Tag Archives: misbah ul haq

cricket news hurl: Misbah does Halloween

It is roughly 1000 hours until Jesse Ryder comes back from his ban. You probably didn’t know how many hours it was, but you felt him getting closer to your life. Jesse Ryder is like baby mugging; only good can come from him.

A win for Zimbabwe in a Test is the same. It’s pure goodness. When factoring in the troublesome government, the laughable administration and the fact that the players were boycotting training only a few weeks ago, this is the sort of sporting miracle that Americans would make into a Movie of the Week. There are lots of heroes from the game. Masakadza’s knock in the first innings, Brian Vittori’s five-wicket haul, Richmond Mutumbami’s runs at nine, and Tendai Larry Chatara’s second-innings haul.

But the reason Zimbabwe won is all over Twitter, it was Misbah-ul-Haq’s fault. According to @AmberHMK “Dear #Misbah, Go home. Please. We are not consistent. Its not us. Your fifties don’t make us win. Sincerely, #PakistanCricketFan.”

@AmberHMK wasn’t the only one. @mfaysaljamal said, “Only person is responsible and that is skipper misbah PCB must change test captain asap.” That makes it official, it is #misbahsfault. He was one of two batsmen who made over 30. One of two batsmen to average over 50 in the series. One of three current Pakistan batsmen to average over 40 in Test cricket. And the only batsman to not go out in this chase. It is obviously his fault. Had he batted for his team-mates, they probably would have won the series instead of ending with a 1-1 draw.

England have survived #trottsfault and their own weather to tie up the ODI series one-all. They have been helped by Ravi Bopara, who has averaged four with the bat and taken three wickets.

But more importantly he was on the BBC quiz show Pointless. On the show, Ravi only had to answer two questions. He got both wrong. In one he incorrectly assumed that Margaret Thatcher was the first female speaker of the house, while overlooking easier Ronald Reagan and Harrison Ford answers. In his second question, all Ravi had to do was name one Brad Pitt film since 2000.

Ravi said, “Brad Pitt does Halloween.”

Getting a political question wrong is one thing. But not being able to name a Brad Pitt film? He answered it like he’d been asked to make a cronut live on air.

Ravi also said he was a World Cup winner. I thought he was a World Twenty20 winner.

Within a year of taking over the job Graham Ford had taken Sri Lanka to the final of the World Twenty20. Now he is not renewing his contract. I got John the intern to look this up for me. When Sri Lanka hire their new coach, they will have had hired their 37th coach in the last five years. Charlie Austin, Arthur C Clarke and noted fashion photographer Mr Nigel Barker have all coached Sri Lanka in that time. Haroon Lorgat even had the job for a while.

Now Haroon Lorgat has a new job, CEO of Cricket South Africa, an appointment that seems to have no impact at all. On anything.

On a non-related note, India may not be touring South Africa after already downgrading their tour. Instead India will play Pakistan and Sri Lanka in some ODIs. People are claiming that Lorgat’s hiring, and how certain BCCI officials hate him, has had something to do with the talk of these ODIs taking over the South African tour. But the truth is, and you know it’s true, Sri Lanka are always playing India. Even right now, as Haroon Lorgat perpetually apologises.

A father of a cricketer was doing more than apologising this week. When a favourable piece was written by ESPNcricinfo’s professional Yorkshire parody, David Hopps, on Nick Compton, some commenters disagreed. Richard Compton disagreed with the disagreers. He also commented, having registered with his Facebook account: “Sorry my friend he played on to dernbach. As for temperament, perhaps you need to know a few things about him before you smart off. Look at the stats my mate.” Internet cricket trolls beware, there is a new sheriff in town, and he won’t take any guff about his son.

The New York police are also cleaning up their town, and they are putting together a secret dossier on where to watch cricket in New York, according to Gawker. The aim of this is apparently to flush out possible cricket extremists, and probably lock up some offspinners with dodgy actions. Now that it has been leaked, what it actually does is give cricket fans an amazing amount of information about cricket in New York. Singh Sporting Goods on 101st Avenue is a Guyanese store you can buy cricket gear from. Aladdin Sweets and Restaurant is owned by Bangladeshis and has a big-screen TV that shows the cricket. With this information and the fact that the New York cops already run their own T20 league, you could argue that they are doing more for cricket than the USACA.

The Champions League is marginally more popular than the NYPD Twenty20 Cricket Cup. If the IPL is Cary Grant, then the Champions League is Harry Dean Stanton after 12 hours in a vat of acid. But if you’re a domestic cricketer, you still want to be there. So when the visas for the Faisalabad Wolves didn’t turn up, people were worried that the Pakistan players would miss out on the tournament. I was also worried, as I was afraid my Faisalabad Wolves t-shirt would have to be shelved for the year. The visas have now turned up, and I’m wearing my t-shirt.

