Tag Archives: brad haddin

balls profile: Brad Haddin

Looks more like the clichéd Australian wicket keeper than was ever thought possible. Hits the ball a long way and can, on occasion, stop a ball. . Has a rare hand condition that means he cannot feel the stumps when heis hands knocks up against them.  Once played cricket with Merv Hughes for a team called the comets. Has openly talked about the size of Phil Jaques nuts.

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As seen on cricinfo; inspired by the dude who asked about saw:

One killer. Five cricketers. One house. Who will last?

When Virender Sehwag, and four other cricketers who aren’t Virender Sehwag, wake up in an old creepy mansion they have to face the toughest test of their lives.

Virender, Sulieman, Brad, Daniel, and Shahid all find themselves victims of cruel cricket related horror madness. Are they willing to change the way they play the game to survive. This is the horror film that puts the balls in the right area.

Sulieman Benn wakes up in the end of a hallway, it is pitch black but when he moves a TV screen appears on the roof above him. A blood covered skull moves its jaw bone and says:

“Hello, Sulieman. You are a humble, sane and talented international finger spinner yet you constantly bump into the opposition, trip players up or get in physical entanglements; in Australia you did all three. Did you do it for your team or did you just want some attention? Tonight, you’ll show me. The irony is that if you want to die you just have to have to behave as normal, but if you want to live, you’ll have to walk down this hallway and not bump into any of my friends who are all set up to explode at the smallest of touches, you might survive one bump, but not two.  The door is open at the other end of the hallway; it will be for the next two minutes, the time that your over is supposed to be bowled in if you are playing sensibly.”

A solitary light is turned on and it swings from side to side illuminating all the entire hallway of mechanical creatures that is in store for him and the open door at the end.

Daniel wakes up with his arms and head in a dry plastic tube and the rest of his body in a tank of water.  He struggles a bit, which triggers a voice recording:

“Hello Daniel. If you are tough enough to get hit in the face and then still want to bat in a test match, why don’t you just prove it? Let’s put your so-called “toughness” to the test.  In a few seconds a ball machine will start firing balls into your face, for every one you dodge or deflect will release a fresh water crocodile into the water.  If you are tough, you will take all the balls on the face and make it to the other end of the tank safely, press the water release button, if not, the crocodiles will eat you alive. Each ball will come at 90MPH, Jimmy Anderson pace.”

Brad awakes in a room filled with old machinery he has a letter around his neck.

“Welcome, Brad.  You’ve got fast hands, don’t you?  Now we are going to test them for once and all.  In each of these machines is a key, you will need all six keys to open the door, but the machines will crush the key if you are too late.  If you miss one key the door will never open and you will be stuck here to think about your past digressions until the air runs out.  If you get your hands stuck in the machine, you will be sucked in and crushed.  You’ve gotten away with manoeuvres like this before, think you can again, Brad?”

Shahid wakes up tied up in a body length straight jacket with a weird metal contraption on his head, written in chalk next to him is:

“Hello Shahid. You don’t know me, but I know you. I know you like to use your mouth, but could you use it to save your life? On the table in front of you is a ball of razor wire, inside the ball is a remote control that will release your shackles and open the door.  Since you are such an expert I am sure you won’t cut yourself too much or accidentally slit your throat.  You have 11 minutes, the average amount of time you spend batting, after that the machine on your head will bite your head in half.”

Virender wakes up chained to a vat of yellow liquid with a tape recorder in his pocket:

“Virender, this is your wake-up call. Everyday you embarrass other cricketers by playing shot after shot. Now you will have to change your game.  Your aim in this game is to dead bat the balls, so that the sulphuric acid vat positioned behind you does not break and pour onto you.  If you miss a ball, you will die, if you hit the ball too hard you will die, if you rush forward you will die.  For once you will have to play the anchor role. When you have gotten to the red button at the end of the room the ball machine will stop and your restraints will be released, but to get out of the room you will have to take a blunt axe to the body of an unconscious bowler who is chained in front of your small exit door.  From the time you press the red button you have 2 minutes to dismantle the bowler, if you don’t the vat then the Vat will time out and just release its contents in the room. You have destroyed many a bowler with your bat, can you do it with an axe?”

The first ball fires short and wide of Virender.

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A forensic examination of a shove and a vow

When I read about Sulieman Benn, Brad Haddin and Mitchell Johnson getting into a shoving match I wet myself in at least two different ways.

