Tag Archives: matt prior

balls profile: matt prior

Drives around in a Ferrari made of jelly beans. Looks 10 years older than he is because of the lack of hair.  Yet, can still get a wife attractive enough that a billionaire fraudster will try and hit on. For years was thought of as a good batsman who couldn’t really keep, now is keen on reversing that trend.  Perhaps the first inkling that he had good hands was the amazing feat of throwing jelly beans with keeping gloves on.  Has some sort of sick relationship with Alec Stewart. Australians considered him arrogant, that is some praise.

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The Trott Theory

Jonathan Trott was born in South Africa.

So were Andrew Strauss and Matt Prior.

Throw in Kevin Pietersen and that’s 1/4 of the 16 players England have called up this summer who were born Saffers.

I don’t have a problem with this. England has a proud tradition of utilising players from the former colonies. Heck, some of them – Dexter, Grieg, Lamb (once) and two of the above have gone on to captain the side.

My problem is that we’re clearly missing a trick. None of these have produced offspring who were also born abroad (preferably in SA). This shows a serious lack of forward planning by the ECB. Hell, Strauss was even allowed to return home from a tour to be with his wife whilst she gave birth. In England. What the ECB should’ve done was to ship her out to Jo’burg at 24 weeks, then confine her there until after the big squeeze.

They made the same mistake with Mrs Prior, too, which just shows what a bunch of braindeads they are.

KP has to be next in the frame. He’s got a few weeks where he can’t really do anything but put his feet up and he’s known to enjoy spending extra time with Jessica. If Geoff Miller hasn’t stuck the pair of them on a plane to Durban by now, he should be penning his resignation letter first thing in the morning. The future of English cricket demands nothing less.

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Alec Stewart’s neutral hat

Alec wears this when clubbing in Ibiza

At the Ladbrokes launch (bacon rolls get you 2 links apparently) Alec Stewart was asked the inevitable questions about Prior’s keeping.

I can’t remember the last time Stewart was interviewed and Prior wasn’t mentioned.

This time he put on his “neutral hat”, and talked about matt Prior was the complete package, even though Foster was the best keeper in the world.

Why do people even bother asking him about Prior, he is his agent, he makes more money by Prior being in the national team. End of story.

He is never going to say drop Prior, or that he isn’t up to it.

Why would he, I assume that he and Prior have some sort of bond, be it through money or being wicket keepers who bat better than catch.

So why ask him?

He can’t wear a neutral hat when it comes to Prior, because they don’t exist, and because why would he do in his cash cow.

Asking about his car, house prices in Battersea, or what sexual favours he had to perform to get his own gate at the Oval.

But forget about Matt Prior, he is cash in Stewart’s nest egg, and no well dressed man would forgo a couple of new suits so he could tell the truth.

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Prior & Bell: a product review

The great Roy & HG often referred to opening partnerships like Law firms.

Their most famous one was Mott & Elliott, which before Matthew Mott started getting courted by the Kiwis was the only time he had ever been mentioned outside of a score card.

Now we have Prior & Bell, the phone company.

Unfortunately this is not a company you want for your country.

The wiring is all wrong.

Let’s start with Bell, like the late great Shane Watson, he is technically almost perfect.

The problem with the perfect system is when it needs to be flexible and adaptable, it cannot, and it is so fixed into the correct position, that any different position cannot be formed.

The owners of the technique know it cannot be adapted, but believe it’s absolute class will win the day, so far that has failed, and now people are even doubting this system ever had absolute class.

Prior is a being sold as a dynamic new player on the mobile front.

The record does not suggest that, his connection rate is infrequent, and when he does connect quickly, it drops out soon after.

The marketing men have done a good job of the selling, but the customer feedback is horrible. There is a chance that this product is just being aimed at the wrong market.

If it were rebranded, and moved into a niche, it may survive, but it does not have the reliability, or true dynamics to be a mobile carrier at the top of the market.

When you combine the two, you end up with 2 services that simply do not match each other, do not cover each others shortfall, and a terrible communications bundle.

Instead of highlighting each others strengths, they exacerbate the problem of the other system.

We are not saying they would not work well separately, we just think that you deserve better for your cash.

Why pay for fibre optics cables, and take two tin cans and a ratty piece of string.

It’s the users who get the raw end, the big company has so many failures in this market, they are afraid to ditch these new products, even though this is clearly another failure.

Interestingly there is another product the companya re working on that people are very excitred about, it’s a new internet system that the users could get excited about, its still experimental, but Steven Davies (in beta mode) has the techies purring.

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Prior protects his Demi

In the film Indecent Proposal, Robert Redford offers Emilio Estevez one million dollars to sleep with his wife.

I think that is way over the odds for Demi Moore, but still, its a film.

In Antigua Stanford has offered 20 million dollars for England to play a cricket game.

England’s first thought was that is was harmless, good for the players and a bit of free publicity.

Now the players are revolting against it, the money is fine, but they didn’t realise that Stanford would have access to their changerooms or their WAGs.

Also Stanford is no Robert Redford.

He is awkward and sleazy, i think you would spend hours cleaning your hand after one of his handshakes.

Having your wife sit on the lap of an overly tanned billionaire is one thing, but then having said overly tanned billionaire kiss the top of her head must have pissed Prior off.

Prior and Stanford are not friends, they don’t go bowling together or eat jellybeans off each others ass cheeks.

For the purpose of this game they are in a employer/employee relationship.

Prior may well donate his pregnant wife for the cause, but he would want the money upfront.

Or he may want to punch Stanford’s face until his blood go onto one of his brightly coloured polo shirts.

Either way the ECB probably didn’t think they would be fielding questions about players not wanting to play for millions of dollars and how Matt Prior reacted to his missus sitting on a sleazy man’s lap.

20 million buys some things, but not wives, good pitches, good taste and lights that work.

But look at that tan, that is worth a million or two.

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Catch, Release & Wristy men

Ok so I am still pissed at thewhole Rashid oversight.

But let us move onto the other 2 selectorial decisions.

The Keepers

Who needs 2 keepers for a two test tour?

Who needs Tim Ambrose?

The answer to both questions should be no one, but instead it’s England.

How long does it take to fly a keeper from England to India anyway.

Matt Prior is clearly going to be the first choice, and Tim Ambrose is clearly Tim Ambrose.

What a waste of a plane ticket.

Unless he is going over on a one way ticket, then it makes sense.

The spare batsman.

Michael Vaughan is enjoying his retirement with golf, his new sky contract, his old English contract, and playing for Northern Districts.

So the England need to find their new batsman.

And being that this is a Subbie tour, they were always going to pick one of their wrsity* batsman.

Ravi Bopara was in the squad for the last test against the saffas, so obviously Owais Shah was picked.

Shah is the better batsman, so it is surprising that he is in the tour.

Bopara will have to wait a little longer before he becomes Sachin Tendulkar.

I think it will happen one day, if he kills Sachin and wears his skin as a suit.

In 70 odd days time this squad will play their first test.

I am counting the days.

For the suave and sweary version of the english squad, go here.

* Commentators code for an Asian batsman.

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Matt Prior is now a good bloke

I got given one of those free papers today on the tube.

There was a great cricket quote in it from KP about Matt Prior. 
“He’s become a real good bloke and matured alot as a man over the last 6 or 9 months”. 
He’s become a real good bloke, what the fuck was he before. 
An ass, a cunt, a dick, a fucktard, a scientologist, a christian?
Is KP the sort of bloke that should be making judgements on whether people are good people or not. 
Then again neither am I, but it’s never stopped me before. 
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