Tag Archives: 2011 world cup

India is superpower

There are no more tracer bullets to dodge, the truth is now here.

India is superpower.

Frankly I am happy, as I have always assumed the Indian race was far superior to all other races.

All our problems are gone, let us bathe lustily in the knowledge that India owns us.

Now I can happily bow down before them and wait to meet their every command.

For too long I’ve waited for a powerful race to take over the world, and in India we have a beautiful race of people to enslave us all.

The things that I’ve always liked about our new global dictators include Sehwagology, Navjot’s mouth, Kumble’s poise, everything about Venkatapathy Raju, Bedi’s anger, MS Gony’s demeanour, VVS’s hands and every single thing about Sachin.

You see, unlike some johnny come latelys who are just professing their love for India now they know they own the world, I’ve always loved them.

I don’t have to prove my love, but if you buy a shirt as ugly as the one I wore here, it certainly means a lot.

My grovelling is pure and right.

India, in your hands the world will be shaped exactly the right way.

Your wrists will smash down that iron fist with elegance and class.

The world is yours Indian overlords, use it however you wish.

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Previously at the World Cup

India

Didn’t bother fielding or bowling to defeat Bangladesh after Sehwagology opened the tournament. Had three weeks off, then made a shit load of runs against England, panicked, and then somehow ended with a tie. Beat Ireland without too much flare. Tried to smash the Dutch off the map, but had to settle for a five wicket win. Looked like they were going to embarrass South Africa before Steyn steam rolled them and South Africa’s middle order got them over the line. Got bowled out by the sweet hips of Rampaul, but still easily beat a snoozing Windies. Kept Australia to a chaseable target, stumbled a touch before Shaun Tait brought them back to an easy win. Sehwag pushed them a few runs past a middle aged middle order of Pakistan with a bit of help from fielding.

Batting – Godzilla.

Bowling – Better than it looks.

Fielding – Better than Pakistan’s.

Sri Lanka

Started with a bye against Canada. Lost to Pakistan without Malinga or a middle order. Stepped over the bloated corpse of Kenya. Was about to have their middle order tested by Australia when the rain came down. Did what they had to against Zimbabwe. Made a decent total against New Zealand and then destroyed them. Stopped England from ever getting a par total, and then had a party that only two were invited to with the batting. Had another game against New Zealand, this time it was closer, but they still got home with barely more than a trip.

Batting – Hard on top, soft in the middle, non-existent at the end.

Bowling – Predators.

Fielding – Good enough.

Who’s favourite

It seems that India is, and with Mathews out, even more so.

Hospital watch

India

Nehra is out, just when he plays his best game. May not be a loss considering the pitch.

Gambhir is in, hamstrings are a risk, and he won’t get a runner.

Sri Lanka

Murali is in, the man is moving like someone has nailed his feet to the ground, he can’t get through the crease at all, he’s still Murali though.

Mathews is out, was the one class ODI batsmen in their middle order, and his bowling could have meant that they played three spinners without too much fear.

What India must do to win

The reverse Shastri. They aren’t perfect, and they probably know this, their last two games have been grinds rather than blasts, which is what suits them even better. There might be more pressure on them to win this than they can handle, but they have the batting to blow this bastard apart. What they can’t do is expect the top two to do it, if everyone bats their ass off; Sri Lanka might not have a long enough order to match it.

What Sri Lanka must do to win

Tie the top order to the bedpost. They might not bat as deep as India, but their top four is pretty, and their bowlers are far more powerful than India’s, so if they can squeeze out every run they can from their top order, that might be enough if their bowlers are on song. They also might not feel like they are worse than India, but can use the underdog nature and lack of pressure at the ground to throw all their shit on the wall.

Who will win

Sri Lanka, actually I have no real idea. One team has limited bowling and a great batting line up that can collapse. The other has a good bowling line up, a tasty top order and a line up from 5-11 that looks highly flammable. The reason I say Sri Lanka is that I picked them at the start of the tournament, and I think it would be nice if I was right.

