Tag Archives: gautam gambhir

Gambhir’s thoughtcrime

I can say that Rajasthan Royals are ordinary.

So you can.

You can point to any number of facts:

The fact they have lost more games than they have won.

Their gun strike bowler goes at 8 and half runs an over.

Their batting was reliant on one big hitter and their keeper, now they have added Watson to it.

People keep making encouraging noises about Michael Lumb, almost ignoring the fact he hasn’t gone beyond 45 and averages 23.

Warne’s shoulder seems to almost detach after each delivery.

The Damien Martyn experiment failed, surprising everyone.

Adam Voges is there best-performed player, and they don’t pick him.

They’re the very definition of ordinary.

When they do win, it needs to be a special effort from Yusuf or one of those terribly earnest team efforts where everyone does well.

They could still come good, there is no reason why they couldn’t slip into fourth place, actually there are many reasons why they couldn’t, but they still could.

So if you are asked about them, you can call them ordinary.

Unless you happen to be an IPL captain, then you can’t.

Gautum City Gambhir was asked about Rajasthan, he said they were ordinary, actually he said this, “I think Rajasthan was never a threat. Except for Yusuf Pathan, the other guys were pretty ordinary. We thought Yusuf was the only danger-man and didn’t bother too much about anyone else”.

That is the truth.

Not the universal truth, but that is what Gambhir thought, then he said it, people nodded, and Lalit Modi got angry.

Perhaps Lalit got angrier because his team is Rajasthan, or perhaps he got angry because someone inside the bubble dared say anything negative about the IPL.

Either way, it is the sort of thing anyone who hates the IPL expects Lalit to do.

They expect him to be this Orwellian evil figure that punishes people for daring to do anything less than continue to believe in his own magnificence.

He plays the role so well.

Ofcourse Gambhir should be allowed to say Rajasthan are ordinary.

I can see why he shouldn’t be allowed to say something like, “Fuck me, I couldn’t believe how Fucken shit they all were.  It was like playing against a special needs team.  The only bright light in this team, other than Warne’s radioactive teeth, is Yusuf, and the big fucker can’t play a short ball. No, they is the rubbish, complete dribble, we had to be careful not to laugh at them when the cameras panned in our direction, you could call them ordinary, but you’d be being nice.  To be honest, I only play in this shit cause I want to build a grotto in my back yard, otherwise I’d be in Mauritius having a holiday”.

But he didn’t, he just said ordinary, and then was fined, by the ex-president of Rajasthan Cricket Association.

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The Ultimate IPL Guide: Delhi Daredevils

Sex Bomb

Porn Star: Virender Sehwag

Twenty20 cricket was invented for him, not that he would notice, he bats the same way in all forms of cricket.

Pole Dancer: Gautam Gambhir

Hard to ever notice him in the colossal shadow of Sehwag but is now one of the best batsmen in the world. Scores a lot, and quickly.

Boy Next Door: Amit Mishra

Destroyed Australia with his legspin, and should be Delhi’s front line spinner. Is a genuine wicket taking package.

Model: David Warner

Bought before he took Steyn down, probably as a back up batsmen. Hard to see him playing too much in this side, but probably better to have him in the sheds than bowling to him on a bad day.

Home made/Amateur: Dirk Nannes

A dirty, brutal, 2020 force of nature. The best domestic 2020 bowler in the world finally in the biggest tournament in the world.

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The IPL Ad Break- Brought to you buy Pepsi, DLF, and Lalit Modi’s smile.

Frankly I am shocked.

I thought the IPL was a principled cricket league that believed in more than just the money.

Ok no one will say that.

The powers that Bcci, are just not content with merely adding advertising to the commentary, they have decided to add a 7.5 minute ad break to each innings.

L Ron (Big Al Stanford) must be pissed he never thought of his.

The over rates in last years IPL were dreadful, a supposed 3 hour game pushed to 4 repeatedly, can’t see how adding an ad’s break will speed that up.

Probably wont be good for the hamstrings on the older players either, 7 and a half minutes standing around in that brisk autumn air, and then diving for a ball at mid wicket.

But if the do tear a hamstring, the IPL can then superimpose an ad for deep heat onto the hamstring during the replays.

Hopefully the time will be used wisely, 5 minutes of advertising followed by a public service announcement about the health problems cricketers can face when they share boxes.

There are still several advertising options the IPL hasn’t thought of.

The best would would be giving players a name sponsor.

SMS datechat Shane Warne sends one down.

DC Comics Gatuam Gambhir is looking super today.

That is a huge one from Viagra’s Chris Gayle.

What a rip snorter from Columbia’s Shoaib Ahktar.

A divine shot from Catholic Church Matthew Hayden.

See, Lalit, you can do way more.

You can even put sticky take on the players faces, although some players do that for free.

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Indian’s will draw for sure

As I have been so on song in this game, i thought I would give one more guess as to what the result would be.

INDIA WILL HANG ON FOR DRAW.

They can’t lose from here.

Not possible.

Easy draw.