Unfortunately, the WACA has been shelved. Australian cricket’s unkempt child who refuses to wear new clothes has missed out on a Test for the first summer since 1976. With the World Cup being played in Australia for the 2014-15 summer, there are only four Tests scheduled against India. Some are saying that the WACA is missing out because India didn’t want to play at the WACA after what happened last time. I assume they don’t mean when writer Ashish Shukla had a weird substance leak on him in the WACA’s gym/press conference hovel. Although perhaps the fact that the facilities and crowd capacity aren’t as good as at the other four Test grounds played more of a part than a pitch that India have won 50% of their last two Tests at.

A ground that is doing better than the WACA is the Minamisoma Baseball Park. Last Saturday it hosted a cricket game between the British Embassy and a Tohoku team formed of local players. Minamisoma is in Fukushima, and the game was to show that the radiation was not that bad there now, since the earthquakes that affected the Daiichi nuclear plant. Tim Hitchens, the British ambassador to Japan, said, “The place where we have played today is perfectly safe.” The radiation level was similar to that in places in England, the pitch played better than The Oval when Ollie Rayner took 15 wickets. The British embassy lost by 34 runs.

Like a giant Toho fire-breathing hero, Clint McKay took a ODI hat-trick against England. It was a proper hat-trick, as it had three top-order batsmen batting properly. Clint McKay has continued the tradition of Victoria and hat-tricks. The first international hat-trick was taken at the MCG. So was the second. Hugh Trumble took two. Lindsay Kline one. Then, in recent years, Merv Hughes, Shane Warne, Damien Fleming and Peter Siddle have taken them. When a Victorian takes a hat-trick, which seems to be about once a week, it should be referred to as a Vic trick.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s Cricket News Hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com. Any errors in this piece were added by Misbah-ul-Haq.

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Misbah Ul Haq: The ancient Astronaut

Geoff Lawson wrote a letter to Dav Whatmore about coaching Pakistan, and so should we all.  Here is mine. 

Yo Dav,

Misbah Ul Haq isn’t one of us.

It’s quite obvious really.

If you know anything about paleocontact or ancient astronauts you’ll have seen the signs long ago.

Misbah brings the truth:

While other Pakistani cricketers pretend they are actually embryos who have been locked in their mothers womb but only come out for a match day, Misbah doesn’t.  When asked about why he was so old and yet making a come back he said it was because he was his actual age.  His actual age, can any Pakistani cricketer give us more truth than that?

Misbah brings the calm:

The single greatest thing about the Pakistan Cricket team is their flair for craziness.  If the entire cricket world was made up of hard working New Zealand players we’d all be watching UFC.  The only reason Wrestling is so big in America is because they believe they have to artificially bring in the drama, whereas cricket fans know if you want drama, comedy or even dramedy, you just call Pakistan.

Misbah brings money:

Who invented T20 cricket? Who gives a shit.  Without Misbah playing that weird scoop when he had India by the balls, everyone in cricket would be eating left over Maccas and stealing VCRs from their mums house. No man has changed modern cricket more than Misbah.  Even if it might have been a bit for the shit.

Misbah brings his eyes:

He may not be the first calm and measured Pakistani, Imran, Inzi and Moyo all flirted with this at times.  But they still had Pakistani eyes.  And Pakistani eyes (which are nothing like Pathan noses I’m told) can’t help but betray all calmness. With Misbah his eyes are lifeless, they’re more like LED bike lights than anything resembling human.

Yet even with the calm truthful eyes of Misbah, people want to get rid of him.

No doubt to bring in some over excitable puppy dog captain, or someone else who’ll do it for a week before leaving to cobble shoes in Italy.  Misbah wins the Test series against the number one side in the world, loses a few ODIs no one could remember while they were watching them and people start to question his leadership.  Some don’t even question, they just want him out.

That would be a mistake, Dav.  Misbah is the man you want, because he isn’t even a man.  He’s an alien.  A bloody good one too.

Misbah is an alien who was sent here to guide Pakistan cricket to a better time.

It’s probably quite obvious to you, mostly because I doubt if Misbah ever felt truly human to anyone.

Pakistan have tried several humans of recent times, and none of them have been any good.  Salman is off churning ice cream in prison.  Younis wouldn’t deal with anything less than a personal dictatorship.  Shahid didn’t have enough time to wash his hair during a Test. And Mohammad looked a little confused.

