Tag Archives: brendan nash

What cricketer would you turn gay for, pick carefully

I put up a link to Ant Sims’ new blog about Chris Gayle on twitter and @mediagag said that he would totally turn gay for Chris Gayle.

I wouldn’t, but I get it.

So here is my guide for what players you should turn gay for depending on what kind of sex you’re looking for.

Brendan Nash – If you’re looking for a doting partner who will always cuddle with you, Nash is your man.  Will do everything he needs to do to make sure you are happy.  He’s not stylish or that sexy, but he’s a good bloke.  The second hand Volvo of Gay sex.

Shahid Afridi – rough sex in the back of a taxi, random encounters in parks and lewd relations in shady hotels, he offers it all.  If you’re looking for no commitment and short sharp burst, Afiridi is your man.  May leave you unsatisfied at times, but that’s part of the fun.  Is most probably a selfish top.

Peter Borren – do you like to feel intimidated by your partner?  Some men would need to tie you up and put ball gags in your mouth to make you feel subservient to them, with Borren, it’s just one look.  Ofcourse, not perfect for introducing to your parents, as he will scare them to death.

Sachin Tendulkar – Who doesn’t want to fuck the most famous man in cricket.  I can’t imagine that in life Sachin does anything badly, so that should mean that in bed he’s a cracker at the sexy sexing.  Bonus points for fucking a living God.

Doug Bollinger – Not everyone wants a thinking man, some want one who is all about actions.  Douggie is perfect for this.  If you can rate someone in bed by the way they dance, Douggie is hilarious in bed.  He’s a man’s man, he’ll try all day, he’s willing to fix his appearance and he’ll make you laugh.  Like a pet that is house trained that you can legally fuck.

Jesse Ryder – cricket’s most eligible bear.  If you’re a cub looking for a big strong man to place it in your gaps, Jesse has to be the man you want.

JP Duminy – Perhaps the opposite of a bear, he’s a twink.  Having still not completely come to terms with his game, so now is the perfect time to become his sugar daddy and take care of him.  Buy him a car, show him how to face the short ball and watch how he performs for you.

Salman Butt – fuck him.  Hard.

Ajantha Mendis – looking for something a little different, freaky, and mysterious.  Mendis’ fingers have it all.  Although, once you’ve worked out all his little tricks, you can always move on to Randiv or Herath.

And ladies, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, if you’re a lady looking to go gay, may I suggest…

Claire Taylor – Probably the biggest catch in world cricket if you’re a woman looking to turn.  She is perfect in every single situation.  You could claim that she isn’t the most stylish, but her results speak for themselves.  Taylor will think herself through every situation, which bodes well for the boudoir.

Mithali Raj – If you’re not as worried about performance, but just want the best looking woman on your arm as you enter the clubs, Mithali is that.  Her cover drive is so sexy that if the entire world watched it together it would create a tsunami of sex juice that would kill us all.  Probably more interested in looking good than being good, but that’s why you turned for her in the first place.

Personally, I turned gay for a pull shot from Matthew Elliott against Allan Donald, alas, the pull shot didn’t have any feelings for me.  So I decided I’d have to become straight.

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balls profile: Brendan Nash

A small cuddly marsupial from Queensland. Despite his obvious lack of talent, Nash has ferreted his way into international cricket.  He fights hard at the crease in much the same way a stuttering cross eyed mobile phone sales man does when tying to sell you a mobile plan in a shopping centre. Is not actually White, but is the lightest player to play for the windies since some other whitie. Nash has been described as the physical embodiment of a net bowler.

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The apocalpyse

This was originally on cricinfo, but, even without swearing and perversions, I really liked it. for some reason I forgot to put it up before.

If the apocalypse were to come tomorrow, most of us would be dead. But if Hollywood has taught us anything it is that people always survive. While Kallis, Ponting and Dhoni wouldn’t make it, there would be cricketers who would. And it isn’t always the most popular or talented who survive the end times.

Nathan Hauritz cannot be killed by bombs or global pandemics. This is a man who couldn’t get picked for his state side, averaged over 50 with the ball in first-class cricket, and now averages 30 in Test cricket. There are no weapons that can keep him down. After the apocalypse he would just roam the earth with that sweet little boyish face of his.

