Tag Archives: darren pattinson

Victoria wins the County Championship

It has been a up and down year for the Victorian Outlaws of Nottinghamshire.

Running to the front of the class when David Hussey and Darren Eyelids Pattinson were playing as they were completely inspired by the fact Dirty Dirk Nannes had decided to play for them in the T20 tournament.

Then trouble started. And by trouble, I mean a complete lack of cricket motor skills.  It was as if the whole team was on absinthe.

It is now clear that when David Hussey left the county to represent the real Victoria, the outlaws faltered.

Left with only Eyelids Pattinson people thought the Outlaws would not be able to get across the line.

They were wrong.

After Adam Voges and Samit Patel had given away their wickets carelessly, it was up to Eyelids and some other scruffy to chap to get them the 400th run of the innings ensuring a batting point.

I would explain batting points in county cricket now, but it would be a shame for you all to fall asleep now.

So after Eyelids gets his four runs, ensuring that Notts are only one point behind Somerset, he then goes out to bowl perhaps the most important over in cricket history in which two runs were scored and no wickets were taken. The three wickets were taken by other bowlers who were inspired by his efforts.

Three wickets was all the Vic Outlaws needed and the title was theirs due to bowling points.

Somerset, who only signed one Victorian for the season (and never used him), gave up their chase early when it all got too hard. Not even staying out on the ground at the end, just leaving it with a very non-Victorian whimper.

Obviously one Victorian playing for them would have ensured at least one more point during the season, but they never had the Outlaws foresight.

Sure, you could argue that technically all Eyelids did was score 1% of the total and take no wickets as the Vic Outlaws won the championship, but it is that sort of small mindedness that stops you from ever truly being Victorian.

Well played, Eyelids, you were the glue, the spine and the intestional fortitude of this side.

I am sure everyone agrees.

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the david saker bowling group

David Saker has been announced as bowling coach for England. Saker had to beat out Craig “real estate mogul” McDermott and the man with the most serious face in the business, Allan Donald.

I spent way too many afternoons watching Saker run in, beat the bat, yell, walk back muttering to himself, and then repeat.

He was so clearly insane, in the best possible fast bowling way.

I remember one game where he sledged a batsmen so loudly that I could hear it and I was out the back buying a pie.

Victorians loved him, everyone else hated him.

So what will he do when he takes over a bowling group full of male models and solid notherners.

Stuart Broad

For the first time in his career, Broad focuses on bowling tight nagging spells just outside off stump and never tries to bowl anything else. Everything is going fine until Billy Doctrove is asleep one day and misses a plumb LBW, next over Broad is fielding a ball at short fine leg but still manages to “accidently” to hit Doctrove in the throat with a throw to the keeper. Broad goes off the field to write up his apology.

James Anderson

Starts bareknuckle brawling and this leads to a dramatic improvement in his performance. Whereas before he would glare at a batsmen and the batsmen would think he was auditioning for Men’s Health, now they see the scars and glint in his eye and get scared.

Ryan Sidebottom & Tim Bresnan

Nothing much changes in they way they play, but experts notice that their sledging has a much more personal edge to it, Ryan refers to it as the 1 percent he needs for success. Unfortunately Sky mic Bresnan up for a T20 game and then have to apologise to all homosexuals, hermaphrodites and anyone who has ever loved the Little Mermaid. Sidebottom is dropped after bowling a bouncer fromtwo metres over the crease before running through to the batsmen and clothes lining the batsmen.

Liam Plunkett

Never plays again.

Graham Onions

Claims he is, and always has been, a rolling stones fan and hates that pissy pop music like Lily Allen. He also dyes his hair strawberry blond, puts on some weight, pinks his cheeks regularly and finally grows a goatee. He also lengthens his follow through by 10 feet.

Darren Pattinson

Hits Stuart Law in a pro40 game and is rushed into the test side where he becomes an into the wind specialist and goes on to take 300 wickets for England.

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Alastair Cook will captain England in common sense’s absence

Alastair Cook has been named as England’s Test captain for their tour of Bangladesh in February and March, after the selectors opted to stop thinking.

