Tag Archives: eng vs bang

To the Desh

For months I have been living in a endless spire of two particular countries playing each other over and over again with the result ever changing. Today I had to give up a ame of cricket because I can’t move my neck, so the last thing I wanted, was to watch another one sided bashing of young kids.

The team that was losing is very likeable, they have a breath taking opening batsmen, a hard working all rounder as captain and a bunch of kids who all have some talent but didn’t look ready.

Then there was the coach, that embittered bald angry violent scowling hard man who had given three years of his life and probably a easier job somewhere else because he wants to make this a tough side to beat. He becomes the face of the team because he can’t hide his emotions and tells it like it is in interviews.

When the other hangers on cheered his opener’s many runs from front and square on the balcony, the coach was usually nowhere to be seen or way in the background gently clapping while the others celebrated like they had won the Ashes, World Cup, World T20 Asia Cup in one go. He expects these guys to make big scores, and doesn’t get carried away.

On Thursday this team started their third series against England this year, it has been 247 days since they have one an international match, they’ve never beaten England and yet again their opposition treat them like a joke by resting their ket batsmen and bowler.

It should have just been a continuation of defeat.

But there were changes made, the captain was given a break so another all rounder could come in and captain his side while making about his 17th comeback from injury.

He didn’t captain like they couldn’t lose this game, he captained like they had a real chance.

Their batting was plucky and safe, their main man hadn’t fired but they had 236.

A team that has performed this bad in the recent past shouldn’t be able to defend 236, but they kept hanging in, taking wickets, playing as a team, they even had time to give a mate an over for fun.

They had an ally in the opposition. A grizzled batsman who seemed to be batting for his career and not quite thinking.  The opposition also lost a man to injury during the game and their big middle order weapon never fired.

That didn’t mean this team of underdogs had it easy, it still went to the wire.

With 8 balls to go they looked like their team performance was in vain, but they kept at it, and they even had a moment of premature-celebration when they took the 9th wicket assuming the injured batsman would not come in.

He did, and that must have put them young team off.  Two balls later the opposition only needed 6 runs off 4 balls, and it looked all over.

That was the moment when the big bad old boy of world cricket steals the game and leaves the fans with nothing but embarrassment at ever having hope.

Instead a slower ball was bowled, the only opposition batsman that really scored was caught behind and this nation finally beat their one bogey side.

It was just a one dayer in just another meaningless series, but when they won it was everything.

The players celebrated like they had never won before, the coach transformed from the most miserable man in cricket to its happiest, the support staff were so happy they were almost hurting each other with bear hugs.

This isn’t going to change this team.

The next game against England isn’t going to be magically easier, this young side isn’t about to take world cricket by storm, but when you haven’t won in 247 days, a win is a massive event.

Maybe this will give them confidence, maybe it will be a blip.

But when this side wins a match cricket fan’s smile, and that is a good thing.

Well done, boys.  And I think I speak for almost everyone who loves cricket when I say that.

My neck is still very fucken sore, but now it is sore from screaming like a dickhead when you took that wicket.

Now, how about one more win?

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Rahim’s fingers

There was a moment on the last day when Mushfiqur Rahim kept getting hit on the fingers.

It wasn’t some important moment in the game. Bangladesh had already batted like left handed children using right handed scissors for the first time. The players and reporters were already preparing for their days off. Cleaners were coming into place. Old Trafford’s accountants were working out how much they had lost. And the sky programmers were busy planning back ups.

All of this was put on hold as Ajmal Shahzad kept hitting Rahim’s little fingers.

Shahzad is playing his first test, he has a first class bowling average of 33, without injuries he is about the 8th choice bowler in England’s attack. Yet on this day he regular beat up the hands of Rahim.

Rahim who has the best footwork of any Bangladeshi by so far that if Uday Hussain’s nephew was to start coaching the team and cut Rahim’s feet off, Rahim would still have the best footwork.

It seemed that the only thing delaying England’s win was Rahim walking around in pain or calling for the physio.

England knocked Bangladesh down, held back the one kid who could fight and let their wimpier kids kick the living shit out of them for a couple of hours.

Bangladesh have good days in test cricket, this wasn’t one of them.

Their last 19 wickets went for 213 runs.

But it was Rahim’s fingers that took the biggest beating.

With the game over he could have backed away and slogged like others did after him.

Rahim just kept getting behind the ball, kept taking the ball on his gloves, kept trying not to show the pain and played out 42 balls before he was eventually caught at mid on chipping a ball.

It was Bangladesh. A mediocre innings of much pain that meant nothing and gave even less.

Bangladesh lost in an embarrassing way.

Siddons is closer to going.

Tamim continued the rise.

And Rahim has sore fingers.

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Previously at Old Trafford

Bangladesh

Tamim is a world class batsmen, Shakib is very smart bowler and Bangladesh often play cricket like a bunch of kids who turned up at the park.

