Tag Archives: michael slater

Inside the AB Medal 2010

The Omitted went to the AB Medal:

A few things struck me as I arrived outside the crown casino’s red carpet entrance to cricket’s night of nights.

Firstly, This is the poor man’s version of the brownlow.

It has a little bit of prestige, but no one actually cares who wins (especially if its Shane Watson). No one calls ricky ponting the 4 time Allan Border Medalist. Mostly they call him a runmachine,  stylish,  or cunt-head. A very small proportion of the Cricket loving public would even know this event is on. When it’s Brownlow week the whole of Melbourne loses its shit. The Herald Sun is 3 times thicker, Eddie McGuire publicly Masturbates and the bookmakers’ phones run off the hook with more business than a condom vending machine in the toilets at the highschool ball.

Secondly, There is nowhere near as many hot birds as there is at the Brownlow. Sure Bingle, Furlong and Bracken are spank bank material, but there definitely was not the hoards of blokes walking around with a fat like i imagine to be the case on brownlow night.  Hayley Bracken’s choice of attire has definitely got all the online bitches changing their social-networking status en masse.  I can’t see what all the fuss is about. Clearly when you pay that much for a set of cans you wish for people to see them. And I did. Multiple times.

Despite the night reeking of wank, there were a few special highlights for those lucky enough to witness in the flesh (Other than the afore mentioned titty flash). It was disappointing not to see Darren Lehmann inappropriately comment on how smoking hot the Federal Minister for Sport is for a second year running. I guess the fact he had consumed about 30 less crownies when they let him up on stage this time around had something to do with it. Although he did manage to give her an honourable mention with a wry smile on his face.

Brendan Julian got through a whole night as co-host without tripping up on himself or the English language. A great feat for the big man, as those who watch Fox Sports coverage of the Australian domestic cricket will know. Well done BJ.

Standing next to a very intoxicated Michael Slater in the urinal at the after party as he pissed with his head leaning against the wall was special for me, but the number one highlight would have to be seeing Shane Watson Cry… again! Well it would have been had i not been locked outside trying to fight for a spot in the dunny with the crowds aiming to make it back to their seats before the 3 minute commercial break window was up. So I missed the big fairy crying, but it also meant I didn’t have to witness him actually winning the award. I couldn’t even hear his whinging girly voice thanking the medical staff for finally getting his glass-boned body through a full season. Shattered. I looked around all night for Tom Williams but he was nowhere in sight. It would have made my night to see big Tom dancing with Lee Furlong til late in the night. I only hope a few people understand what I’m talking about…

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Michael Slater digs ironic comedy

I once stated that Michael Slater might read this site.

Hopefully he does, because the dude needs a slap for his latest media comments.

What is he talking about you may say, what could get Jrod slapping Slater? Ponting’s captaincy, Andrew McDonald’s selection, Mike Hussey’s golden run, or practically any praise for Andrew Hilditch.

No, Slater has weighed in with some WAG words, saying that WAGs shouldn’t be allowed on tour for the first two test matches of the Ashes.

I know.

The man who once had to publicly state he did not father another player’s child is talking about WAGs.

You have got to be shitting me.

If I was Slater I would never mention the phrase ‘player’ or ‘wife’ again.

That is one thing to admire about Slater, the complete lack of thinking before speaking.

What Adam Gilchrist makes of all this is in poor taste.

But they wouldn’t be called poor taste Michael Slater jokes if it wasn’t.

WAGs are one of the most controversial topics in sport, but this could be easily remedied.

All sportsmen should be gelded.

Imagine how good Shoiab would be with out a penis?

It would also help with wind resistance.

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Ashes fact 69

Michael Slater broke a record on the 1993 plane trip to England.

It wasn’t for drinking, but for self gratifying oneseslf by use of thy hand.

Obviously due to privacy concerns we can’t give the total amount, but let us say he didn’t have his normal problem in the 90s.

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Michael Slater, a fan of the balls?

He’s got an usual style Simon Katich. He’s a, His nicknames… Well as a batsman could be crab if you like. Given he has a crab like move across is stumps.

That was Michael Slater on Channel 9’s coverage of the cricket.

It went live to air, and literally dozens of people heard it.

Now I am not saying I invented the phrase, but a quick look on googlse suggest i may have been the first to popularise it.

Now, with that in mind, and the fact Slater went to say “His nickname is the crab”, i put it to you dear jury was he infact just regurgitating cricket with balls.

Is Michael Slater a fan of cricket with balls?

Stranger things have happened.

Do he and Bill sit at the back of the commentary box sniggling at sex posts about MS Dhoni?

Why not.

Is this time for me to stop with the poor taste Michael Slater Jokes.

