Tag Archives: andre nel

For Andre Nel

I get it, man.  You aren’t the first person to find their life in complete shit and think that the easiest thing to do is suicide.

I’ve been there too.  It is shit, and once the darkness comes around it can be a hard thing to look past.  It gets in your mind and makes you think that there is only one way out, a simple clean solution that will end all the shit.

It does pass.

Obviously, I’ve never been involved in a public love scandal, or for that matter, a private one, so I’ll never know what it is like to be taken through the public ringer.  That said, everything passes.  The good and the bad.

This I have lived through, so if this news of your attempted suicide is for real, you need to think again.

Mistakes are to learn from, not to run from.  I’ve made a lot of them, but you get through it, and things are ok.  Not always great, but life isn’t a hallmark card, shit happens.

Cricket doesn’t need another player dead from his own hand.

And your soon to be born child will definitely need you.

Where you put your penis matters little to me as long as you stop short of the underage or animals.  That is for you and your family.  Your penis, as impressive as it may be, is no concern of mine.

I didn’t like your cricket because I assumed you were fidelity minded.

I liked it because you tried really hard.  You showed more effort than an entire generation of South Africans before you.  Every ball was a battle, every moment was important, and yet you still enjoyed yourself.  A crazy fucked up clown who could bowl for hours on end on the worst of days.  I, and more than a few others, loved it.

People like me equate cricket and life far too much, so I don’t see how someone who could bowl so many tough spells into the wind on flat tracks with a cheeky grin could then give up outside of cricket.  How can you be tough in front of millions, and fragile when on your own?

That is, ofcourse, complete bullshit.  Being tough on a cricket field has nothing to do with real life.  It is a shame though, because if you could reach any of that strength you showed on a cricket field I doubt you’d be where you are now.

Like you, I do know what it is like to run out of options, to feel like everything you have done is one big mistake, like you are cursed into stupid actions, to feel like there is only one solution, and that no matter how bad suicide is, that it will somehow erase everything before it.  That moment where hope of life ever getting better just doesn’t seem possible.

I’ve had moments where I’ve considered it, planned it, been seconds from doing it, but I’ve always stopped.

Not because I think suicide is wrong, or the easy option, or the selfish one, or even because my family would have been upset, but because suicide is just shit.

Sure, I get it for paedophiles, murderers, and poets trying to get famous.

For regular people, with regular problems (getting caught with your dick in the cookie jar is a pretty normal problem), suicide is a massive overreaction.

And a waste of time.

Sure your cricket career is almost over, and your marriage might never be saved, that is all shit, life doesn’t stop though, even if you stop your own.

You might find you have skill in acting (Gunter was one hell of a performance), you might write a book or host a radio show that brings people pleasure, hell, you might just become a property developer who donates money to charity or enjoy watching Julia Roberts’ films.  Anything is possible.

Had I quit life I would never have started cwb, got a wife, seen Donnie Darko, or experienced Sehwag make a 99* not out in Dambulla.

I can only speak for myself, Andre, but I think you can do better than suicide.

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Princess fluffy pants is overlooked

Andy Flower is the coach of England.

Last man standing.

I like Andy Flower so I hope he does well.

But… Not sure I would want this job.

Jobs i would want more than English coach:

Peter Andre’s chest waxer.

Andre Nel’s chest waxer.

Gordon Brown’s glass eye.

Shoaib Ahktar’s manager.

Alec Stewarts friend.

ICC blogger.

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Andre Nel is retiring from international cricket, probably to kill your children.

Rightfully so.

We loved Andre, we still love Andre.

But we are too emotional to give him a proper Gunter type send off today.

Andre, one day we will rule the world together, don’t fret my pretty.

See you at the oval.

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It’s official, England run out of cricketers

Who do i kow this?

Tiny Tim Ambrose is back.

Yes him.

The man that New Zealand tried to prove was a test cricketer, 6 tests average of 30, and South Africa proved wasn’t, 4 tests average of 16.

