Tag Archives: dean jones

Dean Jones, Ravi Shastri, Ellyse Perry and a large furry lion

Yes this is about my film, because we need fucken cash, so give us some.

Before I squealed like a pig

We had a real identity crisis in Australia. Fun-time-happy-internet-vodcasters (or as one journalist called it, five minute piss-artists) one minute. Serious-film-makers-trying-to-get-to-the-truth the next.

Some odd stuff happened to us, which included Sam asking Jason Donavan for parking advice, but the Dean Jones / Ravi Shastri cross over was certainly up there.

Inevitably it was all India’s fault. For some reason the Indian TV channel NDTV befriended us in Australia; Jaideep and Amitoj were their two main dudes on tour, and when they weren’t putting Dean Jones in a silly costume, they were hanging around with us. So it was always a natural fit for Hansie, our Two Chuck mascot (who is fighting for a writer’s credit for the film) to appear on NDTV with Professor Deano. We were happy to do it, because Sam and I are natural media whores and we love it when Hansie gets on TV.

The problem was we only had half an hour before we had to do a key interview for the film with Ravi Shastri.

The ever-bullish “Professor Deano”, as he made everyone call him when he was dressed up, didn’t see this as the problem it quickly became when Australian women’s all rounder Ellyse Perry was spotted nearby. Before she knew what was happening she was added to the casting and it was Professor Deano, Ellyse Perry and Hansie.  Just when things couldn’t get any weirder, we were all kicked out of the ground to shoot outside.

Now we were running around the outside of the SCG looking for a background that looked like the outback. I’m not sure why. I was trying not to think too much about it, in my mind I was preparing for Shastri. But I couldn’t do that, as I had to hold Professor Deano’s Cricket Australia ID instead.

The small segment consisted of Professor Deano interviewing Hansie and Ellyse before forcing the two of them to play a weird game of cricket which ended with a piece of wood flying around dangerously as Professor Deano screeched into a microphone. It made little sense to anyone watching it, but I am sure NDTV edited it into something special.

Free at last, Sam, Hansie and I ran off into the ground, Sam to the press box to fetch Shastri, and me to got ready with the crew before going to face to face with Shastri again.

A few months earlier we had interviewed him for a podcast on Cricinfo, and it wasn’t always pleasant. This time he was standing in front of me.  And when Shastri stands in front of you, he really stands over you. The man is just big, with a voice like a foghorn, making you feel like you’re standing in front of an impatient transformer.

Even his soundcheck was loud and bombastic.

Halfway through the interview I think Shastri remembered he didn’t like me.  Suddenly he was so close it felt like he was suddenly on top of me. “Do you have a problem with that?”. As I squealed nervously I looked around for support. Anthony (Aka AK, TK, A-Kor, Manthony, TK-Maxx) our cinematographer, isn’t stupid – he’d taken several steps back.

Perhaps it was just to fit the imposing figure in the frame, or perhaps it was because when Shastri says what he means, you need serious space between you and him.

It’s a shame he hadn’t been on our NDTV shoot, I think he would have really enjoyed that.

Give so that we may annoy more Test legends.

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my dirty secret

No it’s not chunky peanut butter and a dvd of “where the heart is”.

That’s not a secret.

My secret is uglier and dirtier than that.

It would mean that I am not allowed in the Oval.

It could end my career before it has started.

It will make Lalit Modi hate me, way more than just reading my blog.

I have been watching the ICL.

It comes for free on the Zee Music channel in England, obviously i would not pay for it.

But for free, i will rub it all over my body.

Like the IPL it’s a culture shock watching it.

Although the major culture shock is listening to Dean Jones commentate.

He is like a bag full of coked up puppies, at feeding time.

He also says things like, “we have a saying back home, just have a fair dinkum go ya mug”, well at my place back home we had a saying too, “fuck dean jones is a wanker”.

Getting past him, they do have two people i like, obviously none of them are Tony Greig, A chick who does the interviewing, who is freakishly attractive, and Atul someone, an ex indian cricketer with a moustache that should be kept in a museum.

The level of cricket seems to be about english domestic level, but the waistlines are more Village cricket like.

You can’t watch more than a game every 3 or 4 days, and obviously if there is real cricket on, or repeats of Mash, there is no need to watch it.

The best bit about it is you get to see your favourite journeymen in full glory.

My whole life i have wanted to see Jimmy Maher with a spare tire under his top. And now i can.

For me it is a nostalgic series, alot of my favourite cricketers never really made it at international level.

Ian Harvey & Matthew Elliott were my two favourite players when i was younger, so to have them back is great.

Elliott played a pull shot so nice the other day i could have poked the eye out of a cyclops with my erection.

And i miss that.

Also over there is Ryan Campbell, who if he was Victorian would have been my favourite cricketer of all time.

It’s sort of like a bollywood seniors tour.

There is also really camp uniforms, cheerleaders hidden from half the crowd, over the top commentating, a stupid phrase they say when people hit a six, and a bunch of Indian players most of us have and will never here of.

