Tag Archives: australia player profiles

balls profile: michael clarke

“Didn’t I always tell you if I stayed in place and never spoke up, good things were bound to happen?” said General Casey in Mars Attacks before he meets the martian ambassadors.  Michael Clarke’s career has seemingly been much of the same.  I know he likes cars, women and tattoos, but other than that I have never really detected an ounce of personality or anything he really believes in.  He may be a pod. His batting is now professionally carried out, after earlier histrionics and making runs when Australia were on top.  Likes quick return flights between Australia and New Zealand.  He bats in a constant 3rd gear, and seems to have removed fourth and fifth as an option. His left arm spin is luckier than Lyle Lovett at times.  In many ways Clarke is the Celine Dion of modern cricket.

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balls profile: mitchell johnson

If you imagine the whole world is a scary place where anything could kill you, now you’re thinking like Mitchell Johnson. His tongue and labrette piercings were no preparation for the pain he would feel on the 09 Ashes trip. Given the gift of express pace and the power to lift the ball out of the ground there should be nothing stopping him. This is not the case. Instead is more like a lion scared by mice. His left arm slingy action is fast, proper fast. Facing it must be like being stuck in a horror film that is so bad it’s good. Has a brilliant knack of getting wickets just after every Australian in the crowd has demanded he be taken off. Once gave up cricket to drive a van for a plumber. Is not an all rounder, probably never will be as he leaves the cricket the ball much like Christopher Walken would have in Deer Hunter.

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balls profile: shane watson

Other balls profiles.

It takes real talent to be hated when you are pathetic and just as despised when you are good. Even those who have the talent to get to this level of hatred could never do it as well as Shane Watson. When not in front of the mirror, he seems to be able to move 95% of cricket fans into a frenzy of hate, pure detestation, clear revulsion, and a general uneasy sickness of rage. When he walks around town he has to prance through puddle after puddle of bile as people tend top spew it towards him involuntarily. The great thing about Watson is he seems to not be overly worried by this, the slushing of the bile around his trendy shoes has never changed who he is. His effectively-bullish technically-flawed batting and his elderly-man-getting-out-of-a-car bowling style have very little to do with the bile. The fact that he’s made himself into a very respectable opener does nothing to stop the loathing, and his bowling getting worse didn’t endear him to anyone either. It seems that almost everyone has a reason to hate Shane Watson, the most common being his fear of ghosts, how metrosexual he is, the posing, that he was created during operation paper clip, when he sent off Chris Gayle, calling a press conference to explain how he ate his breakfast (that he bought with Medifast coupons), how he is now good, calling Ajmal for chucking while facing him, that he was once rubbish and the time he hit Gambhir’s elbow. The really good thing about Watson is you don’t need a reason to hate him, it just comes natural. I’m sure he is a great friend, lover, confidant and son, when not playing cricket. He appears daily on the honours board at Lords, like Agit Agarkar. Does Pilates, not Yogalates, the prick.

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balls profile: nathan hauritz

Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

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balls profile: ricky ponting

A great batsman with a very disagreeable face is what I would put on his tombstone. There are assholes who hide their assholishness, and there is Ricky Ponting, the sort of man who seems to proudly wear a badge that says asshole on his shirt. You’re perfectly allowed to hate him, I doubt it bothers him.  Has been described as a hairy armed goblin. Ricky has amazing integrity, he keeps it in a special glass cabinet that only he has to the key for.  Had some punchy while drunk problems years ago, but no one cares anymore.  In Ponting’s world view, we’re all wrong.  Bowls really cool medium pace, but very rarely.  His pull shot and this medium pace are my favourite things about him. My father believes he couldn’t captain his way out of a paper bag, one day I’d like to shrink him down to size and see if that is possible. Or get a big paper bag. Thinks that by spitting onto his hands he gives himself magic powers. It probably does.

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balls profile: mike hussey

The greatest anomaly in the matrix ever, the former king probot started his career so well that it was impossible to trust in reality.  Then, he became shit, and we all bought it again.  Now he is somewhere in the middle. His batting swings between saving Australia in matches they shouldn’t win, and looking like he is only walking out to make a duck.  Considering his often great performances are against Pakistan, it is amazing he has never been looked into by the ICC. His batting has more nerdish intensity than a twilight/star trek crossover convention.

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balls profile: Simon Katich

That the Krab has a career at all is testament to the human spirit and proof that appearances do not matter.  Katich’s early career was mostly shit.  Then he went off and made his technique even more unwatchable.  Some thought this meant he should be stood on by a giant boot, but that ridiculously ugly technique seems to work for modern Test Cricket.  Has now made himself into one of the few grizzled opening batsmen in world cricket.  Still fucks up close to hundreds a lot.  His popularity levels tripled at around the same point Michael Clarke’s throat was grabbed.

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balls profile: Peter Siddle

Visited Euro Disney after the Ashes.  Few players would show that sort of determination to the cause.  But that is Sids.  His face shows the sort of pain and desperation he is willing to go through for the cause.  As someone once said, “He looks like he would run through a brick wall for his country, and his face shows he already has.”  It is that gritty face that proves that he has what it takes to be a fast bowler.  Started International cricket by hitting Gotham Gambhir on the head.  Gets injured a fair bit, but never got injured when swinging an axe inches from his feet for sport.  Go figure.

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balls profile: Ben Hilfenhaus

Part Clydesdale, part man.  Before trying to bring the art of out swing back to the people of Australia, he was a bricklayer.  He uses his brickie hands, his brickie shoulder and his brickie mentality to bowl many overs for Australia until he gets injured and Australia call someone else in.  It shows how tough test cricket is, because when he was a brickie he would get the rest of the brickies to throw bricks at him and he’d let them hit him for hours on end.  Would look better with a mullet.

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balls profile: Doug Bollinger

Doug Bollinger has been proving the Sampson fairy-tale since his international career began.   He has the face of an angry baby, and sometimes the temper and temperament of one.  There have been team mates, opposition players, media, people who met him once at a party and general fans who have said that Douggie can be prone to hilarious stupidity.  They could be wrong and he could be an evil genius who has spent his whole life tricking people into thinking he is stupid to out think batsmen when he makes test cricket. It’s possible.  His left arm pace bowling is in your face, like a inappropriate friend of your fathers who speaks loudly an inch away from you.

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