Tag Archives: ashley noffke

Why Ashley Noffke doesn’t play for Australia more

No it isn’t just the fact that Stuart Clark turned out to be a better McGrathlite.

It is this: MP Vaughan c wicketkeeperDavies b Noffke 5

Talk about sabotaging one of Australia’s main plans in this years ashes.

How will we get Vaughan into the side now.

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Australia hit the red panic button

Andrew McDonald comes in, and logic takes a holiday

If you want a Victorian perspective on what this means, go here.

For Ausralia it means the panic button has been pressed.

It’s not that Andrew McDonald isn’t a good cricketer, he is.

Just that his selection has a mad sense of panic all over it, the selectors no longer believe 4 bowlers are enough for Australia.

They probably don’t believe 5 is enough, but that is as far as they are going to stretch it.

Ashley Noffke must be confused, again, first he missed out to Siddle in India, Geeves in Darwin and now to McDonald in Sydney.

It’s probably payback for all the damage he has caused to people down south over the years.

I would have picked him, because he is a bowling all rounder, and he is going to be more useful than McDonald where Australia really need him.

But they haven’t, which means they don’t think the batting is any better.

McDonald is a handy batsman, not as good as Haddin though, in general he gets starts and then gives them away.

In 44 first class matches he has only 2 hundreds, which sounds shithouse, but throw in a playful 15 half centuries.

It shows he can bat, but he has trouble committing to the relationship.

His bowling is slightly better than Roy’s medium pace.

His first class bowling record is pretty good, an average of 30, and he does pick up wickets fairly easily, but he is just a medium pacer who swings it, and his record is improved by playing at the swing friendly MCG with a good bowling attack around him.

The big problem with his selection is it breaks the unofficial Australian rule. McDonald is not good enough to play as a batsmen or a bowler.

He is what I like to call a South African all rounder.

South Africa played heaps of them in the 90’s.

Guys who could bat a bit, bowl a bit, but had no place in test cricket.

McDonald probably has the talent to make it as a batsmen, but 44 matches for 2 hundreds is not a test batsmen, it’s not even close.

Noffke is a proper bowler, he could easily play as a bowler only, even without his batting, but he has been overlooked by someone with a lot of ability, but no real performances on the board.

Although i still say that there is a chance that the wrong player could have been selected.

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The Sheffield Shield, brought to you by a soggy breakfast: QLD

QLD, the New Texas Bulls

Players that won’t be available for large parts of the season.

Hayden, Roy?, Watson and Hopes.

Losing Watson and Hopes in the one season would cripple most state teams, but the one thing Queensland has is all rounders.

The two bets performed all rounders in state cricket last year were Ryan Harris and Ashley Noffke, they are now team mates, and Noffke has a point to prove.

Last year they were plainly spoken complete fucken rubbish. Actually they were way worse than that.

They were old, stale, and pathetic.

This year the have shed Maher and Kasprowicz, for some unknown reason kept Bichel, and Johnson has gone to be with his girlfriend.


Chris Simpson is the new captain, and I don’t know a lot about him, it always seems risky when a team makes a fringe player a captain, but if he is the only choice, he is the only choice.

He said some strong words in the media about hard work and so forth, but so did Nathan Adcock last year, and where is he now, exactly.


Ashley Noffke was the best bowler outside of test cricket last year. Ryan Harris was the hardest working man in show bizness last year,

But once these two are finished what does Queensland have. They have no spinners, Andy Bichel and lots of untried bowlers, Noffke and Harris would have to take a lot of wickets, and if one gets the call up, Queensland are in trouble.





And all rounders.

I have never seen a state line up look so bare.

Noffke and Harris may end up with all the wickets and all the runs.

Long in the tooth

Andy Bichel is technically already dead and no one has told him and Martin Love is pensioner, if both of these guys play out the whole year I’d be surprised.

Ready to shed the nappies

Ummmm, shit, lets say Alistair McDermott who makes other red heads look subtle.




One dayers



Second Last.

The rub

They seem old and ordinary, and the probably are, remember when they were good.

The Robert DeNiro mob

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Andy Bichel is still a Twat, and so is Brad Hodge

“You think, ‘What’s going on here?’ Even Brett Geeves getting a game against Bangladesh… it should have been Ashley Noffke. It’s just mind-blowing.” Andy Bichel

I have never liked Andy Bichel, his face offends me.