National Selector Geoff Miller said: “Andrew Strauss has provided outstanding leadership for the team in both forms of the game over the past 12 months and the selectors feel it is important that the team knows what it is like to have rubbish leadership and we are extremely confident that Alastair Cook can provide this.

Strauss is the only frontline Test batsman to miss the trip. “We still want to win, we just don’t think we need good leadership to do that,” said Miller.

“Our decision to appoint Alastair Cook to the Test vice-captaincy last year was completely random, clearly we had no idea then, and now we have demonstrated consistency with our decisions. We have no idea what we will do next.  We’re crazy.”

“Cook’s played over 50 Tests now,” added Miller, “surely that, plus the fact he went to public school, can talk good, is a batsman, and is not from the north is more than enough reason to make him captain. Although we want to make it clear, we had no such reason when we made the decision, but we thought we better backward engineer one.  Darren Pattinson was also considered.”

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administracrats fail, again

When a cricketer walks down the wicket slogging in a crucial game there is a chance that if he misses it he will be out of this game, and perhaps out of the next one.

Cricket, and all sport, is tough like that.

You can be selected on performance, and de-selected on performance.

Cricket Administracrats do not have to worry about this.

They can fuck up for years without fear of demotion.

Even if their error has something to do with their side losing.

Look at the latest fuck up, Imran Tahir, the luscious leggie who is so cool we refuse to bag his alice band.  Mostly.

South Africa lucked into this world-class leg spinner because the dude loves to travel and found himself a wife in their country.

In April 09 he said he was qualified to play for South Africa.

No one questioned it.

Before that he had played in a Presidents XI match against Australia, so he was clearly a chance of international honours.

Then almost a year later he is supposedly qualified and gets picked for a squad when South Africa really need an attacking bowler to help them win, but instead they can’t pick him because he is not yet a permanent resident.  Surely something some official should have known before calling him into the squad.

If South Africa trusted that he was qualified in April 09, why did no one check then on the off chance he might be required?

At best it makes CSA look like a bunch of idiots who have shown that they don’t believe in their spinner but have no other player to replace him. At worst this could cost South Africa the series against England.

There is more though, because it seems that Tahir just doesn’t understand the rules, he thinks that he qualifies because it is four years since he played for Pakistan A, and now is only missing out because of paperwork.

That is not how the system works, as the Times points out (and I have read up on this boring shit before), you need to have lived in the country you wish to represent for at least 180 nights a year for four years.  The times doesn’t think Tahir has, and I have my doubts too.

While these errors were also Tahir’s, someone at CSA should have checked all this out at least two years ago when he was obviously trying to qualify.

And this isn’t some one off. Azeem Rafiq cost Yorkshire points when the played him when he didn’t have a UK passport. Darren “Eyelids” Pattinson played a couple of seasons for Victoria before playing for England, but technically he should have played all his games for Victoria as an overseas player before that, just no one noticed.  Surrey also did a great one when for the 08 season they tried to get Shoaib in for the last four games so they wouldn’t get relegated, by no one checked Shoaib’s visa so he only ended up arriving for the last two games.

Not that it mattered.  He looked shit anyway.

All of these, and there are probably heaps more, have either cost teams or could have cost teams on the field.

I wonder how many people were demoted or fired over it?

Ofcourse the ICC are experts at this kind of fuck up.  How often does an umpire or match referee get refused entry in a country due to visa problems?

But we know that no one gets fired from the ICC, how else would you explain Daryl Harper.

Has anyone even checked if Brendan Nash is Jamaican?  Or did he just rock up with a Marley T-shirt and say I’m one of you, gimme a game?

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England lose the ashes, in record time

Usually the Ashes cannot be lost until the tests have been played. England couldn’t wait.

They had three number 3 candidates, and were busting to try them against players born in Australia. Their scores were 12, 12 and 5.

A player by the name of Callum Thorp, who played about 15 or so games for Western Australia, took down Key and Vaughan.

Bell chose another, he went out to Mitchell Claydon, and sent many cricket journalists to the internet to see who the hell he is. Turns out another Australian playing on a British passport. God bless those relatives.

