Tag Archives: mushfiqur rahim

India are world champions for eternity: even American Christians love India

The world will end tomorrow, or today, or a few days ago depending on when you read this (that’s a trick line, because you’ll already be dead).

It’s rapture time. Or as these particular weird fucked up group of bible masturbators say, “Blow the trumpet, warn the people!” Which sounds like you are warning people before you fellate them.

The nut in charge has predicted the coming of a second Jesus before, and got it wrong. So he’s due.

And what does this mean?

The Christian Fundamentalist God loves India.

Perhaps because of Sachin, or even Sehwagology. Perhaps God was holding off hoping Americans would stop fighting over birth certificates and creating laugh track TV shows long enough to become the best team in the world, and when he saw that wouldn’t happen, he merely picked the new America, India.

We’ll never know for sure, as we aint going upstairs to get a meeting with the Male Homophobic Christian Fundamentalist God. We’re all dirty sinners here; you’re probably masturbating right now, or applying peanut butter and calling your dog.

While you do that, God has chosen the first time in human history that India are the best side in cricket to end the world. Perhaps Sehwag’s batting really did cause the apocalypse?

After May 21 they may not be. Players retire, get injured, lose form or sleep with the coach’s wife, but right now India are the best, and they’re going out as number one.

Sure, we may be able to play cricket in hell, but you just know they’ll be nothing in the pitches for bowlers. And can cricket really survive with a fourth version of cricket, Dante cricket?

Ofcourse, cricket (and less so the world) ending now is not all good news.

We’ll never Simon Katich knife Michael Clarke after he runs him out.

The Hashim Amla sex tapes will remain unwatched.

Runako Morton will never scream can you dig it at a baying crowd of street thugs in matching outfits in his unofficial role as king of the gangs.

The leader of the UN will never be Kumar Sangakkara, and he’ll never be rich enough to own the rights to the back catalogue of Billy Ocean or Hank Williams.

The cyborg that Martin Crowe created (just because he had a spare Sunday afternoon) to hold his brain will never get a chance to take 5000 test wickets.

It’s a shame because the world would have loved Mushtafiqur Rahim’s novelty dub hit, “I should be so Lucky”.

Salman Butt doesn’t have the chance to find Jesus, become popular on a celebrity dancing show or rebuild his name by getting cancer.

England will never get a chance to see Graeme Swann hosting retro 1950s game shows.

It ends all hopes that Kevin O’Brien did of doing something that people remember him by without stupid hair.

And the UDRS will always remain shit.

What will happen is that India will remain the eternal champions of the world as we all burn in the Christian Fundamentalist Hell.

The real shame is not that we’ll miss the stuff above or that India are number 1 for ever (which isn’t a shame if you’re Indian, although you’ll be in hell, so hard to celebrate too much) it’s that we all know Tony Greig will be down there commenting on all our torture. Blow by blow. Getting the details wrong, calling Sri Lankans little, talking about the broad shoulders of some blonde 19 year old, and generally making hell, hell.

Sehwagology saves.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Rahim’s fingers

There was a moment on the last day when Mushfiqur Rahim kept getting hit on the fingers.

It wasn’t some important moment in the game. Bangladesh had already batted like left handed children using right handed scissors for the first time. The players and reporters were already preparing for their days off. Cleaners were coming into place. Old Trafford’s accountants were working out how much they had lost. And the sky programmers were busy planning back ups.

All of this was put on hold as Ajmal Shahzad kept hitting Rahim’s little fingers.

Shahzad is playing his first test, he has a first class bowling average of 33, without injuries he is about the 8th choice bowler in England’s attack. Yet on this day he regular beat up the hands of Rahim.

Rahim who has the best footwork of any Bangladeshi by so far that if Uday Hussain’s nephew was to start coaching the team and cut Rahim’s feet off, Rahim would still have the best footwork.

It seemed that the only thing delaying England’s win was Rahim walking around in pain or calling for the physio.

England knocked Bangladesh down, held back the one kid who could fight and let their wimpier kids kick the living shit out of them for a couple of hours.

Bangladesh have good days in test cricket, this wasn’t one of them.

Their last 19 wickets went for 213 runs.

But it was Rahim’s fingers that took the biggest beating.

With the game over he could have backed away and slogged like others did after him.

Rahim just kept getting behind the ball, kept taking the ball on his gloves, kept trying not to show the pain and played out 42 balls before he was eventually caught at mid on chipping a ball.

It was Bangladesh. A mediocre innings of much pain that meant nothing and gave even less.

Bangladesh lost in an embarrassing way.

Siddons is closer to going.

Tamim continued the rise.

And Rahim has sore fingers.

Tagged , ,

Mehrab jnr sings to the kiwis

Two tests were being played today.

One between A list celebrities.

And one between Gunther on friends, and Paula Yates.

New Zealand and Bangladesh, or as they are known on BCCi.tv, others, are not going to get the media attention a test match deserves.

Outside of Bangladesh and New Zealand no one really cares.

But cricket with balls is an equal opportunity cricket site, we cover it all, no matter how amazingly insignificant it is.

I like the way Bangladesh play under Jamie Siddons, if he says, lets make it to lunch without taking too many risks, they shut up shop and end up 1/34 off 32 overs.

I didn’t see it, but that must be as painful as a session of cricket can be.

But, there is method in the madness, Bangladesh faced a whole day of bowling from a test nation, and are 4/183 at the close of the play.

The score is not important, the confidence is.

And at 4 for they can still go on and make 300.

By day 3, perhaps.

Thinking Women’s Crumpet Daniel Vettori bowled 28 overs for 2 wickets.

Absolutely No One’s Crumpet Iain O’Brien also took 2 wickets.

New Zealand bowled 94 overs in a day, Australia only bowled 85 overs with an extra half an hour, but I am guessing no one stopped to watch invisible fire works for half an hour in Bangladesh when Mushfiqur Rahim made his 200th test run.

Jesse Badonkadonk Ryder even bowled at one stage, 3 overs, he was on an intervenous drip for hours afterwards, of tequila.

Young singer Mehrab Hossain jnr top scored with 79 not out, and he is still joined by Mushfiqur Rahim on 59 not out.

If one of them can go on and get a hundred it would be great for them, and it would set up a good test match

Or they could both be out in the first over and Bangladesh could make 184.

And New Zealand win in a canter.
Return to frontpage

Tagged , , ,