Tag Archives: doug bollinger

What cricketer would you turn gay for, pick carefully

I put up a link to Ant Sims’ new blog about Chris Gayle on twitter and @mediagag said that he would totally turn gay for Chris Gayle.

I wouldn’t, but I get it.

So here is my guide for what players you should turn gay for depending on what kind of sex you’re looking for.

Brendan Nash – If you’re looking for a doting partner who will always cuddle with you, Nash is your man.  Will do everything he needs to do to make sure you are happy.  He’s not stylish or that sexy, but he’s a good bloke.  The second hand Volvo of Gay sex.

Shahid Afridi – rough sex in the back of a taxi, random encounters in parks and lewd relations in shady hotels, he offers it all.  If you’re looking for no commitment and short sharp burst, Afiridi is your man.  May leave you unsatisfied at times, but that’s part of the fun.  Is most probably a selfish top.

Peter Borren – do you like to feel intimidated by your partner?  Some men would need to tie you up and put ball gags in your mouth to make you feel subservient to them, with Borren, it’s just one look.  Ofcourse, not perfect for introducing to your parents, as he will scare them to death.

Sachin Tendulkar – Who doesn’t want to fuck the most famous man in cricket.  I can’t imagine that in life Sachin does anything badly, so that should mean that in bed he’s a cracker at the sexy sexing.  Bonus points for fucking a living God.

Doug Bollinger – Not everyone wants a thinking man, some want one who is all about actions.  Douggie is perfect for this.  If you can rate someone in bed by the way they dance, Douggie is hilarious in bed.  He’s a man’s man, he’ll try all day, he’s willing to fix his appearance and he’ll make you laugh.  Like a pet that is house trained that you can legally fuck.

Jesse Ryder – cricket’s most eligible bear.  If you’re a cub looking for a big strong man to place it in your gaps, Jesse has to be the man you want.

JP Duminy – Perhaps the opposite of a bear, he’s a twink.  Having still not completely come to terms with his game, so now is the perfect time to become his sugar daddy and take care of him.  Buy him a car, show him how to face the short ball and watch how he performs for you.

Salman Butt – fuck him.  Hard.

Ajantha Mendis – looking for something a little different, freaky, and mysterious.  Mendis’ fingers have it all.  Although, once you’ve worked out all his little tricks, you can always move on to Randiv or Herath.

And ladies, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, if you’re a lady looking to go gay, may I suggest…

Claire Taylor – Probably the biggest catch in world cricket if you’re a woman looking to turn.  She is perfect in every single situation.  You could claim that she isn’t the most stylish, but her results speak for themselves.  Taylor will think herself through every situation, which bodes well for the boudoir.

Mithali Raj – If you’re not as worried about performance, but just want the best looking woman on your arm as you enter the clubs, Mithali is that.  Her cover drive is so sexy that if the entire world watched it together it would create a tsunami of sex juice that would kill us all.  Probably more interested in looking good than being good, but that’s why you turned for her in the first place.

Personally, I turned gay for a pull shot from Matthew Elliott against Allan Donald, alas, the pull shot didn’t have any feelings for me.  So I decided I’d have to become straight.

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Douggie Dances

People often ask me about Douggie B.

I’ve never known how to really answer them.

But then some phone company answered it for me, through the medium of dance.

If you spent your first viewing looking at anything other than Douggie, you’re a stronger person than me.

It wasn’t until the 5th time I watched it I even saw Michael Clarke trying to be too cool for school on the right.

The lesson for all viral marketers here is simple, promote any product you want with Douggie Bollinger dancing and you’ll have me playing it.

Had I know he could dance like this, I would have paid him to dance at my wedding.

If you see Douggie this summer, I suggest just putting a few bucks down his trousers and seeing if he performs.

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balls profile: Doug Bollinger

Doug Bollinger has been proving the Sampson fairy-tale since his international career began.   He has the face of an angry baby, and sometimes the temper and temperament of one.  There have been team mates, opposition players, media, people who met him once at a party and general fans who have said that Douggie can be prone to hilarious stupidity.  They could be wrong and he could be an evil genius who has spent his whole life tricking people into thinking he is stupid to out think batsmen when he makes test cricket. It’s possible.  His left arm pace bowling is in your face, like a inappropriate friend of your fathers who speaks loudly an inch away from you.