Then I saw it.

The play by play.

Haddin hits a ball into the ball short on the leg side; Benn and Johnson get in a tangle. Not that it is hard to get tangled with Benn. They collided fairly naturally; Johnson tried to push him away, Benn seemed to grab him and tried to get his leg in his way, and eventually they unentwined and the run was completed.

Haddin got pissed that Benn was grabbing at Johnson; I doubt he would have seen Johnson’s push from his position. He then had a go at Benn, with a bit of bat waving nonsense thrown in.

Then Benn got angry, mostly about the bat waving, as Haddin and Gayle had a fairly unaggressive chat. Benn then kept abusing Haddin (who seemed bored of it and walked away) about the bat waving and kept calling him big man. From what I could hear I believe he said, “Watch yourself, big man, don’t fucken point your bat at me, man.” Gayle didn’t try to do much so Billy came over, eventually.

Then later when Benn was bowling to Haddin he hit one straight back to Benn who feigned that he was going to throw the ball at Haddin/thestumps, probably the equivalent of the bat waving. It was a terrible feign, and obvious he was not going to throw, so much so that you couldn’t even say he was going to throw it at Haddin, as he never really cocked his arm correctly. It was more a wild swing of the arms from a 2 year old.

That was the end of the over and Haddin walked down mouthing off to Benn (Benn could have been mouthing back but that angle wasn’t shown). Benn did a big like point at Haddin, but Johnson got in the way, and Benn’s arm struck Johnson ever so lightly, and Johnson tried to swat it away like someone had poured ice down his top and Benn slapped his arm away.

Then Billy finally got sort of involved and Benn left.

The history.

Haddin and Benn have history, last tour they kept chirping at each other, and at one stage Benn thrust out his leg to try and trip Haddin. Not sure if that had anything to do wit this, but they clearly don’t like each other.

Perhaps Neil Broom and Benn are friends?

In this tour Benn has been yapping non stop to the aussies, and the funniest moment had to be when Watson was marking his guard to start the last innings at Adelaide and Benn was craned over him talking and talking.

Haddin has also been chirping a lot when Benn has been into bat.

The verdict.

What a load of shit. It wasn’t a shoving match; it was an accidental tap and some heated words. Haddin probably rented a high horse he has no moral reason to get on, and Benn overreacted and then dragged it out until it was almost painful to watch.

Perhaps if the ICC want to clean cricket of any sort of human emotion Haddin and Benn should be given a level one fine for the bat waving, feigned throw and swearing, but it still seems pretty piss poor to me. I can’t see how Johnson can even be charged.

But what about Billy, he could have stopped this at any time. What the hell was he doing? First he stood behind the stumps as Benn got angrier and angrier, then he took way too long to get down to where Benn and Haddin were clearly going to meet. Will he get fined for failing to act, will he get warned that he needs to get involved in these things and try and diffuse them. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen Billy stand around and so nothing while teams are getting heated.

My vow.

If any player gets suspended, and from the original charges it seems only Benn can, I will start a petition to get him freed.

Cricket is a passionate game, people get fired up. Things are said, glares are exchanged, bats are waived, and fingers are pointed. That is all good. Passion is why we love this game.

We want to see players who are out there to win, not collect endorsements. Benn is a fiery bugger, and I love that about him. If the ICC wants to take people like him out of the game then they have to get by this site first.

There are no fingers pointed or bats waived in my Ashes book, but there should be.

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overused phrases

While watching the 2020 game yesterday I heard a phrase I have heard so often that it amazes me people still say it.

“You don’t see Yuvraj misfield much”.

Yuvraj has some good skills as a fielder.

He is also lazy, a little dozey, and on a bad day as fumbly as can be.

The sort of guy that will take the special catch and drop the dolly.

It isn’t Yuvraj’s fault, he is who he is.

But why do we have to hear it?

We know it isn’t true by the fact that it seems to be said at least twice every game he plays in.

Yuvraj isn’t the only one.

Brad Haddin missed two balls in last test match that the batsmen had left. You can’t get much easier than that.

The commentators expressed their surprise. Both times.

But when was the last match you saw that Haddin didn’t drop a regulation take or two.

It can’t always be the Lord’s slope.

And how often when he does so has he been called a poor keeper, or called for his shoddy keeping? Like say Matt Prior has been.

Some players just get the run in the box. Reality seems to run a distant second to how they are promoted.