Weird factoid about the final

Neither team can win, because old ancient cricket gods have decreed that you shouldn’t pick a wicket keeper as captain.

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Make dot balls not war

This could have been the game to end all games.

But Pakistan were clever, whether it be the water, prisoners or Kashmir, they knew a polite loss was better for them.

Some will doubt this, they’ll think that Pakistan were just not good enough.

The truth is the Pakistan government sent in two diplomats in their middle order, and they did their job to cool the contest down so much that by the end there would be no problems.

This was disappointing to me.

To the sickos who like that sort of peace and hand holding stuff, this was a victory.

To me this game lacked the sort of hyperbolic anger I was hoping for.

Sure Sehwag preached quickly, Sachin’s innings was slapstick, and the Pakistan innings had a buried alive kind of feel, but it didn’t feel that explosive.

For Indian fans, they don’t care how they got there, as long as they do.

For Pakistan fans, they’ve got more important things to think about, like whether Rehman Malik is watching them.

Malik is watching me right now.

It’s creepy.

He’s far more aggressive than the Pakistani batsmen.

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Time for a cricket inspired war

There seems to be a thought that India V Pakistan can bring these two countries together at last. For some this isn’t a game, but a chance for two countries to unite and shake each other’s hands and eat fairy floss together.  They think that when these two teams play a respectable game that some how decades of hatred and suspicion will be overcome with a bit of “the best team won on the day”.

I don’t think so.

Cricket isn’t the sport to bring about world peace, but to bring it anarchy.

This world is stale and dull, we need an apocalypse, we need a world war, and I want cricket to inspire this.

For that to happen what is better than a world cup semi final where both teams cheat, sledge and abuse each other until the only option for both countries is all out war.

I don’t want civility and bullshit respect, I want complete and utter mentalness.

That is what the world needs, that is what the world cup needs, and that just seems like fun.

The world needs a revolution, and I’d like that to be brought out by a fight of the UDRS or whether there really was an edge behind.

Something really petty and cricket related.

I want anarchy to reign in the streets while American reporters try and decipher the LBW rule as people are slayed behind them.

If any sport was invented to bring us to a new world order it was cricket.

Now all we need is for the Indian and Pakistani cricket teams to do their bit.

Cheat, be arrogant, bend the rules, take a steamy dump on the spirit of cricket,  abuse your opposition and be as brutal as you can, don’t let this opportunity slip, the world needs you boys, it needs the apocalypse your cricket bastardy can bring.

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Rehman stops the fix with one press statement from hell

Too often in the past with small matches like most world cup semi finals, players just spot and match fixed their asses off.

They know by that stage in the tournament no one is really watching so they can get away with all sorts of shit.

In the past I’ve assumed Kenya, Sri Lanka, South Africa and New Zealand spot fixed blatantly in world cup semi finals, the problem was, no on was keeping a close watch.

This is the perfect time to fix a match, because who is going to be watching the semi finals of the world cup closely? Especially a boring game between India and Pakistan.

I suppose most of us cricket sadists and tragics will follow the scores casually, but very few will watch it.

Before I felt guilty about the possibility that I’d forget the game was on altogether, only to check the newspapers the next day and see the score.

Now I don’t, because Rehman Malik has his eye on this one and his eye is all seeing and magnificent and super genetically modified and carbon based.

“I gave them a warning yesterday that there should be no match-fixing. I am keeping a close watch. If any such thing happens, we are going to take action,”

The problem is, I don’t really want to have to watch either of the semi finals, who has the time, or for that matter, the final, but it is important to me as a cricket fan that no fixing of any kind is going on.

So, Rehman, if you’re upto it, the whole world is going to ignore the last three games and just take your word for it that everything goes clean.

Oh, but I’m also worried that the teams won’t prepare well, my team isn’t playing, and I won’t be watching, but it would pain me if the players weren’t well prepared.

“They should concentrate on their practice and must go to bed early. They should ensure discipline and rise up according to their schedule.”