Thorp went to play in England with a first class average of over 50, for Durham he averages 22. By taking down Rob Key he might have ruined any chance that the likeable rotund batsman will have a future test career.

For Vaughan it is not so simple. People have been saying he needs to make a lot of runs for Yorkshire to be picked, but the first test squad against the Windies is probably going to be announced before he gets a chance to make any runs for Yorkshire.

This was his only chance to impress, but he has the added advantage of being Michael Vaughan, which impresses automatically.

Mitchell Claydon, born in New South Wales, has a bowling average of over 50 after 7 first class games, but his wicket of Bell will be enough to keep Bell in county cricket for the season unless injuries intervene.

Some would think that with these guys all failing to score any decent runs to Shield Second XI players, that they wouldn’t be a chance to play. Not so.

Not even the fact that Bell hasn’t made runs since American Pie jokes were tolerable, Key averaged 30 in county cricket last year, and Michael Vaughan’s test career turning into him making an art out of missing the straight ones is enough to stop these guys from still being the front runners for the empty number three slot.

Well not empty, Owais Shah still holds it. Owais Shah didn’t play in this game, (a combined MCC XI Vs last year’s champions Durham) and that was great for him. He would now be the favourite to bat number three against the Windies, and barring him running himself out or cramping up, should make runs against them and have the spot against Australia as well.

Although we should never discount the English selectors making a delightfully rash decision.

You might think Vaughan is a delightfully rash decision, but the truly delightfully rash decision would be Mark Ramprakash, the best number 3 in County cricket, scorer of one hundred hundreds, winner of dancing contests and many a middle aged woman’s heart.

If not him, then I am sure Darren Eyelids Pattinson could bat at three.

Remember to support the balls in the Ashes charity match spectacular.

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English award season, CWB style

I was only here for 2 months of the English season, but I think I got the gist of it.

So I will give out the special English domestic cricket with balls awards.

Today we have the Johnny Cash and Steve Jobs Awards.

Johnny Cash Award

Tough one in this season, Eyelids Pattinson came from no where and took wickets in every orifice.

Imran Tahir is a journeyman, but he took Hampshire on a ride from relegation to Championship contender.

He may not have been good enough to play for Western Australia for most of his career, but Murray Goodwin was all over the domestic competitions this year. Ask Notts.

Fuck them all though, Steve Harmison gave Durham a weapon of mass destruction and they used it t win the championship, so he gets the award.

The Steve Jobs award

Dirty Dirk Nannes diving to give Middlesex millions in the Caribbean and India.

The best fielding from a bad (read shithouse) fielder ever.

It was not the dive of a Kolpak cashing in, it was the dive of a man who wants to win at every he plays at.

I also like the idea that the worst fielder in the side saved the side after a wayward throw from a much better fielder almost lost it in one throw.

Tomorrow is the andy warhol and briteny spears awards.

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Eyelids in the flesh

I am at the oval right now watching Eyelids Pattinson steaming into the crease.

It’s the first time I have seen him in the flesh in 6 or 7 months, and he looks fiery today.

Only the one wicket so far, and he was expensive early, but Eyelids has it going on.

He almost knocked Afzaal’s nuts off.

This actually lead to a brilliant site of Afzaal dropping his pants, and players running towards him and huddling around him.

Eyelids was at the top of his mark waiting for all the bitching to end, and probably, if he is a true Melbourne boy, was making gay jokes to those around him like I was.

It’s been a rough ride for Eyelids since that test.

But his record in county cricket is pretty good.

42 wickets @ 24 in 11 matches is “pretty good”.

It’s not quite Robocopesque, but way better than Cyber Tracker.

Eyelids looks in full fitness again, and it’s good to watch him without feeling awkward about it.

Hopefully he takes this good form and performs well for the Victorian 2nd XI this year.

At least he plays most games, Dirty Dirk obviously has too much talent for one body, and he regularly breaks down because of this.

He has hardly played over here, yet is still a cult figure.

Although even he was playing today, but that was division 2, sorry Dirk, I don’t do division 2, not even for you.

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Cricketers, Miriam Solves Your Problems

Today, I am answering letters from distressed cricketers, with compassion and kindness.


