Category Archives: ICL

Lalit Modi to chair the ICL

Indian Cricket League announces today that Lalit Modi will be accounced as chairman of the Indian Cricket League from 1 November 2010.

Lalit Modi, who has recently stepped down as chairman of the IPL and Vice President of the BCCI, will join the Indian Cricket League to give the company more focus and make it an international player again.

Mr Chandra said: “I am delighted to be handing over to Lalit. He is one of India’s leading franchise cricket operators and has strong links to the players. He got KP on twitter, that is pretty impressive”.

“I am sure his vast experience, particularly in backroom politicking and blatant self promotion, will be of great benefit to the ICL in ensuring our continued resurgence as India’s leading rebel cricket league.”

“The ICL was originally in direct competition with Lalit Modi’s IPL, we were not strong enough to defeat him.  With Lalit on our side, we have the BCCI’s rabid corporate dog on our side, and we hope he will take a bite or two for us.”

Lalit said: “You thought I wuz finished, well fuq all ya zeros. The ICL iz gettin wit da hero, biaches. Yall bettah git on yo’ knees an’ pray I don’t sheeit in yo’ breakfast. I gots lot o’ enemies in dis here world, but they’ll be gone soon, Ima gonna rip dis here sheeit up, three blackberries at once, press conferences wit players on twitter, cigarette companies owning everyfuckenthing, coke (not pepsi), da blingiest shirts ever, uh celebrity playin in every team, Russian owners, nahh Chris fucken Cairns, players tweeting on da field, iphone apps available fo’ wicket keepers, holograms on da cheeks o’ bowlers as dey come in, every blade o’ grass will be branded. This sheeit iz about ta git tight, so buckle up mudda fuckers. The ICL just got entered by Lalit, nothin gonna be da same. The ICL wuz like me, dead, but we’s iz risin up from da dead ta jack yo’ ride an’ fuq yo’ daughter. ICL ta da death, homes.”

The ICL is already signing some big name players because of Lalit’s comeback, it is believed Andy Bichel, Craig White, Mark Richardson and Basit Ali have all signed up.

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Aaron Redmond Dumped

In a move that is sure to piss off the cricket world, the world’s favourite nudger, Aaron ‘i slog for Otago’ Redmond, has been kicked off the New Zealand contracted players list.

I know what you are thinking, “what sort of superstar cricketer would have to come onto the list for someone of Redmond’s abounding class to be dropped?”

A 34 year old part time bowler.


I think I speak for all fans of world cricket when I say we want Aaron Redmond, but we can take or leave Shane Bond.

What has he ever done?

Taken some wickets against Australian, annoyed Lalit Modi, and broken down more than Shane Watson starring in Running man.

And now he is back from the Vladivostok cricket abyss that was the ICL.

I ‘spose that is ok, I like Bond, but why did it have to come at the expense of Aaron.

Also contracted by NZC, Walter Hadlee & Danny Morrison.

The rest of the ICL players were ignored.

When asked why players of the ilk of McMillan, Vincent and Harris were left out, Justin Vaughan said, “who?”

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The BCCi ICL Amnesty Ceremony

In order for any ex ICL player to be let back into proper cricket they have to go through a few ceremonial activities.

They shall be flogged by ex test players who are currently finding it tough to make ends meet.

Players must bathe themselves in the urine of the pure, the under 23 IPL players.

All hairs must be plucked from their bodies, one by one, in a process that should take 5 days.

They shall have cheese graters taken over their testicles by the best Italian chefs in India.

Their nipples shall be cut off with butter knives, and sewn back on by excitable teenage girls.

They shall have to spend one hour with Navjot Siidhu.

Players will have to impale themselves on bat cones, and then switch bat cones with the person to their right.

Each player must cook and eat their faeces.

And then to finish it off, the players have to grovel at the feet of Lalit Modi until he thinks they have learned their lesson.

I know what you are thinking, I can’t wait to see this.

Well luckily for you Zee TV are showing it, all they need to do is kill off the first born child of each employee and Lalit will allow them full access.

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What is worse? ICL or Jail

Old cricketers have a few options available to them.

Pundit, administracrat, coach, ICL player, or drug mule.

The first three require brains, or nude photos of important people, the last two don’t.

Had Chris Lewis played in the ICL he would not have trafficked illegal drugs.

If he was bowling to Craig McMillan and batting with Stuart Law he wouldn’t have time to put cocaine into cans and take it into the UK.

You can’t do both. Obviously.

The question is what is  worse, to be a drug mule or an ICL cricketer?

If Lewis had received a 6 month sentence, he could realistically be playing international cricket before the ICL players (talent, dedication and age not withstanding).

There is probably more money in playing for the ICL, if they pay you, not even Lalit can get you jail time for playing in it.

