Tag Archives: allan border

ashes fact 33

Allan Border was so mean, he wouldn’t tap his bat on the pitch to flatten it out, but to kill every last bug he saw.

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Ricky’s cocoon of self denial

This is mega funny.

Ricky is angry with the very men that have made him possible.

He is an angry never likes to lose captain.

Where do you think he got that from?

Run a line from Steve Waugh to Allan Border to Ian Chappell and there you have it.

But Ricky doesn’t see why they bagged him.

He is deep in the Australian cricket team cocoon.

The one that thinks dropping Symonds was the right thing to do, and the one that thinks that had Krejza played one week earlier he would not have been ready.

The truth is Ricky, no matter how much you and Tim tell us you did the right thing, we aren’t buying it.

As an aussie rules football fan you should know why.

How many footballers have been rubbed out in the grand final to win it, and not given a flying fuck about the first game next season.

Apparently Symonds has admitted to his wrongs, and that is a good thing.

Then why can’t Ponting admit he made a mistake here.

And while we are at it, why can’t the whole selection committee admit they should have picked Krejza a week earlier.

There is no point being angry at Border or Chappell, they both would have set themselves on fire to win a game for Australia.

You didn’t, and that is why they bagged you, so stopping being such a stroppy little prick and admit you made a mistake.

It’s not that hard, we have all made them Ricky, I once wore happy pants.

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the easter krab

I would like to say that some of the Australian greats of yesteryear think Simon Katich should be chosen to play for Australia.

Steve Waugh was heard to mumble, Simon Katich should be playing for Australia.

But importantly he didn’t say, in cricket.

Allan Border said he can do no more.

I agree he can do know more, he is a krab, and krabs can only do so much.

Katich is an enigma, because if you had a shoe big enough you would crush him.

And you would be right to do so.

There must be something wrong with me, as all the experts see this man as someone who has restructured his game and is ready for test cricket.

I see him as the same useless mother fu©ker who crabbed his way across the crease and cost us an ashes and generally made my life miserable.

Even when he made more runs the Moses this year, I still just saw the same Krab with no talent pissing me off.

Maybe there is something wrong with me.

I doubt it, its probably Katich’s fault.

But there is an important point to the story on Katich.

Like katich, Jesus was crucified.

Jesus because he was too handsome and white to be from the middle east, and katich because he couldn’t make any runs.

Then they were forgotten about.

People got on with their lives, and then one day some smart @ss checks behind a stone and Jesus was resurrected, IE, his body was missing.

It’s similar for katich, most of us thought we had killed the fu©ker and then someone one checks the scores for New South Wales, and suddenly his career was resurrected, IE, his previous sh1t form was forgotten.

So all I ask of you is this good Friday is to eat a steak, and eat a krab, let’s keep our long weekend resurrection free.

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Sri Lanka Triumphs For Living Legends

The dead rubber between Australia and Sri Lanka at the MCG has inspired me to return to the ‘Cricket With Balls’ blogging crease once again.

Adam Gilchrist’s never ending national retirement tour hogged the headlines with his final appearance at the hallowed MCG. Gilchrist didn’t fail to let down his legion of fans with a typical commanding display, which should have been match winning. He may have put aside team goals in pursuit of an Australian record for the fastest century? You be the judge?

The wicket of Hopes with the score at 107 triggered a spectacular, quite unbelievable collapse resulting in the lose of 5 wickets for 8 runs as the Sri Lankans rallied for two living legends of their own in Sanath Jayasuriya and Murali. The Aussies never recovered despite the determined effort of the lastest Allan Border medallist, Brett Lee. Murali bowled an inspired second spell following an earlier pasting from Gilchrist.

Clearly the highlight of the game came in the 49th over when Jayasuriya was thrown the ball for his first over of the innings, with Australia needing 14. Jayasuriya delivered one of his trademark darts, a little shorter than usual, that crashed into Lee’s stumps to deliver Sri Lanka with a shock come from behind win and crown his final visit to these shores. A mighty cricketing moment indeed.

Earlier, in great scenes of sportsmanship and respect, both sides formed guards of honor for each of the above mentioned players when they came out to bat. Jayasuriya and Murali have been pivotal in shaping the success of Sri Lankan cricket from minnow status to forces in both forms of the game with the obvious career highlight being the 1996 World Cup victory. Both players have changed the game forever with their individual styles of play and have raised the bar of performance to another level.

As for Gilly and the forgetten Brad Hogg, they will have another chance to leave the game on a high with the One Day series finals beginning on Sunday. Hopefully, they can both contribute to Australia going one better than they did tonight, against the Indians

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Every Aussie Is An asshole (especially me)


We are.

We’re not fu©king @ssholes, mind you, but we are @ssholes.