I know Pakistan being lead by a man like Misbah is similar to Shahid Afridi wearing a Sarah Lund sweater, but it works.

Dav, Misbah changed the world, made Pakistan win and is old enough to remember Kirk Cameron not being a fundamentalist fuckwit.

Misbah may not be from our planet, but ask yourself this, does Pakistan Cricket need a Pakistani to lead them, or could they do better with an ancient astronaut?

Peace out,


Team Misbah

Fund my film you bastards.

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Jade’s triple bluff

The ball was the perfect length to be sent into orbit.

If a batsman were to place the ball roughly in a spot where a lucky slog to the leg side would win him the game, he would have picked that exact location.

All Misbah-ul-Haq had to do was keep his shape (the commentators love that one now), clear his front leg, use fast hand speed and time the ball for Pakistan to win the match, and series.

Instead Misbah lost his shape, took his eye off the ball and seemed to be playing a different ball to the one that was delivered to him.

It means Misbah is a loser, and Jade Dernbach is a winner.

It takes amazing courage to bowl a back-of-the-hand slower ball for the last ball of the match when a six is required to win. Especially when earlier in the over you’ve bowled one that made you look like that guy in the nets who only bowls one ball before heading to fielding practice. Dernbach could have bowled a wide, a head high full toss or a long hop, all of which meant he may not have slid across the ground in 1980s dance movie style seconds later.

Dernbach had to know that Misbah would assume he’d try a slower ball. If you asked people what they knew about Dernbach for a Family Feud style show, the only response would be a slower ball, and the question would be edited out of the show.

With that in mind, then, Misbah would know that Dernbach would know that Misbah would be expecting the slower ball. So it’s actually possible that Misbah was anticipating the quicker ball.

The quicker ball does make sense. I doubt there were many English fans out there screaming, “come on, Jade, bowl the freakin’ slower ball on a good length now”. No, when people scream at the end of these matches they want yorkers, especially when a six is needed.

Still, Dernbach held strong, and double, or triple, bluffed Misbah, who could’ve only fallen over to make the dismissal look more complete.

The winner always looks better in this situation, but had Misbah not lost his shape and swung blindly, people would be saying that Dernbach was an idiot for bowling the exact same ball that now makes him the hero.

It’s a fine line between hero and that guy you abuse when you see him at the airport.

Not for Misbah though. Even if he hit a six off the last ball, people would abuse him for his slow strike-rate ensuring that he had to hit a six off the last ball to win.

Oh, that Misbah.

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Pakistani honesty

Whwn I watched any of the Pakistani games from the world t20 on TV I was amazed at how many times the commentators said Aamir is only 17.

Give me a break.

He may be 17 on the ICC forms, but if he is under 20 he is doing well.

Some news places were talking about how he wasn’t born when Pakistan won their last world cup, my ass he wasn’t.

Barring Misbah Cricket, all Pakistanis lie about their age.

If Shahid Afridi is really only 29 I will eat my fathers left nut.

And with all that in mind, here is an excerpt from an excerpt of Younis Khan’s candid interview from Well Pitched.

When reminded he was only 31 (twice during the interview)

Younis laughed and said that 31 was only his official age on paper. He admitted he was only a year younger than Misbah (35) and that he was born in 1975.

Perhaps now the commentators and Journalists, who know this crap goes on, can stop talking about Pakistani teenagers once and for all.

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royal old dudes sack their non main man

Bangalore were the obvious team to fall apart in the IPL.

They spent too much one on players who are not 2020 players, and then played their non performing players ahead of the only two 2020 players they have.

Their captain, and main selector, is a dinosaur.

I love Rahul Dravid.

Back in his day the boy could bat the house down.

The IPL is long removed from his day.

Now he is a plodder. Not even a probot, he is just a middle order test batsman who refuses to play shots or go out.

But as a one day batsman, or as a 2020 batsman, he is a non event.

As a 2020 captain, he is a disaster.

The team has no vision, no attacking instincts, and are only called a “team” because they all wear the same uniform.

But all this is the fault of whoever picked Dravid as iCON, I’m assuming Vijay Mallya, the owner.

What is Dravid’s fault is the squad selection , Kallis, Jaffer, Kumble, and Chandrepaul.

He picked a squad who could never play against proper 2020 teams.

So that is why Dravid should have been fired before the CEO.

Or dropped.

Cameron White is in the squad, he is the captain of the best 2020 domestic team in the world.

He is also a far better 2020 batsman than Dravid.

The next major mistake was whoever kept Misbah Ul Haq out of the team.