But this is nonsense.

Ashley Noffke had an ordinary domestic one day summer, Brett Geeves was off the chart.

Andy Bichel is so old that perhaps his sight has departed him.

I have already grudgingly admitted the Noffke should have gone to India ahead of Siddle, but that was test cricket.

Bichel didn’t attack Siddle though, which is strange, usually he loves taking a dip at Victorians, instead he went Brett Geeves who has never hurt anyone and has a cool hair cut.

He is also not biased at all in this decision, being Noffke’s team mate for the last 10 years.

“Unfortunately I don’t select any sides, certainly not the Australian side, otherwise I’d be over there now.” Brad Hodge

Talking about people without bias, Brad Hodge would pick himself.

Aheada of who I am not sure.

Hodge had an ordinary shield season last year.

Take away his triple hundred against the Queensland bowlers who were all injured, and the decent half century against NSWales in the final, Hodge underperformed.

Simon Katich made a kabillion runs.

Shane Watson is an all rounder.

So why does Brad Hodge believe he should be in the squad ahead of either one of them.

Hodgey, just once would you think before you speak.

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ashley matrix gets unplugged

OK mark down this moment.

This is the moment when a diehard Victorian fan admits that a Queenslander was hard done by in selection by a Victorian.

And not just any Queenslander, but one who made his career by killing Victoria with vicious monotony.

Ashley Noffke should be going to India.

Peter Siddle, Sizzle, is lucky to be going.

It hurts me to say this, because in recent times, there have been a bunch of NSWales, and a few Queenslanders who have made tours, and test teams when they really shouldn’t have.

But Ashley Noffke deserved this spot.

50 wickets and 500 runs in the shield season, a trip to the Windies as a tourist, and the best allrounder in Australia.

And when I say best, I would put Noffke three or four steps up on Watson.

Who according to Ricky Watson Ponting, should come in for Andrew Symonds.

But it is not to be, Peter Sizzle won his place with one good spell in India, and a year of the best work this side of Ketih Miller goes to ass.

It’s about fucken time a Victorian made a squad and was lucky, usually they have to make runs, take wickets, get run outs, pouch catches, kill dragons, save kittens and learn the words to khe sanh backwards.

Now Ashley is angry.

He has already told the selectors they are full of shit.

And now he is telling the media that he might go to the ICL.

He has family, lovers and enemies to pay hush money too, and you can’t do that on a contract that has you as the 6th highest paid quick bowler in the country.

Ashley may be the first Australian to leave the game when he still has some talent left for the fat cash of the ICL.

He probably won’t leave though.

Will he…

Losing to a Victorian and Shane Watson in selection could push anyone over the edge.

Although surely in the eyes of his family committing suicide is the better option than playing in the ICL.

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Australia A – the verdict

The “A” side is off to India, and with Australia looking as fragile as they have in a long time, this could be an “A” team that ends up in the test arena.

What I think the team will be.

Katich (NSW) captain & opening bat, Peter Roebuck would be happy. I would have preferred to see Marcus North get the job. But one decided to stay in Western Australia, the other decided to move to NSWales. The Krab is a test player, for any other country, even if I hate him.

Phillip Hughes (NSW), opening bat. Is only a foetus, but can play, Made a few runs this year, and being that opening batsman in Australia are hard to come by probably not a bad choice.

Adam Voges (WA), 3. Been around for a while now, seems to have missed out as the Australian team’s back up one day batsman to Future PM. Can bat, but would doubt he will ever play for Australia.

Marcus North (WA), 4. When he makes runs, he makes them by the truck load. Has a great cricket brain, but has been an ‘A” guy for a while now without ever really looking like playing for Australia.

George Bailey (Tas), 5. Has been picked on potential, and the season before this. Is the batsman all teams try and get through in Tasmania,

Luke Ronchi (WA) keeper & 6. Anyone who saw him in the Windies knows this kid has a little sumtin sumtin.

Ashley Noffke (QLD) opening bowler & 7. This may be his audition for the same spot a month later when the big boys tour.

