Tag Archives: JP Duminy

What cricketer would you turn gay for, pick carefully

I put up a link to Ant Sims’ new blog about Chris Gayle on twitter and @mediagag said that he would totally turn gay for Chris Gayle.

I wouldn’t, but I get it.

So here is my guide for what players you should turn gay for depending on what kind of sex you’re looking for.

Brendan Nash – If you’re looking for a doting partner who will always cuddle with you, Nash is your man.  Will do everything he needs to do to make sure you are happy.  He’s not stylish or that sexy, but he’s a good bloke.  The second hand Volvo of Gay sex.

Shahid Afridi – rough sex in the back of a taxi, random encounters in parks and lewd relations in shady hotels, he offers it all.  If you’re looking for no commitment and short sharp burst, Afiridi is your man.  May leave you unsatisfied at times, but that’s part of the fun.  Is most probably a selfish top.

Peter Borren – do you like to feel intimidated by your partner?  Some men would need to tie you up and put ball gags in your mouth to make you feel subservient to them, with Borren, it’s just one look.  Ofcourse, not perfect for introducing to your parents, as he will scare them to death.

Sachin Tendulkar – Who doesn’t want to fuck the most famous man in cricket.  I can’t imagine that in life Sachin does anything badly, so that should mean that in bed he’s a cracker at the sexy sexing.  Bonus points for fucking a living God.

Doug Bollinger – Not everyone wants a thinking man, some want one who is all about actions.  Douggie is perfect for this.  If you can rate someone in bed by the way they dance, Douggie is hilarious in bed.  He’s a man’s man, he’ll try all day, he’s willing to fix his appearance and he’ll make you laugh.  Like a pet that is house trained that you can legally fuck.

Jesse Ryder – cricket’s most eligible bear.  If you’re a cub looking for a big strong man to place it in your gaps, Jesse has to be the man you want.

JP Duminy – Perhaps the opposite of a bear, he’s a twink.  Having still not completely come to terms with his game, so now is the perfect time to become his sugar daddy and take care of him.  Buy him a car, show him how to face the short ball and watch how he performs for you.

Salman Butt – fuck him.  Hard.

Ajantha Mendis – looking for something a little different, freaky, and mysterious.  Mendis’ fingers have it all.  Although, once you’ve worked out all his little tricks, you can always move on to Randiv or Herath.

And ladies, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, if you’re a lady looking to go gay, may I suggest…

Claire Taylor – Probably the biggest catch in world cricket if you’re a woman looking to turn.  She is perfect in every single situation.  You could claim that she isn’t the most stylish, but her results speak for themselves.  Taylor will think herself through every situation, which bodes well for the boudoir.

Mithali Raj – If you’re not as worried about performance, but just want the best looking woman on your arm as you enter the clubs, Mithali is that.  Her cover drive is so sexy that if the entire world watched it together it would create a tsunami of sex juice that would kill us all.  Probably more interested in looking good than being good, but that’s why you turned for her in the first place.

Personally, I turned gay for a pull shot from Matthew Elliott against Allan Donald, alas, the pull shot didn’t have any feelings for me.  So I decided I’d have to become straight.

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balls profile: JP Duminy

Has never been in a French New Wave film.  After making 166 in his second test he said, “I guess I have a lot to live up now.”  Hasn’t yet lived up to it, making two fifties since then.  His batting is perhaps too pretty to be real.  Sort of like watching a young Sugar Ray Robinson in the dusk light filmed on a 16mm cam.  His footwork is breathtaking, but has been used mainly to walk to and from the wicket of late.  Was verbally fellated by Ian Chappell so much after his hundred that many believe this is the reason for his loss of class.  Has never had the nickname, “cricket’s Justin Bieber”.

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South Africa legitimise Twenty20

If you want proof that Twenty20 is a proper form of cricket, look no further than South Africa choking.

If the form of cricket was all piss and giggles, South Africa would have crushed it like a big.

They didn’t.

While the talent of Afridi and Gul was the over riding factor in the victory, no one should down play the part that South Africa’s choke put in.

The innings of Jacques Kallis was positively awe inspiring, while other batsmen would have looked at the situation and said, “I know I am the Anchor here, but I see that the other batsman is struggling and the game is getting away from me, I better do something here”. Jacques seemed to say, if I play my cards right there is a not out in this for me.

JP Duminy was almost as bad. When you are batting with a cadaverous batsman and you have Albie and Boucher behind you, surely you have to step it up a bit. Sure JP tried, but he just didn’t try hard enough, There were so many times he should have just hit out or got out.

This was a partnership made in T20 hell.

And once Kallis went out, Albie got to face 4 balls.

That was it.

South Africa were out.

Graeme Smith said they were just beaten by a better team, and he was right.

A team that handled the pressure, performed at a much higher level, had match winners, didn’t have a innings paralysing partnership and didn’t choke.

This is one of the days that people love T20.

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JP Duminy

Remember the spelling.

Write it down if you have to.

This was a coming out innings.

This is how you greet Test Cricket.

It was like a Disney film about how to make your debut test century.

His team needed it, check.

Batting with the tail when the big guns had failed, check.

Against the current number one side, check.

At the biggest cricket ground in world cricket, check.

All he needed was a girl to run out on the field as he went out, give him a kiss as the music swelled and the camera panned around him.

The innings was created from a place of batting perfection.

His footwork was genius.

He was fred astaire with a bat, and sometimes even ginger rogers.

His sense of moment was way beyond his years.

The occasion didn’t get to him, he got to it, and did the right thing at the right time.

His technique was sexy as hell.

The technique was so hot you would sell your first child to hitler if it meant your second child would have skill to bat like this.

And he came out like few before him.

It was Ali v Liston.

It was Zatopek in London.

It was Genghis Khan in Europe.

It was Lara in Sydney.

It was Tendulkar, also in Sydney.

Bill compared him to Neil Harvey.

Nicholas compared him to Lara.

Compare him to who ever you want, the boy can bat.

That was an innings that doesn’t just guarantee you a career, it changes the world of cricket a little bit.

Sometimes things are on your side, Steyn should have been cleaned up multiple times, and Australia were one bowler down on an increasingly flat looking wicket.

But Tendulkar and Lara didn’t make their scores on tough wickets to bat on.

It was how they made them that mattered.

JP made his look easy, calm and sexy, and it wasn’t as if he was batting with Ravi Shastri, he had to make the runs and control the tail ender at the other end.

He just made the most out of every last ball.

Time will be his big test, but JP will always have this, and so will everyone who saw it.