Tag Archives: ajantha mendis

The Mendises

Jeevan Mendis is not a good legspinner.

I say that as a bad legspinner.  We can smell our own.

His action is forced, his front arm doesn’t help him, and he sort of slings the ball down in a way that means he has trouble aiming in line or length.

But he tries really hard and he’s not an idiot.

Every really good team has a Jeevan Mendis.

Mendis is Steve Kerr, Shane Kerrison or James Hopes of this Sri Lankan team.  The man who can do a little bit of everything, who enjoys training, who makes everyone feel good because they’re more talented than him, smiles a lot and is a decent dude.

In this game he came in to bat as the owners of the crab restaurant disappeared.  It was consolidation time.

Most batsmen, especially one who is not yet an automatic selection, would have worked their way into the innings, thinking of themselves and what the replay will look like when they go out.

People like Mendis don’t really think that way.

They just want to get the job done and help out where they can.

Mendis is not a pretty batsman.  He tries to hit every ball so hard it hurts your eyes after a while, but England didn’t expect an all out attack and instead of keeping Sri Lanka down to a manageable total.

18 off 13 is not an innings you tell your kids about, but it’s the sort of innings that someone like Mendis does to help his team to victory.

When he bowled he started with a short ball, one ball massively outside leg stump, a couple of half volleys, and clean bowled Ravi Bopara with a ball that was full and went straight.  In that one over he ended with 1/5.  That was his only over.

Ajantha Mendis, his favoured evil twin (not really, but I’m working on a script), bowled four overs for 40.  In an earlier match Ajantha took 12 wickets or something.

In the final, I know who I’d prefer to have.

Result: KP gets smugger as Ravi packs his computer games and heads home.

Samit Patel was not mentioned in this blog.

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cricket pop culture references: the big bang theory “The Transporter Malfunction”

In what is sure to be a short lived new segment on cwb (I mean what the fuck ever happened to player profiles?) here is a new one, where I discuss pop culture cricket references.

I like to watch bad American sit coms while I eat.

For whatever reason good american sit coms don’t help me digest as well, so instead of watching Seinfeld or Arrested development, I watch how I met your mother, friends and the big bang theory.

It should also be pointed out that I don’t watch them ironically.  Sure, some of the laughs are ironic, but I hate it when people say  they watch shit tv just for the irony, no, you do it for the same reason as everyone else, shit tv can be comforting and it requires very little of you other than functioning eyeballs, reasonable hearing and steady breathing.  And I’ve always been obsessed with American sit coms, I’ve even seen several episodes of the turkish version of the nanny.

The other day I was watching the big bang theory and it was an episode where Raj, the nerdy Indian one, was talking to his parents about a potential arranged marriage.

During their conversation the father asks, “why did you call us during the cricket semi finals” straight after a hilarious ‘we thought you were gay’ routine.

Now, I get it, Raj is Indian, his parents are Indian, so a cricket reference here makes sense.

But the phrasing “the cricket semi finals”, seems odd. Raj’s father would have said “why did you call during the India England semi final”, and would never have used the word cricket, as it’s India, and everyone knows what sport he is referring to. To make it more Hollywood, he could have said “why did you call when the cricket’s on, India are playing Sri Lanka in the semi final, and Agit Agarkar has bowled a maiden over”.

That’s not what they went for, instead we get an ordinary line of dialogue that doesn’t truly respect cricket or human speak, and thusly cannot help the game of cricket grow. Look at what the big bang theory has done for flash t shirt sales and weep at what it could have done for cricket.

The actor playing Raj’s Dad is also far better known (to me) as Babu from Seinfeld, the Pakistani restaurateur with fingers as mesmerising as that of Ajantha Mendis.

Perhaps his casting was simply hollywood’s way of bring India and Pakistan together, or suggesting they can’t tell them apart in the first place.

