Tag Archives: brendon mccullum

The Prince gives up the gloves

Prince Brendon McCullum has finally done what he had leaked, inferred and generally showed us on many an occasion he was thinking about by giving up his role as test keeper.

No keeper since Tim Zoehrer (who often took the gloves off to bowl leggies) has shown such casual regard for the skill that got him into international cricket in the first place.

The Prince is talented, but that talent hasn’t exactly been oozing out of his stats now has it.

In test cricket, the game where he is giving up the gloves, he has made 5 test centuries – 2 against Bangladesh and 1 against Zimbabwe – at an average of 34.  Low.

In one day cricket, where he doesn’t always seem to keep, he has made 2 centuries – 1 against Ireland – at an average of 29 with a strike rate of 87.  Still not special numbers.

In T20 where others keep mostly, he has made 1 century – against Australia – and averages 33 with a strike rate of 126.  Other than a slower strike rat than you’d expect, the man is a fair T20 batsman.

T20 is the only form of the game where Prince Brendon could give up keeping and be a legitimate force right now.

Sure, ditching the gloves might improve his batting, but it might not.  Being an all rounder in any sense might be a burden on your time, but it also gives you freedom.  You can average 34 as a batsman if you have another skill, but who wants a test batsman who averages 34.

I know New Zealand don’t always have the highest standards when it comes to test averages, but 34 is testing them.

According to Assistant coach Mark Greatbatch, “Brendon clearly understands he will only be considered as a test batsman on his long-form batting performances.”

Dictator Dan has been quiet on the announcement.

McCullum may return to keeping in one day cricket.

The cynical cunt nature of me wonders if this isn’t an elaborate test retirement.

His average is not enough to get him an automatic spot, so maybe he plays a few tests, or maybe he doesn’t get picked at all…

If it is an elaborate well staged test retirement, you have to give the man some credit, it is the double indemnity of test retirements.

I fear it is not, and instead it is just a wicket keeper who thinks he can cut it as a test batsman.

I wonder if he can?

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Australia fail in 20 over chase

New Zealand set Australia 106 to chase, but even though it was only marginally more than 5 runs an over Australia could not get over the line. Australia’s record in 20 over chases outside Australia continues to be quite shit.

Phil Hughes, who sees all innings as auditions for the IPL incase he gets bad press again, was at his attacking best. In two overs he inspired 23 runs off New Zealand’s most trusted bowlers. This included a smack over mid on for six from Vettori and his normal ugly effectiveness against the quicks. Hughes bludgeoned 86 off 75 balls.

At the other end, Katich protested the whole 20 over concept, his strike rate of 27 was a personal statement on what form of cricket he likes best. Katich was in his complete krab like mode and refused to even pretend to score runs. In the past this would have lead to a fantastic collapse from Australia, but Hughes youthful excitement made the 20 over chase a possibility at times.

While Australia did miss out on winning in 20 overs, they won the moral victory by winning the test. Doug Bollinger kissed his underwear after the match and Ryan Harris’ chest swelled so much that no one could fit in the change room.

New Zealand’s two cricketers, Prince Brendon and Dictator Dan, must be a little disappointed that their side made 564 in total, being that they made 42% of them (I think that is right) between the two of them. Vettori is thinking of changing the batting order for the next match with Tuffey to go in at 3 and for Ingram to bowl medium pace when the other bowlers are tired.

Only the carrot of the IPL can keep the smiles on the faces of the New Zealand middle order marvels.

This game might seem like just another test, but it could be the last time Australia ever enforces the follow on. Even though they won by 10 wickets with their dicks in the air, it must have made them nervous once the chase went over 100. Their nerves must be shot.

It should also be mentioned that Phil Hughes now averages 51.25 in test cricket. It doesn’t mean much, but it makes me smile a little.

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Kiwi bowlers should go on strike

Great bath!! on TwitpicSince getting a kiwi test bowler to write some of my book for me it has come to my attention how hard working they are as a species.

Mr O’Brien put in about three drafts of his chapter, which is probably more than I had for the book in total.

He was a busy writer, offering alterations, trying to get it the best he could, really putting in the full 100% percent and taking it one word at a time.

