Tag Archives: chris gayle

who runs the west indies?

I thought the West Indies had the ideal team to win this tournament.

They had a swing bowler in form, a quick bowler who could sling yorkers, more all rounders that you could fit in a small car, a mystery spinner, a skiddy spinner, the Pollard, the Gayle, and even the Johnson Charles.

If they were a gun, they’d be a bazooka, with a machine gun and flame thrower attached.

But the team I saw in my head, which was a combination of the new West Indies and the IPL West Indies, has gelled much the same way the bazooka flame machine gun would.

Chris Gayle coming back has thrown out the alignment completely.

Gayle is a natural leader, it’s because he feels he’s cooler and better than other other people, and his shoulders. They’re leadership shoulders.

As a leader he’s much like a male lion, as a captain he’s much like a banana sandwich.

For all the talk of how rubbish Darren Sammy is as a player, he’s done pretty well as a player and seems to be growing a young team with talent.

Sammy is not a big macho man, he’s a nice guy, I like him, I’d have a beer with him or let him buy me a meal, but he’s not an aggressive leader.

The chat before the last over of the regulation overs was bowled showed that. In the end Samuels bowled it because Sammy and Andre didn’t want to.

It looked like a man who did not want to lead from the front.

When Marlon Samuels bowled the super over instead of Sunil Narine, it looked like Chris Gayle had used this big shoulders to move Sammy aside during the meeting.

Maybe I’m wrong, and Sammy just got sucked up in the masculine Jamaican aroma when Gayle and Samuels were next to each other.

Either way, Sammy (or whoever) made the sort of decision you make at three AM when almost everyone has left the club except that person of questionable gender with the mole that looks like Richard Dreyfuss on their forehead.

Forget about the fact that anyone who understood the basic principles of cricket would have picked Sunil Narine.

Think about what had just happened. In an over of top pressure, batting with a bloke who hadn’t faced a ball, Ross Taylor had scored 13 runs off Samuels while getting a great sighter of exactly how he was going to bowl in the next over.

The field placings were terrible, Marlon Samuels will need to ice his arm like a pitcher after it, and the super super super subs was a nice touch.

They deserved to lose on every level.

That they didn’t was because in their batting super over these Jamaican big swinging dicks were immense, and Tim Southee swallowed his own teeth.

Sammy’s problem is that these two now have even more power, even more bravado, even more respect from their team mates.

In the next game expect Marlon Samuels to open the bowling in tandem with Chris Gayle, bat wherever they want, field wherever they want and Darren Sammy will be trudging from long on to long on.

Result: Ross Taylor finally came back to the World T20, Sunil Narine delivers magic aura balls.

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Chris Gayle’s Birthday

In the next few months there is the finish to the Champions League, Australia V India, The Ashes, the IPL and a world cup.

But that shit aint mean a thing, the real event is always going to be this.

Ricky Ponting and Dan Vettori aren’t about to have their birthday produced by someone called jamyard.

MS Dhoni isn’t about to have a bottle of Hennessy on his invite.

No one’s paying 5000 large to go to Andrew Strauss’ party.

And Graeme Smith can’t get away with calling his birthday the lifestyles of the rich and famous.

What is weird is that not that long ago people seemed surprised that Gayle didn’t like test cricket so much.

After seeing this I’m surprised he plays it at all.

So if you have a spare 5k I suggest you go and celebrate Gayle’s birthday with Black Rhyno and co.

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Sometimes, It Pays To Be Heartless

So, the international season in Australia has come to an end, and I’m drinking to it. Not because of the unbeaten Aussie summer. Thrashing two mediocre teams is hardly cause for celebration. No, because it means the end of the most annoying experiment in cricket viewing since, well, ever.

Bloody heart rate monitors.

What, I mean what, is the point of this idiocy? The whole point of introducing any sort of technology into a sport is to make it in some way better for the spectator. HawkEye, HotSpot, slo-mo cameras, they all serve this purpose. But what is the freaking point of a heart rate monitor?

It is not as if most of us are incapable of noticing that your heart rate goes up when you are running and it is no great logical feat to suss out that it might go up a bit more if you run and then hurl a small projectile 22 yards.

And it’s not even as if they put them on the interesting players, fer chrissakes. What is the use of putting a heart rate monitor on Mitchell Johnson, unless it is to give his mother heart failure of her own? How about sticking one on Chris Gayle, so that we can tell if he is really that laid back, or just clinically dead? Or on Shane Watson, to see if he actually is 98% straw? Hell, if we are being really interesting, strap it to Steve Smith and see if he’s yet mature enough to walk past a woman on the boundary without all of the blood rushing to his groin?