No Bollywood stars though, instead the camera often pans to Daryl Cullinan, which is different.

Everyone should watch one game, but perhaps only one.

There is one serious problem with the league though, nothing to do with the cricket, or anything like that.

But the annoying logo in the corner that flashes and changes and looks like a 1980’s music video effect.

That is really annoying, its like having Tony Greig dancing flashdance in the corner of the screen at all times.

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more bad news for roy

As if being chucked out of Darwin wasn’t bad enough, Roy has all new problems.

Dean Jones, he of the self proclaimed legend status, is on his side.

Never a good sign in an argument.

If i found out that Dean Jones held the same views as me on abortion, or over vs under toilet paper hanging, i might change my mind.

Just when public sentiment was starting to go towards Roy, Deano pops in and mentions footballs wearing negligee and holding sex aids.

I am not sure what this has to do with Roy fishing, but Deano never di make much sense.

According to the article Dougie Walters thinks Roy is on too much money.

I think the main problem here is that Roy doesn’t wear negliee and walk down the street with sex aids, because if he did, he would find out that fishing is no where near as exciting.

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Future PM gets advice from the self proclaimed legend

David Hussey plays spin like an angry seal clubber.

He made his name by making a double tonne against Lord Stuey on the last day of a shield match where victoria chased down over 400.

How did he learn to play spinners.

Dean Jones.

How do I know this, I heard an interview with the Future Pm on the wireless.

What else did I learn?

Hussey has a coffee club with Lord Mash, where they discuss how to solve the worlds problems when they go out early in the day.

It wasn’t mentioned if Lord Mash sits their on his own when Huss is busy batting.

He has a ranking system for people. I can’t really remember it, but its like top bloke, good bloke, shit bloke type thing.

Trams bother him.

Also his lady friend is a marine biologist, just like George Costanza.

What was Deano’s advice to FPM about how to play spin.

If you are facing an off spinner, walk down the pitch and put him over his head for six.

If you are facing a leg spinner walk down the pitch and hit him over extra cover for six.

There is something special about Victorian cricket advice, sounds very much like Rodney Hogg’s advice to fast bowlers.

Bowl at their heads, they can’t drive you then.

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Langer in order

Justin Langer has been pronounced a member of the Order of Australia.

If you are wondering what that means, so are most Australians.

It is some sort of award that is handed out to sportsman and politicians on days that are deemed important.

Justin obviously got his for the day I saw him tell a friend of mine that he would “fucken smack the fuck out of him” at the G after the little angry man had gone out.

Langer had a hate/hate relationship with the Victorian crowd.

Another day I swore he was going to jump the fence when I guy kept calling him a shit little dwarf.

In Australia this is the sort of behaviour that wins you our highest honours.

In couldn’t have been for his performances on the cricket field, as according to cricinfo, Langer, 37, played 105 Tests and scored 696 runs at 45.12.

What’s that, like 6 runs a test, not very Order of Australian to me.

But Langer will be happy with the honour, as he is now as respected a member of Australia as Dean Jones is.

I contacted Dean Jones for a quote

“Langer’s Order of Australia reminds me of a time I faced Qadir in Karachi on a raging turner, he thought he had me with a wicked wrong one, but I picked it and smashed it through midwicket for four, I really batted well that day.”

DM Jones c Ijaz Ahmed b Abdul Qadir 4

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my dean jones interview – part two

I know yesterday left you wanting more Deano, so here it is.

I was the first guy to wear sunglasses on the field. That was in the 1980s. Having tried many brands I stuck with Oakley mainly because the clarity was good. And I didn’t get paid for wearing them; I actually bought them. I was also the first one to wear the extra sweatbands on top of the gloves.

You sir, are a pioneer, and I hope you get elevated into the cricket hall of fame for your good work.

If an average bowler is on, you want to stay on strike. I learned that very quickly.


Elton John told me, “If you do something properly once, you don’t have to do it again.”

After deano covered Crocodile rock.

You can be direct but it can be done with a bit of compassion. I lack that sometimes.

No, really, we hadn’t noticed.

I’m trying to hit fours and sixes in the commentary box. I’m trying to think outside the box. Yes, I played a bad shot with that terrorist remark and I got out.

It wasn’t a bad shot, it was a hook shot to the jugular.

When a Victorian plays for Australia, he stays there for a while.

Like Tony Dodemaide and Matthew Elliott I suppose.

Great players are stable and under control when they’re under pressure.

You’ve noticed this from watching I guess.

The only time I pick up a cricket bat now is to sign it and give it back to a kid. I divorced batting long ago – she left me.

Can you blame her?

The reason why Australia are No. 1 is the fact that we have a love, a care for one another in the team. Particularly under pressure, our guys tend to gel together better than anyone else in the world. Mateship is in our constitution.

It has nothing to do with the fact they have the worlds best cricketers I suppose.

