Tag Archives: cricinfo

educating the masses on dirk nannes

I figured that the cricinfo audience needed some education on the mythological beast that is Dirty Dirk Nannes.

The problem with being an underground cult figure is that myth and truth can develop until the average cricket fan gets everything confused. I’ve been following Dirk since before the Dutch team came calling for him. I’ve been there when he has bowled in front of a handful of people at the MCG and at Lord’s. I saw his wet Australian Twenty20 debut. So it is up to me to sort out the truth from the fiction.

Myth: He once strangled a bear with his own hands. (It was a lion. But he didn’t kill it, not because he couldn’t, but because killing a lion to prove how strong you are is not cool.)

Truth: He plays the saxophone. John Coltrane once came back from the dead and clapped at Dirk’s rendition of “Alabama”. Normal people would have been freaked out by this, but Dirk is not afraid of ghosts.

Myth: Virender Sehwag cried the first time he saw Dirk bowl in the nets. (Virender Sehwag is too tough to cry, even in happiness.)

Truth: Dirk’s family is Dutch and his father was the inspiration for the Austin Powers character Goldmember.

Myth: His parents are not his real parents; they were actually explorers who were hiking up the Ural Mountains in Russia when they found a cave to have some lunch in. While looking for a nice rock to put their basket on, they found Dirk trapped in ice. (As if Dirk could come from something that sounds like a Pauly Shore film.)

Truth: Dirk is a gifted mogul skier. Although I have never seen him ski and know nothing about mogul skiing, I would say that Dirk is probably the best skier ever, and if he had been in Vancouver he would probably have won like six gold medals. Maybe seven.

Myth: Dirk can speak Japanese. (He doesn’t need to speak Japanese. When he is in Japan he converses with people by playing the saxophone; he is such an emotive player, the Japanese understand him straight away.)

Truth: Even before he became a famous cricketer, lovers of hirsute males would come by his house, as, in 2003, his beard was ranked seventh-best in Melbourne.

Myth: Clint Eastwood travelled forward in time to meet Dirk so he could base the man with no name on him. (Of course that didn’t happen, it is impractical.)

Truth: The Netherlands team briefly thought about not playing in orange as they thought it might emasculate Dirk, but once he was in uniform, they realised it made him even more scary.

Myth: Dirk is a handy batsman who can be relied upon for a plucky 40.

Truth: The ICC rigged the last World Twenty20 so that Dirk could bowl the first ball. They knew that the tournament was stupid and only Dirk could save it.

Myth: The reason that Dirk is such a bad fielder is because no one has ever had the guts to tell him.

Truth: Dirk also plays the harpsichord.

Myth: Dirk quit first-class cricket because he doesn’t like to see a batsman he has just hit stain his whites with blood.

Truth: Dirk is the new CB Fry.

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Chadwick is god

This was up on Page 2 of cricinfo the other day, but there is never too much Chadwick love.

There are people who are up in arms about the West Indies sending out a third-grade team in place of the normal underachievers they pick. “They is ruining my favourite tournament,” said the crazy bearded guy who yells at his dog from down the road. The West Indies board obviously doesn’t care about sullying the good name of the ICC by picking this team for such an “important” tournament.

This is a Champions Trophy, so it has pissed off some people that seven teams have picked their best players and one team has done a lucky dip. Others are angry that Bangladesh beat this current West Indies line-up and they didn’t get the call up.

I can understand people’s anger. Other than fulfilling the role of the minnow of this tournament (a worthy role), West Indies do seem to have no redeeming features.

That is not quite true, though. What this West Indies team has is fresh names of pure awesomeness.

West Indies have always had a fine tradition in cricket names. Sonny Ramadhin. Nixon McClean. Vic Stollmeyer. Lendl Simmons. Brenton Parchment. Ryan Ramdass. The team currently in exile was poorly named. Shivnarine Chanderpaul aside.

What this monumental balls-up by the WICB has done is put a whole host of new names into the international cricket world. Who wouldn’t want to support an underdog with players named like this?

They are captained by a guy called named Floyd Reifer. I don’t need to point out the reason why that is funny. And if I do, I can’t on a family website.

Then he throws the ball to Kemar Roach (see above).