Australia has one culture, winning, be it Grammys, Oscars or World Cups, we do it at an amazingly high level.

If we aren’t the best sporting nation on earth, we are pretty damn close.

There aren’t many sports we don’t have world class performers in.

Hell we even win winter Olympic medals.

Sport is not our religion, winning is.

And we are ruthless about it.

Friendships are lost.

Injuries are ignored.

Rules are bent.

The Opposition is intimidated.

Anything we can do to beat you.

It was the way I was brought up.

On the field we believe alls fair in love and war, sure we have moments where we are nice, even in sports, but we still want to win.

Afterwards have a beer with the guy you called a flaming @ss muncher, just trying to fire you up chance, want a cold one?

Now they are dobbing in cricketers, are they serious?

Either play like the @ssholes we were born to be, or straighten up and fly right, don’t put your feet on either side of the fence and ride it.

When the Australians first started trying to soften up their image I thought it was a joke.

A scientologist doesn’t covert to Judaism.

Why would they bother, it’s about winning, not being liked.

Lots of people like Sri Lanka and New Zealand, how does that work out for them.

Three or so years have passed and Australia’s new nice guy tag still doesn’t fit correctly.

How could it.

Ponting is a street fighter. The working class boy who loves a scrap, and would smack you over the head with a chair to defeat you.

Hayden is a Christian soldier. Like Dubya Bush before him, he is an evangelical fighter who doesn’t let knowledge or common sense affect his anger.

Roy is a black man from new texas (queensland), imagine the ©rap he has had to deal with his whole life. If that hasn’t made him harder than a teenager in a nudie club, I don’t know what would.

Hogg is 6 tests into a career, has no real talent, and is sledging guys with over 5000 test runs. Imagine what he did to the dogs on his old postmans route.

Before them were men like Justin Langer, who I personally saw threaten at least 3 Victorians with violence.

Steve Waugh, a man who believed in scarring the opposition for life and whose face broke Jason Gillespies leg.

And Allan Border, the man who told Dean Jones he was soft, as he threw up in India whilst making a double hundred.

No I wasn’t one of the guys Langer threatened, I’m not that silly.

In Aussie rules football I barrack for Collingwood, everyone hates Collingwood. That’s the way it should be. I couldn’t stand it if I barracked for a side that provoked no reaction.

I don’t know why this team decided to be liked, but I can only imagine it had something to do with making fat cash off sponsors.

Personally I think they make enough cash from cricket, they should concentrate on winning cricket matches.

If they really want to do something for their image, they can always do what Steve Waugh did, feed the starving limbless children.

Didn’t matter that Steve would have strangled an Indian to win a test on the pitch, because he did nice tings off the pitch.

India would love to be 2 zip right now, Bangladesh would love to win 2 tests.

Australia aren’t ever going to be completely nice, cause it aint in is.

So let’s drop the act gents, if nice guys finished first, we would have tried it already.

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wunderkind to skipper

Rick (y) Ponting is a weird man.

After inheriting one of the greatest test teams of all time, he seemed a lot more worried about ruining their record than actually winning when he first got the job.

Then he had several melt downs against the English. Coupled with the fact McGrath fell over and Martyn was clearly sleeping with several daughters of umpires, he lost that series.

More often than not Ponting captained via the committee system. He never seemed to make any decisions that weren’t in consultation with, Lehmann, Hussey, Gilchrist, or Warne.

No one was harsher on him than me. Except possibly my dad, whose favourite phrase is “he’s not a captains @sshole”.

However In recent times Ponting has actually looked like a captain, a real one.

My belief is that losing Warne and McGrath, is the best thing that can happen to him as a captrain.

Rick (y) is not a deep thinker. He has never had to be, he was a child prodigy who became a legend. Talented people don’t think as much as the non talented, why should they.

Suddenly losing over a 1000 wickets, he has to think. He can’t captain on autopilot anymore. For him it’s not natural to think about cricket.

He doesn’t need to train as hard as Justin Langer, he doesn’t need to think about batting like Nasser Hussain, and he doesn’t need to invent wickets like Stephen Fleming did.

He is the boy wonder who made captain of an amazing cricket side, which is quite different to the men who preceded him.

Steve Waugh was a historian, who believed that pace bowlers could win any match, and if not I’ll bring that blonde guy on. This is the man that liked bowling first, with the second greatest leg spinner of all time on his side. He was born talented, but not Ponting like.

Mark Taylor was a strategic captain, who didn’t like the game to get out of hand. He would use spinners early, part timers all the time and was constantly thinking of new fields that would disrupt the batsmen. As a batsman he was an average opening batsmen who kept himself in his side because of his captaining.

Allan Border was old school. He liked to abuse his players, he wanted tough cricketers, and if you weren’t up to it, you were told you weren’t up to it. He was the perfect Vice Captain. As a batsman he was talented, but he fought for everything that came to him.