Ashish Nehra went through a career apocalypse, but he is back. I wouldn’t bet on him struggling to survive a worldwide nuclear war. He’d still have that look on his face too, the one that makes you wonder if he has any joy in his life. He’d be in a group that lives in Euro Disney; his role would be of the angry one who doesn’t trust anyone, but he’d be rubbish at catching food.

Kumar Sangakkara would make it through. Then, after an appropriate period, he would take over the world. Artists would carve images of him, people would refer to him as King Kumar, and he would be a fair and just leader. His leadership does have problems, but his suaveness and massive intellect mean he would run the world for at least six years. Until he wants to relax and travel.

Ian Bell can never be killed. Regardless of an apocalypse he is going to be around forever. Still looking good and not making runs. In a dystopian wasteland he’d still manage to find his way into a well-stocked mansion, with others doing the work to make up for him. Even when the whole group dies of food poisoning, Bell survives. He is like a mythical creature that way.

Brendan Nash would not only survive an apocalypse, he’d prosper. Once the world had settled, Nash would move to a new location and just tell them he was always one of them. There would be hostility towards him at first, and mild curiosity, but eventually in this new and desperate land he would come in handy and people would even start to love having him around.

Paul Harris would survive. He might mutate a bit, but like a cockroach or a tax officer he cannot be eradicated. Harris will quickly improvise and become an expert scavenger and sell his goods at a reasonable price, considering the location he lives in.

The New Zealand cricket team would remain okay. They would be watching Eagle v Shark in Chris Martin’s basement when the flesh-eating disease spreads rapidly across the planet, killing everyone. Upon exiting the basement they would have some good times and some bad times, but basically they’d just survive. Even though 90% of the world’s population is dead, their crowd numbers in Test matches stay the same.

Rahul Dravid would never even notice the apocalypse. When the aliens came to kill everyone on the planet with their sonic weapons, he was batting. As we know, when Rahul is batting, nothing can stir him. Even two years after the apocalypse he is still out there, marking his guard, trying to get the sight screen to be moved and planning for what field the captain will set for the next ball.

Buy the book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

We would also accept some tasteful garden furniture.

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administracrats fail, again

When a cricketer walks down the wicket slogging in a crucial game there is a chance that if he misses it he will be out of this game, and perhaps out of the next one.

Cricket, and all sport, is tough like that.

You can be selected on performance, and de-selected on performance.

Cricket Administracrats do not have to worry about this.

They can fuck up for years without fear of demotion.

Even if their error has something to do with their side losing.

Look at the latest fuck up, Imran Tahir, the luscious leggie who is so cool we refuse to bag his alice band.  Mostly.

South Africa lucked into this world-class leg spinner because the dude loves to travel and found himself a wife in their country.

In April 09 he said he was qualified to play for South Africa.

No one questioned it.

Before that he had played in a Presidents XI match against Australia, so he was clearly a chance of international honours.

Then almost a year later he is supposedly qualified and gets picked for a squad when South Africa really need an attacking bowler to help them win, but instead they can’t pick him because he is not yet a permanent resident.  Surely something some official should have known before calling him into the squad.

If South Africa trusted that he was qualified in April 09, why did no one check then on the off chance he might be required?

At best it makes CSA look like a bunch of idiots who have shown that they don’t believe in their spinner but have no other player to replace him. At worst this could cost South Africa the series against England.

There is more though, because it seems that Tahir just doesn’t understand the rules, he thinks that he qualifies because it is four years since he played for Pakistan A, and now is only missing out because of paperwork.

That is not how the system works, as the Times points out (and I have read up on this boring shit before), you need to have lived in the country you wish to represent for at least 180 nights a year for four years.  The times doesn’t think Tahir has, and I have my doubts too.

While these errors were also Tahir’s, someone at CSA should have checked all this out at least two years ago when he was obviously trying to qualify.

And this isn’t some one off. Azeem Rafiq cost Yorkshire points when the played him when he didn’t have a UK passport. Darren “Eyelids” Pattinson played a couple of seasons for Victoria before playing for England, but technically he should have played all his games for Victoria as an overseas player before that, just no one noticed.  Surrey also did a great one when for the 08 season they tried to get Shoaib in for the last four games so they wouldn’t get relegated, by no one checked Shoaib’s visa so he only ended up arriving for the last two games.

