You can beat a polygraph, trick a jury, be immune to truth syrum and even make sure the CSI bastards don’t find a thing, but you can’t beat Steve Waugh’s eyes.
They are double barrelled weapons of truth.
When not roaming the cricket world talking about the baggy green, Steve Waugh is used by various world governments to find double agents because it is impossible to lie to them man.
Once his eyes have you locked in there is nothing you can do but tell the truth.
The MCC have thusly offered to rent out Steve Waugh, or even just his eyes, to the ICC to check when players are cheated.
Apparently Salman Butt walks around with his hands over his eyes when Waugh is around or looking at his compact mirror, much like Perseus did around Medusa.
A 30 second conversation with Steve Waugh will result in no less than 7 secrets coming out, cricket or otherwise.
His truth beacon eyes are like polygraph detecters, only not a bullshit pseudoscience, they actually work.
How he does it is by steeling his eyes up, making them tougher than a stone. Then he locks on your gaze with the sort of razor sharp eyes needed to cut Curtly Ambrose from a touch to close to off. Then he looks through your eyes, down past your brain, he finds your soul, and he mentally disintegrates your soul until it coughs up all your biggest secrets.
The Indians are still not 100% convinced with the system, they say that Steve Waugh’s eyes, while being far more efficient a system for telling match fixers than a polygraph, are still not a system that they really believe in.
That hasn’t stopped the MCC from suggesting that Steve Waugh’s eyes could solve match fixing in cricket.
It’s even rumoured to have already had an effect on cricket with Steve Waugh sat in a room with Daryl Harper and Harper admitted that he had never actually read the laws of cricket (which he called rules) and that he was generally incompetent as an umpire.
As if backing up the claims of Steve Waugh’s gaze of truth, there is a wikileaks document stating that Steve Waugh can’t be in a room with any American Peisdent, because even by accident he could find out the name of the remote control operator of the two 911 planes.
Fuck polygraphs, one quick bit of eye contact with Steve Waugh and you’ll be saying your a match fixer, admitting to licking a doberman’s ass for a dare and talking about how you like to Tarmac young boys.
There is truth, and then there is Steve Waugh truth.