complain, we just put them in the side and told everyone to shut the hell up.

Our captain wasn’t no fading champion either, he was just some bloke we picked because he had a tough sounding name.

Rodney Hogg carried us back then, man was crazier than a hat full of assholes, but he did the job and wasn’t rested.

They were the real deal, not like this lot.

Selling jumpers, getting girly tattoos, hugging, taking showboat hat tricks, executing their bloody tweet boxes, apologising for being Australian, and giving interviews two minutes after they’ve shafted their team mates.

Sure, they’ve got a bit of talent there, but I wouldn’t pick em in my worst team.

Not even Xavier Doherty or Steve Smith. Hell, I’d pick 11 Craig Serjeants before I’d cough up for one Phil Hughes.

Craig never said he wanted to be the new Viv Richards, the boy knew his limitations and spent his whole career proving he did. That is special.

These new guys have no idea of their limitations, even though the rest of us are sick of seeing them.

Back when I was selector the useless cricketers had a certain dignity in their play, they knew they were useless, and were helpless to stop it, but they had class about it, and they were far worse than this mob.

Cricketers were far worse in my selecting days.”

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ashes fact 1

Are these the best Ashes facts ever?

“No, they’re not, no, far from it. I could name plenty of other Ashes Facts that are probably better than this lot and they get carried away with the strength of the opposition these days. They have neither the effectiveness of Ray Robinson, the stunning grace of Jack Fingleton, nor the masculine charm of Bill O’Reilly. See the current lot have, in my opinion, have got two weaknesses. They talk about stuff no one cares about, and they don’t have all-round appeal. I’m not sure you can even call these Ashes facts. In my day Jack Fingleton would write 1000 Ashes facts on a beer coaster during the lunch break. They were top Ashes facts too, none of this mumbo-jumbo rubbish. Not one of these Ashes facts would make it into the top 10,000 that Ol’ Jack would write. You young blokes don’t even understand Ashes facts. Don Bradman, now there is a man who knew his Ashes facts, I remember one day Sammy Loxton and I were drinking in the hotel and Bradman came up and told us to go to bed, so we did, and as he tucked us in he told us Ashes fact after Ashes fact until we fell asleep. Not because they were boring, but because they were so in depth and facty that after hours of them we went to sleep with a smile on our face. I remember talking to Alec Bedser about Ashes facts one day, and for a Pom he really knew his stuff. We spent 4 weeks talking about nothing but Ashes facts; we did it walking as well. You’ve got to use your feet when Ashes facting. You young people don’t understand though. None of you are good enough at Ashes facts to even mention them in my presence. Money is the only thing that keeps these Ashes facts being written. If they earned the same money as I did when I was facting they’d have retired by now as I did, and Ashes facts would be the better for it. As you have always known, Ashes facts were better in my day. “

Neil Harvey

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nesta notifies neil

Nesta Quinn of 99.94 put this in the comments the other

“And a Happy belated Birthday mate and look out for me in the crowd at the ‘G on Sunday, I’ll be hard to miss wearing my homemade Cricket with Balls T-Shirt personally autographed by Neil Harvey last weekend at the SCG.

He pissed himself (translation for the unlucky and untanned: laughed long and loud) when he read the byline and then asked me if blogs were a type of boot.

I told him they were and bought him a beer while he prattled on about batsman not wearing spikes these days and how ‘sneakers’ were for tennis players.

I paid for the brew and respectfully hightailed it before I laughed in the old fella’s face but I must say that encounter was more thrilling and entertaining than Clarke’s ton, Siddle’s skittle of the tail and almost as good as Johnson clean bowling Smith.

If you return home JRod I’d be more than happy to present it to you as a birthday gift.”

This is the best comment I have had since Bryce McGain commented.

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Hayden tries ard to be a pain in the bum

“he’ll always be trying his best, that’s Matthew”

Kellie Hayden (Mrs Hayden, Wife of Matthew)

The first thing i noticed about this was the way she tried to humanise him, i took me 8 seconds to realise Matthew was Hayden.

I am glad he is trying hard, i know i would if i played for Australia, I would try harder than anyone before me, but i’d still be shit, not Nathan Hauritz or Beau Casson shit, but shit nonetheless.

Mrs Hayden no doubt loves her Matthew, but the rest of the cricket world have some issues with the orphan eating bear like fuckhead.

He has been a pompous redneck clown most of his career, and this is payback.

Luckily the Haydens aren’t reading this.

“We haven’t been reading a lot of what has been written,”

So i know she sure as hell isn’t going to start by reading this blog.

There is actually good news about Matthew’s non retirement or vicious sacking.

Neil is back.

“He is a pain in the bum.”

He says of Hayden.

“I thought he was pathetic today”

On his first day knock.

“He wasn’t trying to score runs and he had forgotten how to hit the ball, and at his age he is not going to get any better, is he?”

On the cruel nature of age.

Neil was obviously back in the media after the success of The Neils.

We have missed you Neil, as you know, cricket was better in your day.

One day we hope to be called pathetic and a bum by Neil Harvey….

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Neil Harvey speaks, I fill in the blanks

Neil Harvey spoke to Nagraj Gollapudi, about love and lust for Cricinfo and Wisden.

I talk shit in italics.

I was seven years younger than anybody else in the 1948 Invincibles side. After each day’s play I just sat in the corner, said nothing, and listened to all these experienced guys who had played a lot. That’s how I learned to play the game.