Ofcourse not.

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Where is our Dick Cheney?

I can’t honestly believe that the second best leader in Australian cricket is Michael Clarke.

It does not compute.

Michael Clarke was dropped not that long ago.

He is a narcissist.

One of his idols is Michael Slater.

He is marrying a woman who sleeps with married footballers.

He is marrying a woman who slept with a Carlton footballer.

He does not make runs when early wickets fall.

He has a weird tattoo on his arm, that means, number 96 your kung pow chicken is ready.

One of his idols is Michael Slater.

He is from NSWales.

He does his hair before disembarking a plane.

One of his idols is Michael Slater.

None of these things say leadership material to me.

Plus he is too like Ricky.

Ricky I can stand.

He owns greyhounds.

He is very working class.

He is Tasmanian.

He gets in pub brawls.

He makes runs whilst wickets are falling.

Unfortunately Clarke has none of these cool attributes, but instead is smug like Ricky, cheeky like Ricky, and bends the rules like Ricky.

Plus his idol is Michael Slater.

I’m not even letting he fact that he looked impressive as a captain in the two 2020 games sway me.

I have written him off.

If, let me repeat, If, he becomes a steady test batsmen who bats well under pressure and not just when we re already on top, I will reevaluate my position.

I am sure it is comforting to Michael that I have this kind of flexibility in me.

The two best state captains are Cameron White and Marcus North, neither of which are anywhere near test duty.

And by picking Clarke the selectors are saying, picking a test captain is hard, but we think this dude will be around for a while, so what the fu©k, plus he is from NSWales.

Good news is, as Australian Vice Captain, one drunken bender, or one time of getting caught in a wife swap with Michael Slater and you’re back to normal duties.

No offence Pup, but I think you’re just silly enough to do something and lose the job.

I’d like to think I’m that silly too.

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Sportsfreak joins the chorus

Sportsfreak agree with me, so I posted this.

Lost amongst the allegations of racial abuse, taunts, and bowlers pontificating towards the dressing rooms, one of the most disappointing aspects of the recent Indian tour of Australia has been the steep and very obvious decline of the Channel Nine commentary team.

Once the pinnacle of cricket broadcasting (and some may say broadcasting in any sport), this outfit has become more embarrassing by the year. And during the 2007/8 series, they finally reached their collective nadir.

It is a sad sight when any public figure loses the plot. However, when an entire commentary team simultaneously submerges itself in a sea of drivel, questions need to be asked.

Tony Greig, the South African/English/Australian consistently recognised as one of cricket’s biggest ever mercenaries, is many years past his best before date (if indeed he ever had one). His place in the commentary box came compliments of a thank you from the late Kerry Packer for all his work during the World Series Cricket years. Now that Kerry has departed this mortal coil, it is time that Greig’s commentary career suffered a similar fate.

His condescending attitude has steadily worsened over the years, which is no mean feat – this is from the man who used to describe Gundappa Viswanath as “Little Vishy”, as if he was a five year old referring to his pet goldfish.

As far as Bill Lawry goes, his commentaries have declined into a state of borderline senility. His bizarre ranting during the 20/20 game at the MCG was the effort of an elderly man, who, in a state of dementia, had reverted back to his preschool years. It was a thorough embarrassment watching a grown man whooping it up like he had just won lotto.

A couple of years ago, Mark Nicholas was a very good front man. He had the ability to temper some of the jingoistic Australian twaddle with a level-headed approach that lent the Channel Nine team some credibility. But, as the crew at Cricket with Art rightly point out, he appears to have fallen victim to Stockholm Syndrome, and any sense of balance has been beaten out of him by his captors.

The new breed of Taylor, Healy and Slater have now been on board for a few seasons. Taylor and Healy are very ordinary at best, seemingly there as a result of their efforts to be so pro-Australian that the others pale in comparison. Slater looked to have plenty of potential a couple of years ago, but has not progressed thanks to the team of donkeys around him. All too often he is heard sniggering like a primary school girl at the back of the box as a result of some in-joke between he and Taylor that nobody else is allowed in on. Must have had some rude words in them. When Gilly arrives, he is surely gone.

Ian Chappell is, was and always has been a commentary enigma. He, of all the Channel Nine crew, is the most likely to provide the best technical analysis – he is also capable of pointing out something so thought provoking that it will stop the viewer in their tracks. However, this is tempered by snide remarks usually directed at anybody playing Australia. The smarmy delivery does not make for easy listening, and at times over the last few seasons it almost appears as though he is getting bored with it all. The ignoring of Tendulkar is just plain sour grapes.

And of course last, but not least, there is Richie.

