Tag Archives: ashes facts

ashes fact 1

Are these the best Ashes facts ever?

“No, they’re not, no, far from it. I could name plenty of other Ashes Facts that are probably better than this lot and they get carried away with the strength of the opposition these days. They have neither the effectiveness of Ray Robinson, the stunning grace of Jack Fingleton, nor the masculine charm of Bill O’Reilly. See the current lot have, in my opinion, have got two weaknesses. They talk about stuff no one cares about, and they don’t have all-round appeal. I’m not sure you can even call these Ashes facts. In my day Jack Fingleton would write 1000 Ashes facts on a beer coaster during the lunch break. They were top Ashes facts too, none of this mumbo-jumbo rubbish. Not one of these Ashes facts would make it into the top 10,000 that Ol’ Jack would write. You young blokes don’t even understand Ashes facts. Don Bradman, now there is a man who knew his Ashes facts, I remember one day Sammy Loxton and I were drinking in the hotel and Bradman came up and told us to go to bed, so we did, and as he tucked us in he told us Ashes fact after Ashes fact until we fell asleep. Not because they were boring, but because they were so in depth and facty that after hours of them we went to sleep with a smile on our face. I remember talking to Alec Bedser about Ashes facts one day, and for a Pom he really knew his stuff. We spent 4 weeks talking about nothing but Ashes facts; we did it walking as well. You’ve got to use your feet when Ashes facting. You young people don’t understand though. None of you are good enough at Ashes facts to even mention them in my presence. Money is the only thing that keeps these Ashes facts being written. If they earned the same money as I did when I was facting they’d have retired by now as I did, and Ashes facts would be the better for it. As you have always known, Ashes facts were better in my day. “

Neil Harvey

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ashes fact 2

Douglas Jardine is often seen as an evil figure that disgraced England, injured Australia and defecated on the game of cricket.

This is all true.

But he did so much more than that.

Over the years he was responsible for the deaths of JFK, Marilyn Monroe, Jeff Buckley, and the real Britney Spears.

Also he was involved in world disasters, he stopped George Bush helping people in New Orleans.  He planned the 911 attacks. His aura inspired the Nazis. And everytime a child dies he is to blame.

That is all him, and I know what you are thinking, this fucker is a murderous vengeful cuntox.

Douglas Jardine isn’t just a human; he is a spirit, one that we have in all of us.

Some people live their whole lives without unleashing their inner Jardine.

This is wrong.

You must use your Jardine, if not for blood soaked killing sprees, then for little things, like hiding peoples keys, dobbing your grandma in for narcotics possession, pretending you have been in a car crash and telling your parents that you like to fuck dogs.

Jardine would approve of every one of these, as long as you are smoothly attired.

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ashes fact 3

When Shane Warne was a teenager he was rubbish, at everything.

Couldn’t play footy, shit at school and he was terrible at cricket.

Then he started getting laid, and the power of the vagina lifted him beyond a mere mortal.

The more women he slept with, the better he got.

It was if all vaginas had morphed into one powerful vagina, and they had chosen Shane as their hero, and every time he entered one, he grew.

Eventually the vaginas grew tired of Shane’s attitude to women.

So they found ways to bring him down, but he still had the talent, and their attempts might have kept him down in the official world, but in the eyes of the fans he was already a legend.

Eventually the mage vagina grew to love Shane, even with his flaws, and they live happily ever after.

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ashes fact 4

There is a reason Ian Botham is cooler and better than virtually every England cricketer of all time.

He is not English.

Years ago when Ray Illingworth was trekking through Germany when he stumbled upon a cave.

Being the intrepid man he is, he decided to go deep into the cave to see what he could find; he found a man trapped in Ice.

Ray immediately called in the English and Wales Cricket Board taskforce to defrost this ‘specimen’ and take him back to Lord’s.

They shaved him, cut his hair into a fashionable style, and taught him the very basics of the language. He took to cricket extremely fast, and before long he had become the best player in his team.

Early on there was some problems with Ian hitting women on the hea with rocks and taking them back to his hotel room, but by the time he was in his 30s he didn’t so that much.

Now the EWCB look for cricketers in all sorts of strange places, they found James Anderson in a beauty salon.

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ashes fact 5

Australia has no spinners in England, one is at home with his kid, another is not taking cocaine, and then Nathan Hauritz.

This is a terrible situation, but Andrew Hilditch and I have been working on a plan.

The raelians are experimenting in cloning, so Andrew and I flew over to nevada, and gave them the coccyx of Tiger Bill O’Reilly.

Being that this is still an experiment, there have been problems.

The First Tiger Bill clone could only bowl long hops with a ridiculous slingy side on action, the second one bowled shit, but did spend hours explaining why he should be picked, and the third bowled ok but stole Andrew’s wallet.

At this stage we are expecting them to have perfected Tiger Bill in time for the 2nd test.

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ashes fact 6

David Lloyd is still haunted by once walking into Mike Atherton’s hotel room only to see him shrimping Nasser Hussain.

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ashes fact 7

Eddie Paynter died during a test match, from syphilis.

The doctor had pronounced him dead at 6am, and everyone mourned, but the cricket went on.

In the afternoon England found themselves in trouble at 6/216, but into the changeroom walks Eddie fucken Paynter.

No one could believe it.

Apparently he was in the morgue and some of the attendants had the radio on, and upon hearing the score he came back to life to help England win.

Even though he was dead earlier that day, he went on to make 184.

He was awarded an MBE for this effort (back in the day before they were handed out with breakfast cereal).

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ashes facts 8

Before the coin toss was instigate, captains would toss cats.

Fairly soon it became apparent that cats almost always land on their feet, and that really ruins the point of the toss.

Tabby cats were the one kind of cat that would often land on its back, but that did upset some people.


ashes fact 9

Colin Cowdrey was a freegan.

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Ashes fact 10

Alec Stuart was a top bloke.

Everyone loved him.

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