Tag Archives: michael vaughan

Jonathan Trott eats biltong and won’t touch marmite, sack him

In his new book, i don’t know what it is called, Michael Vaughan writes about how Jonathan Trott celebrated with the South African team after they beat the English.

Actually he says that he saw Trott pat South African players on the back.

Up until ’97 that was a hanging offence in England.

You would think with a top order made from mostly South Africans this sort of stuff wouldn’t have drifted away.

Vaughan goes on to say,

“I suppose you might wish Trott was a bit more English, but after such a brilliant debut it appeared we had found another high-quality batsman.”

The question vaughan doesn’t seem to ask is that if Trott was more English would have had looked so good on debut.

For all Vaughan knows Trott could have been just slapping some ex team mates on the back for their deserved win.

Would people question Ravi Bopara’s Englishness if after India won a match he patted some guys he knew from the IPL on the back.

Trott isn’t about to transfer back to South Africa.

He might not be fighting for his country, but like Nash, Elliott and others, he looks like he will fight like hell to stay in International cricket. There are blokes who are born in England who don’t seem to fight that hard, maybe they are commies?

Even the daily telegraph are not so sure about Trott, look at their Freudian slip when typing out Trott’s rebuttal.

“My commitment to England is 10o per cent. I’ve spent seven years working hard to be able to wear the Three Lions and in that time my allegiance has never wavered.”

Perhaps Douggie Bollinger can help Trott with his “Teno” percent commitment.

What Trott should be doing is going around and slagging off all the South African boys like KP did, that is how you show your true Britishness.

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Michael Vaughan to retire

Well he hasn’t yet.

But he is going to, Scyld Berry said so.

I think this is for the best.

Once upon a time he was a top batsman.

His cover drive was pure as hell.

He scored at will.

When captaining he was composed and seemed to know what he was doing.

But he should have retired last year.

His knees were shot, his eyes were gone, his feet were slow, and his confidence had left him some time earlier.

Pride does strange thing to men, some keep their hairstyle for decades, others assume that time cannot weary them.

Michael Vaughan had become a 3 year old’s impression of what he used to be.

He was never one of my favourites, but it is sad to watch a player of class turn into a first class battler.

Well played Michael, you finally hit the straight one.

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Michael Vaughan cannot win the Ashes

As it appears he is not good enough to warrant a place in England’s pre-ashes training squad of 16.

How is this so?

Do they not know that he is the winner of the 2005 Ashes?

Heretics.

Australia must be favourites now.

Look at the losers and malcontents they have picked before him.

Andrew Strauss (captain) James Anderson Ian Bell Ravinder Bopara Tim Bresnan  Stuart Broad Paul Collingwood Alastair Cook Andrew Flintoff Graham Onions  Monty Panesar Kevin Pietersen Matt Prior Adil Rashid Ryan Sidebottom Graeme Swann

Ian Bell; that weird little boy who doesn’t make runs.

Ravinder Bopara; a rough Essex lad who didn’t go to a public school.

Tim Bresnan; the portly all rounder who can’t tuck his shirt in.

Graeme Swann; a singer in a terrible pub band.

Ryan Sidebottom; a guy who looks like he should be a drummer in a terrible cover band.

Dreadful.

The England should be ashamed of themselves for not picking a man as wonderfully British as Michael Vaughan.

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Jeets does Yorkshire

How tough is County Cricket?

Jeetan Patel made 120 against Yorkshire the other day.

He faced 155 balls batting at number 10 in a partnership of 233.

In the same game Michael Vaughan made 16 of 51 balls.

Does this make Jeets 7.5 times better than Michael Vaughan.

No.

But it is funny.

Although perhaps not to Michael Vaughan.

Jeets has played 72 first clas innings for Wellington.

His top score for them is 58*.

He has played one for Warwickshire, 120.

His average for Wellington is 18.

For Warwickshire is 120.

It doesn’t mean anything.

But I can’t stop smiling as I type.

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the conversation

AF: Belly and the Bottom are back.

AS: What do you mean, back?

In the squad.

Fuck no.

I promise.

Don’t you have a say?

Apparently not as much as we had hoped?

Did you show Geoff the photo of him, the peanut butter and the Clydesdale?

Yep, still a no go.

They cannot be allowed to come in and sully this new set up, this must be remedied.

How?

We must kill them both.

Whoa, seems a bit over the top, doesn’t it.

