Tag Archives: Claire Taylor

What cricketer would you turn gay for, pick carefully

I put up a link to Ant Sims’ new blog about Chris Gayle on twitter and @mediagag said that he would totally turn gay for Chris Gayle.

I wouldn’t, but I get it.

So here is my guide for what players you should turn gay for depending on what kind of sex you’re looking for.

Brendan Nash – If you’re looking for a doting partner who will always cuddle with you, Nash is your man.  Will do everything he needs to do to make sure you are happy.  He’s not stylish or that sexy, but he’s a good bloke.  The second hand Volvo of Gay sex.

Shahid Afridi – rough sex in the back of a taxi, random encounters in parks and lewd relations in shady hotels, he offers it all.  If you’re looking for no commitment and short sharp burst, Afiridi is your man.  May leave you unsatisfied at times, but that’s part of the fun.  Is most probably a selfish top.

Peter Borren – do you like to feel intimidated by your partner?  Some men would need to tie you up and put ball gags in your mouth to make you feel subservient to them, with Borren, it’s just one look.  Ofcourse, not perfect for introducing to your parents, as he will scare them to death.

Sachin Tendulkar – Who doesn’t want to fuck the most famous man in cricket.  I can’t imagine that in life Sachin does anything badly, so that should mean that in bed he’s a cracker at the sexy sexing.  Bonus points for fucking a living God.

Doug Bollinger – Not everyone wants a thinking man, some want one who is all about actions.  Douggie is perfect for this.  If you can rate someone in bed by the way they dance, Douggie is hilarious in bed.  He’s a man’s man, he’ll try all day, he’s willing to fix his appearance and he’ll make you laugh.  Like a pet that is house trained that you can legally fuck.

Jesse Ryder – cricket’s most eligible bear.  If you’re a cub looking for a big strong man to place it in your gaps, Jesse has to be the man you want.

JP Duminy – Perhaps the opposite of a bear, he’s a twink.  Having still not completely come to terms with his game, so now is the perfect time to become his sugar daddy and take care of him.  Buy him a car, show him how to face the short ball and watch how he performs for you.

Salman Butt – fuck him.  Hard.

Ajantha Mendis – looking for something a little different, freaky, and mysterious.  Mendis’ fingers have it all.  Although, once you’ve worked out all his little tricks, you can always move on to Randiv or Herath.

And ladies, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, if you’re a lady looking to go gay, may I suggest…

Claire Taylor – Probably the biggest catch in world cricket if you’re a woman looking to turn.  She is perfect in every single situation.  You could claim that she isn’t the most stylish, but her results speak for themselves.  Taylor will think herself through every situation, which bodes well for the boudoir.

Mithali Raj – If you’re not as worried about performance, but just want the best looking woman on your arm as you enter the clubs, Mithali is that.  Her cover drive is so sexy that if the entire world watched it together it would create a tsunami of sex juice that would kill us all.  Probably more interested in looking good than being good, but that’s why you turned for her in the first place.

Personally, I turned gay for a pull shot from Matthew Elliott against Allan Donald, alas, the pull shot didn’t have any feelings for me.  So I decided I’d have to become straight.

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the butcher of buckinghamshire

Claire Taylor is so much better than you are.

And her team is the best women’s cricket team on earth.

The margin between England and any other team is as wide as the gap between Claire Taylor and the rest of the world’s batsmen.

Mithali Raj may be an artist of the highest level.

Compared to Raj, Taylor is a butcher, but she is the most prolific butcher ever.

She seems to make sausages at will, millions of them, good sausages, sausages that feed her team mates and keep them fit and active.

There is nothing that special about the way she makes these sausages.

She just makes a lot of them.

Because of all these sausages, England is now the best team in the world in every format of cricket.

That is pretty impressive.

Something the Australian men’s team has never done.

Something the English men’s team can’t even imagine doing.

That is because neither team has Claire Taylor.

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Karen makes Ricky happy

Some of you may think Ricky Ponting is the worst Australian cricket captain you can think of.

Would it fuck with your mind if i said he may not even be the worst Australian captain at the moment.

Karen Rolton played such an important part in Australia’s loss today it is hard overlook it.

Her field placings were, wait for it, Pontingesque.

She seemed to lose faith in some bowlers after one over.

Her complete lack of imagination or will to make drastic changes took Australia to an amazing loss.

Sure Claire Taylor helped, her innings in partnership with Beth Morgan was super mega good, but it would have nice to have seen her tested once or twice.

The poms were taking twos at will, yet Australia never moved in any closer from the boundary.

They scored off every ball that didn’t go to the bowler or to the keeper.

And Beth Morgan had one get out shot, the lap sweep, which see played about 9 times, mostly for boundaries, expect for the odd miss  and the one she hit into her jaw.

Yet Rolton never put the fine leg back, or put her finer where the ball kept going.

She just looked lost and confused, and she made me give women’s cricket the ultimate compliment.

I got so angry I forgot it was a women’s match and that I shouldn’t have cared, and upon completion I was so fucken pissed off I yelled ‘useless bitches’.

Had it been the men’s side who had preformed such a mind fuckingly poor effort in the field I would have called them fucken useless pricks.

So the women’s game is definitely gaining importance in my anger and care factor.

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That Recognition Thing Again

Sorry to keep harping on about this, but I couldn’t let the big news of today pass without comment. Forget what is going on in New Zealand. Forget whatever happens later in the Carribean. A woman has been named as one of Wisden’s fiver cricketers of 2008.

Not just any woman, either, but England’s Claire Taylor. You probably have heard of her, as she was player of the tournament in the recent World Cup. This, on the other hand, is recognition of her stellar performances with the bat last year.

There will be people who criticise this decision and who see it as yet another change wrought by new Wisden editor Scyld Berry where none was needed. These people are very wrong. 2008 was hardly a vintage year for cricket. The others honoured are James Anderson, Dale Blenkenstein, Mark Boucher and Neil McKenzie, which to my mind makes two awards for longevity, one for leading your side to a title and one for being the only man in the world more superstitious than me. On performance alone, Taylor deserves to be there.

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