Tag Archives: jacob oram

balls profile: Jacob Oram

If a sign of greatness was being able to make Ian Smith orgasm at the mere mention of your name, there would be no greater player than Jacob Oram.  Places his medium pace on the pitch not known to most men his size, hits the ball hard when it is placed in his hard to find hitting zone. There was a time when he was so prepared to prove how tough he was he considered cutting his own finger off to play in a world cup, he didn’t, the big softy.  Has been called the perfect boyfriend for his hard on the outside look but soft on the inside nature.  Cut in front of my wife at the hotel buffet once.  In that order he asked for two wraps, one with chips, one without.

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Oram tests faithful

We all knew it was coming.

Some people will be sad, romantic types.

Some people will be glad, action film types.

Ol’ Perfect Boyfriend, Jacob Oram, is planning on giving up test cricket so he can play with white balls for longer.

I know you’re shocked.

This year he has played the same amount of tests that I have played. And was overlooked for James Franklin in the series against India.

Oram is following a trend of New Zealand cricketers, Stryis, Bond and Cairns at the top, of kiwis who gave up on test cricket before they gave up on international cricket.

His masculine batting and his feminine bowling make him a handy test player to have, batting average of 37, bowling of 31, and in ’08 he was the hardest bowler to get away in test cricket.

It has been clear to all of us that his heart isn’t in test cricket, according to Craig McMillan he is soft, according to me he is a jelly bean player.

Test cricket is just too long for him, 5 days, that is an obscene amount of time, he has to get his hair permed, get to the gym, have his rim job from Ian Smith, and prepare for the next 2020 tournament.

How can you do all that if you are a test player?

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Oram the Saviour??

Stolen illegally from sportsfreak.

There has been much talk over the last few days, including from Daniel Vettori that the answer to New Zealand’s batting woes is Jacob Oram.

We crunch the numbers and just can’t see it.

How we remember that century at the Gabba. In 2004. We remember that century in South Africa, and we even remember the most recent test saving knock at Lords. But that was in the middle of May last year, and we just can not find anything since to indicate that Oram is the answer.

When you take off those rose coloured glasses you can’t help get the feeling that this would be the ultimate case of a player being picked on reputation rather than facts.

We like Oram, and we agreed he has that Perfect Boyfriend aspect to him. But over the last year he hasn’t really been the perfect boyfriend ; he’s been more of an absentee lover.

Not that NZ is overly endowed with batsmen with more than a couple of test centuries under their belt, but lets look at Oram’s batting record since that century at Lords in May last year, and see if it sets him up for test cricket against Ishant, Harbijan and co.

Facts, not emotion and fond memories.

Test Matches
As strange as it may seem, Oram has actually played test cricket in the last 10 months.

v England, 2nd test
38 and 7

v England, 3rd test
7 and 50*

v Bangladesh, 1st test
0 and 8*

The 8* took 35 balls and involved a dropped dolly and a missed run-out.

So that’s a grand total of 110 runs at 27.5 against not necessarily the world’s best attacks.

ODI Matches
v. England; matches 4 and 5
38 and 52.

Good effort. He missed the first 3 matches through injury in case that needed any clarification.

v. Bangladesh; all 3 matches
That’s right. All 3 matches; against Bangladesh.

57, 75* and 3.

v. West Indies; matches 1, 2 and 3

Missed the last 2 matches.

v. India; All 5 matches
Who’s watching Jake?

0, 7 and 1.

The 7 (off 11) was in the 2nd highest scoring ODI ever.

So over that period that’s a total of 258 runs.

T20 Matches
2 v West Indies and 2 v India
13, 9, 29*, 0

That’s 51 runs in the format of the game some cynics suggest may well be his current focus.

Domestic 1st Class Cricket
Yup, he’s even played some of that. This week in fact, on the same pitch that Canterbury racked up 493.

One innings; 11 runs.

So, since the middle of May last year in all forms of the game Oram has amassed a total of 430 runs.

