Matty sleeps in his bed, beside him is his Andrew Symond’s approved wife.
A large beam of unexplainable light wakes him, but not the little lady.
matty tries to adjust his eyes to it, but it is just too bright, eventually a shadowy figure emerges, he cannot see a face, but the profile is familiar.
It is one he has seen in every church he has ever been in.
Jesus: That’s me.
Matty is instantly calmed by the dulcet tones, which leads him to believe this must be Jesus.
Matty: Why are you here?
Jesus: I came to talk to you about your career, your legacy, and your future.
Matty sits up in the bed.
Matty: Oh thank you, I did it all in your name.
Jesus stretches his neck a little at this.
Jesus: Yesssss, that is the problem, you see people do a lot of things in my name, murder doctors, start wars, ignore the genius of Nine Inch Nails, and hate gays, even the entreating ones, and I let it all go through to the keeper.
Jesus: The thing is, none of that really bothers me, but your behaviour, the bullying, the sledging, the cookbooks, and the righteousness really pissed me off.
Matty: But I just wanted to win cricket games, and sell some books.
Jesus: I know man, don’t get me wrong, you are successful; it’s just that a lot of people don’t like you, and you say you like me.
Matty: I just played hard, but fair.
Jesus pauses, and lets out a small sigh.
Jesus: Obnoxious weed, all that Graeme Smith stuff, Zimbabwe, appearing on Stuey’s show, that was pretty embarrassing to me.
Matty: That wasn’t just me; Harbhajan is an obnoxious weed, why aren’t you speaking to him.
Jesus: He is out of my jurisdiction. Anyway this is about anyone else, this is about you, and a way you can save my name and redeem yourself.
Matty looks confused.
Jesus: It’s like this; I’d like you to come out against sledging.
Matty: No way.
Matty is quiet for a minute, and then shakes his head a little.
Matty: I don’t think I can do that.
Jesus: Fair enough, its not like I am your lord and saviour or anything, I didn’t die for your sins now, or anything like that.
Matty holds up his hand.
Matty: Ok ok, it is just that this sounds a bit Un-Australian to me.
Jesus: It is Un-Australian.
Matty: Well I am Australian, and it is hard to go against my own people.
Jesus: Yes, yes, but I am Jesus, I mean for fucks sake, man, Jesus.
Matty holds up his bad in the style of the international “my bad” way.
Matty: You’re right.
Jesus: So it’s a deal.
Jesus: Shake on it.
Matty and Jesus both lean in for the handshake, and for the first time Matty can get a good look at Jesus’ face.
Matty: You’re not white.
Jesus: I never said I was.
Matty: Sorry, I didn’t mean to offend; it’s just that I thought you would be.
Jesus: Your mistake.
Matty: Where are you from?
Jesus puts on a shit eating grin.
Jesus: I’m the Son of God, remember, it’s in the books.
Matty: Yeah but what race are you, like where was your mum from?
Matty: No fucken way.
Matty just sites there shaking.
Jesus: Bet you feel like a dickhead now, dontcha?
Matty: My whole life, my life, my whole life….
Jesus laughs at Matty, and then turns to leave the room.
Jesus: Jeez I love my job.
And Jesus was gone.