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Australia fail in 20 over chase

New Zealand set Australia 106 to chase, but even though it was only marginally more than 5 runs an over Australia could not get over the line. Australia’s record in 20 over chases outside Australia continues to be quite shit.

Phil Hughes, who sees all innings as auditions for the IPL incase he gets bad press again, was at his attacking best. In two overs he inspired 23 runs off New Zealand’s most trusted bowlers. This included a smack over mid on for six from Vettori and his normal ugly effectiveness against the quicks. Hughes bludgeoned 86 off 75 balls.

At the other end, Katich protested the whole 20 over concept, his strike rate of 27 was a personal statement on what form of cricket he likes best. Katich was in his complete krab like mode and refused to even pretend to score runs. In the past this would have lead to a fantastic collapse from Australia, but Hughes youthful excitement made the 20 over chase a possibility at times.

While Australia did miss out on winning in 20 overs, they won the moral victory by winning the test. Doug Bollinger kissed his underwear after the match and Ryan Harris’ chest swelled so much that no one could fit in the change room.

New Zealand’s two cricketers, Prince Brendon and Dictator Dan, must be a little disappointed that their side made 564 in total, being that they made 42% of them (I think that is right) between the two of them. Vettori is thinking of changing the batting order for the next match with Tuffey to go in at 3 and for Ingram to bowl medium pace when the other bowlers are tired.

Only the carrot of the IPL can keep the smiles on the faces of the New Zealand middle order marvels.

This game might seem like just another test, but it could be the last time Australia ever enforces the follow on. Even though they won by 10 wickets with their dicks in the air, it must have made them nervous once the chase went over 100. Their nerves must be shot.

It should also be mentioned that Phil Hughes now averages 51.25 in test cricket. It doesn’t mean much, but it makes me smile a little.

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Australia WIN

They beat Pakistan.


Douggie Bollinger gets wickets.

Michael Clarke and Shane Watson share huge partnership.

Saeed Ajmal is still hard to play.

But he can’t take a wicket.

That is all I spose.

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Lee out, still

Something weird is happening with Brett Lee at the moment.

Not sure what that is.

He was fit enough to fly to south africa and train with the team.

But since then, he has not been picked as a back up pacemen, and is now out of Australia’s middle east trip.

Did Brett push too hard?

He does look like the sort of guy who means well but sabotages himself by trying too hard.

You know what I mean, the guy who keeps calling and calling the girl, turning her from interested to repulsed, even though she knows he means well.

So now he will miss out on the IPL green, and the gold of Australia.

Lee’s absence from the desert matches means that this is now truly an Australian ‘A’ side.

Douggie Bollinger has been called up as he is the only fast bowler with a pulse not currently being rested or out injured.

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Blogger goes on tour

Not me, shame.

But Brett Geeves.

Douggie Bollinger has injured himself in a nasty incident involving Ricky Ponting’s bat cone.

He won’t be fit for the next match, and may not be for the last one.

So Brett Geeves is heading over.

His 6/47 against the Vics probably helped.

Your welcome Brett.

He has 37 wickets at 23 this season, and has been bowling pretty well.

Plus matching 99*s.

His selection ahead of Magoffin, Dorey and Nannes shows a change in selectorial bias.

The selectors are now looking towards the future more and more, and it seems, towards anyone who can roughly be called an allrounder.

Except Ashley Noffke, he is just ignored, you can kill yourself now Ashley.

Nathan Bracken just wishes he could bat.

And that someone in charge would trust him with a red ball.

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Australia A – the verdict

The “A” side is off to India, and with Australia looking as fragile as they have in a long time, this could be an “A” team that ends up in the test arena.

What I think the team will be.

Katich (NSW) captain & opening bat, Peter Roebuck would be happy. I would have preferred to see Marcus North get the job. But one decided to stay in Western Australia, the other decided to move to NSWales. The Krab is a test player, for any other country, even if I hate him.

Phillip Hughes (NSW), opening bat. Is only a foetus, but can play, Made a few runs this year, and being that opening batsman in Australia are hard to come by probably not a bad choice.

Adam Voges (WA), 3. Been around for a while now, seems to have missed out as the Australian team’s back up one day batsman to Future PM. Can bat, but would doubt he will ever play for Australia.

Marcus North (WA), 4. When he makes runs, he makes them by the truck load. Has a great cricket brain, but has been an ‘A” guy for a while now without ever really looking like playing for Australia.