And although it is a bit misleading to incorporate the various forms of the game, that’s at an average of around 27.

What other player in world cricket would get rushed back into a side with so few runs under the belt? A player who hasn’t scored a 50 in any form of the game since 11th October last year.

Where his highest score in 10 innings since then has been 29*.

When on song, he has been a classy No. 6 batsman. But he’s needed time in the middle to get into that song. And since May of 2008 he just had not had that time in the middle, and to suggest he could come back now and somehow turn his own fortunes around, not to mention New Zealand’s would be like suggesting he won’t break again some time over the next few months.

Sportsfreak. Where we deliver statistics, not hyperbole.

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To fix or not to fix?

New Zealand has seen the destructive power of India with the bat, and they are scared.

Green and Low? Sportsfreak talks about the sort of wickets the kiwis are brought up on.

Much debate over the last few days as to whether New Zealand should pull the 2002 card out from under the bottom of the pack, and produce pitches that are going to favour the home side, or at very least make it a lottery.

Today, we put forwards the case for doctoring.

The kind of doctoring

We are not talking about a traditional WACA or Sabina Park green-top here.

Someone might die, and that is hardly playing into the hands of a seam attack with an average pace of around 130kph.

What we are talking about is the kind of pitch offered up for the 1992 World Cup.

Plenty of weird and wonderful random sideways movement, minimal bounce, and even less pace. Just like we got at Eden Park on Saturday.

Will flat tracks work?

No they won’t.

India showed during the ODI series that this New Zealand attack poses no threats on batting friendly pitches.

It wasn’t just Sehwag either. All of them, including the 4 who played in domestic cricket (making about 8 of them) showed that these TV-friendly new age NZ pitches with their lack of sideways movement and perfect bounce are just like a favourite IPL pitch.

Vettori offers his subtleties to add some variation, but the rest of the “attack” picked for Hamilton need help badly.

Mind Games

Most of the Indian top order were here last time. As soon as a ball jags a bit those demons and memories will start coming back. Seaming tracks are at their most dangerous when you’re scared of them.

Brent Arnel

Why pick him if you’re not going to water the pitch?

Short tests are fun

Lets face it, the 2002 Indian series was memorable. Too much test cricket these days is played on batting friendly roads that provides a tedious mismatch between bat and ball.

The recent West Indies v England series had a couple of tense finishes, but in between that there was a lot of tedium of Strauss and Chanderpaul nudging their way to hig scores.

But England getting bowled out for 51 was fun. Really fun.

Ishant Sharma

Adam’s Apple’s hype is based around 2 things. The counterbalance of throat and mullet, and the serious working over of the then world’s best batsman at Perth last year.

That Perth pitch was one of the great ones. Fast, bouncy, and pretty true. But Sharma was able to extract every bit of venom out of it, and use his class and height to utilise a very good pitch.

Why would we want to let him do that again?

Keep it low and slow and he’s taken out of the match.

We might also get to see some more of last Saturday’s theatrics.

Daniel Flynn

Flynn is gutsy and has a pretty good technique. But we have seen that when it gets up from a length he tends to eat it.

Put him in on a slow seamer and he’s got the technique when rocking onto the front foot to know when to leave, and when to play.

He is better placed to handle this than most out there.

Jacob Oram

It is hard to know what might one day motivate Oram to play test cricket again. But the sight of the ball doing strange things when bowled gently might be the one thing that could do it.

Iain O’Brien’s Blog

We’re sick of all those Indian schoolkids gloating over there.

Because we can

Call it regaining some sovereignty.

Next: A much shorter analysis of why we shouldn’t.

Visit Sportsfreak; they pull out of less tests than Jacob Oram.

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No flowers from the perfect boyfriend

According to the New Zealand Herald, James Franklin is Jacob Oram’s stand by at the moment.

Franklin is a better bowler than the Perfect Boyfriend, but obviously the Perfect Boyfriend is the far superior batsman.

New Zealand would rather have Oram, but Franklin is an able replacement.

My only problem is a small one.