Just once I want to hear, “Fuck me, Yuvraj, for a bloke with fielding skills you sure do fuck up alot”, or “Brad has fumbled again, I feel like I have said that 12 fucken times this test.”

A boy can dream.

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team nash cannot save you

Something wonderful happened on the third day of the Australia West Indies test, Sky lost access to the Channel 9 commentary.

As if that wasn’t wonderful enough, the stump mic was left on, and it happened to be at the best time ever, with Hauritz bowling to Nash with everyone around the bat.

It was only a few balls, but it was my dream come true.

One day I hope to infiltrate cricket so much that the broadcasters let me sit down and just listen to the stump mic.

I want to know what is said out there. Every boring word.

Nash is the sort of guy that would get sledged. He has that sort of victim look about his batting, doesn’t score quickly, always looks nervous, and isn’t about to hit a huge six to shut anyone up.

So it will surprise no one that the Australians got into him.

Most of the guys probably sledged him (if they noticed him), when he was a shield player, but now he sticks out like dog’s balls and the aussies were never going to let him go.

The sledging was not great, it was just about how nervous he was, how unsure he looked, some gentle questions about his demeanour, all that seemed to come from Haddin.

And Haddin also seemed to laugh at him when he left a short shit one which he should have put away.

It was just great to be that up close and personal.

I love hearing talk, even civil chat and shared jokes.

It felt so much more personal, and putting Haddin’s talk with Nash’s batting made the picture so much fuller.

I did feel let down when “Team Nash” wasn’t mentioned, but perhaps Haddin didn’t know about them.

Later on, when the product placement advertising came back on, they just paused for one moment from talking about Mark’s awkward friend Mick and the final of Australia’s funniest home videos for you to hear an Australian call Sulieman Benn a fucken lucky cunt.

It made me smile.

Check out my book, ashes 09: when freddie became jesus.

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Who wants to be an Australian keeper

Christ Hartley does.

And tomorrow he gets his chance as Australia use their 3rd gloveman on this tour.

Going on recent records this means that Hartley will get a broken finger Manou and Haddin style.

The next time Australia tour England they will bring 4 keepers just to be safe.

There is one good thing about all this, every time Australia uses a new keeper, he is better than the last.

Hartley is to Manou what Manou is to Haddin.

There is probably no finer keeper in Australia.

He is Australia’s James Foster, and just recently he has started making some runs.

Don’t let this call up fool you though, he is still well down the queue, Tim Paine would probably be 3rd, but he isn’t in England.

Australia has now run out of keepers in the UK, if Hartley gets injured then Tim Ambrose or Tim Nielsen will have to keep.

I wrote about Hartley when working out who Australia’s back up keeper might be.

“Chris Hartley might be the man to jump the queue. Is the best regular gloveman in the country, and with Crosthwaite, are the only two guys who are proper old school keepers. His career batting average is 27, but is in career best form with the bat, has one hundred this year, 3 50s and that is not including his 82* overnight in the current match. Of all the keepers in Australia only he and Manou seem to be safe in their jobs.”

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16 Reasons Why Australia Won’t Win The Ashes

Ricky Ponting


Let’s start at the top. Ponting runs the risk of becoming the first captain to lose the Ashes twice, and it is a very real risk of that happening. History shows that Ponting’s Aussies do not take defeat likely – witness their thrashings of both England and South Africa after losing to them – but this also shows that they are intent on learning things the hard way. If you can only outsmart Graeme Smith by losing to him, there’s something wrong somewhere in your brain.


There’s no doubt that Ponting the Batsman has improved over the last four years, but Ponting the Captain does not seem to have moved on at all. He’s up against a leader more cerebral than either Smith* or Michael Vaughan and this time he doesn’t have a side full of experienced lieutenants to help him out. Moreover, he’s the only member of the Aussie top order who can be relied upon to make runs during this series; even for a scrapper like Ponting, that’s a heavy weight to bear on top of everything else.


Michael Clarke


Australia’s worst nightmare has to be that Ponting gets injured and Clarke takes over the captaincy. If ever a player failed to live up to his early promise, it’s this guy. The ‘Pup’ nickname hangs around his neck like a leaden dog tag and, no matter how many runs he scores, he never seems to be truly comfortable at the crease. His increasingly anodyne left arm spin means that he cannot truly be regarded as a bowling option in Test cricket. As the changing hairstyles show, he seems to be a man still trying to find his role within the side.


