Tag Archives: administracrats

administracrats fail, again

When a cricketer walks down the wicket slogging in a crucial game there is a chance that if he misses it he will be out of this game, and perhaps out of the next one.

Cricket, and all sport, is tough like that.

You can be selected on performance, and de-selected on performance.

Cricket Administracrats do not have to worry about this.

They can fuck up for years without fear of demotion.

Even if their error has something to do with their side losing.

Look at the latest fuck up, Imran Tahir, the luscious leggie who is so cool we refuse to bag his alice band.  Mostly.

South Africa lucked into this world-class leg spinner because the dude loves to travel and found himself a wife in their country.

In April 09 he said he was qualified to play for South Africa.

No one questioned it.

Before that he had played in a Presidents XI match against Australia, so he was clearly a chance of international honours.

Then almost a year later he is supposedly qualified and gets picked for a squad when South Africa really need an attacking bowler to help them win, but instead they can’t pick him because he is not yet a permanent resident.  Surely something some official should have known before calling him into the squad.

If South Africa trusted that he was qualified in April 09, why did no one check then on the off chance he might be required?

At best it makes CSA look like a bunch of idiots who have shown that they don’t believe in their spinner but have no other player to replace him. At worst this could cost South Africa the series against England.

There is more though, because it seems that Tahir just doesn’t understand the rules, he thinks that he qualifies because it is four years since he played for Pakistan A, and now is only missing out because of paperwork.

That is not how the system works, as the Times points out (and I have read up on this boring shit before), you need to have lived in the country you wish to represent for at least 180 nights a year for four years.  The times doesn’t think Tahir has, and I have my doubts too.

While these errors were also Tahir’s, someone at CSA should have checked all this out at least two years ago when he was obviously trying to qualify.

And this isn’t some one off. Azeem Rafiq cost Yorkshire points when the played him when he didn’t have a UK passport. Darren “Eyelids” Pattinson played a couple of seasons for Victoria before playing for England, but technically he should have played all his games for Victoria as an overseas player before that, just no one noticed.  Surrey also did a great one when for the 08 season they tried to get Shoaib in for the last four games so they wouldn’t get relegated, by no one checked Shoaib’s visa so he only ended up arriving for the last two games.

Not that it mattered.  He looked shit anyway.

All of these, and there are probably heaps more, have either cost teams or could have cost teams on the field.

I wonder how many people were demoted or fired over it?

Ofcourse the ICC are experts at this kind of fuck up.  How often does an umpire or match referee get refused entry in a country due to visa problems?

But we know that no one gets fired from the ICC, how else would you explain Daryl Harper.

Has anyone even checked if Brendan Nash is Jamaican?  Or did he just rock up with a Marley T-shirt and say I’m one of you, gimme a game?

Buy my book, get a t-shirt, or donate to the whisky fund.

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don’t say the m word you monkey

Robert Key shocked the cricket world by saying the one word that should never be used.


To call a selector, an administracrat, or a pitch inspector a muppet is the single worst word you can use.

Call them cocksuckers.

Compare them to a dildo.

Mention what a massive ass clown they are.

But don’t you dare call them muppets.

It’s offensive, to muppets.

Robert Key was fined 1250 quid for using them m word, which for an IPL cricketer is the cash you use to light your cigar with, but for someone on key’s salary it’s serious money, i mean other than pie sponsorship deals and kent, who is going to give him money.

In related news Jim Henson’s estate are looking at taking a class action suit out against the ICC, and all major cricket boards for defamation of his characters.

A lawyer for the estate read a prepared statement.

“The muppets are a well loved family entertainment icon, as a brand we would not like them brought down to the standard of any cricket officials, we think this is a grosse injustice, and we are looking into the legalities of these continuing incidents at the moment. “

Rob Key is a smart man though, he knows he has done wrong.

For his part, Key admitted his remarks were

“inappropriate and I offer my unreserved apology to all concerned”.

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Drugs in cricket

There is a serious drug problem in cricket.

Some players are taking too many.

Some players, not enough.

But in Bermuda, weed is being blamed for the fact their side is crap and has a fat dude playing in it.

Apparently every football or cricket game you go to in Bermuda you can smell the mary jane.

Which ofcourse is unacceptable, as you should be only allowed to smell beer cascading down the double chin of a sun burnt dude.

The problem with Bermuda is they think you need to stop smoking joints to play for your country.

This is not true, if Phil Tufnell and Stephen Fleming have taught us anything its that weed can help built test cricketers.

Opium works wonders as well.

Things that cricketers should give up to play for their country according to the worlds cricket administracrats.





Drugs (except performance enhancing)

Heavy metal.

Bay Watch.


