Tag Archives: hansie cronje

cricket pop culture references: teenage mutant ninja turtles (original live action feature film)

Everyone knows that Raphael is the best teenage mutant ninja turtle.

But the makers of the first teenage mutant ninja turtles film tried to ruin that in many ways.

One of which was to make Raphael and whiny loner.

Another was to make him hate cricket.

It all starts when after leaving the other turtles, Raphael (who’s cool but crude) finds himself in a fight with a guy and baseball bats.

The guy is the oddly cast Elias Koteas (who in this film never wants to have sex with anyone involved in an auto vehicular accident) who says “A new game, roundhead (pause, followed by bat twirl), cricket”.

The twirl is by far the most interesting part of this cricket pop culture reference as Elias, an obvious stanislavski disciple, had clearly watched some cricket before playing this role.

This film was released in 1990, the same year that Alec Stewart played his first Test.

It’s clearly not a coincidence that Elias Koteas, or Casey Jones as his character is known, twirls the bat in the exact same way.

Raphael, not perturbed by the uncanny bat twirl, says, “Cricket? Nobody understands cricket. You got to understand what a crumpet is to understand cricket” as Elias taps his bat on his back foot while standing in a fairly common ready to face the ball kind of way.

Any cricket fan hearing someone, even a mutant (not alien) turtle, say something that fucken stupid about the sport they love would be pissed, and Elias certainly is.

Elias then gets down over the bat in a correct way, and uses his feet to come down the wicket (something that Stewart should have tried against Warne) and smashes Raphael in the face who flies through the air and lands in a rubbish bin.

Elias then says, “Ha, six runs”.

While it’s nice that he got the twirl, stance, bat tap and footwork pretty right, perhaps “he’s out caught”, or even just “caught/out” would have been better with Raphael in the bin. Although, we shouldn’t nit pick at such a decent attempt to use cricket in what was a fairly seminal children’s film in the 90s.

It’s also a little known fact that Elias Koteas learnt to love cricket so much because of this scene that he is now trying to write, direct and star in a biopic of Hansie Cronje with a working title of “that damned Hansie”. Elias still hates crumpets.

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What a big day in cricket

There was a time when I tried to cover all the issues in cricket in my own way.

It’s good I don’t anymore as I think today would have killed me.

Warne being fined 50,000 benjamins for knocking an official who on his profile claims to have won a title on his own once is worth a post just so you can talk about how the lost 50Gs might mean some of his face goes back into a normal human facial structure. Although it could stop him from spending his spare 50 large on  cricket betting to make a few extra dollars on the way out, or, it could force his hand to make the money back.

Tony Greig has come out against India ruling the world.  Perhaps they didn’t grovel at his feet enough when he was involved in the rebel league and made out with some fat cash from the ICL.  Greig also called Lillee a bit of a fairy, which is rich from the guy who wore a postman helmet to face him.

Hansie Cronje is in the news again (I mean really, this guy gets more press than Princess Di or 2pac) now he’s winning the Siyabakhumbula Tribute Award.  This award means he’s changed the landscape of the country, I do hope that isn’t a meta joke about his plane crash. And if you’re disgusted by my behaviour on that last line, the devil made me do it, and now I’ve found God and shit.

Stuart Clark is retiring from cricket to become a cricket administrator, but still reserves the right to play if NSWales need him.  It’s a very similar situation to Michael Jordan’s role at the Washington BulletsWizards, except Stuart Clarke isn’t cool, and won’t sell many Sydney Sixers shirts. Clark also retired from international cricket in one of the least needed statements in human history.

Danish Kaneria can’t play for Pakistan because of being too close to the grift Mervyn Westfield is accused of. Zulqarnain Zully Q-Dawg Haider may also not be allowed to play for Pakistan because he didn’t want to be involved in a grift. “Wanna bet” is the most loaded innocent phrase you can say in the Pakistani changeroom right now. The PCB is like every coke addled bi-polar girlfriend you’ve ever been afraid of.  I expect my lawsuit is on the way, Ijaz?

Stuart Law called England the number 1 team in the world because Sri Lanka are playing them.  Managing expectations is only a press conference away.

Also, just for something different, some in the West Indies doesn’t like someone else in the West Indies.  It might not have been in the news, but I’m sure it’s accurate.

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the south african jesus & the latest CWB competition

Competition details at the bottom.

You remember Hansie Cronje don’t you.

He’s dead now, apparently neither satan or jesus could save him.

Outside of South Africa he is thought of as a dirty match fixing fucker.

Inside South Africa he is thought of as a hero and a one wayward christian soldier who did very little wrong other than a bit of match fixing.

History depends on how your write it, or in this case, how you film it.

So when Frans Cronje, brother of Hansie, and acclaimed Christian Auteur making a film about his brother you know it’s going to be a fair and balanced film on a match fixer.

It is called Hansie, brillaint.

This is the tagline “The legacy of a hero, the story of a man”.


The first line in the plot says “How do you start over once you have betrayed a nation’s trust?”.

The answer is by finding jesus.

But apparently the film delves slightly deeper than that.

Francois Rautenbach is Hansie, and he was also in Faith like Potatoes a Christian film festival winning film made by Frans.

Jonathon Hearns plays Steve Waugh, and his major role was playing Market patron in King Solomon’s Mines, a role he received rave reveiws for.