Phillip Hughes


Burst onto the scene against a South African side who had hardly seen any footage of him and scored plenty of runs against an attack somewhat lacking in either brains or guile. Even so, he showed some weakness against the rising ball bowled from around the wicket and moving into him. England’s attack might not be as pacy as the South Africans’, but Broad and Anderson certainly have more wit about their bowling than Steyn, Nel and Ntini and Flintoff specialises in the sort of ball Hughes has trouble with.


Moreover, whilst he has been scoring a truckload of runs whilst playing for Middlesex, he will find an English Test attack in English conditions a very different proposition to a popgun Division Two one, especially as he will have provided hours of footage for England to analyse. Indeed, a conspiracy theorist might suggest that county attacks had been told to keep him at the crease for as long as possible.


Simon Katich


The most surprising survivor of the 2005 side, Katich reinvented himself as an attacking opening bat to win back his place in the side. The suspicion remains that the technical defects exploited by England four years ago remain and will be even more exposed against the new ball than the old one. The fact that his famously volcanic temper seems to have worsened over the intervening four years won’t have helped and the stress of an Ashes series is likely to provoke at least one flashpoint during the summer. That his left arm wrist spin is now an even more effective weapon could actually act against the Aussies, as the lack of other spin bowling options could force them to retain him even if he does hit a bad run of form.


Mike Hussey


Mr Cricket is in the worst run of form of his career. Whilst he could conceivably come out of it before the Ashes begin, it is hard to see how five months with no first class cricket at all will assist. His performances against South Africa this winter suggest that he may have lost his nerve against quality fast bowling.


Marcus North


As well as having to deal with the tensions of a first Ashes series, North now has to prove that he is worthy of the number six spot over and above the missing Andrew Symonds. Has plenty of experience of English conditions, but again has only played in the second division here. Another who will probably rely upon his bowling to retain his place.


Andrew McDonald


Probably the luckiest man to be on this tour. Has yet to convince anyone other than the Aussie selectors that he is Test class. As a rule, gingers aren’t.


Shane Watson


Has shown occasional flashes of being able to play at this level. Problem is that, any time he hits a good vein of form, he gets injured. It is as if there is some kind of horrendous curse on the man. When asked why he had been selected, Andrew Hilditch didn’t seem to know. Which doesn’t exactly bode well.


Brad Haddin


Iron gloves, dubious morals and has only had one decent run of scores at Test level. Basically, not Adam Gilchrist on so many levels. Even allowing for the fact that he had a hard act to follow, is not likely to frighten any international attack and batsmen will always feel comfortable with him standing up to the stumps.


Graham Manou


Not even Brad Haddin.


Mitchell Johnson


Frustratingly inconsistent, he has the ability to damage any batting order with the ball and demoralise bowling attacks with his late order hitting. However, still seems equally likely to get carted around the park with the ball and to be dismissed cheaply. The latter calls into question his credentials as a Test match number eight. Basically, until he learns some self control, he’s not going to be the threat he should be.


Brett Lee


Will the real Brett Lee please stand up. He seemed to be rising to the challenge of leading the attack in place of McGrath, even during the 2005 Ashes. But once Pigeon was gone for good, he lost form, got injured and the cycle just seemed to repeat itself. His overall statistics haven’t altered much, but it is hard to see how he is going to be the same player that he was four years ago after so much time away from the game.


Peter Siddle


His record against South Africa cannot be ignored, but neither the fact that the bulk of his Test wickets have come in hot, dry conditions. Will only be a serious contender on this tour if the summer is unusually warm, especially as he has never played in England before.


Stuart Clark


Like Lee, coming back from a serious injury. Hard, therefore, to see him starting in the Cardiff Test, which will then deprive Australia of their most potent bowling threat in English conditions.


Nathan Hauritz






In short. The Aussies aren’t going to win the Ashes, England are going to have to lose them.

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How to win the Ashes

According to Foxsports Mickey Arthur has released a manual how to win the ashes.

Even though he has publicly taken his name out of the ring about 5 times, there are still camps who believe he wants the gig.

Foxsports believe releasing his  blueprint on how to beat Australia is another step to taking over.

But this must be the guide to beating Australia for ADD afflicted coked up monkeys.

It isn’t a plan, it’s a line on how to test each batsman.

And not always a good line.