Beau Casson (NSW) chinaman & 8/9. Him Vs Bryce for the first test.

Ryan Harris (QLD via SA) first change & 8/9. Nickname is rhino, and does play like that. Strong as a mofo on ice, and can bowl all day full, quick and pretty damn well. Also a more than handy number 9, could easily be a number 7 in a weaker batting line up.

Bryce McGain (VIC) leggie & tail. If he out bowls Casson he gets a baggy green.

Doug Bollinger (NSW) left arm opener & tail. Could be the face of Australian bowling for the next ten years, Doesn’t look like much, but picks up wickets waiting for a taxi.

Peter Siddle (VIC) back up quick & tail. If he could stay fit for a whole season we could tell if he is the real deal or a lucky boy. But every time he plays he gets wickets, hard to argue with that.

Peter Forrest (NSW) back up batsman. No idea why he is here, oh wait NSWales. Saw him face Dirty Dirk one day sucking his thumb and asking for mummy.

Jason Krezja (TAS) back up offie & 7/8. Has a modest record but a confident lad who can bat a bit, would be lucky to play ahead of anyone here, but if he gets a game and gets wickets he could maybe leap frog McGain or Casson, but I doubt it.

Overall a pretty good squad.

Can bat till 9, or till 10 if Krejza plays ahead of McGain.

Bowling looks a lot better than the batting, especially with Noffke at 7 giving you an extra bowler.

Like most Australian A sides there is at least 7 players who would get a game for most test nations right now.

If the top order can make runs, could be a good series for the lads.

Players who would be a little miffed at missing out.

Chris Rogers as opener, he played a test match this year, right?

Luke Pomersbach, just because you look, smell, and drink like a lumberjack doesn’t mean you don’t deserve an “A” spot if you have made as many runs as he has.

Dan Cullen, without looking I’d say he probably still took more wickets than Krezja, but, I think someone else should get a go anyway.

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select this

The Australian 30 man squad for the ICC show me the money Knockout cup is out.

30 man squads are a waste of column inches.

So let me waste a few inches.

After years of producing less Australian cricketers the certain grade clubs in Sydney and Melbourne, suddenly Tasmania is a force.

The smiling George Bailey, Brett Geeves and his terrific hair cut, the stutter stepping Xavier Doherty, and the entomologist Tim Paine.

If you count Ricky Ponting (which I don’t) that means 5 of the top 30 one day cricketers in the country are from Tasmania.

Quite an effort.

None of these 4 newcomers are anywhere near playing for Australia, but are all very good cricketers.

Even if they are Tasmanians.

So it got me thinking, if the squad for Pakistan (assuming Australia go) will end up being this, give or take.

Ponting, Clarke, Marsh, Watson, Hussey, Hayden, Symonds, Haddin, Hopes, Lee, Bracken, Clark, Johnson, White, Hussey.

So I thought I would pick a second 15 from those who will probably miss out.

Luke Ronchi, wicket keeper and gun opener. Ask the Windies and the Mumbai Indian net bowlers.

Tim Paine, back up wicket keeper, and excellent opening batsman. Ronchi brings the fire works and he brings the class.

Brad Hodge, occasionally I bag Brad Hodge, but he is the second best number batsman in Australia, which makes him one of the best batsmen in the world.

Adam Voges, Vice Captain, has played for Australia before and in England would be a very fine middle order batsman.

George Bailey
, smiles a lot, probably because he knows he can bat well, had an ordinary year, but I predict big things from his selection in my second XI.

Dan Marsh, best Tasmanian captain in Australia, still makes runs, still takes wickets, and still is a fat fucker.

Ashley Noffke, his one day form is generally ordinary, but if he can average 50 with the bat in shield cricket I am happy with him at 7, bowling first change, or whenever wickets are needed.

Ryan Harris, the big fella with shoulders made of granite, needed big shoulders from all his carrying of South Australia,

Brett Geeves, the quickie from Tasmania, not a bad guy to have coming in at 9 either.

Xavier Doherty
, I would pick stutter step over Cullen, and Hauritz, a wicket taker who can bowl left arm orthodox at the death, handy to have.

Shaun Tait, from memory, before his “exhaustion” took a few wickets in a world cup.

Brendan Drew, 12th dude, bowls quick, and doesn’t mind the odd long hard hit.