This interview reminds me of the time I hooked Curtley Ambrose for 6 at Barbados…


my dean jones interview – part one

I’m going to be honest with you, some days as a cricket blogger, it’s hard to come up with things to write.

Then other days Dean Jones gives an interview on Cric Info.

Here are some extracts with some comments made my yours truly.

This is part one, because Deano had a lot to say.

And they must have edited out the bit where he said, that question reminded me of the cut shot I played off Bishen Bedi In madras…

Frankly, I never had any cricketing heroes when I was growing up. It probably helped my game because sometimes young players can be overawed when they play Test cricket. Your heroes have two arms and two legs, they wear the same pants, they go to toilet like everyone else. Get on and play.

I am assuming he means I never had any cricketing heroes other than himself.

I was very, very sick the night before my debut Test. I wasn’t even picked in the original XII but had to be drafted in after Steve Smith fell ill and opted out. I was probably in worse health than him, but I ended up playing the West Indies quicks on a green pitch. That 48 in the first innings remains my best knock. It was a damp pitch and the ball was making divots in the surface, so I knew I couldn’t drive any. “The only drive you get is to and from the ground,” Joel Garner reminded me.

So it’s Joel Garners fault I hear that quote come out of your mouth every slow pitch, any time bowlers are bowling short, or when you have nothing else to say.

Wearing the baggy green cap is a nice honour, but not a great honour. A great honour is being regarded as a great player.

So it was nice for you then.

The tied Test in Madras in 1986 was the defining moment of my career. It was my third Test. During the game Allan Border told me, “Listen, if you want the No. 3’s job, it’s here for you. It’s up to you if you wanna grab it. Bradman, Harvey, [Ian] Chappell held it. Understand its importance and respect it.”

Was that the last time AB mentioned you in the same breath as real number 3 batsmen?

Javed Miandad, Viv Richards, Martin Crowe – I wanted to play my game like them. I wanted to be aggressive, take people on, run hard between the wickets, slide into fences.

Dude you wanted to be Martin Crowe, not bat like him, but actually be him, wear his skin to a costume party sort of thing.

Part two available tomorrow.


the radio

Today I have to drive for about 3 hours.

Wednesday I’ll be driving for 3 hours again.

I don’t like driving, but what p1sses me off is there is no cricket to listen to.

For some reason I had convinced myself the last of the trev barry games was on today, but alas not for the first time in my life I was mistaken.

When I was a little tacker my family loved to holiday interstate. Since we were poor, this involved incredibly long car trips, mostly in summer, which meant the cricket was on the radio.

Jim Maxwell with his straight commentary, and Tim Lane with his dry sarcasm and slight Australian bias.

Peter Roebuck reminding everyone that Australia aren’t that good, but they are damn good.

Harsha bhogle, getting so excited by the cricket you think he’ll pee himself.

Kerry O’Keeefe actually p1ssing himself, at his own jokes of course.

Dean Jones remembering how damn good he was.

Jonathon Agnew sounding like he was auditioning for Hamlet.

Those were the days.

How my mum put up with it I don’t know, although she does like listening to Kerry O’Keefe, but who doesn’t?

When it was just my dad and I it must have been a pain. But on those occasions when Big Daddy travelled with us, it must have been horrible for her.

The men in our family aren’t known for being quiet, and three of us in a small place is a horrifying thing, you have the farting, and the arguing over the cricket.

Due to my mothers sensibilities we cleaned up our language, which mean me and Big Daddy would go up to 2 hours at a time without calling Atherton a boring ©unt.

Not an easy thing to do.

My favourite memory of those trips was when my dad went nuts at Mark Taylor. He had teken Anthony Stuart (or was it stewart) off with a few overs of his ten to go, after he got a hat trick.

My old mans view was that if a man is swing bowler is on song and the ball is swinging you leave him on.

For the next 5 hours big daddy and I pissed our selves as my old man brought every cricket conversation back to Taylor’s mistake.

Big Daddy and I still laugh at that, it was probably the only time my old man ever bagged Taylor’s captaincy.

The rental car I get better have a cd player.

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my phantom fantasy make believe test match

End of day two. This is still any ones match, Australia made 380. a good score, but not as much as they would have wanted.

South Africa were two for none. Lee and Johnson took a wicket a piece.

Graeme Smith made a golden duck when he minced like a ballerina and stood on his stumps. Gibbs went out cheaply, what were the odds on that?

From there Kallis and Amla batted for almost two sessions, before Kallis was out LB to MacGill.

At close of play Amla was not out and South Africa were 3 for 178.

All microphones in front of Dean Jones were turned off during Amla’s innings. Kust in case.

This game is still more exciting than the real thing.

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Deano overlooked

Adam Gilchrist was voted, by past and present players, the best Australian one day player in history.

Dean Jones has asked Peter Costello to launch a royal commission into the decision, he has also contacted the Queen, Robert Mugabe and Allan Border.

So far the protest has not been upheld.

Kerry Packer was voted second best player.

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