Here at CWB we don’t really like, rate, or care that Tiny Tim exists.

We do know that he isn’t in the best 3 keepers in England.

That he isn’t of test match standard.

That his general appearance in an English shirt makes us believe that England are an inferior outfit.

And that Matt Prior obviously doesn’t respect him much if he is willing to give him a go in his absence.

If I was Chris Gayle I would love this, prior has damaged them a bit already, and has made more runs than Cook or Freddie in this series.

This news has made this an even sadder day for test cricket, as it could read Nel Out, Ambrose In, on the hearts of many.

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A sad day

When talking about cricket we generally take a light hearted look at the game.

So many cricket sites take it seriously, we feel the need to lighten the load.

But right now i cannot find a way to make jokes.

I have run out of whimsy.

Cricket With Balls has lost a loved one.

Andre “Serial Killer” “Gunter” “The Joker” Nel has been tossed away by South Africa.

He will not appear under the harsh lights of International cricket any more.

They said his central contract was not renewed, but we know better, he has been terminated for interesting behaviour unbecoming of a South African cricketer.

Our eyes shall have to get used to not seeing the tall bundle of comedic serial killing intentions playing international cricket.

Currently he is serving a ban for two seperate swearing incidents.

I cried a little as i wrote that.

Goodbye nobel prince.


Cricket With Balls lament

We should be excited.

South Africa Vs Australia is our favourite series.

But, we miss him.

Our heart is heavy.

We almost feel lost without him.

The poor fucker is sitting in the hills drinking absinthe out of a goats liver while eating stray animals, and we wish he was playing.

Andre Nel is more than a player.

He is a mental case performance artist with homicidal tendencies.

They don’t grow on trees.

Not even in the tropics.

This series doesn’t have a lot of personality in it.

Smith used to be entertaining when he was a cocky dickrod, but that has gone.

Roy was more fun when he was less grumpy.

Who else?

Morne Morkel, at a stretch, might provide some light hearted moments if he breaks down mid over again.

A truly entertaining figure seems thin on the ground.

Andre could make up for all of that, and then some.

Unfortunately we may never see the crazy fucker again.

He will be sorely missed.

As will the goat.


Gunter ruins male models perfect day

Stuart Broad had 5 wickets for 11 runs into his last over.

On a pitch that Beefy had proclaimed 260/270 was a par score.

South Africa didn’t really bat badly.

And Broad didn’t bowl hand grenades.

There wasn’t any extravagant movement, but there was some bounce.

But every time he bowled a pretty good ball someone edged it.

He did that 5 times, well 4 really, Botha probably missed his.

At 5 for 11 Broad was the happiest man in the world, other than Devondra Banhart.

Then Gunter came out and saved the day for everyone.

He hit 3 balls to the fence to finish the over.

His batting was Jack Palance like, he took down the pretty little Broad, and the story will be all about his batting.

Gunter went on to top score with 13.

Was a gloriously paced innings, completely overshadowing Broad’s bowling I thought.

And i forgot the best part, Gunter came out wearing a battlestar galactica helmet.

Gunter the Sci Fi nerd defeats Broad the male model.

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The dark knight – a pitch report

If you wanna see Batman, and know nothing about the film when you go in, this may not be the cricket blog to be reading today.

It has mild plot spoilers.

The dark knight starts off with the Joker, who resembles what I hope Gunther would look like, having a little moment.

Then there is a bit of batman, who is like Freddy, really cool, but a lot of damage just below the mask.

Scarecrow is there for a second, but like Asif, he disappears quickly.

The batman meets up with his ex Rachel Dawes, who looks a bit like Nathan Bracken, and some dude named Harvey Dent.

Dent’s a little Jacob Oram, if you get my drift.

Every now and then we see Lt Gordon, who gets the job done, but is pretty boring, like Mike Hussey.

There are mob bosses, one who reminds me of Graeme Smith, and a bank manager who shares similar traits with Mahela.