But I didn’t make him write the whole book.

That would have been rude.

He did his part, got it right, and then I let him rest.

That seems to be the problem with New Zealand’s top order, they let their bowlers shoot out Pakistan for under 300, and then a couple of hours later make the bowlers try and save the day.

Their opening batsmen don’t seem to be able to survive an over.

The rest of their batsmen seem to hope Ross Taylor will do the job.

Then Prince Brendon and Dictator Dan have to make as many runs as they can with tired bowlers.

Not fair.

Generally with New Zealand if you want to know what total they will make, you take their total at 4 wickets down, and triple it.

And it isn’t like their tail is like England’s (IE: better than their top order), their tail has the worst batsmen in world cricket (Martin), test cricket’s greatest blogger but shit batsman (IOB), and Daryl Tuffey.

Not a lot of fire power there.

In the old days they might have even declared at 8 wickets down.

These guys bowl, bat and blog, while their batsmen don’t even fucken bat.

Not good enough.

I suggest that all the Kiwi bowlers decide to not bat from here on in until their top order starts making runs. A simple, “fuck you guys, we’re tired”, will suffice. They’ll get the message after a while.

Obviously Dictator Dan doesn’t have to; we know he would go mental if one of his many jobs were taken away. He probably edits IOB’s blog at night as well.

But the rest of them just together and declare the innings shut at 7 wickets down. Force the batsmen to take the handle out of their asses and really try and use it.

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You’re welcome, Prince Brendon

I am not a humble man.

Long time readers will know this.

A humble man wouldn’t claim another man’s triumph, especially with such a tenous claim.

But I delivered a blogging kick up the ass to Brendon McCullum, and now he has made a massive hundred.

You could say it was natural talent, hard work, match fixing, or luck.

I’d prefer to say it was me, maybe not 100%, but at least 87%.

The prince should also be congratulated.

Not as Much as I should, but technically he made the runs, all I did was facilitate the innings with swearing.

This is clearly more proof that i should be coaching the New Zealand cricket team, by not giving me the job they are relegating themselves to years of further mediocrity.

If I can inspire a hundred from my computer, what could I get Brendon to do in person, the first player to make a triple hundred in a one dayer, perhaps?

We won’t know unless the kiwis give me the job, the balls is in their court, metaphorically and literally.

Well played, Brendon, well blogged, Jrod.

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you’re so money, prince brendon

The first reason why I should be coach is I am not scared of kicking the ass of the “stars”.

The important moment in the film Swingers is when Mike’s friend Sue goes gangsta on a bunch of dudes, and then turns on Mike and gives him a spray about his life.

He uses the phrase little whiney bitch repeatedly.

This causes Mike to go into a sort of self induced orange juice coma for a few days, then he snaps out of it and ends up dancing to the big bad voodoo daddy band with Heather Graham.

Everyone likes Mike, everyone wants to tell him he is money, everyone trying to cheer him up or be the shoulder to cry on, but clearly all he needed was a tremendous kick in the asshole.

Brendon McCullum has a lot in common with Mikey. Like most kiwi cricketers he is likeable, everyone wants to see him do well and he has an emotional hurdle to over come.

Life hasn’t treated him well of late.

He had to lead the KKR in their marvellous shit storm of a season. Has been blamed for the IPL/NZC contract dispute. Lost his job as Vice Captain. And now is in danger of losing his job as one day opener.

I can see how he would be a little down at the moment. He thinks life is against him, and that he is just shit out of luck, but if he thinks that then he is missing the point.

In all forms of cricket he averages about 30. He almost never makes hundreds, his strike rate (2020 aside) is not awe inspiring, and more often than not he teases rather than wins games. No one of his talent should have an average of 30. He should be travelling around the world kicking ass, not shuffling through cricket without ever doing any real damage.

I like him, but I am always drawn back to his record, and then I sigh.

He needs a monumental kick up the ass. As coach it is my job to kick any asses that need kicking.

