Tag Archives: matthew hayden

Hayden’s special commentary

Sometimes bad form is shown not by your batting, but by outside forces.

“He’s off the mark, Matthew Hayden, it’s a nice one on the pads, a little bit of an inside edge, but there you go, the scorers got that one next to your name, its nice to get off the naught”

Michael Slater.


Jesus knew when to make an exit, think about it matty

If you go too soon, no one will think you were dead.

If you go to late, no one will care that you have gone.

It’s all about the timing.

Jesus knew this.

And Matty Hayden likes to ask himself what would Jesus do, sometimes that is call India 3rd world, and other times its sledge Graeme Smith.

Well Jesus would retire now, and not just because he has bad hands, but because if you stick around too long and do little, you tarnish all your afterlife.

There was a book about it once, if Hayden has time to read something that doesn’t have recipes for moo shoo pork in it.


Start at the top

There is no secret formula that South Africa used to win this match.

Just look at the score card.

South African players who made a contribution in this test.

Smith, Amla, Kallis, AB, Duminy, Boucher, Morkel, Harris, Steyn & Ntini.

Australia players who made a contribution in this test.

Katich, Clarke, Symonds, Haddin & Johnson.

10 to 5.

If it wasn’t for Johnson Australia would have never been in the match.

Even with his 11 wickets they still only got within 6 wickets of Victory.

If Australia gets a contribution out of 8 men they win this match.

This isn’t about lack of talent either.

Ponting, Hayden, Hussey and Lee were part of Australia’s useless majority.

Ponting seems to have lost faith in his batting, his captaincy gets more exposed everytime Australia play and he is getting quicker to strop daily.

Hayden looks lost, and he is holding back two potential ten year players, a player with a solid test record and a guy averaging 82 in shield cricket this year.

Hussey has averaged 33 in his last 12 tests, THIRTY THREE, where are the editorials, why aren’t people calling for his head like they were with Dravid and Hayden.

And Lee, poor Lee, I have never had a wife leave me, so I don’t know what he is going through. But I know poor form, and he has it.

Yet these players don’t seem in any immediate danger.

That is what they need, danger.

Only one of them needs to get dropped.

Just to put the fear of the Aliens into them.

Hayden is the one.

He needs to fuck off now.

He is a relic of a past dynasty.

Australia can afford to carry no man.

I have always loved watching him bat, so this isn’t about him.

It’s about the team, and he is a heavy fucken albatross.

Hughes is the future, and he is the present.

No better time to get him in than after a hundred.

Hayden needs to bite the bullet, or get it chinse style while he eats his meal.

And if that doesn’t scare the rest of them into form, then reload the gun.

The team used to mean more than the man in Australia, is that still the case?

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the day that was


Until Lunch it was business as usual.

Then Krejza took Australia on a wonderful ride.

And Katich took over after tea.


India somehow went from Trophy holders to nervous ninnies.

It was the collapse that India had resisted so far in the series.

But they did it in style, and then were worked over by two left handers.

Who is in front

India still has the lead, but Australia are in the game, and they are dangerous.

Tomorrow it could be all level.

Play of the day

Mishra’s debut with the bat.

It lasted one ball, in his 3rd test, and he missed what can be described as a deceptively straight one from Krazy Krejza.

Testicular moment of the day

Can’t really look past Krejza can you.

He stood tall amongst the carnage on day one, but on day two he walked through another attack and then did something that no thought he had in him.

He took 8 wickets, and brought india down.

Working Class man of the day

Someone woke up Simon Katich.

Not only did he make runs, but he did so quickly, and took the day away from India.

Brain Fade of the day

Dhoni looks the goods as a captain, and has been batting pretty well in this series.

But what the fuck?

That shot was just all sorts of ugly, and it started a collapse.

Brain Fade of the day II

Australia got off to a great start with the bat.

And just as they looked like really pushing ahead, hayden hits the ball straight to mid on and runs.

He almost made it, if it wasn’t for Khan’s manly shoulders and the fact India had their best fielder there, he might have made it.

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bring us the money, money men

Will the real VVS and Hayden please step up.

Almost every batsmen in this series, even the dud ones, has made runs at one point or another.

All the Australian top six have made fifties or hundreds.

All the Indian top seven have made fifties or hundreds.

Except for two men.

VVS Laxman and Matt Hayden.

These are two men that love playing against their current oppsition.

VVS would go down in history as a colossal waste of talent and elegance had it not been for his demolition jobs on Australia.

He averages 49 against them with a whopping 5 hundreds from 22 matches.

His very name ensures that Australia no longer automatically follows on.

If it weren’t for India, Matt Hayden probably wouldn’t have become the orphan eating fat head he is.

In 2001 he went from zero to hero, as they say in the classics, and in 16 matches against India he has made an even more whopping 6 hundreds @ 58.