England

Seem to crawl up into a ball and cry when Tamim bats, but luckily Bangladesh helped them with the rest.  Swann’s five for and Bell’s hundred seemed like gifts.

Can Bangladeshi draw?

No. Poor little fellas. Watching them lose 9 for way fucken less than they should have was horrible.

Play of the day

You have to give Matt Prior credit, he played as slow and carefully as he could, and then did a Mike Gatting in the 90s. As he walked off he looked at the screen in disbelief at the level of stupidity he showed. I bet Craig K had a smile on his face.

Testicular moment of the day

Tamim wears his underwear on his outside.

Working class moment

Bangladesh win this award today. They’re like the scummy family from the shit part of town who is mostly full of complete losers that would steal your car and leave vomit in the back seat. Shakib and Tamin are the two who get good jobs and move to the nicer parts of town.

Question of the day

Why does Shahzad’s head look so weird on cricinfo?

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The time has come for Crashraful

Almost since the first time I saw Crashraful bat, I liked him.

Back then he was a cocky mentalist with a taste for the flashiest shots of pure madness.

He could make a cut shot as addictive as heroin.

Everyone who saw him on song couldn’t help but be amazed.

Now he is shit.

I could write more than shit, I could explain about how he leaves balls that are going to hit his stumps, plays shots that can only get him out, and walks out to the wicket like a man who was getting paid 1000 bucks to cut his favourite auntie’s head off.

But shit does it.

At Lord’s in the second innings Crashraful played some of the prettiest shots you could see, then he went out.

Usually you just go out.

I can’t think of a test cricketer that leaves the ball worse than Ashraful. It isn’t leaving the ball in the channel outside off; it is imitating Christopher Walken in Deer Hunter.

While he was once an attacking batsman like Bangladesh’s current superstar Tamim, now he is either an out of form slogger, or a befuddled middle order village batsman.

Not even a good one.

In the last 3 years Crash has played 17 tests for one score over 50. In none of the last three years has he averaged over 16.

There is a chance that this is all a phase. The equivalent of a middle class teenager with a pink Mohawk with pierced testicles.

The problem is that after 55 tests he averages 22.

Shit.

Even though I have always liked him, I think my time is up.

I can’t watch him suffer like this any more.

So I’ve decided to take Crashraful to the vet, give him a long pat on the head, tell him everything will be ok, and leave before the Vet puts him to sleep.

Sure, I’ll feel guilty for a while, but I think it is for the best.

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KP is human, and that unsettles me

There is something wonderfully insane about KP.

Sure you can pick on the old hairstyle, stupid tattoo, celebrity lady, mincing or what ever it is you’ve decided is the thing that pisses you off.

Most of us just assume he isn’t quite human.

He doesn’t quite feel right.

So today, once Shafiul Islam had bowled himself into the ground, KP looked around and realised that he was facing three spinners who he played like they weren’t spinning the balls, and Shahadat Hossain who was struggling to do anything.

He could have taken the Ian Bell route. Nudged the ball around. Scored at will with a field set back. Eased the crowd in a gentle but deep sleep. Made sure he kept his head. Milked the poor bowling.

People do this in life. It isn’t bad, it’s work. They know their bosses are watching and that a steady consistent performance will give them results, no matter how boring the job is.

KP seems almost unable to bat when he is bored.

Instead of pushing it around, he lifted the ball over the off and on side for fun, even with fielders out. He made 64 off 81 while the rest of the team batted line prozac users.

After lunch he charged, hoiked and slogged the spinners.

He scored 48 off 42 balls from them.

For most of those 42 balls he looked very bored.

Occasionally he would start to come down the wicket before the ball was bowled, there was unnecessary shots across the line, and hitting balls in the air for fun.

The fact that, yet again, he went out to a left arm bowler seems to be less the story than how bored he looked in the middle.

His dismissal came from him charging down the wicket, getting out played by Shakib, and then KP standing mid pitch with only one hand on the bat as he was stumped.

But here is the rub, in almost every way KP is some sort of alien insect being. Most of us would never think of KP as someone like us.

Yet, how many of us have done a shit job at work because of boredom. How many times have you played it fast and loose with some tedious job only to fuck it up? Is it possible that you believed a task was beneath you, and you yawned your way towards doing it badly?

I always get bored, I fuck up all menial jobs, and my whole working life was doing shit at work. I am sure I am not alone.

If you haven’t done any of these, you are probably related to Mike Hussey.

For the rest of us, this is a sick realization, because if you think about it, there is more than a little bit of KP in you.

Somehow it was easier to just think he was alien.

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Previously at Lord’s

Bangladesh

Had a Tamim inspired day. It also clear they like even numbers when it comes to test days.

England

Finished the tail off well, but yet again lost their way when the ball wasn’t moving around. 4 bowlers?

Can Bangladeshi still draw?

