Tag Archives: aus v ind

Nathan Hauritz must be banned from test cricket

During the last day’s play Nathan Hauritz committed cricket’s ultimate sin, chucking.

It was an obvious chuck as he tried desperately to get Australia back in the game.

The ball was the 15degree testing doosra.

The one cricket delivery that gets people bowling topless in Perth with white patches on their chest more than any other.

While some bowlers bowl this ball in such a way that it defeats the batsman, Hauritz’s versions just sort of limped down the wicket and it looked like Sachin knew he was bowling it before he did.

I noticed the doosra before the ball landed, I noticed it because Hauritz clearly changed his action and threw the ball.

Next to me was the bear from test match sofa, who also called the chuck, and then the doosra.  On twitter it seemed that only a handful of people mentioned it.  Google news also has no news of it.

Somehow this doosra has been lost while the media talked about Shane Warne and Ricky Ponting fighting over Hauritz’s stupid field placements.

This could be a conspiracy to cover up a doosra, or just star power overshadowing what to some people might be a fairly uneventful moment in cricket.

This is eventful, majorly eventful.  An Australian is bowling a delivery that Australian’s believe is a chuck.

He is also bowling it in a way that makes it look even more like a chuck that it usually does.

So there is only one thing to do, Cricket Australia must take Nathan Hauritz out of test cricket.

No testing, no remodelling of actions, no ban on bowling a doosra, Australia needs to get old school on this.

They need to treat Hauritz the same way two Victorians were once treated, by taking them out of cricket straight away without any sort of fair hearing.

The Meckiff/Corbett rule should be used so that all we have is some backroom whispers and then lack of Hauritz name on the team sheet.

It should happen just that quick and quietly, like a 1950s hit.

As Australians we take chucking very seriously, and if this means getting rid of our first choice spinner, well that is just the decision we will have to make to keep our integrity.

Sorry, Nathan, but you must go for the greater good.  As much as it pains me.

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Surprisingly, india is better than australia

Australia ranked 4/5 in the world, lose to India who are ranked number 1.

It’s not that odd.

Sure it is the first time Australia has lost 3 tests on the trot in over 20 years.

And also the first time they have been clean swept in a series, if this is a series, in even longer.

What is odd is that Australia ever got in positions to win on the last day.

Other things happened, but they can be overlooked or covered in a line.

Nathan Hauritz struggled against the best players of spin in the world.

Both captains seemed to be phoning it in with decisions.

Ponting couldn’t make a hundred.

Tendulkar, Watson and North all proved they were the world’s best batsmen.

George looked really awkward, but not to face.

Sharma can bat, but not really bowl.

Che was revolutionary.

Michael Clarke didn’t tour.

Vijay made people talk about stereotypes.

North is the most backable batsman ever.

VVS is still pretty handy.

Douggie lost a game for Australia when his tummy was sore.

The world’s greatest commentary teaming was found, Hogg and Laxman.

Sure it was only two tests, but it did save Australia from losing 3 nil.

With no Victorians in the side Australia were always going to struggle.

India are still pretty good, but still far from great.

I’ll be looking forward to sleeping normal hours.

Sehwagology saves.

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previously at bangalore

It’s like last week, but prettier.

Australia

Almost proved time travel possible at times.  Could never quite get their heads in front though.  Their best chance of winning was always going to be getting bowled out and hoping that Sehwag gets lost on his way to the ground.

India

Their batting was a visual representation of how good ideas go bad.  They seemed genuinely surprised that Australia didn’t just collapse in the second innings.  Their field settings seemed like they had consulted a magic 8 ball.

Who’s in front

India, mostly.  Not completely, I think.  But last week they chased more on a better wicket against a better attack.  The draw is still a possibility.  I really have no idea.

Play of the day

MS Dhoni’s keeping in this series has been much like Michael Bay’s directing career.  Yesterday he did pull off one remarkable piece of keeping.  The stumping itself was fairly straight forward, Clarke drags his foot, Dhoni takes off the bails, Clarke doesn’t realize he is out of the crease.  But Dhoni gave it more, he gave Clarke’s foot the point and laugh.  This should be familiar to anyone who went to school and had the fly undone, toilet paper on their shoe, food on their shirt, or any other unforgiveable schoolyard sin.  I applaud Dhoni’s point and laugh.

