Cricket style guides: When can you judge a pitch?

Why you can’t judge a pitch until both teams have batted on it?

Because it’s a cricket saying.

Why you can judge a pitch until both teams have batted on it?

Weird story, but sometimes a pitch starts helpful for bowlers, especially in the morning. In that session, if the bowlers are doing well, it means the top order might disappear, but then as the pitch loses some bite, either your tail and lower middle order make runs, or the opposition top order does. Sometimes the worst sign in cricket is that your tail are no longer struggling like your top order did. Although in no situation should that result in any less vitriol being put on the batsmen who have yet again had to be bailed out by their bowlers. That is a law of the spirit of cricket, as I am lead to understand our ancient cricket scrolls.

The heavy roller actually changes the surface. It compacts it, and as it slowly uncompacts teams can sometimes get on top. An hour with no wickets, especially when your team has just been bowled out cheaply on what you assume is a friendly wicket, can eat at your cricket brain. The heavy roller is a conspiracy by batsmen to defraud bowlers, and should be used once a match, and then never again. Much like off spin.

When a team makes a million runs, there are psychological reasons why the second team will struggle more. Scoreboard pressure is real. I mean, it may not be real real, but it’s cricket real. In that a team going out to bat will look up at a total of 500 or 600 and literally shit themselves. Not to mention the basic human principles of tiredness, standing out in the field for most of two days is not the perfect preparation for batting. Standing, chasing and bowling are all more tiring than none of those things.

There are shocking occasions when a team has batsmen and bowlers suited to pitch conditions. We call these occasions “cricket”. That means that while one team might coast around like they own the place, the others might stumble around like they were forced to play cricket against their will. This should not also be confused with times when conditions have not changed at all, but one team plays better than the other team. This is also called cricket, or fucken cricket, if your team is the shit one.

It should also be remembered that pitches are made of thousands of living creatures, and over an hour, session or day, it can change the very nature of the game. They care not for fairness or the spirit of cricket, they are grass, and as such, impartial even when grown with bias. This is their game; we are merely the trampling monsters trying to kill their families while distracting ourselves from the pointless of our very existence. Their only recourse is by annoying us as many times as possible.

It is also possible for a team to bat good on a bowling pitch, or bowl well on a flat pitch. Truth.

The ball swings in the air. The ball seams and bounces off the pitch. These are two different things. One is made largely of grass and liquid manure. The other is made of oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, argon and farts. The ball doesn’t swing because of grass anymore than the ball seams because of carbon dioxide. That is the heavy ball of science you just faced.

And most importantly, why you can judge a pitch before both teams have batted on it, because you are a cricket fan or an ex player who are made up of humans who intrinsically need to judge things, quantify things, and shout about things at all times. Wrongly, sure. Too early, ofcourse. Without scientific reasoning or clear thought, no doubt. No one knows exactly what a pitch will do, how it will effect a game, what part is has played. We just talk our own liquid manure.

You can judge a pitch wrongly at any point, long used bullshit cricket statements are not binding.

(Although catches do win matches).


One thought on “Cricket style guides: When can you judge a pitch?

  1. MJ says:

    Cracking article filled with truth and I assume not aimed or inspired by anyone in particular.

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