Gangsta rap.

Bare knuckled boxing.

And knitting.

While researching (I know) this post I found a great headline on cric info from a few years back.

ICC has kept players informed on substances – Speed

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Hey, Malcom, what’s holding the towel up?

The ICC head hunted a South African to run the biz.

Imtiaz Patel was the man they wanted for CEO.

But he decided that he was not the man for the job.

Even though the ICC had already announced this was their dude, Imtiaz had never really decided.

That is top notch Cricket Administracration right there.

I think I know why he didn’t want it, he is clearly in the running to be starring in the South African version of Married With Children.

Note the eyes, dead with a touch of despair, and almost covered by the eye lids.

The weak chin, that says, I have no self respect.

The receding, but not quite fully bald, hair, like its confused as what to do next.

The bags under the eyes, that are only there to hold the eyes in place, and have no aesthetic quality what so ever.

The nose, a slight bend from his days as a quarterback at Polk High.

And the general look of unhappiness that emanates from every pore of this man

The perfect Al Bundy, but not the perfect CEO of the ICC.

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Sunil tastes like chicken

Sunil Gavaskar has come out and said Australia and England approach the games like dinosaurs.

Importantly he didn’t say what dinosaurs.

I am assuming England are the Diplodocus. They can’t really damage you unless they accidentally stand on you, but they do have a whippy tail that does some damage.

Australia on the other hand are more like a Tyrannosaurus rex. They make a lot of noise, look angry, eat meat, and have really short arms.

Sunil himself is a dinosaur, he’s a Dilophosaurus, you know the little ones that spit at you.

Sunil has a valid point, cricket administracrats have run over all comers for years on cricket matters.

Which is exactly what I expect India to do for the next few years at least.

India aren’t taking control of world cricket so they make world cricket better, they are taking over so they can make decisions that help cricket in India.

But is that not the aim of all cricket boards, to get the biggest piece of the pie, to get the best conditions, to make sure your men are elected to all the prettiest chairs.

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burning kittens

Recently I have been attacking the cricket administracrats a lot.

I don’t mean it, but they just continue to p1ss me off.

Now they have set fire to a bunch of kittens, so I feel obliged to attack them again.

The poor defenceless Bangladeshi tiger kittens are cute and adorable, and appear to be like Peter Pan.

Recently they lost to another minnow side heavily, being kittens they will bounce back, but kittens need someone to play with.

Enter Cricket Australia who has cancelled their test tour to Australia’s most famous cricket grounds like Marrara Stadium and the one named after alcohol.

As the kittens softly weep in the background I hear you ask why?

Because the Olympics are on at the same time.

Now I’ve never been a professional sport official, so perhaps I don’t know how all this tricky stuff works, but surely some in the Cricket Australia ivory tower had a calendar with all the major sporting events around the globe on it.

And the first one you would put on it would be the Olympics.

I personally couldn’t give a rats about the Olympics, but even I know it’s on 080808 for some sort of Chinese symmetry reason.

So why have the cricket administracrats suddenly decided to cancel the tour, why now, at this late stage have they abandoned the poor kittens.

Probably because they are idiots and they don’t really care what happens to defenceless kittens, because they won’t make them a lot of money.

Nothing smells worse than burning Kittens, well that’s what the army guys said in Darwin when they burnt them.

Apparently Darwin is a good place to burn kittens, who knew.

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Don’t speak roy

The American government is quick to pounce on Communists, Muslims, copyright infringers and anyone who restricts free speech or free trade.

But do they attack the Cricket Australia board for muting Roy, no.

And do you know why, because it’s a conspiracy involving the CIA and the Giant Lizards of the world to shut Roy up and then take over the game.

Never mind the fact that when you let him speak he often sounds like a dill.

If Roy and his merry men are angry with the freemasons, scientology, Cricket Australia or any other wacky organisation they should be able to say so.

Publicly even.

Cricket Australia does not want free speech, because players may inform them, and us, that they are d1ckheads.

And who likes to be told they’re a d1ckhead, generally only the sort of guy that would hire a dominatrix.

Cricket Australia sent out a bow tie wearing administracrat to say that they were just concerned with what Roy was saying, as his facts were not the same as their facts.

That’s probably because his opinion was different to their opinion.

How long will it be before every team has a CIA spy, I mean we already have Giant Alien Lizards playing the game.

Once the spies and lizards have taken over, then the players can be pensioned off and the sons of the cricket administracrats and the cultural elite can play. And that is not an Adam Bacher joke.

Cricket is reliant on cricket players, it is not reliant on cricket administracrats.

If all the cricket administracrats were too suddenly to die of syphilis, cricket would continue with only a brief morning period.