George Bailey (Tas), 5. Has been picked on potential, and the season before this. Is the batsman all teams try and get through in Tasmania,

Luke Ronchi (WA) keeper & 6. Anyone who saw him in the Windies knows this kid has a little sumtin sumtin.

Ashley Noffke (QLD) opening bowler & 7. This may be his audition for the same spot a month later when the big boys tour.

Beau Casson (NSW) chinaman & 8/9. Him Vs Bryce for the first test.

Ryan Harris (QLD via SA) first change & 8/9. Nickname is rhino, and does play like that. Strong as a mofo on ice, and can bowl all day full, quick and pretty damn well. Also a more than handy number 9, could easily be a number 7 in a weaker batting line up.

Bryce McGain (VIC) leggie & tail. If he out bowls Casson he gets a baggy green.

Doug Bollinger (NSW) left arm opener & tail. Could be the face of Australian bowling for the next ten years, Doesn’t look like much, but picks up wickets waiting for a taxi.

Peter Siddle (VIC) back up quick & tail. If he could stay fit for a whole season we could tell if he is the real deal or a lucky boy. But every time he plays he gets wickets, hard to argue with that.

Peter Forrest (NSW) back up batsman. No idea why he is here, oh wait NSWales. Saw him face Dirty Dirk one day sucking his thumb and asking for mummy.

Jason Krezja (TAS) back up offie & 7/8. Has a modest record but a confident lad who can bat a bit, would be lucky to play ahead of anyone here, but if he gets a game and gets wickets he could maybe leap frog McGain or Casson, but I doubt it.

Overall a pretty good squad.

Can bat till 9, or till 10 if Krejza plays ahead of McGain.

Bowling looks a lot better than the batting, especially with Noffke at 7 giving you an extra bowler.

Like most Australian A sides there is at least 7 players who would get a game for most test nations right now.

If the top order can make runs, could be a good series for the lads.

Players who would be a little miffed at missing out.

Chris Rogers as opener, he played a test match this year, right?

Luke Pomersbach, just because you look, smell, and drink like a lumberjack doesn’t mean you don’t deserve an “A” spot if you have made as many runs as he has.

Dan Cullen, without looking I’d say he probably still took more wickets than Krezja, but, I think someone else should get a go anyway.

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A work in progress

Ricky Ponting described Mitchell Johnson as a work in progress.

Let me explain what a work in progress is, Ricky.

It’s like when you have builders renovating your house.

It’s noisy, nothing works, hairy men are eyeing off your voluptuous daughter, and your neighbours complain about the commotion.

That is why you move in with friends or family during this time if it’s possible.

You don’t tough it out when you have the resources to make it smoother.

Australia’s resources include, but are not limited to:

Doug Bollinger, former young balding eagle, newly rugged up. Form NSWales, bowls left arm and took 45 wickets @ 15 this very season.

Ashley Noffke, former animatrix character, turned best 4 day allrounder out of QLD. Batted like Freddy, bowled like Freddy, but so far, has not gotten injured like Freddy.

Peter Sizzle (Siddle), a Victorian, so he may be overlooked for that alone, but if you look beyond that and the shoulder made of cotton, you will see the first class average of 21 at a mere 23 years of age.

Or Shaun Tait, if for no other reason than he keeps putting his hand up, and now he feels like he is missing this great game of ours.

What better way to celebrate a return from stress release than by bowling for ours on end on flat decks in India.

For any of these players to be picked the selectors will have to admit they made a mistake in the first place and young Mitchell was picked too early.

So Mitchell it is then, until he gets carpel tunnel syndrome, or gets stressed out by the constant media attention.

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rutger bollinger???

I don’t want to alarm anyone, but Douggie Bollinger might have been abducted.

Earlier today Doug, was described on this very blog as “Bald”.

And, a little dopey looking.

See above.

Now in a stunning new development has come to hand, a picture of him as unbald, and looking slightly less dopey.

See right.

This can mean only one thing.

This is not Doug Bollinger.

This is something from a phillip k dick novel, either do androids dream of electric sheep or scanners.

He has been replaced whilst we go about our every day life.

Replaced with what I hear you ask, replaced with a human replicant so cunning that the average person cannot tell the difference.

But Suave is not an average person, he is the Harrison Ford of cricket bloggers, and he has been able to see what I could not, that this replicant/scanner has hair.

This does ask the question though, does Suave dream of electric sheep?

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