I refuse to believe you were ever quiet.

The qualities of a great batsman? Dedication, footwork, picking the line and length quickly, being able to play back as well as forward.

I’ve always though a good hair do helps as well, thoughts?

I was born and bred in the industrial suburb of Fitzroy in Melbourne – very inner-city, unlike the trendy outlook of today.

I don’t know Neil, I could see you having a few glasses of strawberry Vodka’s at Bimbo Deluxe as Sly & the Family groove away in the back ground.

Most batsmen today are front-foot players. Bradman was a back-foot player.
He was also a prick, should more batsman become pricks?
Baseball was a great asset for my fielding. It is good for the reflexes to field at second base because you are always in the game. A lot of ground balls are hit at you and a lot of them come very quickly and you’ve got to anticipate. And when you get to throw from first base, you need to have an accurate throw.

Also they have cute uniforms.

The reason Shane Warne was so successful was because not many people attacked him.

Stupid me, I thought it was cause he bowled real good.

Lord’s remains my favourite cricket ground.

I can’t believe a northern suburbs boy would pick Lords over the G, no wonder they let you go to NSWales.

The three things that haven’t changed in the game are the length of the pitch, the stumps and the ball. Everything else has changed.

Another thing that hasn’t changed is the amount of old cricketers who say, cricket was better in my day.

(Kerry) Packer did change cricket. It was sad, the Packer affair. I was the chairman of selectors then and never thought it would work and said so in the press. The next thing I know, I get a knock on the front door with a couple of blokes standing there, 9 o’clock in the morning. “Mr Harvey, there’s a writ for you: shut up or else.” I never met Packer in my life, never spoke a word to him.

Didn’t seem to shut you up though.

People blamed me for Bradman not ending with an average of 100, because if he had hit that winning boundary at Leeds instead of me, he would have got that average of 100. I accept the blame.

I don’t blame you, I salute you.

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move over neil, bishen is coming to town

This is for Sime…

For years Neil Harvey was the man.

I’m not talking about as a batsman, although his batting was brilliant. Hence why he made my Best Aussie Eleven.

His batting aside, his true value to my generation is as a “rent a headline” guy.

Like many famous men from the northern suburbs of Melbourne, Eddie McGuire and Myself, he is never short of an opinion and never far away from getting angry at nothing.

He called for Mark Waugh & Shane Warne to be banned from cricket for life over the bookie scandal.

He said Steve & Mark Waugh were a waste of space, and that they were playing for money in 2002.

When Steve Waugh’s side broke the world record of most test victories in a row, he said he could name 3 better Australian teams than them.

And of the modern players compared with the Invincibles he didn’t think Ponting would have made the grade, but he thinks the Invincibles could have slotted Warne in.

Now the Invincibles were a brilliant side, but lets not forget that Sam Loxton, Ian Johnson and Doug Ring all played tests. You’d think Ponting, McGrath or Gilchrist might have slipped in there.

Neil is probably the captain of the “twas better in my day” club.

But now Neil is slowing down, he has hardly attacked Ponting of late (perhaps he’s waiting for some losses) and he is in danger of losing his crown.

In fact the last time I saw Neil speak, he didn’t look angry at all, I was a little disappointed.

Bishen Bedi, spinning god, has decided that his time is now, and he is doing everything in his power to take over from Neil.

We all know his views on the javelin throwing shot putter Murali.

He has now expanded that to include Harbhajan Singh.

Let us not forget his utter disdain for John Buchanan.

The size of cricket grounds for one day games has also come under attack from Bishen.

And my personal favourite was when he said Ian Harvey was as much a spinner as Harbhajan Singh was.

Bishen is still a reasonably young man, and since India are the logical next super power (unless they implode or start a nuclear war with Pakistan) Bishen should be the man to take over the mantle.

He does need to expand his repertoire a little. He gets a little hung up on the spinners, he needs to start bagging fast bowlers, wicket keepers and cricket officials at the same level he bags the spinners.

Being Neil is a tough job, but Bishen gets my stamp of approval.

And if for some reason he thinks he can’t do it, Navjot Sidhu is a more than capable replacement.

If India wants to take over cricket, they must do so in all facets of the game.

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Session update day 5 – Lunch

Lets see session update, ummmm.

Silva looked good again. Boy can play, see the post I am yet to post.

Rick (y) is dragging Brett Lee towards a 5 wicket haul. Its very rare he gets 8 wickets in a match, so it’s obviously working.

The rest was all a bit academic. Lee and Clark bowled ok. Nothing special.

The Vics smoted (smoted is not a word, but I like it and I’m using it) tassie, that was fun.

Neil Harvey was on the cricket show, did his best not to say cricketers were better in my day.

He did say though that of all the modern cricketers he thought they could have used Shane Warne in the Invincibles. Apparently McGrath, Ponting, Hayden and Gilchrist weren’t better than Sam Loxton.

I’m killing time before I post this, cause lunch just finished and Murali is facing.

He played a beautiful backing away on drive for no run.

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my reading list

These are the books i’d like to read between now and the boxing day test.

I batted really well that day, Dean Jones

How a fat man took down those dirty cheating aussies, Arjuna Ranatunga

Things were better in my day, Neil Harvey

I like broad shoulders, blonde hair and Sri Lankans, Tony Greig

Thank Osama for me, Shoaib Malik

Cricket a sport for gentleman and Australians, Robert Mugabe

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