And perhaps a one day game where all the profits went towards syphilis research.

We want to hear what players have on their minds, we are sick of being of cricket being diluted.

Give us our cricketers and their insane words, we much prefer them to your generic double speak and politically correct gibberish.

We also would like Roy to wear a bow tie, just once. Or am I objectifying him?

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Don’t cut Bill off

I’m a little bit tired but my mind is going back to three reoccurring thoughts. Rosario Dawson, Ishant Sharma’s Apple and why Channel 9 went to a hasty ad when Harbhajan Singh came out to bat in the 2020 game.

The first two are easy to explain, Rosario Dawson is the sort of woman who could start, finish, win or lose a War.

And Sharma’s Apple is hypnotic.

The third one has had me scratching my head.

On the surface it seems like a very PC decision by an over anxious coke addled TV executive who was eager to please all the cricket administracrats and so forth.

But why does Channel 9 and Cricket Australia have the right to tell us what is too controversial for us to watch?

I understand the urge not to show streakers ( I obviously don’t agree with it), but short of that, nearly all other controversial moments are shown on their coverage.

Mistakes by umpires, that can force some cricket extremists to actually go to the trouble of making an effigy, just to burn it.

On field altercations that get so heated one team wants to go home, are shown until we all want to go home.

Unsportsmanlike behaviour that is viewed so many times from so many angles, while over the hill commentators suggest self flagellation whilst practising self gratification.

It was only some boos, was it really worth cutting Bill Lawry off mid sentence?

They weren’t racially vilifying him, they weren’t carpeting bombing his house, and most of them weren’t even questioning his sexuality.

So who made the decision to 86 Harbhajan’s largely booed walk to the wicket.

If it was Channel 9, it was probably just an over reaction to the situation, or perhaps they thought the Melbourne crowd might just do something really wrong.

But if it was Cricket Australia and their team of trained monkey administracrats you almost sense they are trying to make this game even more diluted and softer than it currently is.

Pulling the plug on something this trivial is a low act even for a Cricket body.

Cricket is a game played by hairy overweight men, men with large derries and terrible nick names. It’s played hard, but mostly fair and cricketers engage in healthy discussion on all matters from sexuality to race.

In the words of Australia’s head administracrat,

“cricket is what is being played, it is not tiddlywinks.”

Then fu©ken show it to us, genital warts and all.

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new cricket australia memo

Hi Uncle J rod,

This is your friendly administracrat (great word chum) mole from the halls of justice at Cricket Australia.

Thought you might want the latest memo that’s being sent to all the state associations in the coming days.

Due to the recent racial and on field problems surrounding cricket, CA has a new list of terms we would prefer you don’t say when out on the ground.

You cannot call Queenslanders Banana benders, as this could be seen as a monkey joke.

All jokes about incest and Tasmanians are banned, publicly.

You cannot call the vics Mexicans, or cheating @ssholes.

The phrase lucky bastard is ok, but bastard cannot be used without the prefix lucky.

You cannot call Western Australia a province of South Africa, because that makes all Australians uncomfortable.

All comments about there being a conspiracy for New south Wales cricketers should be kept to sportsmans nights or said under your breath.

You cannot refer to any player as any animal, unless in the showers where the word donkey is still allowed.

South Australians should continued to be ignored.

You can call New Zealanders what ever you’d like, we hate those fu©ken sheep shagging ©unts.

Great Blogging Uncle J rod, keep it up.

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leadership gurus and the new world order

I understand sport is now professional.

I get that with the amount of money generated out of sport, that professional athletes have the rights to feed their family from the profits their actions generate.

I know that in a professional world there are going to be hangers on, looking to make a quick buck or two.

Doesn’t mean I have to like them.

With that we come to this story, Ray MacLean a former RAAF leadership dude comes in and helps the Australian team find the spirit of cricket.

How about contacting Richie Benaud, he is the fu©ken spirit of cricket.

I really don’t care if some football coach who was once from the northern suburbs of Melbourne likes him, or if the coach of the Australian basketball team used him.

If you want to know about the spirit of cricket, you don’t get a round table with Ponting, some suits, a professional coach and some dude that trained people to kill more efficiently.

You go and talk to ex cricketers, cricket historians, well respected cricket writers and then you ignore them all and continue to play to win.

I can’t help but think all this is being done to calm down Peter Spanky Roebuck.

The thing is, nothing calms down Spanky, he is constantly angry about something, which is fine, we have all come to expect that, but don’t placate him with spirit of cricket talks and such, just let him keep bagging the aussies while they win.

And who would take him serious after he called for Katich to be Australia’s next captain?

I think to stop all this nonsense we should play a test tomorrow.

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