Long regarded as the doyen of TV cricket commentators, the once great Richie Benaud has gone on two seasons too long. His time on the microphone has been drastically reduced, yet when he DOES appear, he is reduced to corny one liners in a “really guys, I am very funny” method. If further proof was needed, his display in the Symonds vs Streaker episode was particularly unamusing.

Mind you, everyone else in the commentary box thought Richie was hilaaaaaarious. Course they did. He is, after all, their Godfather.

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google $ex with evil dragons

I had a discussion with a very intelligent cricket fan the other day, and she, (yes she you misogynist pig), is a really good sheila, the sort of chick you could have a bevy with whilst pretending to look into her eyes.

We were talking about google, and the sort of things people type into the search engine to find my site.

You see I like talking about myself, because it’s the only thing I’m almost an expert on.

I was telling this lass about the amount of times that women, (I’m assuming), type in things like

“aiden blizzard” + girlfriend (fair enough, according to some he’s dreamy)
david hussey girlfriend cricket (interesting choice)
adam voges girlfriend (big helmets are all the rage this year)
cameron white cricket girlfriend (the vics are popular)
mitchell johnson girlfriend cricket (labret piercing are hot)

It’s quite disturbing.

I think the looking falls into two categories.

Girls looking for trophy boyfriends.

Or girls trying to work out if the dude is single since she is shagging him, or on the verge of shagging.

There isn’t a young Australian domestic cricketer who hasn’t been googled with the word girlfriend next to his name.

Is this how the gold diggers work now, they google their potential sap.

These poor boys won’t know how to stop the buxom fake blonde from knowing everything about them and manufacturing their accidental meeting.

You have to feel sorry for the lads, as we all know cricketers hate peroxide and fake boobies.

I think we should stand up for the lads and put a stop to it nowt, if you ladies want a trophy man, either shag me or move on, I aint a fu©ken dating site for the young and the vacuous.

Glad that is cleared up, but people write lots of weird sh1t to get to this site.

Here are some of my favourites.

michael slater slept with adam gilchrist’s wife (oops)
shane watson nude (his new career)
“matthew hayden” christian hypocrite (suave is that you)
paper into * cleavage” (no idea)
afridi underwear lines (hmmm)
are indian balls big (are they)
couple having $ex in grand stand at the cricket (my dream)
cricketer underwear (see below)
cricketer’s underwear (see below)
cricketers caught naked (see below)
cricketers on underwear (do they snort it)
don bradman pissed his pants in cricket (my personal fav)
does trevor like his balls (who knows)
fu©kwit peter roebuck (was only written once)
graeme smith cricket in love with woman (but she thinks he is an ass clown)
how to write article on cricket (wrong site for that)
if i only had a mustache (or pubes)
indian cricketers in an underwear (hinglish porn search)
mark nicholas sycophant (uhum)
michael hussey womaniser? (doubtful)
michael slater coke (not pepsi)
michael slater gilly wife sleep (wife swap)
michael slater is adam gilchrist’s child’s father controversy (not funny)
no ball underwear (over stepping)
perving at the cricket (also known as tony greiging)
rick ponting ©unt (sounds better with a y)
ricky ponting in underwear (nice)
sex with evil dragons (cricket with balls we have sex with evil dragons)
stuart macgill gay voice (more snooty than gay)
underwear of ricky ponting (y fronts)
cricket with balls probot (I’m famous ma)

Oh and Cindy Nel gets the 2nd most hits for a female on here.

Jacques Kallis not so much.

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Channel 9’s A team


Channel 9 suck, all Australian’s know this, Moses just mentioned it, Tony mentions it often, but in Australia we are stuck with them for a while longer.

So I thought we should rate their on air talent.

Bill Lawry – Rumours have be circulating around the traps for a while that Bill is on his way out. It’s not that he is losing form, its that he is in the exact same form he was when he signed his first Channel 9 contract. Would be unfair to lose his position when there are others around who are ordinary. Still gets excited, still speaks his mind, it’s just that we know what is going to come out.

B-

Tony Greig – Is still a pervert, but is not a pervert protected by Kerry Packer or his scientologist son. Continues to get cricketers names wrong. Continues to talk about broad shoulders and well built young men, and still the only commentator willing to say dirty things when pretty young ladies are shown. Invented crash helmets, the doosra and the Tony Greig shot (a lingering camera shot on a hot chick in revealing costume). Is not in particularly good form, but hard to remember a time when he was. Still hates Australia while making all his cash here. You have to respect that.

C

Richie Benaud – I am not worthy to rate the great man.

A+

Ian Chappell – You know before the year what you will get from him. He will say the SCG is his favourite ground. He will talk about Les Favell twelve times a test. He will say the opposition batting line up is wrong. He will complain about every captaining decision. He will try like fu©k not too swear. And he will name drop every important cricket name he can think of at all times. But he does actually have opinions and he does talk about cricket, so it’s hard to hate him.