Dear Mims

I’ve had a rough few weeks. I’ve worked hard this year, laid off the pies, led my team to two limited-overs finals but lost them both.

I tried to keep my cool, not like last year when I got in an understandable strop and flung my bat across the boundary rope when some cheat claimed a grounded catch, but it hurts so much.

And, and, my team don’t get to play in the superleague thingy because of a few individuals ruining it for everyone.

I just want the chance to wear the lid of a trophy on my head again. How do I get through this painful episode?

From KeyMan of Kent

Dear KeyMan of Kent

Oh sweetheart. Perhaps you should go play in the next ICL. I mean, what can you possibly have to lose? Before that, though, please could you let me pinch your cheeks? I’ve wanted to do that for ages.


Dear Mims

I’ve just won a trophy with my county and am very excited.

However, a couple of people started saying that I wear eyeliner and mascara and now everyone is teasing me about it. It’s embarrassingly emasculating.

How do I bring my manliness back?



First, I’m not sure what you mean about bringing your manliness “back”.

Secondly, if you wear very dark brown instead of black, you’ll find it looks a lot more natural.

Very few people have the colouring to get away with jet black eye makeup. If you were Asian you might be able to, but then people would start describing you as “wristy” and you strike me as the sensitive sort who would take this the wrong way and think it was a masturbation joke.


Dear Mims

I was called up to play for the country of my birth, and it hasn’t quite been the dream that I’d had in my mind ever since that call up 48 hours before the match.

It all started with my kids trying to get me to decline it so that I could be eligible for Australia, although I think they were just cross at missing their trip to Alton Towers; I know I’m never going to get a call up for Australia because I don’t have an Australian passport.

I performed ok on debut, I thought. I mean, I never said I’d be Ajantha Mendis or anything.

But I now wonder whether I was a means to an end to ease out the captain, who I’ll be honest didn’t really seem to like me. I feel so used.

From Dandy Roofer

Dear Dandy Roofer

You can’t put a price on the cult status, though, and you can expect to have a sports facility in Grimsby named after you at some point.


Dear Mims

I’ve just been promoted to a new position and I’m worried that some people don’t think my heart is really in it. They think that I don’t have the passion to lead a country that I adopted.

But I’ve got an England tattoo. I’ve married an English girl. I drink tea and warm beer. I now know to say barbecue instead of braai.

I’ve tried everything, right down to the No.1 haircut and flashy jewellery that my friends assured me would make me fit in on any British high street. What on earth can I do?

Captain Fantastic

Dear Captain Fantastic

Cry in public. Cry your face off, and then cry some more. People will then come up to you and hug you in the street.

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Eyelids doesn’t have eyes in the back of his head

Darren Pattinson is not turning his back on England.

Probably in case they knife him.

Pattinson who does not own an Australian passport (what logo is on yours KP?), was thinking about leaving England and moving back into the safe haven that is Dandenong.

Victoria has signed him up next year as an overseas player, which technically he should have been before, being that he isn’t Australian.

Victoria’s administracrats didn’t even know he wasn’t Australian.

Classy stuff.

Eyelids is going to have a chat with his mate Geoff Miller, and see what the situation is.

I suggest he asks to be thought of as a batsman, as he is surely in better form than Paul Collingwood.


Darren Pattinson under the microscope

It has to be said that so far Eyelids has looked as dangerous as bambi.

Perhaps I’m being unfair to bambi.

But a point needs to be made.

He does not look like a test match bowler today.

You could argue nerves, a flat pitch and an extremely disciplined South African line up haven’t helped.

This is the slowest I have ever seen him bowl, and by far the most erratic.

At this pace, you can’t afford to be erratic.

On paper he has bowled as well as Broad, and he probably has on the field as well, but Broad is a foetus.

Take one look at Pattinson’s eyes, if you can, and they show a man of many years.

He is lucky if he bowls 3 testing balls a spell, and Vaughan clearly does not see anything he likes.

Every spell he bowls the pressure is lifted, and he does not have the weaponry to danger set batsman on this kind of pitch.

Right now you’d argue this is going to be Eyelids only test.

And he is bowling like he has already accepted it.