No, the only conceivable use for this technology is to fix it to the commentators. Watch Mark Nicholas’ bpm rise every time he passes a mirror. Measure Warne’s excitement as a tray of pies goes by. Do what the heck you like with it, just get it off my tv screen.

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Shane Watson forgets he may have to bowl to Gayle again

I can never remember a time when Watson was mistaken for a Harvard professor.

But goading Chris Gayle, what sort of idiot does that?

He lost 15% of his match fee for it, but his real punishment should be opening the bowling anytime Australia plays the Windies.

There is no sound of the scream in this clip, count yourself lucky, as Watson’s roar was more like a camp version of the Wilhelm scream.

I can’t find it on youtube, but on one of the stump mics you can hear an Australian player say something like, “that was the best wicket celebration ever”.

Without seeing that player’s face, I’d like to think he was taking the piss.

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chris gayle insults himself

After seeing his team dragged through the mud by the Australian media only to then play very well, Chris Gayle has decided to start his own bad press.

But not even the Australian press could make a blow this low.

“At the moment when Hauritz is bowling to me, it’s like I’m bowling to myself.”

Settle down Chris, your bowling isn’t that bad.

Nathan’s life hasn’t really been beer and skittles for a while now.

He missed the Oval, got out bowled at Adelaide, and now it looks like he has to prove he really belongs by bowling on a wicket that isn’t generally set up for spinners.

But to get dissed by a part timer, that is harsh.

Especially one who takes his bowling as seriously as Gayle.

With all this going on even I feel sorry for Hauritz.

So for the whole Waca test I will try not to stick the boot in to Little Nathan any more.

It is the least I can do.

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Chris Gayle’s Jersey Girl

There seem to be two reasons why Chris Gayle turned in the innings of his life in this test.

The first one seems to be anger. Just because he wears shades all the time and smiles alot doesn’t mean Gayle can’t get angry.

From time to time he looks fucken filthy, and perhaps, just perhaps, being told he was in charge of a team that was the worst thing to happen to test cricket since the front foot no ball rule fired him up. On the eve of day one he apparently gave a testicle swinging speech to his men, and they sure played well on day one.

The other seems to be the Adelaide pitch. Having used all his “a” material in his match eve speech, on day four he used his bat.  But he couldn’t smite and slog, as the pitch would not allow him. So he seemed to mature mild innings, and he got the sort of results you’d expect from the wing commander Strauss.

Not that he usually seems to care about the surface when he is hitting away, but perhaps he sensed that he was the only one who would be able to score there, and he would do that better if he wasn’t out.

Australia kept waiting for the old Gayle to come out, and they had plenty of men on the boundary waiting for the catch. Instead he just pushed the ball around, put away the bad balls and made sure he was there at the end.

No other West Indies batsmen could get past 27, making his 165 look like Yao Ming in China.

With the way he bats Gayle has created a shitty situation for himself.  When he goes out hitting, people say he is reckless, when he tries to push the ball around and gets out they tell him to trust his natural instincts.

As captain, he can’t really win, so choosing to bat in a way so alien from his slap happy days was risky.

It could have been reviewed like people reviewed Kevin Smith’s Jersey Girl.  The press would have said while Smith’s intentions were good; the film lacked a sense of Kevin Smithness to it.  We’re is the pop culture smut. Or, in this case, the raw aggression and macho hitting. It is easy to be typecast and pigeon holed, and it takes something special to break free.

This was special and Gayle pulled it off.  It must have been like an outer body experience for him, looking down on himself saying, “who is this motherfucker scoring all these fucken singles?”

He also probably owes Chanderpaul money, for infringing on his trademark Windies innings.

An innings of that class probably deserved better than a draw.

I think of my book as Mallrats.

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The IPL Ad Break- Brought to you buy Pepsi, DLF, and Lalit Modi’s smile.

Frankly I am shocked.

I thought the IPL was a principled cricket league that believed in more than just the money.

Ok no one will say that.

The powers that Bcci, are just not content with merely adding advertising to the commentary, they have decided to add a 7.5 minute ad break to each innings.

L Ron (Big Al Stanford) must be pissed he never thought of his.

The over rates in last years IPL were dreadful, a supposed 3 hour game pushed to 4 repeatedly, can’t see how adding an ad’s break will speed that up.