“Runs, Motherfucker. Runs. That is what we all want. Forget about leadership, contracts and Shah Ruh Khan, just give us the fucking international fucken runs that you have in you, make them as hundreds not cameos, don’t give us that I’m trying as hard as I can face, give us runs. RUNS. We just don’t care about all the other shit, go out, hit the ball hard, us your talent, shake your self up becauae I am so sick and tired of looking at your record and sighing. New Zealand have a queue of blokes who could keep and average 30, you can do so much fucken more, so fucken do it, stop looking sorry for yourself and just get out there and show us why you are PRince fucken Brendon. Fucken hell, if Brendan Nash had your talent he’d be fucking Don Bradman riding a white stallion and playing in Vegas. You’ve got at least five fucken more years of International cricket, abuse it, molest it, fuck it, just fucking make a mark for fucks sake, you cunt. “

If this doesn’t work I’ll make him 12th man for 10 straight matches. Or Craig McMillan’s butler.

All we want is to see Prince Brendon metaphorically dancing with Heather Graham to swing music. That is not too much to ask for.

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Daniel Vettori pulls out of champion’s trophy final due to boredom

Hamstring injury my ass.

He bowls off 5 steps, and doesn’t use his feet when he bats.

Clearly he is resting himself for the champion’s league.

I don’t blame him, I am surprised he even turned up, surely he should be in India for preparation.

He probably already has a white jakcet.

Fret not Kiwis, your country has selected Prince Brendon to captain, and we all know how well he captains in South Africa.

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How much would you pay for the Kolkata Knight Riders?

The correct answer to that is much less than Rahul Dravid makes.

That is not the answer Shah Ruh Khan wants to hear though.

He is reportedly trying to sell off his share in his blingy failure.

Ditch and run, son.

Can’t blame him, while the business side of Kolkata Knight Riders seems to be working ok (although their merchandise section on the blog is not working, I want a KKR head band god damnit), his nack for running a sporting team seems to be on par with George W Bush.

Kolkata have more coaches than players, they have a head coach, and a header coach.

They spent 600 grand on a bloke they don’t play.

Murali Kartik couldn’t get a game until they were finished.

Dropping Sourav as captain made sense on last years form, but it seems to have sapped the life out of the franchise.

And Prince Brendon doesn’t have the ego to take over a team with the Giant Alien Lizard in it.

Throw in the fact that SRK was starting to resemble a dildo, and you can’t blame him for leaving.

I am prepared to make an offer for the franchise, SRK, I will give you one used spoon for the team.

It may be your best offer.

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Old Dogs

Prince Brendon may have started last years IPL with a full frontal assualt on the crowd, but this year the old dudes and an untouchable dog started us off.

Sachin chipped away a 50 odd.

Hayden followed that up by top scoring for the sooper dooper kings.

Next game the old guys really came out.

Rahul (still not a 2020 player, but still classy when his team is falling apart) top scored and pretty much kept Bangalore from collapse.

Warne was probing like a motherfucker too, some of his balls wouldn’t have looked out of place in his best of.

Anil didn’t like being overshadowed and popped in with 5 wickets as the tail fell apart.

The cricket was scrappy, there was always something in it for the bowlers, a great collapse by last year’s champsions and a leg spin master class.

It was a proper cricket day, with 10 minute ad breaks.

Jesse looks hot in red as well.

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The Ultimate IPL Guide: Kolkata Knight Riders

Vacuous Sex Symbol

Porn Star: Brendan McCullum

Prince Brendan might be the reason that the IPL was successful. His first innings set the bastard alight. Cameras like him too.

Pole Dancer: David Hussey

88 off 44 against South Africa is a pretty good warm up. Still one of the premier batsmen in world 2020, but needs to step up for Kolkatta.

Boy Next Door: Ishant Sharma

The Giant Adams Apple from India hasn’t quite lived up to his hype yet, but will love to bowl on the quick wickets in South Africa.

Model: Sourav Ganguly

Struggled for runs last tournament, isn’t captain, and might prove to be a distraction to his team. Usually doesn’t like to be anybody other than the main man.

Home made/Amateur: Mashrafe Mortaza

The Bangladeshi bagman can slap the bowl and hurl it down fast.

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