Strangely, this episode is far more known for the fact that it is Leonard Nimoy’s last acting role (at the moment). Few know this about Nimoy, but he was a wily club left arm finger spinner for his local side. And once bowled unchanged for a whole limited overs match before bowling limits filtered into club cricket.

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What cricketer would you turn gay for, pick carefully

I put up a link to Ant Sims’ new blog about Chris Gayle on twitter and @mediagag said that he would totally turn gay for Chris Gayle.

I wouldn’t, but I get it.

So here is my guide for what players you should turn gay for depending on what kind of sex you’re looking for.

Brendan Nash – If you’re looking for a doting partner who will always cuddle with you, Nash is your man.  Will do everything he needs to do to make sure you are happy.  He’s not stylish or that sexy, but he’s a good bloke.  The second hand Volvo of Gay sex.

Shahid Afridi – rough sex in the back of a taxi, random encounters in parks and lewd relations in shady hotels, he offers it all.  If you’re looking for no commitment and short sharp burst, Afiridi is your man.  May leave you unsatisfied at times, but that’s part of the fun.  Is most probably a selfish top.

Peter Borren – do you like to feel intimidated by your partner?  Some men would need to tie you up and put ball gags in your mouth to make you feel subservient to them, with Borren, it’s just one look.  Ofcourse, not perfect for introducing to your parents, as he will scare them to death.

Sachin Tendulkar – Who doesn’t want to fuck the most famous man in cricket.  I can’t imagine that in life Sachin does anything badly, so that should mean that in bed he’s a cracker at the sexy sexing.  Bonus points for fucking a living God.

Doug Bollinger – Not everyone wants a thinking man, some want one who is all about actions.  Douggie is perfect for this.  If you can rate someone in bed by the way they dance, Douggie is hilarious in bed.  He’s a man’s man, he’ll try all day, he’s willing to fix his appearance and he’ll make you laugh.  Like a pet that is house trained that you can legally fuck.

Jesse Ryder – cricket’s most eligible bear.  If you’re a cub looking for a big strong man to place it in your gaps, Jesse has to be the man you want.

JP Duminy – Perhaps the opposite of a bear, he’s a twink.  Having still not completely come to terms with his game, so now is the perfect time to become his sugar daddy and take care of him.  Buy him a car, show him how to face the short ball and watch how he performs for you.

Salman Butt – fuck him.  Hard.

Ajantha Mendis – looking for something a little different, freaky, and mysterious.  Mendis’ fingers have it all.  Although, once you’ve worked out all his little tricks, you can always move on to Randiv or Herath.

And ladies, don’t think I’ve forgotten about you, if you’re a lady looking to go gay, may I suggest…

Claire Taylor – Probably the biggest catch in world cricket if you’re a woman looking to turn.  She is perfect in every single situation.  You could claim that she isn’t the most stylish, but her results speak for themselves.  Taylor will think herself through every situation, which bodes well for the boudoir.

Mithali Raj – If you’re not as worried about performance, but just want the best looking woman on your arm as you enter the clubs, Mithali is that.  Her cover drive is so sexy that if the entire world watched it together it would create a tsunami of sex juice that would kill us all.  Probably more interested in looking good than being good, but that’s why you turned for her in the first place.

Personally, I turned gay for a pull shot from Matthew Elliott against Allan Donald, alas, the pull shot didn’t have any feelings for me.  So I decided I’d have to become straight.

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I’m back, and I brought mystery fingers holding a sausage

Somehow I survived the rugged terrain of Sri Lanka.

There is heaps of cricket shit to tell you, but I need to sleep.

But this is by far my favourite ad of any I saw.

Not enough cricketers hold sausages.

And very few mystery spinners wrap their magical fingers around one.

Hopefully Mendis has started a trend.

Think what his fingers could do with that sausage.