Misbah came into the side late, but the team was already horrible, he had to be the first player picked.

Instead he was kept on the bench for 2 games.

Who made that mistake?

So to recap.

Vijay Mallya, should sell the team for fu©king up in the first place, he should sell it to a Russian mafia billionaire.

Rahul Dravid should step down for not being up to it as captain or batsman, and should retire gracefully, before people remember him as the nervous looking dude who can’t score for hours .

And whoever left Misbah out of the team should be fired, and possibly spanked.

So like all professional sports teams they fired the CEO, who I assume had little to do with any of these mistakes.

Coach, next, manager after that.

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Pakistani beef market

Somehow cricket in Pakistan has continued even without Shoaib Ahktar.

Their other Shoaib, the logical, sane and less talented one, is still their captain.

But a week is a long time in Cricket.

In Pakistani cricket a week is several life times.

Since Shoaib Malik’s showing at the 2020 world whatever it was, his team has struggled.

A look at the current line up against Bangladesh gives you an idea why.

Salman Butt averages about 30 in both forms of the game, and so far has done nothing other than have a cool name.

Nasir Jamshed is not somewhere you keep jars, but is actually a young cricketer who is yet to confirm his place in the side, and yet to make a big splash in general.

Younis Khan is the Pakistani version of Elvis, except that he isn’t as sexy, cool, or talented (ummm) as him.

Mohammad Yousuf is a top class international player, probably the only one in the side, he is also a scientologist.

Shoaib Malik is the youngest looking 26 year old Pakistan has ever had. He may actually be the age he claims to be. Will be a very handy cricketer, but right now is just a cricketer.

Misbah Ul Haq has the same surname as Inzy and a lovely cricket backside. He can bat, but probably won’t be around for long.

Shahid Afridi is Shaihid Afridi.

Kamran Akmal is a male model, who dabbles in wicketkeeping. Used to be a sh1t hot batsmen. Now is not.

Umar Gul is a player who is destined to be called Sea. The boy can bowl, but is never going to be an out and out match winner.

Sohail Tanvir is a quick who can also bowl spin. So far I am yet to see him bowl either particularly well, but could be a handy one day option.

Iftikhar Anjum is Rao Iftikhar, true story.

Not a lot of high priced cattle for Malik to play with there.

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the flat pitch & murali and kumar take white england

The India v Pakistan innings almost got exciting, even after India made a billion runs on a deck flatter than a sh1t carters hat. Then they got Pakistan 5 for 150 odd and they must have been more excited than a 15 year old with his first play boy.

Then one of the less attractive men in world cricket, and a guy with a great name who likes to hop, put on a 200 run partnership and suddenly the flickers of the game were reignited, even if it was for just a moment.

Proof this pitch is a road, Akmal was batting so bad, some Pakistani supporters wanted him put down, and he still made a ton. And Ganguly made runs.

Need I say more?

Hell even Shoaib bowled 15 overs yesterday, quite an effort, he may be in hospital for the next 2 months though.

Over the border/water Sri Lanka were derailed by England on the first day, and with the poms 3/170 chasing 180 odd, the game was over.

Then Murali woke up, and now England has a game to play. 6/185 and with the prospect of facing the chuckaroo in the last innings. Good luck lads.

England really needs to win this series if they are to prove that they are the number two team in the world. ICC rankings look pretty on a wall, but they don’t do much for you out on the field.

Sri Lanka only have two players who can really damage you, I mean really damage you, but when its Kumar and Murali its still bloody dangerous.

With Warne and McGrath gone, Kumar and Murali are the best one two combination in world cricket. Even better than Andre Nel and Satan.

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more potatos

Some of you may think I owe Ganguly an apology.

It’s more likely that I retire from writing cricket blogs and take up a job as chief motivator and ego stroker for the South Africans.

48 and two wickets, that isn’t apology worthy.

Misbah must be unlucky to have missed out on man of the man match in what was a very low scoring game.

Kumble got it with 7 wickets, which is a good effort, but Mibah held up the Pakistani line up on his own.

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the potato series

Hey there is a test going on in India.

And it looks like a good one.

Even better than that it looks like Pakistan could win it, which will really throw the undies onto the stage.

Misbah Ul Haq decided to throw a way a good but very slow innings with a hop.

Kumble is holding India up, so nothing new there.

Very very special is warming up for his tour of Australia, and is already carrying the noodle nut who bats ahead of him.

Dhoni looks good, even with the new hair.

If India lose I’m blaming the muppets for selecting Ganguly rather than Yuvraj, even if Ganguly makes a second innings ton.

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