Not that it mattered.  He looked shit anyway.

All of these, and there are probably heaps more, have either cost teams or could have cost teams on the field.

I wonder how many people were demoted or fired over it?

Ofcourse the ICC are experts at this kind of fuck up.  How often does an umpire or match referee get refused entry in a country due to visa problems?

But we know that no one gets fired from the ICC, how else would you explain Daryl Harper.

Has anyone even checked if Brendan Nash is Jamaican?  Or did he just rock up with a Marley T-shirt and say I’m one of you, gimme a game?

Buy my book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

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ICC starts using technology for good

I hate to start your new year with a bummer, but I have been told a terrible piece of information, and how could I keep it from you?

The ICC has had enough of cricketers.  Especially the ones we like, the ones with human emotions.

They thought that the Probot craze of the mid 2000s would catch on, but with their prize probot struggling, M Hussey, they now know a more aggressive approach is needed.

Which is why over the last few years they have been introducing Japanese Humanoid Robots into international cricket.

They are easy to spot, but hard to distinguish from probot cricketers, or shit cunts.

So far, I am told, only a few teams have them, but I haven’t been given a list of players who are in fact Japanese Humanoid Robots.

Ofcourse it would be rude of me not to take a guess at a rough list.

Nathan Hauritz – explains a lot really.  Why Australia kept forcing him in the side and why they picked a finger spinner out of club cricket.

Grant Elliott – explains why he looks like a Hollywood c-lister and came from another country.

Brendan Nash – The real Brendan Nash is probably back packing around Peru talking up that 90 odd against Victoria in a shield final. The Robo-Nash has “Team Nash” behind him; obviously this is a fake ICC MacGuffin.

There could be others as well.

The ICC now has cricket where they want it, on flat tracks with high scores, their priority is playing 2020 tournaments every 9 months, and 2020 is a circus in and of itself.

You might think that the Japanese Humanoid Robots that I have outed are a bit rubbish, but the ICC are working on better ones.

These potential early prototypes are programmed to follow every rule, regulation and law to the letter, and spirit of the law. They will never get upset, have no run ins, every umpiring decision will be accepted and when interviewed will behave in a proper way not upsetting any ICC administracrat or sponsor.

The next step is to make them good at the cricket lark, so they don’t look so obvious. Before long the ICC will have them all bowling the carrom ball at 90 miles and hitting sixes with the bat handle up their asses.

No contention, aggression or subversion, just lovely Japanese Humanoid Robots entertaining us with family friendly entertainment.

I can’t wait.  I say fuck the humans, get the Japanese Humanoid Robots in now, the cricket might be poor for a while, but once these robo-cricketers get their groove on they are going to be so much better than human cricketers.

Before we do, we should make sure the ICC representatives are replaced with, oh, never mind.

My book, the t-shirts, or donate.

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Nathan to Brendan

Test cricket is defined by its greatest contests.

Larwood v Bradman.

Lillee v Richards.

Grace v lunch.

And now we have little Nathan v bashful Brendan.

A timidoff of epic preportions.

Fuck the lions, this is Christian v Christian.

They say the meek shall inherit the earth, and it seems Nathan and Brendan are trapped in an fierce death roll to see who is meeker.

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team nash cannot save you

Something wonderful happened on the third day of the Australia West Indies test, Sky lost access to the Channel 9 commentary.

As if that wasn’t wonderful enough, the stump mic was left on, and it happened to be at the best time ever, with Hauritz bowling to Nash with everyone around the bat.

It was only a few balls, but it was my dream come true.

One day I hope to infiltrate cricket so much that the broadcasters let me sit down and just listen to the stump mic.

I want to know what is said out there. Every boring word.

Nash is the sort of guy that would get sledged. He has that sort of victim look about his batting, doesn’t score quickly, always looks nervous, and isn’t about to hit a huge six to shut anyone up.

So it will surprise no one that the Australians got into him.

Most of the guys probably sledged him (if they noticed him), when he was a shield player, but now he sticks out like dog’s balls and the aussies were never going to let him go.

The sledging was not great, it was just about how nervous he was, how unsure he looked, some gentle questions about his demeanour, all that seemed to come from Haddin.

And Haddin also seemed to laugh at him when he left a short shit one which he should have put away.

It was just great to be that up close and personal.