Probably wont be good for the hamstrings on the older players either, 7 and a half minutes standing around in that brisk autumn air, and then diving for a ball at mid wicket.

But if the do tear a hamstring, the IPL can then superimpose an ad for deep heat onto the hamstring during the replays.

Hopefully the time will be used wisely, 5 minutes of advertising followed by a public service announcement about the health problems cricketers can face when they share boxes.

There are still several advertising options the IPL hasn’t thought of.

The best would would be giving players a name sponsor.

SMS datechat Shane Warne sends one down.

DC Comics Gatuam Gambhir is looking super today.

That is a huge one from Viagra’s Chris Gayle.

What a rip snorter from Columbia’s Shoaib Ahktar.

A divine shot from Catholic Church Matthew Hayden.

See, Lalit, you can do way more.

You can even put sticky take on the players faces, although some players do that for free.

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John Dyson’s Calculator

Seems to be broken.

The most telling aspect of the whole debacle was the look on Chris Gayle’s face as Dyson called Sammy and Miller to the pavillion. He KNEW his coach had got it wrong.

It was noticeable that, thoughout the debate which followed the players leaving the field, it was Andrew Strauss who took the lead for England, but Gayle stayed very much in the background.

There can be little doubt, now, where the balance of power in the West Indian team lies. But Dyson just loosened his grip just a little.

There’s an old theory that, in 50 over cricket, you reckon on your score at 50 overs being at least double what you have at 30. That’s even more the case now that the batting side usually has a powerplay up their sleeves at that point. At 30 overs the West Indians were 130-1 and cruising. To lose from there, well, that’s the sort of thing England would do.

Dyson has done a fine job of bringing together the famously fractious Windies. Now they have lost a game they could and should have won, and all due to his misjudgment. Not only are England now 1-0 up, the home side has just given themselves a bigger psychological blow than a mere defeat ever would have done.

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the ghost of god

It’s not often you are 500 runs up, and look like a shambles.

England just managed it.

It all started with James Anderson and his nightwatch shenannigans.

I don’t believe in the thoery of night watch men.

Or in JImmy Anderson doing the job.

But when you are 300 up, the thought of a nightwatchman to protect your number 3 is even more absurd.

Then he bats for an hour the next day, for 20 runs.

At the other end Alistair Cook was batting for time.

Finally Shah, Collingwood, and KP came in and batted with intent towards a delclaration.

That got the game going, until they all went out, and Andrew Strauss made some interesting decisions.

Freddie was injured, so he sent Prior and Broad in before him.

Then Freddie came in at 9, with England 484 runs in front.

He made a long duck.

Eventually England passed 500, and declared, not before everyone except for Graeme Swann had trotted out.

It was a weird days play.

England spending an extra hour making a numerical figure, and looking like big giant wankers doing it.

Why bother?

Well my reason is simple, our lord, prophet and saviour, Sehwag, has scarred them for life.

This was a Sehwag delcarlation.

They wanted the game at a unloseable position.

Not even the forecast rain tomorrow made them worry about time.

They just kept batting, and batting, and batting, you can’t imagine they would have done so if someone Sehwag like wasn’t playing.

Sehwag has instilled the fear of god into them.

Chris Gayle scared the christ out of them.

England will probably still win, but nice to know they can still be scared by a man on another continent.

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The New Chris Gayle

I love watching Chris Gayle bat.

Once I described him as batting like a drunken lumberjack.

Sure it was wanky, but it was the best i could come up with on a late night.

Yesterday he stopped drinking, and only cut down trees that had that had been looked over by tree surgeon and found to be in need of removal.

It was odd.

But I liked it, sometimes watching a slogger play a proper test innings is gratifying in a perverse sort of way.

Like watching Traci Lords in a proper film.

And it’s not like he didn’t play any big shots.

Every now and then he put one on a roof, or in someone’s back yard.

He just had a steely resolve go with it, it was if he wanted to make a big score, but didn’t mind if it took him all day.

An odd theory for him to work with.

The last time I saw him really look hard as nails in a test match was when he slapped the Saffers around with one hand.

Now Gayle has changed.

He has matured, it’s a new and improved batsmen, one with patience, strength and will power.

With Cric Info calling Graeme Smith, Graeme Smith 2.0 (Clever), I thought maybe Gayle could have an appropriate IT nerdy name as well.

I spent a few hours and came up with these.

Gayle beta

Chris Vista

CG Tiger OS