Squad members.

Bryce McGain, leading ford ranger wicket taker, and also another old head around the change room.

Dan Christian, project player, averaged 44 with the bat this year and bowls quicker than Stuart Clark, and about one millionth as straight or well.

Andrew McDonald, quiet year this year, but was in the 30 man squad for the world cup, and is one of those rare all rounders that takes wickets and makes runs regularly.

Would be interesting to see where it would come in the ICC knock out.

This team would never be picked though, way too many guys under 30 in it, and only two NSWelshman, who now play for other states.

Apologies to Dirty Dirk, Theo Doropolous, Mark Cosgrove, Aaron Heal and Douggie Bollinger.

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A work in progress

Ricky Ponting described Mitchell Johnson as a work in progress.

Let me explain what a work in progress is, Ricky.

It’s like when you have builders renovating your house.

It’s noisy, nothing works, hairy men are eyeing off your voluptuous daughter, and your neighbours complain about the commotion.

That is why you move in with friends or family during this time if it’s possible.

You don’t tough it out when you have the resources to make it smoother.

Australia’s resources include, but are not limited to:

Doug Bollinger, former young balding eagle, newly rugged up. Form NSWales, bowls left arm and took 45 wickets @ 15 this very season.

Ashley Noffke, former animatrix character, turned best 4 day allrounder out of QLD. Batted like Freddy, bowled like Freddy, but so far, has not gotten injured like Freddy.

Peter Sizzle (Siddle), a Victorian, so he may be overlooked for that alone, but if you look beyond that and the shoulder made of cotton, you will see the first class average of 21 at a mere 23 years of age.

Or Shaun Tait, if for no other reason than he keeps putting his hand up, and now he feels like he is missing this great game of ours.

What better way to celebrate a return from stress release than by bowling for ours on end on flat decks in India.

For any of these players to be picked the selectors will have to admit they made a mistake in the first place and young Mitchell was picked too early.

So Mitchell it is then, until he gets carpel tunnel syndrome, or gets stressed out by the constant media attention.

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Why Mitchell Johnson should be nervous

Stuey’s departure opens up the Australian team, again.

If Mitchell does not cement his place this test, Australia can bring in Beau for Stuey and Noffke for Johnson, which would mean an Australian batting line up where Lee comes in at 10.

Lee made 60 in this match.

That is one hell of a batting line up.

Noffke and Casson both averaged huge numbers with the bat this year in shield cricket.

Noffke is a big hitting guy, who I believe would be a great number 7, but could be an even better number 8.

Casson is a cockroach at the crease, not even a lack of batting talent seems to affect him.

Johnson has not been effective on West Indian wickets so far.

He may take 8 wickets in the second innings, but I think he will be lucky to get 4 wickets for the match, and if he gets less, then Noffke has to be given a go.

It’s alright to back a bloke in, but Johnson had some of the longest spells of all time against the Indians and other than worrying Dravid he generally was unthreatening.

In the three innings on this tour he is averaging a wicket every 100 odd balls.

And let us not forget he was part of the pressure releasing valve that helped Ramdin and Sammy edge the Windies towards a victory Lee and Clark had all but denied them.

I can’t see Johnson retiring any time soon, so the selectors may have to do the unbelievable, and actually drop someone from the team.

Fancy that.

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The Australian selectors have spoken

They said

“We want the Krab.

We enjoy watching him scuttle around the crease.

We like his nudging.

His unwashed demeanour.

He 3 day stubble.

And his can do attitude.

Ashley Noffke can go please himself.”

The Australian selectors wanted Noffke to be under no illusion that he might get a game, so they gave Brad Hodge a game to go with all those frequent flyer points.

Brad Hodge obviously wont play a test match on this tour.

Once Clarke comes back he will be sent back to SRK.

So what message are they sending to Noffke, we hear you liked the rum on your last tour here, fancy another round.

OK, so you want Katich in the side, we get that, but surely giving Noffke a run, even as a batsman, is a better go than playing Hodge.

Hell, playing anyone but Shane Watson is better than Hodge.

Now us Australians must endure Simon Katich again.

Clarkey, you now can never leave this woman, not even if Michael Slater sleeps with her.

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