Testicular moment of the day

While anything short of 248 seemed like a failure for Sachin Tendulkar, his double century was pretty handy.  For fans of Sachin (of which there are dozens) the best thing that can happen is for India to lose.  A double century in a losing game is legendary.  It says, I’m really fucken magnificent even when my team play like anal leaches.

Working class moment of the day

Ricky Ponting made another 70 odd.  Even in his worst form of the last ten years he is still the class in this line up.  It is just that he is less class now, more angry terrier gripping at your pant leg.

Weird factoid of the day

Peter George has invented the slower slower bouncer.  Unlike other slower bounces that just look like filthy half trackers, George’s ball actually stops in mid air, pauses, has a look around, and then continues on past a batsman who is busy playing his third shot at it.

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previously at bangalore

Welcome to the Sachin Tendulkar show.

Australia

It could have been worse, not much, but worse.  Sachin could have taken a mask off to reveal that he was actually a meat eating alien and swallowed Ben Hilfenhaus whole.

India

Seemed to enjoy batting against this attack, I can’t see why. Donated a few late wickets to Australia, it seemed that Sachin requested this.  He wants to beat Australia, but he is too classy to actually embarrass this kind of Australian team.

Who’s in front

Theoretically Australia are still in the game, but theoretically space travel is possible.

Play of the day

Nathan Hauritz’s good test continued when all he had to do was hit Tim Paine up with a fairly regulation throw and instead he missed by a long enough margin to make it funny.  If I was Ponting I would have been tempted to bowl him non stop in the last two sessions as punishment.

Testicular moment of the day

How smooth is Murali Vijay?  Very.

Working class moment of the day

When Ben Hilfenhaus first became a professional cricketer he probably thought it would be an easier profession than being a brick layer.  But is it possible he ever lifted a heavier load than Peter George and Nathan Hauritz?  His swearing when his LB shout off Vijay was turned down was high class.  Mumbly swearing to yourself is the best swearing.

Weird factoid of the day

Jason Krejza was mentioned 15478 times in cricket conversations yesterday, and he wasn’t even picked for Tasmania’s game against New Texas.

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Sachin Tendulkar scores two centuries in one day

You already know that Sachin Tendulkar is better than you. No matter what your special talent is he’d be better at it. He can juggle Volkswagens while rolling a cigarette without use of his arms.

Today, as we can reveal exclusively, he took his special skills further when he performed perhaps the greatest feat in test cricket, making a hundred at both ends.

While many people claimed to have seen Murali Vijay at the other end, this was actually a hologram.  Vijay is class, but he was not even at the Bangalore ground.

Sachin’s trick was necessary because the laws of cricket state that you can’t bat at both ends at once.  Sachin, like a young Bruce Wayne, wanted to spice things up a bit. And really, what is cooler than batting at both ends.

Apparently he first decided to do this when seeing Peter George and Nathan Hauritz bowl in tandem yesteryday.

“Sometimes, you can’t rely on the other batsman to get you on strike, but by being at both ends I could face them at all times”.

The trick that was done with Sachin’s special effects company – Tenduklar light and magic – and special consent from the BCCI via text message.

You might say that while Sachin’s batting was good, he has surely played better innings from just one end. It’s true, but batting at both ends is quite tiring after a while.

Most cricketers get tired just batting at one.  Plus, all those mid pitch conversations must have been weird.

“Sachin, you are god”.

“No, Sachin, you are god”.

“You’re too kind to say so, but you’re so money and you don’t even know it”.

The ICC are already looking at banning this technology, they’ve consulted Simon Katich and he is against it.

It was originally thought that Australia would be upset over the trick, but when asked, Ponting said, “Really, well, that is weird, but to be honest we probably wouldn’t have got the hologram out today, let alone another batsman. The boys tried really hard though and I hope they can have a big day tomorrow”.

Brad Hogg also discussed it, “Look, Indians really love cricket, and I don’t know what all this talk about telegrams is, but they love their cricket here, I’ll tell you that”.

Sachin and the real MS Dhoni will continue their innings tomorrow.

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previously at bangalore

Australia and India audition for a role in groundhog day.

Australia

Had the best of the first session when India went on strike.  Then scored the least amount of runs possible to get a real advantage.  The bowling started so well that it must have hurt when all hope of a wicket disappeared later on.