Why isn’t Jacob playing?

According to my “research” Jacob has played the last 7 games for New Zealand.

2 twenty20s and 5 one day internationals.

He was fit enough to play in all these games, but not the test series.

Surely big Jake could have been rested for these 7 games, in preparation for the test series.

This test series is probably going to get more press coverage than any series New Zealand has ever played in.

The world will be watching to see if India is the real deal, or demons at home and teddy bears away.

They should have their best players on the field.

So who made this decision?

Surely the selectors would want their best player.

Moles doesn’t seem to, like Bracewell did, ignore the tests to do better in the one dayers.

For marketability alone Justin Vaughan would want Jacob front and square for this series.

Obviously Daniel Vettori would want Oram’s amazing control to slow down the Indians, plus his batting average of 37 is more than handy.

So is this Oram’s decision?

Cause if it is, the boy needs to be smacked around the ear a few hundred times.

I often get on Oram’s case, but the reason is simple, I love the way he plays bats, and I’d like to watch him play the highest form of the game.

Instead we see him make cameo appearances, pull out of series, and generally defend the accusations he is soft.

I don’t want him to defend the accusations he is soft, I want him to throw an Oram Orgy in the middle of the ground.

I want him to slap Khan out of the attack, I want him to lift Bhajji out of the stand.

I want him to make New Zealand a better team.

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It’s been done

When Voges took that catch, alot of people got excited, I didn’t, it seemed like a logical way to take an outfield catch.

Even Tony Greig had suggested it before.

I am sure teams include it in training drills now.

I am sure you have seen it by now, but if not.

Voges added a little dalliance with the rope, which was nice.

Now the perfect boyfriend has added his own version, and people seem excited again.

Jacob’s was defnitley harder, but without tripping it doesn’t quite pop as much.

I don’t think either of these catches are the best of all time, they are clever and intuitive, and make great youtubing, but that is about all.

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Oram is fit enough

Must mean it’s 2020 season.

Oh and the Indians are coming.


Odds of J Oram, perfect boyfriend, being fit for the whole Indian tour, 78:1.

Odds on him playing both 2020 matches, 3:1

Odds  on him and Craig McMillan making love during a rain break to keep everyone entertained, 5:2.


Who do you believe?

Jacob Oram, the perfect boyfriend, curly haired Adonis, highly skilled all rounder, who is made out of jelly beans.


Craig McMillan, he of the golden ass, 2020 specialist before it existed, captain of some ICL team, and hard as nails batsman.

You have to pick a side.

Because Craig McMillan has said what has been said in every New Zealand bar where sentences can be constructed, Oram is a big fucken softy.

Although he didn’t use those words, he said wrapped in cotton wool and,

“Unfortunately, with Jake’s track record … he has missed some games that maybe he could have got through,”


New Zealanders are sick and tired of their players not playing, and they are more sick and tired of their few match winners pulling out at the last minute before every test.

Ladies I am sure you know what the kiwi fans are going through.

Either put it in, and deal with the pain, or piss off and let some else who may not be as well equipped put it in, Superking my ass.

Oram has hit back at McMillan, softly.

“”I understand people who have never bowled a ball in anger in their lives having a bit of a go at me for potentially being on the soft side, but it’s extremely disappointing to come from an ex-teammate,”

If after teammate he added “who is a fat poofta”, the soft title may have been forgotten.

Oram goes further when he talks about all the times he has played hurt.

Two of them, a 2020 game and a one dayer.

Not really helping your cause there are you big fella.

I could imagine some kiwi supporters saying, that’s great Jacob, but where is the 30 overs into the wind stories?

In the wind I suppose.

Adam Parore also had a dip, but also took out Bond and Cairns, and I generally ignore Parore.

You have to feel sorry for jacob though.

This sort of harsh criticism can really get to a player, sometimes it makes them play through the pain just to prove a point.

We are sure that won’t happen to Jake, he is stronger than that.

Ian Smith is really pissed off by all this, but when we called for a comment he was out buying cotton wool.