Each of these captains got a better side than their predecessor. But Ponting is the man who was given the gold star treatment. He came into a team that was already World champions, he didn’t have to fight the West Indies like the others did.

He is defined like Border and Steve Waugh by winning. His whole life is about winning, about being the best, like Jordan and Hitler before him. Captaincy is the one thing he is not the best at, but you can see how bad he wants that as well.

Ponting is a clicky sort of guy, Dizzy Gillespie and Cameron White have found out as much. If you’re his friend he will drag you along until your ready like Symonds, or if your not one of his favourites you won’t be given any time to shine.

His best friend in the team was Damien Martyn that tells you a lot about him. When I flew with the Aussie team, I noticed that in general the team grouped together, but Martyn and Ponting were separate, speaking in hushed tones.

I only noticed all this cause I was perving on Mrs Ponting.

The two things I noticed about his captaincy in the first test were, that he actually enforced the follow on. Vvs Laxman wasn’t playing, but neither were the two greatest bowlers of the last ten years.

The second was the way he used Symonds with the ball. He used him in a proactive way. In the past Symonds was thrown the ball because it seemed like the right thing to do, however this time he was thrown the ball as an attacking tactic.

It worked, twice.

Enforcing the follow on worked as well. Finally Ponting is learning to trust his instincts. He’ll need to, this side is probably never going to be as good as it was before.

It needs the captain to step up.

The signs are good, the best captains are born with strategic knowledge and a feel for the game. For the rest of us, we need to learn as we go.

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white dick heads

Mark Waugh and Allan Border are both heroes of mine, but if they think calling a dark skinned brother a monkey ain’t racism, then they are fucking idiots.

Are these two serious?

No doubt crowds always try and get reactions from players, but once you use his race into it you’re a tosser who should be banned from all cricket grounds for life.

I believe I had this argument with an Australian at the G many years ago, when he made a racist remark about Makaya Ntini being a monkey. I said dude, if your gonna sledge him make it about the fact he bowls too much short shit, or the fact he was given a 6 year rape sentence and then the judge decided on appeal that there was holes in the case.

Racism has no place in sport, it should remain the punch line for ethic minority comedians the world over.

No matter how much you wanna bag someone for their race there is always a better way of doing it. Let me give examples.

Mony Panesar, don’t bag him cause he’s an Indian playing for England, bag him for his general dorkiness.

Don’t bag Symonds for being a monkey, bag him about his white lipstick.

Herschelle Gibbs, don’t bag him cause he’s coloured, bag him cause he is a massive tool.

See, these things are more fun anyway.

As for Mark and Allan, thanks again for reminding everyone that white Australian cricketers are complete dick heads when it comes to race.

Dean Jones anyone?

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Ahhh The Way It Used To Be………..

As I sat and watched last night’s one day international between Australia and India, which concluded in an inglorious wash out, I wondered whether the direction interantional cricket is taking, is a positive one……

Hello to all of you out there in Uncle J-Rod’s cricket blogging world. If this column is any good you will come to know me as Sime. Uncle J-Rod’s parol officer when it comes to upholding the traditions and values of this great game we know as cricket. A traditionalist at heart, I love to watch pure cricket were all skills are on display and the correct techniques are implemented or at the very least that is the intention of the relevant player involved.

My favourite players over the journey have included such lead by example types as Alan Border, Steve Waugh and my current favourite player the immortal Ricky (always be Ricky to me) Ponting.

Which leads me to the topic of my first post. Too much cricket……..never could be too much cricket, I hear you say. Well not for the fans like you and me, who will tune in at anytime of day or night. I’m refering to the players. What on earth is the purpose of this 7 game series that began in India overnight, that I spoke of earlier? India competed in the Twenty20 World Cup final on Monday night in South Africa and less than a week later they are involved in a pointless one day home series which lasts three weeks.

Television committments I hear you say. Well it pains me to see a champion of our game, the great Sachin Tendulkar, in the decline he is, due partly to age, but mainly to an unrealistic, demanding schedule of mainly one day games which have worn away at his body, his confidence and robbed us of a few extra years of watching this once in a life time talent.

On the opposing side of last nights contest I wonder how long players like Matthew Hayden and Adam Gilchrist can sustain this amount of cricket. Not only that, this amount of cricket makes it difficult to hold solid form and can cause many of these limit overs contests to degenerate into uncompetive farces.

One day specialists have emerged to rest or replace class players and this has resulted in the standard of international player to drop considerable from what it was 20 years ago. Outside of Australia, the standard of the rest of the Test playing nations in the last 2 years or so hasn’t been good enough.

In my next blog, if Uncle J-Rod will have me back, I am going to explore this topic in a little more depth.

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