That’s a weight off my shoulder.  Jesse likes the night light kept on, and Yuvraj can’t eat after 10 because he gets nightmares.

So they’re in bed, but what about their phones. I mean who the hell is Upul Tharanga talking to, it’s probably some sexual predator who likes the less exciting opening partner.  Can you help out there as well, Rehman?

“I should not have revealed but we keep an eye on people who meet our players, with whom they talk by telephone.”

Phew.

Well, dude, I think you’ve got this covered.

Oh, just one last one, can you end corruption in cricket while you have a few spare minutes?

“If you want to stamp out corruption in cricket, the simple law of the world is crime should not pay,”

There is genius in that, Rehman, thanks for fixing world cricket one press statement at a time.

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How New Zealand can win the world cup: Pretend they are playing South Africa

How New Zealand will win

They probably won’t, but it would be cute if they did.

They have a top four that has the skill to scare some teams, and the late order with the hitting power to boost some totals, but they need every single player to be at their best for two games and that is not likely.

They do however have some things in their favour.  Sri Lanka has a similar line up to South Africa.  And if Pakistan make the final, they’ve already beaten them.  If they play India in the final, they can hope for a plane crash the night before the game.

All they can do is try and bat first, put on a reasonable total, nothing too special, then use tight bowling, Martin Guptil’s Roger Ramjet fielding, and a bit of lip hoping that all three can make the opposition feel the pressure of being in a big game get to them.

If they bowl first, they probably need a lot of luck and some run outs.  Also some bad umpiring decisions followed by poor use of the UDRS would help.  As would Kyle Mills going into the changerooms to torment the opposition before they get out there as a pre-emptive strike.

Their team is not horrible, but until Pakistan stopped hitting the pitch and South Africa choked they looked like they were lucky they didn’t have to play Ireland or Bangladesh.

If they did win the world cup they’d be the first team to ever do it without a strike bowler and it would be the biggest thing to happen to New Zealand since Bad Taste was released.

What New Zealand must do

Never give up, never surrender, hope like hell other teams will choke under their disciplined bowling and fielding effort.

How to beat New Zealand

Fast bowling did it for Australia; spin bowling did it for India.  Twice this team has failed to get to 200, and they didn’t make much more than that against South Africa.  While the batting line up is long, (strangely the longest left in the tournament), they are prone to a complete collapse from head to toe.

I think the best way to do this is to attack them at all times.  When you’re attacking them one wicket seems to send a panic through all of them.  They will probably struggle to put on a total of 300 plus and blow you out of the water, so you can afford to be a bit more attacking.

Their bowling and fielding has far less big names and performs much more as a competent unit.  Their fifth bowler, if Oram plays purely as a bowler like he has, might be a weakness.  Vettori didn’t like giving Woodcock the ball against South Africa, if you can attack him and Styris, they might be in trouble.  Also Vettori is a big weakness in the field.

If your team is struggling and suddenly four tall men are around you after you’ve made a dreadful mistake, keep your elbows at the ready and “accidentally” push your bat handle into their genitals.  They might be tall, but few people like a bat handle to the groin.

What not to do against New Zealand

Hit the ball near Guptill and run.

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How Sri Lanka can win the world cup: Tie the top order to a bedpost

How Sri Lanka will win

Sri Lanka should think of South Africa to win this world cup.

Their top four are as good as South Africas, but in better form.  After that is Thilan with his Gangsta limp and average of 27. Silva with his talent and lack of runs. Then the man who doesn’t exist.  Mathews is the only one of these three I trust, and right behind him is the longest tail in the world.

Any team playing them has to know this and therefore early wickets are a necessity.

The reason this tail is so long is because they’re picking four top line bowlers, and with Dilshan and Mathews to back them up, they have one hell of a bowling line up.

Their strength is wicket taking.  Kumar should get slightly more adventurous in the last two games with his field.  Strauss, Dhoni, Ponting and Vettori have been more attacking with their fields than Kumar, and he has the bowling line up they’d all dream over.