These are two men who have put the runs on the board like mother fuckers from hell when the names Border Gavaskar are etched onto something.

But not this series.

Hayden was unlucky in the first match, being given out twice incorrectly.

And VVS’s only good innings was cut short by bad light, bad rules and general boredom.

But neither man has really looked themselves.

Hayden has looked out of touch, and has had a long break from cricket before this series.

His ass whipping/spanking/depantieising/lucky slogging off Zaheer Khan was a balls act of a desperate man trying to last more than a few balls against Khan.

VVS has looked flat, Sehwag is the man people talk about now, Ganguly’s retirement party is big, Tendulkar’s milestones are everywhere, and so VVS is hardly getting any attention.

And perhaps the surgeon just wants some love.

Whether both or either man has gone a series too far is a hard call, but I am missing both of them, and I’d sure as shit rather see either of them hit a hundred than having to watch Ganguly or Hussey get another one.

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Made of chalk

Young men are vibrant.

They are made of rubber and they bounce back before their injuries are fully realised.

Old men are not so lucky.

They injure themselves masturbating.

Thinking about masturbating.

Or in the nets.

3, of the 18 over 30 year olds in this Bastard Monkey Series, may not play in the test Friday.

Anil Kumble injured his shoulder wiping his forehead.

Stuart Clark hurt his elbow while putting a more realistic rinse through his hair.

Matthew Hayden wounded his elbow cooking relief packages for Roy, but he tells people it was bashing in the heads of Orphans.

That is the problem with playing men of advanced years.

They have chalk for bones, and vinegar for blood, not many people know this.

Mitchell Johnson has never injured himself putting in a labret or tongue piercing.

Ishant Sharma doesn’t hurt himself shaving his adams apple.

Because they are young you see, they could break a bone, and it would heal 8 minutes later.

Someone of Tendulkar’s age drops a packet of sugar on his toe and he never walks again.

There seems to be an obsession with youth everywhere in the world except Australia & India’s change room.

Will this lust for the elder gentleman be either side’s downfall.

Who knows, but stay tuned for the next episode of Grumpy Old Chalky Men.

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they speak

“I am God’s favourite son, he has given me all.”

“I ask myself what would christ do in a situation like this?”

The top one was said by Harbhajan Singh.

The bottom one by Matthew Hayden.

How are these two men not friends.

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Token Olympics post

So, the Olympics are over, Boris has the torch, the big airport welcome for the British athletes has been cancelled because of security fears (boding well for 2012), and you can all get back to watching the cricket without worrying about missing any rhythmic gymnastics.

Except for this. Usain Bolt, who I adore, likes cricket, and when asked who he would like to meet, said…

Matthew Hayden.

Now, we don’t have the same level of Matthew Hayden hatred here as, say, this guy, but he is definitely at the “players we don’t like” end of the spectrum, and for Usain to pick Hayden is all kinds of wrong.

First, this isn’t helpng the drug rumours*.

Secondly, REALLY??? Nobody else you’d rather meet? You’re a wildly talented showboating kind of guy, so I think you’d like Shane Warne. Hayden would take you fishing and read exerpts from the Bible! Where’s the fun in that?

The crumb of comfort in the article is this:

“Most of the international media listening to Bolt’s interview didn’t know who Hayden was”.

*Legal note: I don’t actually think he takes drugs.


He don’t like being told what to do by no one but jesus

IS Bindra take a bow.

Your comments that Hussey and Hayden would play for Chennai ahead of Australia were spot on.

Just listen to what Hayden had to say.

“If we are playing for Australia in any form our decision will be to honour that commitment first. There are no grey areas here.”

No grey areas there, and perhaps no grey matter in Bindra’s brain.

Perhaps in future Bindra you should let the smooth talking abductor talk to the media.

Or strap his hands to a cross, cause then Hayden might be interested in what he has to say.

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Hayden, against the world

Matthew Hayden is leaving the holy land.

His ankle has not recovered, Dei Gratia for Hodgey/Krab.

Australia only has two contracted openers, it’s almost as if Outside the Church there is no salvation.

Australia does have Shaun Marsh, whose father sent us his son to atone for his sins, but we did not accept him into our side.

Before leaving, Hayden took Katich into his bosom and said, In this side you will conquer.

But Krabs didn’t get a mention with Noah.

Katich wanted to respond with Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa, but Hayden, sensing his time was not long on this earth, was gone.

From the corner of the room was a small man with a sensible haircut from Victoria saying I am not worthy, Oh lord Non sum dignus, I am not worthy, without the Mike Myers affliction.

It was really annoying, Rupert Clark changed seats.

Ponting looked longingly at the place Hayden used to sit, thinking to himself, Long live Hayden the King!.

Tim Neilson, sensing the sombre mood after Haydens exitus (uhum) stated in a loud and booming Voice, one day I shall sing, Hayden resurrexit!