Phillip Hughes: Cramp him up, bowl around the wicket to him and get him on the front foot.

If this was their plan they failed to execute it on like three levels. And perhaps that is why he top scored in the series.

Simon Katich: A solid player. Aim for his off-stump and get him coming forward on the line of a fourth stump.

I’m not sure I even understand the premise here. It should read, bats like a krab, kill it.

Ricky Ponting: You have to bowl wide to him. He loves the feel of bat on ball and reaches for it. Bowl to Punter on the line of a fifth stump.

No talk of tall bowlers bowling off cutters? Ishant Sharma and Morne Morkel, anyone? Plus all bowlers should spit on their hands before bowling to him.

Mike Hussey: Despite the fact that Mr Cricket knows English conditions very well, get him out of his comfort zone. Get under his skin with short fast bowling.

Seems to nick out from full balls alot early on, and plays on off shorter balls once set. Also, is fully shit now, aim at stumps and wait for cheer.

Michael Clarke: He doesn’t move his feet outside his crease. Try the three-card trick: two short deliveries, then the all-important third right in the blockhole.

Goes out near breaks, plays balls in the air through cover point with religious fanaticism. Or just tell him Katich wants a word after play with him.

Marcus North: Bowl just outside the off-stump at a player who looks to be a good find and has made the number six spot all his own, following his solid debut tour of South Africa.

Just outside off, seems like you have worked him out, perhaps you should tell all bowlers about this revolutionary theory.

Brad Haddin: he stays leg-side and flays through the off-side. Utilise two gullies as he hits the ball in the air in that region.

How about keeping a ring field until he has a brain fade.

If I was an ECB big wig, i’d be a pompous wanker, and this would not impress me at all.

I know 12 year olds who could be chained to the couch with pen and paper and come up with better than this.

That’s not true, I don’t know any 12 year olds.

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Haddin Vs Vettori

This is one of those tosses that should be interesting.

With Ponting and Clarke out, Australia have decided on Haddin (?) as their captain for this 2020 game.

Which means he and Vettori will have a mexican stand off before the game.

I don’t even think they should toss the coin, I think they should should just fight to the death, and if Vettori beats Haddin to death, White, Australia’s new vice captain (!), can take over.

See how everyone wins.

I don’t really see Haddin as a captain, but obviously someone at cricket Australia has a sense of humour.

Fancy that.

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Trev Barry wash up

Sorry about the pun.

I don’t usually wrap up one day series, and I wont do this one.

I will say sucks to be you New Zealand, 2 zip up, work their way back to 2 all, and then rain fucks up their finish.

That must smart.

This has been an interesting time for the players though, there has been some fresh faces, some character arcs, and forced rests.

Martin Guptil may have a stupid name (it’s not funny or cool to say, yet still odd enough to mention) but he showed on debut he can bat, well last night he showed he can smack, slap, and carry his team.  The rest of the series he struggled a bit, but there is class and dash in him.

Callum Ferguson jumped the queue by finding form at the exact right time, and then kept his spot by getting some of the best luck of any debutante ever. Hard to say whether he made more runs, or got more dodgy LB decisions, but once he was let go at the Gabba, he was a force of furious destruction.

Ben Hilfenhaus has been talked up for a long time, but when he finally gets in he is very up and down. His good is unplayable, his bad is anal fodder, and no one is any surer about him now than they were before.

Tim Southee came into the series with a decent effort against Australia in the test series behind him, but in the one dayers he has been easier to score from than Tara Reid. He also has only 3 wickets in the series, and without the new ball he looks like a change bowler.

Brad Haddin took his chance at the top of the order, the one that most people thought he would have had by now. He really isn’t, and has never been, a good middle or lower middle order white ball batsman. At the top of the order he took over, and Warner might have to wait a while for a recall now.

Iain O’Brien needs a swab. In England he was a medium slow bowler who filled up an end. Now he is almost genuinely quick, and he took 10 wickets in this series, the Australian’s seemed to score off him easily, but if he can keep taking 2 wickets a match the kiwis will keep him around.

James Hopes has gone from a bits and pieces all rounder to the man Ponting throws the ball to during a drama. He has also batted in the top order, and his forehead is still awesome.

The greatest story has to be Grant Elliott, who has managed to turn himself from Jacob Oram’s hamstring replacement, into an international all rounder. No one is sure how, but he has.

One day you might say, “as kiwi as Grant Elliott”.

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