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balls profile: Ajantha Mendis

No one has got more famous for inventing ball that pretty much goes straight. Before being worked out he was the most dangerous bowler in world cricket. Now he is Chris Harris, without the impressive hair. Bowls faster than most spin bowlers, and has never really mastered flight. Anyone who can control as many deliveries as he can should surely be able to adapt. If not, he should go to County cricket and be the first bowler to take One Million first class wickets. Is a second lieutenant in the Sri Lankan Army, in second life he sells sneakers to movie stars and on world of warcraft his avatar is a Tauren druid named Carrom.

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Mendis suffers ultimate embarrassment

There was a time when a white batsman facing Ajantha Mendis would involve, a lot of nervous nudges, edgy singles and then an embarrassing bowled slash LBW as the batsman tried to break the shackles.

There was a time before that when the subbie batsmen and Windies batsmen were the same.

At one stage only the true prophet Sehwag could play him.

It was if all of life’s mysteries were wrapped up in the elegant fingers of Mendis and while the rest of us tried to think about a way to play him, the Lord just smited him.

Now it is all unraveling for Mendis.

According to Iain O’Brien his carom ball and wrong one are fairly easy to pick from the hand.

But that is not the worst bit.

The worst was when Cameron White failed to pick his wrong one. What should have happened was a couple of nervy deliveries later White played an ugly slog and Mendis picked up another easy wicket.

Instead the Big Bear got cave man on Mendis. He took 34 off 16 balls, and it was only a brilliantly madcap field placing by King Kumar, putting Dilshan directly behind the bowler, that slowed White down.

It wasn’t that White even seemed to be picking Mendis, it was that he didn’t care what Mendis bowled, he was just trusting his eye and hitting the ball a long way.

It was brutal and easy. After that one wrong one White never truly looked in trouble, but a few people in the crowd and the camera man certainly did.

Watching the Australian top order struggle against Randiv, a fairly faceless innocuous type spinner, Mendis would have been quite excited.  He probably thought he could cash in with a few wickets and start to restore his career a little.

Instead he was beaten up.  And by Australia, who seem to make the most simple spinner look good.  That must have embarrassed Mendis especially after the way Australia’s two best players of spin, Clarke and FFPM David Hussey, went out.

Since originally saying Mendis would be worked out, I have said that he either bowls like Chris Harris to batsmen who know him, or Jim Laker to those that don’t.

With the way Australia play regular spin of late; you’d say that they were going to be the last to work him out of those who have faced him. England still haven’t played against Mendis, but he might not be around long enough to ever play them if he keeps having days like he did against White.

Although even without mystery he might still confuse England.

With no real spin or flight, Mendis is less mystery and more a fading curiosity. Like Winona Ryder.

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The Jesus XI

Happy Jesus on a stick day. A day that is all about honouring someone who died so that we can all be perverts and animals, but you can’t eat steak, in case some is made of him.

In honour of Jesus dying I’ve compiled an XI of players who died, and were then reborn, or you know, other Christian type shit. Jesus, as we all know, was a wicket keeper.

S Katich – Found himself in a cricket career cave due to some horrific test form, but then his God, Bob Simpson, helped him, and thankfully we now have Katich shuttling around the crease for days on end.

M Sinclair – Impossible as it is to enjoy the way he plays, Sinclair is the one cricketer most likely to survive Sodom and Gomorrah. When the Kiwis are having a selectorial apocalypse, it is Sinclair they turn to. He will always live with us.

I Bell – If Bell truly was the son of God, Christianity would have died out by now. Instead Bell seems ordained by some higher power, perhaps Murdoch, to play the number 3 position for England. He coveted it while he had to wait out Pestilence (Shah), War (Bopara) and Famine (Trott) but he found his way back to number three.

M Hussey – Has never left heavenly earth, but what exactly was he doing between the age of 12 and 30.

K Pietersen – An outcast with his old religion he became the father, son and holy bail of a new one. It still hasn’t been smooth sailing, but he no longer has to bowl off spin, so that is good.

K Akmal – Crucified on the pitch for one of the most heretical displays of wicket keeping ever written about. But he will be back, you can’t keep a Pakistani cricketer away for too long. Even if he comes back as a kolpak.

