Are these the best Ashes facts ever?
“No, they’re not, no, far from it. I could name plenty of other Ashes Facts that are probably better than this lot and they get carried away with the strength of the opposition these days. They have neither the effectiveness of Ray Robinson, the stunning grace of Jack Fingleton, nor the masculine charm of Bill O’Reilly. See the current lot have, in my opinion, have got two weaknesses. They talk about stuff no one cares about, and they don’t have all-round appeal. I’m not sure you can even call these Ashes facts. In my day Jack Fingleton would write 1000 Ashes facts on a beer coaster during the lunch break. They were top Ashes facts too, none of this mumbo-jumbo rubbish. Not one of these Ashes facts would make it into the top 10,000 that Ol’ Jack would write. You young blokes don’t even understand Ashes facts. Don Bradman, now there is a man who knew his Ashes facts, I remember one day Sammy Loxton and I were drinking in the hotel and Bradman came up and told us to go to bed, so we did, and as he tucked us in he told us Ashes fact after Ashes fact until we fell asleep. Not because they were boring, but because they were so in depth and facty that after hours of them we went to sleep with a smile on our face. I remember talking to Alec Bedser about Ashes facts one day, and for a Pom he really knew his stuff. We spent 4 weeks talking about nothing but Ashes facts; we did it walking as well. You’ve got to use your feet when Ashes facting. You young people don’t understand though. None of you are good enough at Ashes facts to even mention them in my presence. Money is the only thing that keeps these Ashes facts being written. If they earned the same money as I did when I was facting they’d have retired by now as I did, and Ashes facts would be the better for it. As you have always known, Ashes facts were better in my day. “