So whose side are you on?

Craig’s or Jacob’s?

Personally I go with McMillan, he was a stocky tough sonofabitch, and I’ll always take their word over a soft as jelly beans allrounder.

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News from New Zealand, Jake makes the women cry, Jesse to shake his ass for Australians and Shane still bitter

Jacob Oram’s back is so bad, he is cancelling his modelling shoot on the gold coast, also the cricket tour he was going to play inbetween.

His back has never recovered from all the times he bent it bowling at his top pace.


It is so bad that he can’t play Australia.

Millions of Australian women are crying into their cereal this morning.

Jacob inspired mills & boon books are being burnt.

And women are cancelling their holidays.

An emotionally frail Australia may have been just the meal ticket for the perfect boyfriend.

Although the pitches with bounce might have troubled him, and that could have left Ian Smith in tears, actual man tears.

So perhaps this is all for the best.

New Zealand probably wont beat Australia regardless of the perfect boyfriends condition, but he would have been one of those X Factors I hear so much about.

He could have filled the day with 10 overs of that choking medium pace he likes so much.

And then popped in with the odd cameo when the Aussie bowlers were too tired to bowl short.

Instead he will be at home, and some South African no one in the world cares about will play.

It’s hardly the same thing now is it.

The tour will still be exciting, as Badonkadonk Ryder is involved.

Australia love a opposition cult figure, and the last one to turn up was Monty, and he bored the crap out of them.

So they need a bit of sumtin sumtin, and Jesse should be able to provide said flair.

In more New Zealand cricket news Shane Bond has come out and said he never wants to play for his country again after the way he was treated.

He will play for Indian millionaires though, they rock.

Imagine if all the cricketers in the world decided not to play for their country after they were treated badly.

Pakistan and the West Indies would never field a team.

Australia would have only Probots, more so than now.

And England would have a team of public school boys saying toodle pip and wishing they could be amateurs again.

Remember Shane, your country is more important than bumbling administracrats who can’t even appoint a coach.

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hard to find a man

Australia hadn’t played a test when Byrce McGain was sent home.

Phab Phil Jaques was sent home without any real fanfare.

And now The Perfect Boyfriend, Jacob Oram, the key to New Zealand’s test win is going home.

Add in Stuart Clark’s elbow and the fact Chris Martin, everyone’s favourite guy who looks like a date rapist but is a swell fella, didn’t even make the trip.

Are White players this afraid of Darker nations that they will purposefully injure themselves.


Oram’s injury is his lower back, this would imply that he bent it, we know better.

Jaques injury was his back, this was from imitating the Krab Katich in the nets.

Shaun Marsh has been sent over to replace Jaques.

New Zealand would love to have a player of Shaun Marsh’s calibre as a replacement.

They would love to have a player of his calibre.

They would love to have a player available to send over of any calibre.

They would love players.

They would love a population.

Things have got desperate.

New Zealand has put up an ad in the Wellington Daily Gazette Mail.

Country seeking international cricketer:

The ideal player is someone who cares about others, is able to start things off slowly and defer to Brendan for photo shoots.

Must be: prepared to wear whites, have a knowledge of cricket, looking for a long term commitment, still considers themselves kiwi or willing to pretend or do the accent from time to time, submit to a physical by Ian Smith, likes flight of the conchords, BBM accepted, GSOH and must like Water sports.

Must not be: cops, better than Brendan, not be signed to rebel leagues or English leagues on contracts that can’t be broken, a Marhsall.

Turn ons: draws, one dayers, South African professionals, spinners who become batsmen, the IPL, and glasses.

Turn offs: 4 or 5 test series, specialist openers, anyone too quick, wrist spinners batsmen who show off with averages over 45.

We’ve been hurt before so we want to be sure that I’m completely ready and totally trust a person before we get too involved. We are also looking for someone who likes to travel, but mostly to the white safe countries.

Uniform provided, coach is not.

So far they have received 214 applications, all from M Sinclair.

The search continues.

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