Their best bowler in the tournament has been a guy called Gavin Tonge. A sub-editor’s dream name. Gavin Tonges them. Tonge licks India. And if he does well in tandem with Kemar, Roach Tonge destroys Australia.

While we have all grown in love for the large, angry praying mantis that is Sulieman Benn (not a bad name in its own right), his replacement in this team is named Nikita Miller. The name Nikita stands out on a scorecard. I have only heard of two Nikitas – Elton John’s Nikita, who is a Russian soldier Elton has a thing for, and Luc Besson’s La Femme Nikita, who was an anti-heroine on heroin turned French government assassin. Now there is the offspinner who made a fifty against the Pakistanis. You need to be something special to have this name.

All these names are good, but the last one is my favourite: Chadwick Antonio Kirkpatrick Walton. By day he is a wicketkeeper who likes short sleeves and making first- and second-ball ducks, but by night he is a millionaire playboy from Boston swanning around town in a brown three-piece suit during the 1920s, showing off his two Olympic gold medals, inventing the laser harp and taking the ladies to his island on the plane he made and flies. I decided to like this guy from the moment I saw the name Chadwick.

Yes the players’ strike sucks, and yes we hate the WICB right now, but try and frown when saying the name Chadwick Antonio Kirkpatrick Walton.

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Email of the month

I received this last night.

I can only assume this was one of my new cricinfo “fans”.

“Lads mag bullshit has come to cricket, well doneĀ  CWB, another turd added to the ever increasing shitpile that is “most” of the net !”

Priceless.

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Natalie Portman naked on Cricinfo

I told you that if you didn’t buy my book I would have to work for the devil.

And since less than 1% of my normal monthly readership bought bmy book I have gone over to the other side.

Cricinfo.

If you don’t own my book this is your fault.

The news isn’t all bad, I have managed to talk about Natalie Portman naked in my very first post.

Take that.

Here it is, as it appears on their newly remanufactured page 2 in the section the heavy ball:

The Ashes degraded itself this year by allowing two useless teams to play in it. The World Twenty20 was so boring, India never turned up for it. Australia took on South Africa for the world No. 1 Test spot; 12 people turned up to watch. And no one remembers how Deccan won the IPL.

That is because all these tournaments and series were just warm-ups for the one tournament that stands above the rest and spits down on them in arrogant contempt.

I personally haven’t had so much anticipation for a single event since I found out Natalie Portman was going to appear naked in Hotel Chevalier.

There are children who refuse to sleep, adults who are not participating in society, and animals that are staring longingly at the TV just waiting for this behemoth of an event to start.

I don’t even need to say the name of the cricket event I am talking about, you already know, you are counting down the minutes, nay seconds, until it starts.

The players are preparing themselves as we speak. They want to be in pristine mental, physical and existential condition come the start of the Johnny Cash of cricket tournaments (the only cricket tournament that matters): the ICC Champions Trophy.

The ICC only runs one event with the word “champion” in it. The World Cup might have some gravitas to it, but World means that any old country with a cricket kit can enter; Namibia played in it. The ICC Champions Trophy is way more elite as only the best teams will be there, plus New Zealand.

A tournament of champions playing the most important format of world cricket, 50 overs, with the cricket fans hoping their little cricket lovers’ hearts out that their rag-tag team of potential champions can lift the trophy high and prove to one and all that they are the true masters of world cricket, champions of the game, if you will.

Players have trouble getting themselves up for other tournaments. I overheard some players recently saying, “Oh no, we are at Lord’s for a Test match, again. How I wish we were playing an ICC Champions Trophy match in East London.”

Hopefully the ICC will see the error of their ways and scrap all other cricket tournaments and just schedule a weekly ICC Champions trophy.

Then they just need to sit back and rake in the fat cash that is coming their way, as China, America and Sweden will want to get involved in what is the best sporting event in the history of mankind.

Remember the ICC Champions Trophy is not a cricket tournament: it is cricket. Everything else is a parody.

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The balls do cricinfo

I missed this until TVC put up a link.

But here are the balls on cricinfo.

I must admit I didn’t notice the hit rate jump.

Apparently people don’t go to cricinfo to read about charity matches.

Who knew?

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