Gunther gets off to a flier, Freddy thinks he has him reigned in, especially with a few short ones, but Gunther is two steps ahead.

Jacob Oram takes over the attack for a while, he goes for line and length, it doesn’t work and Bracken has plenty of advice for everyone.

M Hussey comes into the attack, but that doesn’t end well and Freddy has come to come back on.

While this is happening Jacob Oram forgets about bowling and goes and puts his pads on.

Mahela and Smithy are pretty much ignored.

Predictably things go to shit, Gunther is way crazier than Freddy could ever understand, Freddy is in love with Bracken who is in love with Oram (still the bowling one), M Hussey runs into mischief and Graeme Smith does an amazing imitation of Eric Roberts.

Eventually Freddy has to get fit.

Jacob puts his pads on.


Gunther is one crazy mother fucker.

Best game I’ve seen this year.

Gunther plays a blinder in his retirement year.

Worth going to all 5 days.

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KP & Andre, sitting in a tree

KP & Andre, sitting in a tree

Andre hugged KP.

It’s true.

KP said so.

Andre Nel may be a mentally unstable dude, but he has feelings.

He is the first to cry when sending his hero, Allan Donald, to hospital, and now he has hugged KP on what a very emotional day for the English number four.

Cricket With Balls is willing to give you a special dramatization of this moment.

KP floats around the change room as if he is walking on air.

He wafts from player to player giving them as much detail on his innings as he can. His delivery is similar to teenage girls talking about how Beau and Nathan kissed last night at the high school formal.

This goes on for a good 45 minutes, before all but Stuart Broad have left.

Broad sits by KP’s side for an hour, KP is ebullient, and gesticulates widly and even gives the odd squeal.

Finally he is out of breath and he pauses, only to hear “Don’t want you back, Cuz you’re no good for me, I know, That’s all I can say, Don’t want you back” coming from Stuart Broad’s Ipod mini.

Once the change room is empty, KP gathers himself and struts into the South African change room, his eyes wild with the sort of passion that excites middle aged house wives.

He exchanges glances with Graeme Smith, as their eyes meet they go cold, and the tension is literally palpable.

Nasty break ups are the worst.

Andre bounds over to him, he is wearing a black leather jacket, a fish net singlet and plus fours.

He Jumps on KP and starts to grind into him like a lonely great dane, left to fend for itself on a 4 acre estate.

KP strokes Andre’s back, which only gets the ex exiled white bowler more excited.

They take it back to the English change room, as KP notices Graeme Smith reaching for his shot gun.

Things get gropey fast in the empty change room, there is dirty talk nasty enough to strip the paint.

Andre drops his plus fours to the floor, behind him there is some sort of commotion.

KP hears the press core just outside the door.

He looks at Andre, and then back at the media pack and whispers, I’m sorry, leaving Andre in a very vulnerable state.

But one cannot ignore his true love.

True Story.

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TWC arrives in my mail box

I just received my copy of The Wisden Cricketer.

The magazine that you, the readers of CWB helped us get into.

There we are on the shiny, and extremely glossy page, the same layout that King Cricket and AYALAC occupied so beautifully before me.

Only problem is Sidebottom the stroppy is on the cover.

And in the blog they picked, pot, kettle, Vaughn, I said nice things about him.

Had the good folks at TWC advised me of this cover, I could have given them a sidebottom the stroppy quote to put on the front cover.

Perhaps just a picture of Sidebottom, and then underneath from a speech bubble could have been “I want an oompa loompa now daddy”.

Being that I am blog of the month you would expect I would have a bit of editorial control on the issue.

I would have had Andre Nel on the cover.

South Africa is about to tour, Nel is playing county cricket and getting told off.

What better than Andre Nel semi naked holding a badger over his privates and covered in I can’t believe it’s not butter.

One nice touch that was obviously done just for me is the use of the word cock on the front cover.

I appreciate the effort.

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