OK fine, lets set fire to Bell’s house, and I don’t know, um, slice off one of the Bottom’s nut sack while he sleeps.

Now that is a plan.

No that wont work, you’re too honest, and I would never get my hands dirty.

Freddie isn’t doing anything, and he told me he would do anything to get back into the side.

Clever little man, that is why you’re the coach, and I’m the captain.

Now, what do we do about Vaughan?

Who?

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Ravi the third?

I saw Rav the Chavs hundred.

It showed many things that the other English aspiring number 3s don’t have.

There were no physical deformities like Owais Shah.

No complete throwing away of a solid platform Ian Bell style.

He missed no straight ones like the artist Michael Vaughan.

And he was actually playing test cricket unlike Robert Key.

In the short term, that should be enough, he will play one more test against the Windies, and has at least two guaranteed against the Aussies unless he has some sort of breakdown.

But is he a test number 3?

There aren’t many around, New Zealand are trying their junk yard dog Flynn, Amla looks the part at times, Sarwan seems to be made to bat at 3 but can’t always be assed to do so and Younis Khan did ok for South Australia.

The three blue chip players are Ricky, King Kumar, and Rahul.

They all have things in common like aura, ego, tight techniques and freakish batting skills and fierce determination.

Rahul Dravid will block for hours at a time just to protect his wicket.

Kumar has a real hatred of going out, up there with Glenn McGrath’s.

And Ponting just hates to lose.

It is too early for Ravi to put a stamp on the position like these men, and while he might not be in their league on pure batting skill, on determination to succeed he must be almost on a par and he doesn’t suffer from a low ego.

At this stage he looks like the most likely candidate, doesn’t mean he’ll succeed.

If he does fail. wont be for lack of trying.

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Ravi kills Vaughan

It was a quick death, a honourable death. The kind of death that real life can never actually deliver.

Ravi just slipped up behind him, delicately massaged his shoulders, whispered honey toned sentiment into his ear and then took a sharp knife to  the old man’s throat.

Simple, elegant, poetic and timely.

As Vaughan’s lifeless corpse hit the padding Ravi had thoughtfully provided earlier, Ravi said:

“One less angel on earth baby, laterz”.

It was the only way to go for Vaughan. Had Ravi given him the knife, Vaughan would never have been able to kill himself tcleanly.

The death would have turned into a turgidly long sordid affair with many wounds, Ravi knew Michael deserved better.

There will be some Vaughanites who will feel a tremendous amount of melancholy drown them, they should swim to the surface, he had his time, and for that time (when he was not injured) he waved his bat with the best of them.

When he listens to ‘glory days’ he will remember the time when he could smack that cover drive by them, make ’em look like a fool boy. Now it is his turn to be the guy in the roadside bar tellin’ yarns, and writing articles.

Old men cannot live forever, not even wafty haired gods like Michael.

Test cricket is a dominatrix, and the pain catches up to everyone.

Michael had grown beyond test cricket, and Ravi knew this, and knifed him. A traditional London death.

Run free in heaven Michael, play cover drives, never miss the straight one, and talk about yourself in the third person until you fall asleep every night.

You deserve it.

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Why Ashley Noffke doesn’t play for Australia more

No it isn’t just the fact that Stuart Clark turned out to be a better McGrathlite.

It is this: MP Vaughan c wicketkeeperDavies b Noffke 5

Talk about sabotaging one of Australia’s main plans in this years ashes.

How will we get Vaughan into the side now.


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Phil does Lords

Today Michael Vaughan went out to Steve Harmison.

It was a confusing day for England.

Not for Australia.

Phillip Hughes played his first game for Middlesex, and the most predictable thing happened.

A hundred.

The boy seems to ooze runs from every available orifice.

Before today no one knew if Phil could play in English conditions.

He could have been a little Michael Clarke or Douggie Waltersesque.

That looks less likely now.

There is a sense of eager overachiever about Phil, I can see him pissing off a great deal of people, sort of like the a young know it all kid who is good at computers and has way too much confidence for his general appearance.

I think I like him though, he seems to make alot of runs, but does it so ugly.

A sportsman needs a weakness for me to like them.

I know I’m sick.

If Phil had a perfect technique, I’d probably hate him.

But for now I like him, even if he is a tad predictable.

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Vaughan does a Martina

http://c.brightcove.com/services/viewer/federated_f8/1348426473

What would you pay for Vaughan’s art, 50p?

I would however like a pain splattered bat.

That would be cool.

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