India

When India bat second they seem to almost forfeit the first innings.  What I did like is the way they tried everything they could to make sure that Australia continued to score quickly.  You know what though, Sachin is pretty good.

Who’s in front

Australia should be, but 8 wickets now looks like a mirage to them.  India still have to play really badly to not end up behind.  But I thought that last test, and Australia then bowled really well.  It couldn’t happen again.  Probably.

Play of the day

Ian Gould has one hell of a sense of humour.  Last test he sat back and let Billy take all the heat for a series of stunningly odd umpiring decisions.  Yesterday, he thought he’d do a parody of one. Tim Paine somehow edged a very wide ball, he was a third of the way off when Gould stopped him, and checked on the no ball with his walkie talkie.  It was a no ball, and the KRUD system worked well even without Katich.

Testicular moment of the day

While his batting has become so consistent, duck, duck, duck, golden goose, you have to admire someone who can so regularly save their own ass.  This was also the first hundred by an aussie in this series.  It might have come against a bored bowling unit and faux fielding places, but it was when Australia needed it. Marcus North might be fun to take the piss out of, but the boy danced like no one was watching.  He also rocked a weird painted on grin for the day.

Working class moment of the day

Peter George found out that in test cricket you need way more than faith in the true American idol.  He might have some skill, but it was lost in the tall bundle of nerves that was delivering some truly awful deliveries.

Weird factoid of the day

Sachin Tendulkar became the first test cricketer to score 14017 runs.  Can he become the first batsman to make 14018 today?

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Marcus North fails

I don’t feel bad that he couldn’t do it for me.

It is such a shame to see a cricketer try so hard and fail.

That is what the decent crowd at Bangalore saw today, a professional cricket do his utmost, but just not make it.

It is heartbreaking, and no one who saw it left without a tear in their eye.

Oh, Marcus, you try so hard, but you couldn’t do it could you.

Now he is trapped in test cricket, perhaps forever, to taunt me.

No one will ever pay more dearly for a failure to fail than I will for Marcus North’s innings today.

Ofcourse, it isn’t that North has failed himself, he has failed me.

It’s like I am trapped watching him in some surrealist play where North lives his life on a knife edge, literally.  Greg Chappell owns a giant knife, and part of his new role in heading the NSP is him wearing silk robes and making Marcus North balance on the edge while he eats pickles and listens to the Jonas Brothers.  Occasionally people, like me, come in and throw various sex toys at him, and his every move is filmed in close up and shown back to him in HD. As for me I’m forced to watch the whole thing in a ballareina costume sitting in the world’s most uncomfortable theatre chair.

All North needed to do is fail and he could go back to shield cricket and get into cricket administration as soon as possible.  I’m sure he’d look good in a suit, and it would make me feel better.

When you are a professional cricketer with pride in your performance, failing is hard to do.  And, bless his little heart, North just couldn’t manage it. Not even for me.

Personally, I think that for the sake of my mental wellbeing the Australian selectors should just let North go.  Forget about the good of the team, think about me, slaving away everyday over a keyboard to write my work, and having the spectre of Marcus North ruining my work.

Winning isn’t everything, and if it is better for me that North is out, frankly the Australian team will just have to do without him.

Let him run free, let him live, oh why won’t they let him live, damn them all to hell.

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previously at bangalore

Australia

Had a perfectly respectable day of test cricket where none of their players made hundreds and they battled the urge to collapse at all times.  Peter George has skinny arms.

India

Decided that fielding was optional early on.  Never bowled truly bad, but made up for that in the field.  Hung around while Australia made about 5 mistakes.

Who’s in front

Oh, it’s a classic day of test cricket where no one is in front and people who don’t understand cricket get angry.

Play of the day

No one has ever confused Zaheer Khan with Jonty Rhodes.  One is an Asian man with massive shoulders and the other looks like what would be called in the gay community a twinkie.  Today, Zaheer pushed them further apart when he “tried” to field a ball that Ricky Ponting skied.  While most players would have got close enough to it for it to be called a chance, or even taken it, Zaheer had other ideas.  He sort of stumbled in the direction of the ball without purpose, losing his hat even though he didn’t seem to be moving that fast, suddenly put out a hand for no real reason as the ball was a fair distance from him, letting the ball bounce and then turned as slow as any boat in history to jog slowly to the ball that was travelling into the rope at the alarming rate of one inch per ten seconds, amazingly the ball still won.  Yes that was a long sentence, but only because I tried to recall the incident in real time.