On the plus side prison uniforms are usually way more flattering than anything the IPL has.

The ICL has Mayanti Langer, in prison Chris Lewis is the Mayanti.

Going to prison gives you street cred, playing in the ICL means you hang with Chris Harris.

And in Prison you don’t have to deal with Tony Greig.

Chris Lewis has got it easy.

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And Lalit parted his own red sea

The dirty diseased ICLers are being dragged out of Quarantine, and one day could end up as real live International and Domestic cricketers again.

Hallelujah, praise the Lalit.

Lalit might be an asshole, but what an asshole he is; in one foul swoop he has ended the ICL.

How could it possibly run a tournament now?

They are broke, broken, and they will lose more than a few of their better players from this.

Guys like Imran Nazir, Shane Bond and Stuary Binny will surely be on the shopping list of the KKR and Bangalore train wrecks.

And the best thing is that this all happened because ICL players came to the BCCi and ‘admitted their mistake’.

They admitted that it was a mistake to try pay their mortgages off quicker, especially the ones who signed up before the IPL even existed.

This is just for the Indian players, because the BCCi has no say over cricketers from other nations.


This should now end all the bullshit with the ICL players once and for all.

The players can’t come straight back into International cricket, there is a one year punishment that goes with coming back and saying you’re wrong.

Apparently Lalit will individually take each player over his knee and whack them until they cry.

No one will spank Tony Greig, well, someone will, but for pleasure, not pain.

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Pakistan flip flop with the best of them

Pakistan picked ICL players for the t20 hey what a groovy concept cup only days ago.

And now.

“The factual position is that we have dropped these players as we are still waiting for a clear ruling from the International Cricket Council on the ICL players,”

What is the unfactual position.

“Lalit had some hired goons drop around with large bats and short tempers and we thought fuck this is all a bit serious”.

Either someone in the PCB is braindead, or they did it to test the water, but a back flip as complete and fast as this isn’t really worth anything at all.

Sri Lanka did one as well.

Seems a bit pointless really, but at least I had a couple of nights worth of Imran Nazir wet dreams.

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If India win today, the BCCi still lose

Pakistan has named dirty diseased ICL players in their world t20 boom cup.

One of them was cricket with balls’ favourite ICL player Imran Nazir, a speed freak type batsman.

Who knows that this means for global cricket harmony.

But with the ICL falling apart at the seams, we are going to see New Zealanders, Pakistanis and Bangladeshis back in real cricket soon.

Surely even the BCCi must forget about bans and bullshit now.

Or Lalit can have all returning players offed.

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Is Bond back?

The mumbled mumblings out of New Zealand are about the ICL failing to pay their bills.

It has been a small story for a while, but now it looks like ICL may have to shed some heavyweights to afford to survive.

I can’t see it surviving it anyway.

But if they have to get rid of some of the big names it means Shane Bond, Mohammad Yusuf, and the other proper cricketers playing over there are a chance of coming back to test cricket.

That can’t be a bad thing.

For the non star players Tony Greig is on the case.

He will get their money. He would never be involved in a shady business dealing.

Would he.

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Modi and ICL get together to show unity in this terrible time

That is not true.


But Rediff are trying to bring the dirty diseased rebels together with the aryan cricket league.

On talking about about Modi’s trip to South Africa they suggested he was travelling with two shady characters.

Modi will be accompanied by ICL CEO Sundar Raman and Tournament Director Dhiraj Malhotra.”

I got very excited, until i googled the two men and found out they are the Goebbels and Goering of the IPL.

Not Victor Laszlo leaders of the resistance.

If rediff editors were to be believed, just for a moment we saw world peace.

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India stays healthy

The way they should be.

It almost didn’t happen though.

With the schedule of this tour changing, the Indians were to play for Kiwi domestic sides.

But, shock horror, they have ICL players in Kiwi domestic cricket.

The filthy swines.

It could have been a disaster.

If one Indian player was to play with an ICL player, within hours the whole squad could die.

Imagine Indian players in a shower, all soaped up, water flowing down their glistening brown skin, their muscles pulsating as they run their hands all over themselves, their large members swinging freely in the warm water. On the other side of the shower is a rabid infected ICL player with rebel puss, blood, semen and urine trickling onto the communal shower floor edgign ever closer to those naked Indian cricketers.

Not nice is it.

And let us not forget that these players would share toilet seats as well.

Maybe even drink bottles.

Perhaps even drink formt he same toilets.

It could have gone horribly wrong.

Luckily the Kiwis have found a way to slot the Indians into teams that have no infected players.

And just to be safe, they also wont be playing against teams that have ICL players in them.

Just in case they shook hands at the end of the match with one.

You can catch it that way too y’know.

Now all the Indian players can get their much anticipated match practice without the threat of infection.

Happy day.

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