Yes, well I hope so. Cause that would be cool. They could win too, and I could become a beauty queen.

Play of the day

The Lord’s announcers and Sky said that Robbie Earl was batting when that mullet and lack of facial hair was clearly Rubel. I understand the confusion though, those rubbish Deshi seamers all look the same to me too.

Testicular moment of the day

Tamim. That is all.

Working class moment

Junaid is not a good batsman, at the moment anyway. He still scores a lot from edges, seems unable to take the initiative off of bowlers, and generally gets in his own way. Yet in his last 5 innings against England he has fought and fought to make 106, 39,34, 58 and currently 66*. He has a strong moral fibre to his batting, but a batting average in test cricket of 28.

Question of the day

If Tamim’s innings wasn’t enough to get Jamie Siddon’s cheering on the balcony, what would be?

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Tamim Iqbal – batting psycho

I loved Tamim before today.

But today has made me a stalker.

That wasn’t an innings that was a masterclass in mentalness.

It was miss or boundary.

There is something not quite right in the head of Tamim.  But if anyone ever tries to fix it I shall beat them the way he beats balls wide of off stump.

My favourite moments with him aren’t when he plays an amazing pull or cut shot, it is when his adrenaline is pumping and he cannot physically contain himself.

You can see him twitching.  With one good shot he suddenly feels invincible and then when he gets length balls he plays shots number 10s would be embarrassed to play.

My favourite is his forced on the up slog drives. Sometimes with one hand on the bat, sometimes with the bat rotating around his hands, but never with control or skill.

That is when I swoon.

Because the man can almost do anything with the bat in his hand, but the mentalness takes over and he creates something else.  Something disgusting, something stupid, something gloriously fucked up, and that is where the genius is, in the fucked up.

You are watching a batting pyshco, someone who will lift a fast bowler from outside offs tump over mid on’s head for a test century.

He gets the rage, and the ball must go.  By any means necessary.

It is a sickness, I am surer there are termites crawling under his skin when he is at the crease, and I love every minute of it.

Tamim is tearing test cricket apart this year, in a side that hardly deserves to be in it.  India, England and New Zealand have had to deal with this man.

You can set up a plan to beat him, but you might lose a few men in the chase.

We have a new prophet of Sehwagology.

Bow.

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Previously at Lord’s

Bangladesh

Had it rained all day and four of their players caught venereal diseases it would have been a far better day for them.

England

Bowled like they should have on day one.
Can Bangladeshi still draw?

Shakib and an Uzi would be needed again.

Play of the day

Being at the ground the play of the day for me was when the Compton stand turned a steward into a superstar by chanting for him to stand up or wave in the drunken after noon. I also saw a women get up to cheer Trott diving near the boundary only for her to sit down where her chair no longer was.

Testicular moment of the day

Finn did well, but that is hardly worthy a testicular. Maybe it should go to Bowden for testing the patience of the crowd with several light decisions.

Working class moment

Ashraful, so full of promise, so prone to stupidity, and now the umpires gang up on him as well.

Question of the day

Should batsmen be able to lodge a complaint if they go out and 30 seconds later it is too dark to play? Or at least, punch the umpire with their non preferred hand in the nuts?

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Previously at Lord’s

Bangladesh

They might leave this series with nothing but several room service bills with Porn charges, but today they played a good day of test cricket. They should be proud.

England

Seemed uninterested in really moving the game on.  Seemed muddled.  Seemed to have no back up plan when hitting the deck short of a length didn’t work.  Seemed to miss the 5th bowler.

Can Bangladeshi still draw?

Yes they can, and Shakib hasn’t even entered the pitch with his Uzi yet.

Play of the day

Any play of the day would be over shadowed by Johan Botha’s fine work.  However I did really enjoy Jamie Siddon’s trying to get a message across by punching his hand on the Lord’s balcony.

Testicular moment of the day

Tamim Iqbal is Bangladesh’s franchise batsmen.  Unlike most of the others, he doesn’t just have the skill to stay in at the crease or play big shots, he has the skill to do both. Sure he is sort of like a ferret being dropped down your trousers, but he can really play.  This was an important innings for him, his first at Lord’s, and he could have tensed up.  Instead he did what he did against England at home and played beautiful attacking cricket until running himself out.  He owes himself a hundred at a ground like this.

Working class moment

Imrul Kayes has the record of a plucky number 10 batsmen, but he opens the batting.  In the home series he got himself in the way of the ball and looked proper shit scared like of short pitch bowling.  Yesterday he never looked like scoring much (or hitting Jimmy Anderson at all) but he did stick around for way longer than he usually does. This meant he scored his top score in test cricket. 43.  OK, it is still pretty shit, but the boy didn’t look scared which is a step up for him.

Question of the day

How good will the playdoh tigers have to be for Jamie Siddon’s to clap them off the ground from the balcony tomorrow?

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