Testicular moment of the day

The Bangalore crowd.  Indians keep telling me that they don’t need crowds for test cricket to survive in India, but isn’t it more fun when they turn up?  They booed Ricky, cheered their team on and gave the ground an atmosphere.  If the major cities of India are the grounds where test cricket will get crowds, why bother playing tests at venues that people don’t go to?

Working class moment of the day

There is no secret that Ricky Ponting doesn’t score much in India.  It could be that coming from a small country town he is not used to lots of people and when he gets to India he has a constant case of Enochlophobia.  Or something boring like the pitches not suiting him.  Either way, for the second time in this series he has looked in control of his game enough to cruise to a test hundred, only to do something stupid.  You could argue that it was an average decision by Billy, but if you made an argument like that for every Billy average decision you’d be really tired.

Weird factoid of the day

If you put Che Pujara’s nose and Peter George’s ears on a potato you’d have one fucked up looking Mr Potato Head.

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Marcus North is a cockroach

It’s true that I have almost exhausted all the different terms I can use to describe Marcus North, but in my defence, I never thought he’d still be around.

I have him as organized, a toaster who makes waffles, a spy, and probably other terms I have forgotten now.

Right now, I think he is a cockroach.

They say cockroaches would survive an apocalypse; well Marcus North would survive the entirety of Earth being burnt for a 100 years straight.  He’d start slow, and at times it would look like he wasn’t going to make it because of nerves and his backlift.  If you checked about 70 years into the fire you’d see he was now well set, and just living an unassuming yet fully functional life as others around him had crashed and burned.  His bowling would be more handy than you’d think in a fire.

Ofcourse, he has better timing than that of a cockroach, he has the timing of a Paul Collingwood.  That sort of annoying probot timing that starts to ring alarm bells in their head when they realise the selectors are about to drop them.

You can’t blame them, too many cricketers slip out of test cricket without even a whimper, North clearly does not want to go.

What you do wish is that instead of saving this freakish desperation for the test before they are dropped, they’d just do it all the time.

North averages 35 in test cricket, if that desperation to not be the car that gets scrapped could be harnessed into every innings, he would average 45 and wouldn’t be on the chopping block.

Collingwood and North have gone about these career saving knocks quite differently.

When Collingwood plays for his career, before he goes out to bat he chisels an expression of angst onto his face and goes out there to score enough joyless runs to save his career.

North smiles.  It is almost like he has already decided he will be dropped and this is his last hurrah, so he might as well have fun.  Usually he looks like a tour guide who has turned down the wrong street.

This carefree North looks like a test cricketer.  Today he came out and just scored, when a ball beat him, he laughed it off, when something happened that he didn’t expect he smiled and generally he looked like he belonged out on the field.

It doesn’t bother me that North isn’t that good, as long as he makes runs.  I don’t care that he isn’t in the most talented ten batsmen in the country, just that he makes consistent runs.  With consistent runs I will shut up, but if all he can do is cheap runs and the odd career saver, well then, I have a problem.

I don’t care that he is a toaster/cockroach/Collingwood hybrid, I just want some consistent runs, or for him to get the ass.  It is the in-between times that bother me.

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The great test cliché guide

After a test that good, you can get tired.

You are tired from living through the last moments of it, and then you get further drained by the conversations after it.

Especially from those people who have never mentioned cricket in 7 years, but suddenly pretend to be as obsessed as you are because they happened to catch the last ten minutes of the match, or heard a radio presenter sound enthused.

If you are sick of dealing with these people, you can say any of the below clichés and walk away leaving them with something profound to think about.

That was for those who say test cricket is dead.  Ha, ha.

Cricket is the big winner.

In a test like that it’s a shame that there has to be a loser.

Both teams can hold their heads high after this brilliant advert for test cricket.

A true contest between bat and ball.

This will bring the crowds back to test cricket.

This test has saved test cricket.

It doesn’t matter who wins, it’s just great to have a match that close.

Who cares about T20 today?

If ever anyone doubted Test cricket’s ability to capture the hearts and minds of the people, they won’t after today.

One wicket wins were better in my day.

Thanks to those on twitter who clichéd me up.

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