A Flintoffas was written.

N Hauritz – Outbowled by M Clarke and then shunned by his country, his state, and his knew state. One day four wise men decided to pick him up from the gutter he found himself in, and bugger me if he hasn’t stayed around since then.

S Bond – Needed to go on a spiritual adventure to India so that one day he could come back to New Zealand and tell them he was available for white ball games and then continued his spiritual adventure in India.

A Mendis – The man is full of mystery, but once you work it out, it is all kind of simple and you don’t really care anymore.

A Nehra – From a world cup final to the great abyss, but thanks to Lalit K, Nehra has been brought back so that we can all pray at his long limbs and permanent angry face.

J Patel (12th) – Is so good at being 12th man I couldn’t see why he wouldn’t do it for Jesus.

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The New Chris Harris

The only thing mysterious about Chris Harris was the fact that International batsman didn’t put every one of his balls into the crowd, or beyond.

That is not true, it was also mysterious that he has looked the same age for roughly ten years, and that age is 53.

His doorknob seamers had the slightest amount of fade on them, but he bowled a great length, was straighter than a Kentucky preacher, and was a clever cricketer.

All that being said, had he bowled in today’s twenty20 world, he might have had to bring spare balls to the ground with him.

He may have ended up as a batsman, just to stop lawsuits of the injured people walking past the ground.

There is a reason I mention him, Ajantha Mendis bowls at a similar speed, moves the ball about as much, and when you have worked him out the only thing left is to work out what stand to put him in.

For those who can’t pick him he is still deadly.

But when you can he is simply the new Chris Harris.

Our lord of Sehwagology can’t pick him, but he doesn’t need to, he just launches him into orbit.

The street smart batsmen who can’t pick him play him off the pitch, and milk him.

Once they work him out though, he goes the distance, the maximum, they moose him, and other stupid things the IPL commentators say.

In two of Mendis’ games he has gone for 38 and 39 without wickets, both times the batsmen have seemed to work him out, and then just got rid of him.

They have reduced a magical mysterious spinner to a balding pasty kiwi.

If I were David Gower I would say that cricket is a great leveller, instead I will say that I talk about Mendis in my book.

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he made 200 runs and they undressed accordingly

It wasn’t that long ago that Sehwag was wandering the desert.

Unwanted by his people and most major sponsors.

He was cast aside for men with lusher hair and more athletic physiques.

Perth was his easter type cave.

Now he is Ballsier, harder, stronger, balder and better than ever before.

Like a peacock rubbed in Vaseline.

In his new god like form he is trying to make sure that when great Indian batsman are mentioned, VVS, Dravid and Ganguly have to line up behind the bald prophet for their props.

His latest miracle was 200 out of 330.

Making half the runs of your team is phenomenal.

But Sehwag didn’t even bother with that.

The little fella was one of 3 Indians to get beyond 7 runs.

Mendis continues his modern magic tricks, each more mysterious and evil than the last.

Sehwag uses brutal force to dispel the spells.

Like an angry fat man swatting away flies from a burger.

The man is on top of the mountain at the moment.

Every time Sehwag hits a four, an angel loses its virginity.

And let us hope that angels continue to be bad little girls for some time yet.

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Mendis to break the record of one of the greats

I am really looking forward to the upcoming test series between Sri Lanka and India.

And not just because I am sick and tired of looking at boring white cricketers.

I just can’t wait to see Ajantha Mendis beat Brian Lara’s record.

Brian Lara never took a wicket, in 131 tests, but I bet you money that Mendis will take at least one.

Then he shall be better than Brian Lara statistically, and in the eyes of the huddled unwashed masses.

Brian Lara was a fine cricketer, but did he ever invent a delivery, or did he ever bowl any mystery balls, no.

One word for that, soft.

Lara’s record is not that hard to get by, Darren Pattinson just did it, but Mendis will smash it, before he gets worked out.

In other news, Sachin Tendulakar is still playing test cricket.

Who knew.

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