B-

Ian Healy – The man was a champion cricketer. Which is lucky cause he is a horrible commentator. He can’t interview, he sits on the fence, he makes excuses for all cricketers mistakes and he has the on air personality of a fish that has been killed, scaled and regurgitated. Gets technical about a sport that is pretty damn simple. When on the cricket show giving a master class he is very good, but why not let him specialise in that. He is not up to commentating.

F

Mark Taylor – Can’t speak really that good. For a man that seemed so damn clever on the field, you would have to think he left all that intelligence out on the pitch. His only redeeming moments come in bagging Michael Slater, but that’s an easy target. He is lucky that Ian Healy is around, so he doesn’t look like a complete fool. He has ruined so many great cricket moments like McGrath’s hattrick, that he should be tried for heresy.

F

Mark Nicholas – The man who thinks everything is delightful, wonderful and exquisite. Only George Bush sucks up to Australians better than Mark. Everytime he spoke to Shane Warne Channel 9 had to replace Shane’s shoes for excessive semen damage. His latest escapade where he went over the top on Gilly for 3 days straight proves he is a sycophant and should be sent back to whatever pay tv network he came from.

D

Michael Slater – I always hated Slater, maybe it was all the failures in the 90’s, or his tattoo, his car or those Mrs Gilly rumours, but either way he got on my nerves as a player. As a commentator I don’t hate him. Compared with the other new breed, he is actually quite good. He bags himself well, doesn’t pretend to know anything about cricket and gets excited about buttering his toast. Sure he says 74 words when none will do, but he has a dumb guy honesty that seems to suit commentating. But that said, he is not in the 10 best commentators in Australia and should be shafted.

C

Simon O’Donnell and the Cricket Show – So’d is smug, and a tosser, but as long as he is shafted to the cricket show he is fairly harmless. After watching him on the races for long periods of times I know why he is only given a few moments at a time.

His show is out dated, stale and ©rap. They show filmed episodes that are boring and useless. Dan Cullen and Cullen Bailey get specials even though both of them are too sh1te to get regular selections for their state (the worst in the country) and yet Bryce McGain, Doug Bollinger and others who are an actual chance of playing for their country are hardly mentioned.

Either make it a cricket show like Inside Cricket on Foxtel, or make it a relevant clips show, and show specials on young cricketers who are performing at state level or just in the national side. Don’t give us the worst bits of both those ideas.

When the cricket show does try and tackle the big issues, they usually get round table discussions with Ian Healy, Mark Taylor and So’d. Does anyone really need that?

D-

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it doesn’t rain in sydney

The Aus v NZ game has been paused so we can watch last weeks 20/20 game.

Must be for ratings.

Let me fill you in on the highlights so far.

Michael Slater asking the currator what the weather is going to be like, then the currator answered him, then Michael Slater asked him again, this time in a slightly different format. The man truly is a communications expert.

Brett Lee continued Lou Vincent’s horror return home, then he got McCullum with a slower ball.

The great thing about the slower ball was channel 9 picking up the subtle way Brett Lee hoicked up his pants like a Paris showgirl a couple of times before bowling the ball. If that’s the best they can come up with, I don’t suggest a career in espionage.

Bracken got How (possible nickname the chief), who at the moment looks like there is no physical way he could score runs. I have heard the boy can bat, but he seems to be going out of his way to prove he can’t.

Then the 2020 game came on, except for a brief moment where Ian Healey and James Sutherland came out and discussed orange balls.

My mum looked up from her Christmas cards to say, “Why do cricketers always look like their holding balls when they are talking”. I just assumed it was a wicket keeping thing.

Now the cricket looks like its over for the day I can actually do some work.

Such a shame.

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session update day 1 – stumps

As some of you may remember I missed the first day of the gabba test. (After all it was oaks day).

So I must thank the two countries for doing their best to completely replay it for me.

What happened in the last session you may be asking.

Jacques got sold a lullaby by Jayasuriya.

King Probot continued onwards as the least talented batsmen ever to average over 80.

Malinga troubled Clarke with the new ball.

Um, Slater relived his cr@p record in the nineties as King probot looked a bit shaky for an over or two.

What we learned today.

Maharoof is boring to watch.

Malinga is good, but he is not Jesus.

Murali really doesn’t scare Australia.

Jacques is very good, but you’re a chance if you can catch him on a milestone.

Hussey is almost impossible to get out.

Tony Greig likes to feed cricketers, and he thinks fabulous Phil eats too much, future cricket backside I’d say.

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