May not even lost a wicket today.

Gauta City may make a triple hundred.

By lunch.

I am feeling old today, as I can remember the old days when pitches used to get harder to bat on.

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Someone has a sense of humour

India v England, 2nd Test, Mohali, 1st day

Gambhir, Dravid light up gloomy day

Top knock from Gotham city.

Bakced up well by the cadaver with a bat in Dravid.

But light up?

With strike rates of 46 and 31, they couldn’t light up my asshole by sticking a torch up there.

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Gautam City stands up for elbows

“Frankly, I don’t regret the Watson episode.”

It would have been better if he had slipped in a ‘my dear’ after frankly.

“No gentleman can hear things that Aussies were saying in Delhi.”

Is he saying Gentleman don’t have hearing.

Probably not, but no gentleman throws elbows either.

But that’s ok.

Gentlemen are pansies, and there is no place for them in test cricket.

Gautam is a full blown test player, and they come with elbows and tongues.

Thank fuck for that.

To quote a cheesy NBA ad, I love this game.

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a modern love story about sledging

I love sledging.

It is great.

Test Cricket would be poorer if it were not there.

Soft players like Graeme Hick might have had careers.

Yuck.

So when Albie “I don’t need to hear from Gautam” Sachs comes in and says it is against the spirit of the game, he goes straight into my Peter Roebuck file.

Spirit of the game, spirit of my asshole.

I am so sick of this bullshit.

Sledging has always happened, back in the day it was more gentlemanly by-play, and it included things like, here is my bunny and I’ll bet you a thruppunenny you can’t hit my wicket ol’ chap.

Times have changed, and so has the language.

Sledging has a limit, racism is out, homophobia will be next.

No one likes to see a batsman be sent off.

And other people probably have limits that I don’t care about.

Gautam City Gambhir has made his name in this series.

Before this he was a fringe test batsman with a good white ball record.

Everyone could see his talent, but he couldn’t quite make it happen in tests.

He looked good early on against Australia, but they talked him out of his innings.

The minute he stopped scoring freely they were all over him, and he fell for it.

Then he stood up, and he used the sledging to focus himself, and suddenly the boy who couldn’t make a test century become the man who made a double ton.

Did he let it get to him, yes.

And physically that manifested itself as an angry elbow.

But he used it to urge him on as well, who knows if he would have had a series like this if the Australians didn’t force him to concentrate.

Now he leaves this series as a proper test batsman.

One who can take all the shit thrown at him, and make runs at the highest level.

Tis a beautiful thing this sledging is.

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Elbows are evil, obviously

We all see cricket differently.

The ICC saw Gautam city’s elbow tap on Shane Watson, and suspended him from the test.

I saw it and thought it was pretty cool.

Apparently Gambhir broke one of Peter Roebuck’s spirit of cricket rules.

Peter offered to spank him, but the ICC thought the adequate punishment was missing what is now the most important test in a dull series.

Why?

Batsman have been giving bowlers an ‘accidental elbow’ since WG Grace was eating 5 chickens for dinner.

Ever tried to get on the tube with elbows, not possible.

Elbows are an part of everyday life.

And bowlers deserve the odd one, as do politicians, pop singers, and old people.

It keeps them on their toes.

Shane Watson deserves way more than one.

A man with his bowling ability who sledges deserves a penile lobotomy.

Gambhir did not have the tools to carry out such a procedure on the field, so instead he elbowed him.

Would appear to be harmless enough, but someone rattled the fun polices cage and they decided that children might take this new elbow craze to the streets.

Mass panic would ensue.

Elbows, part of the axis of evil, can be used for all sorts of terrorist related activities as well.

And thusly must be outlawed from cricket, and school yards.

So Gambhir, if you ever play again, I suggest using your shoulder.

That is still ok, I guess.

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the Gautham city Joe Biden

Indian cricket is full of big names, big performances, big egos and big ass clowns.

One man seems to more of a doer, and less of a God-like being.

Sehwag is the Barack O’Bama figure, it doesn’t really matter what he does, the people want him at all times. That doesn’t mean that this story doesn’t end with a bang.

Ganguly is the Sarah Palin one, not the brightest or the best, but boy does he look good in a bikini and rub people up the wrong way.

Ol’ John McCain is Ol’ Sachin Tendulkar, been there a long time, steady like a freight train and loved fanatically by those who are fanatical by nature.

Gambhir though is hardly spoken of.

He is there, we have seen the scorecards, and he is important, we have reviewed the scorecards, but he doesn’t get the fan fare.

Occasionally he is prone to en emabarrsing gaffe, and is not afraid to get down and dirty, but at the moment he is the quiet achjiever.

Others may get the plaudits, but without him on the ballot, Barack would be light on.

Were Sehwag to get assassinated, again, Gautham may not be the man you want to take over, but that does not mean he wouldn’t do a damn fine job.

I think he is ready to handle the launch codes.

And to complete the metaphor, Dravid is Al Gore, VVS is Bill Clinton, and Dhoni is Hilary.

Ofcourse.

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