I love hearing talk, even civil chat and shared jokes.

It felt so much more personal, and putting Haddin’s talk with Nash’s batting made the picture so much fuller.

I did feel let down when “Team Nash” wasn’t mentioned, but perhaps Haddin didn’t know about them.

Later on, when the product placement advertising came back on, they just paused for one moment from talking about Mark’s awkward friend Mick and the final of Australia’s funniest home videos for you to hear an Australian call Sulieman Benn a fucken lucky cunt.

It made me smile.

Check out my book, ashes 09: when freddie became jesus.

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you’re so money, prince brendon

The first reason why I should be coach is I am not scared of kicking the ass of the “stars”.

The important moment in the film Swingers is when Mike’s friend Sue goes gangsta on a bunch of dudes, and then turns on Mike and gives him a spray about his life.

He uses the phrase little whiney bitch repeatedly.

This causes Mike to go into a sort of self induced orange juice coma for a few days, then he snaps out of it and ends up dancing to the big bad voodoo daddy band with Heather Graham.

Everyone likes Mike, everyone wants to tell him he is money, everyone trying to cheer him up or be the shoulder to cry on, but clearly all he needed was a tremendous kick in the asshole.

Brendon McCullum has a lot in common with Mikey. Like most kiwi cricketers he is likeable, everyone wants to see him do well and he has an emotional hurdle to over come.

Life hasn’t treated him well of late.

He had to lead the KKR in their marvellous shit storm of a season. Has been blamed for the IPL/NZC contract dispute. Lost his job as Vice Captain. And now is in danger of losing his job as one day opener.

I can see how he would be a little down at the moment. He thinks life is against him, and that he is just shit out of luck, but if he thinks that then he is missing the point.

In all forms of cricket he averages about 30. He almost never makes hundreds, his strike rate (2020 aside) is not awe inspiring, and more often than not he teases rather than wins games. No one of his talent should have an average of 30. He should be travelling around the world kicking ass, not shuffling through cricket without ever doing any real damage.

I like him, but I am always drawn back to his record, and then I sigh.

He needs a monumental kick up the ass. As coach it is my job to kick any asses that need kicking.

“Runs, Motherfucker. Runs. That is what we all want. Forget about leadership, contracts and Shah Ruh Khan, just give us the fucking international fucken runs that you have in you, make them as hundreds not cameos, don’t give us that I’m trying as hard as I can face, give us runs. RUNS. We just don’t care about all the other shit, go out, hit the ball hard, us your talent, shake your self up becauae I am so sick and tired of looking at your record and sighing. New Zealand have a queue of blokes who could keep and average 30, you can do so much fucken more, so fucken do it, stop looking sorry for yourself and just get out there and show us why you are PRince fucken Brendon. Fucken hell, if Brendan Nash had your talent he’d be fucking Don Bradman riding a white stallion and playing in Vegas. You’ve got at least five fucken more years of International cricket, abuse it, molest it, fuck it, just fucking make a mark for fucks sake, you cunt. “

If this doesn’t work I’ll make him 12th man for 10 straight matches. Or Craig McMillan’s butler.

All we want is to see Prince Brendon metaphorically dancing with Heather Graham to swing music. That is not too much to ask for.

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King Probot lite

Had to wait until he was about 30 to get a test cap.

Bowls gentle medium pace.

Makes batting look harder than it is.

And has an average that is proof of an anomaly in the matrix.

Meet Brendan Nash.

If you are an advertiser, and you can’t afford Michael Hussey, Brendan Nash will do, and you’d get him for 1/10th the price.

As i write this Nash has made his first test century, and now averages over 50 runs an innings.

Test cricket has never had a prouder day.

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You can take out the trash, but you can’t take out the Shiv

New Zealand really can’t afford to lose just now.

West Indies are still improving, and another lost series wont be the end of the world.

For the Kiwis it is the end of the world.

They might as well just give it all in and start again.

Because something is wrong if they lose to this team.

Shiv will make runs, because Shiv makes runs, but very rarely does this mean the Windies win the test.

But New Zealand on paper is the better test team.

And losing at home might be the final straw.

So they need to get the 4 wickets quick, and then make 400 runs.

There is already no one at the New Zealand tests, if they lose to the worst real test team, who will turn up then.

What is less than zero?

A first class crowd perhaps.

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