If their top four make runs, Murali stays fit and Kumar backs his bowlers this should be the team to win the world cup.  They’re like South Africa only suited to the conditions with a team who should win knock out games.

What Sri Lanka must do

Threaten to bring Jamie Siddons in as batting coach if their top order fails.

How to beat Sri Lanka

You should beg, steal or molest four wickets out of them.  That is the way to keep their score down to a chaseable amount.  Dilshan should be bullied.  He likes to think of himself as Mr Cool, so get in his face, tell him he’s over rated, and make him think with his dick and not his bat.  If he is thinking with a clear head that is not good for business.

The other three I have no idea.  The best idea is if you do keep them in, that you just restrict the bad balls to them, they’re all proper batsmen and not hitters, don’t give them chances to hit easy fours while moving the ball around for a single.

When they bowl there are some things you can do.  Murali is hurting, he isn’t getting through his delivery at all, and he can’t field.  It’s not the worst idea to attack him when he bowls slightly more to see how he takes it, and hit every ball you can to him.

Malinga is a great death bowler, but there are ways to lessen his impact.  Use the crease, bat a metre out of your ground, then a metre back, also.  If he can’t find his length he gives you a lot of full tosses and half volleys.  The other is through use of the powerplay.  Against England he bowled his 6th over in the 37th over, then he had a rest and came back on at the 43rd.  Once he is finished with 6 overs, call the powerplay.  Then Kumar has to think about what to do with him, and you either get less of him in the powerplay, or less of him at the end of the innings.  Either way, you win.

If you can pick Mendis, treat him like Chris Harris and starting picking out spots above the sightscreen where you want to dispatch him.  If you can’t pick him, milk him until you go out.

What not to do against Sri Lanka

Let Malinga bowl when he wants to bowl.

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How South Africans might feel after that

I could never try and pretend to be a South African, it would be like me trying to be religious, but I know the pain of constant losing in one particular tournament and I think if I was South African I’d feel roughly like this…

What is the fucken point of us playing in this tournament.  What is ever our point as a cricket team in general.  Every fucken time we just fold up like a plastic chair at even a hint of referred pressure.  You can say we’ve been unlucky, you can say we’ve been cocky, you you can also say that our very existence is proof that humans are lucky to have thumbs because otherwise we’d all be crawling around in the mud grunting at each other.  I can understand losing to a better team.  I can even understand having the opposition just out play us on the other day. But we don’t need a fucken other team, we just need ourselves.  New Zealand could have put out a whole team of cardboard cut outs and just waited for us to fuck up.  I feel bad for New Zealand, because they might have been good enough on the day to beat us regardless, but it’s almost impossible to give them any real credit when we went we lost this game by simply turning up knowing it was a knock out match.  Before today I would have liked to believe that the reason we had lost in the past might have stemmed from a belief that we couldn’t get to the top of world cricket.  But we fucken did, we beat Australia at home, well before they really turned to shit, and even after some hiccups we were the number one ranked test side for a time.  India are the number one test side in the world, and they can’t beat us in a test series.  We should be cocky swinging motherfuckers who believe that nothing can stop us.  We have the world’s best pace bowler and the world’s best wrist spinner, we have a statistical colossal all rounder, as good a batsman in world cricket opening up and our number four has the ability to do every but turn water into wine.  Still we fuck up.  Still we find a way to make ourselves the world’s laughing stock for the 6th cunting cock of a time. It’s fucking bullshit.  It’s a fucking disgrace.  And it’s all so fucking inevitable.  Our cricket board’s twitter account was trying to make light of the c word.  Fuck the C word. Don’t give me this C is for Champions bullshit.  C is for fucking choke because everytime we end up in this fucking tournament we choke.  We fucking choke. That is what we do. CHOke choke choke choke shocke chokec chokelks  chokelmkwe  CHOKE CHOKE CHOKEKKE.  That is what C is for, that is what we did, and frankly fuck off to anyone who says next time that we aren’t chokers. We aren’t chokers in four years time when we win this tournament, until then we fucken are. Actually, fuck this tournament as well, it can choke on my fucken rage. Fuck this tournament, fuck the ICC, let’s just pull out.  We don’t need this shit, we’re a proud people who has changed out nation more in the last few years than some countries have in hundreds of years.  So fuck the ICC, fuck the world cup, and fuck our attempts at ever winning this.  The world is a fucked up place and I hope that tomorrow the whole place gets smashed by an astroid and everyone on this planet s fucks off and dies.