Hearns is South African, apparently they couldn’t find an Australian born again Christian actor to play Waugh.

Can’t wait for the accent.

Here is a special competition for Cricket With Balls fans.

Anyone who can get me an advanced copy of this film on DVD before it hits the screens will receive a song written about their favourite player, team, or country (no matter how much i may hate them).

Burn it, steal it, get saved by Jesus, I don’t care, i need to see this film.


Boxing Day Test #2

The second Test match in progress, beginning on Boxing day is out of South Africa, with the home nation hosting the once mighty West Indies.

The West Indies were sent in and quite suprisingly have made a very strong fist of things up until tea time. Gayle and Ganga, a ying and yang combination if you have ever seen one, put on a very solid and relatively risk free 98 for the first wicket. Gayle contributed 66 and Ganga 33.

Dale Steyn has continued his good form bowling fast, but at times a little wayward. Marlon Samuels has moved onto a well made 45 and the great rock Chanderpaul has just joined him at the crease. This pair has seen the score move onto 3/193.

The immortal Graeme Smith has reached a milestone, captaining South Africa for the 50th time in Test cricket……..quite amazing for a no talent thug wanna be. He moves within 3 Tests of tieing the equally impressive individual, the late great Hansie Cronje, who we all remember for almost single handedly ruining the great game of Test cricket.

This one may be worth watching in the coming days, if the West Indies can hold their nerve………

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South Africa – the parasite of international cricket

It’s common knowledge that us three stooges – that being Uncle J-Rod, Sime and myself (Big Daddy) have an absolute hatred for South Africa. I thought its about time that I gave my reasons, (obvious to the general public) but those that need to be jammed down people’s throats every now and again. These are in no particular order – just coming up with them off the top of my head.

  1. Hansie Cronje – why is that even criminals aren’t praised after death
  2. Herschelle Gibbs – the idiot “forgot” to get out and is still $hit-scared about going to India – why would that be
  3. They forced the Duckworth Lewis disease to come into the game after whinging at the 92 World Cup
  4. Jacques Kallis – the most selfish player in international cricket – even Bevan didn’t bat for his average as much as this tosser does
  5. That they consistently choke – that is not a bad thing – it just really wastes all our time
  6. Andre Nel – pull the plug someone – or at least smack in the head on his follow through
  7. The fact that Barry Richards is lauded in the batting averages lists – the w@anker only played four friggin tests
  8. Their stupid philosophy of having coloured players in the side – once again not a bad thing – it just really wastes all our time
  9. Makhaya Ntini – convicted of rape, then acquitted – hang on – did Judge Schneider just return from holidays at Lake Springfield and claim “boys will be boys” at the request of Lisa Simpson. A nice role model for all young coloured players who will no doubt get a game as part of point 8.
  10. They think they are good!!!!

There are plenty more, but you’re the ones that will hopefully sift through these.

The only saving grace about this “whole in the world” is that Uncle J-Rod and I were able to witness probably the greatest innings in one-day cricket history in March 03 at the Wanderers when the Aussies flogged India to 2/359 – it was an absolute priviledge to be there and almost as good to stick it up all the South Africans who were gutted that the weak ba$tards couldn’t even reach the super sixes!!!!!

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is it racist to hate the south africans?

This is the question I have often pondered over the years.

Sure they are evil, but to purely not like someone because they come from South Africa does have a racist slant on it.

What about if you can justify it purely on the cricket team?

Still racist, well its not monkey slur, but it’ll do.

So why do I hate South Africans, I can narrow it down to two events.

Kepler Wessels bagging Australia after going back to South Africa, even after they let the untalented pr1ck open for them.

And Brian McMillan’s hissy fit in the 92 world cup. Everyone knew it was going to rain num nuts, everyone knew the rain rule was flawed and favoured the side batting first. So why send the other side in and then sook about it.

These are trivial events that won’t sway a neutral person, so now I’ll use the big cannons.

South Africa’s opening bowler, and most popular sportsmen, Ntini, is a convicted rapist. Not alleged, but convicted, who was only let out of jail, after being found not guilty on a technicality.

Hansie Cronje ran over a small child and killed it. He says it was an accident, but he was heard to say ‘what were the odds of that happening” shortly afterwards.

Graham Smith is an @sshole. That is all.

Herchelle Gibbs accepted money to throw his innings, and sell out his country. Then he didn’t even do that right. You can’t trust him if youre a bookie or a cricket fan.

KP is South African.

Andre Nel is a serial killer. I have no proof, but look at his eyes.

Their ex coach, and a nice guy, Bob Woolmer was found dead in a hotel room. Coincidence that the South Africans were in the region at the same time, I’ll let you be the judge.

Tony Greig is South African, and a pervert.

Hansie Cronje was a match fixer, who then became a born again Christian (a worse crime?), before he faked his own death and is now living in a ménage a trois with Princess Di and 2pac.

Jacques Kallis is really boring.

And between you and I, an ex Victorian Legend suspects one of their players is a terrorist.

To top all this off, this week they beat an Australian domestic team savagely. New Zealand is the least populated state of Australia, they only have 300 residents, and so to embarrass them like that is quite unnecessary.

I think they made Daniel Vettori cry.

This blog can also been seen on Sportsfreak

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