Dedicated to Ant Sims.

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Ricky, take a bow

Ricky could have just stayed and waited to die in this game.

Instead he gave it one last go.  That’s Ricky.

With no legs, and his bloody stumps leaking blood all over the place, Ricky pulled ten largely lifeless bodies out of the dungeon, up the stairs, past the boobie trapped shot guns, over the crocodile infested moat and truck he found in the woods.

It was an amazing effort considering how close he was to death as well.

The problem for Ricky was that there were no keys to the truck.

He was just stuck there with the ten other blokes waiting for the killers to come and end him.

The waiting looked like it pained him, but when this all ended, as much as he fought to survive, he must have felt some relief.

Ricky, it’s over, there’s nothing left.  You can leave now, it’s ok, we won’t mind.  Your effort was special,yet it just doesn’t matter anymore.  This is no longer your problem.  There is now nothing you can do other than retire.  If you can drag out a hundred with a broken finger and still lose comfortably there is nothing left for you to do here.  It’s someone else’s job. No one said you had to keep playing until Australia gets good again, you’re entitled to retiring as much as anyone else with 3 world cups, a host of series victories and some demon batting performances.

Your work here is all done, get a gold watch off James Sutherland, ask Channel 9 for a job and play a bit of celebrity golf.

Ricky, thanks and good luck in the future.

Let the next guy try and drag his team mates out of the dungeon while your enjoying a cold one in a corporate box.

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How Pakistan can win the world cup: Ride the Afridi love wand

How Pakistan will win

There is no doubt that Pakistan has holes in their line up, and that at any stage the whole team could self combust into flames, even if Ross Taylor isn’t involved.

Looking at Pakistan in any sort of structured way is like trying to prove ghosts exist by looking at three episodes of most haunted.

Pakistan can win because Shahid Afridi is currently walking around oozing cocaine and champagne out of every orifice when he bowls.

Sometimes all you need is a leader who is so cock sure of himself that everyone else just assumes he can walk on water.

While Ian Chappell might not see the beauty of Afridi, the Pakistan players seem to.

Chappell likes things regimented and tough, he would have excelled in World War 2, but Afridi is guerilla warfare and Chappell’s segmented brain can’t process the many levels of awesomeness that are attacking him when Afridi is on fire.

Shahid Afridi can win this tournament, he might need some help, but in his mind he probably has 11 personalities that he can bring together to win the world cup on his own.

It’s even possible that in his head he’s already won this tournament and we just don’t know it.

Afridi does exist on many planes at once, even when he doesn’t make any runs.

What Pakistan must do

Ride the Afridi love wand.

How Pakistan can lose

Perhaps Afridi has used all his mojo. It’s possible, even though his mojo seems bottomless. His mojo can also be spent on other things at time leaving his cricket limp and lifeless.

The rest of team is not horrible, it’s just that the rest of the team seems to be made of tissue paper not human flesh.

If Afridi does run out of magic bowling beans it’s hard to see how Pakistan can win the last two games.

They have other players, their middle order was both born in the age of enlightenment, and Umar Gul is a far better bowler than his sideburns show, I just don’t see how they win if Afridi isn’t taking wickets, raising his arms in the air and moving his head from side to side like the world’s most eager puppy waiting for a treat.

But they’re Pakistan, so speculation about what will and won’t happen is like making sense of Afridi’s batting.

What not to do against Pakistan

Hit the ball in the air to anyone who isn’t Kamran Akmal.

Now, the two chucks.

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