Cricket news hurl: Zip-a-du-Pless-i

It’s not far from the M Chinnaswamy Stadium to the HAL (Hindustan Aeronautics Limited) Sports ground. But if you want to play for the Bangalore United Cricket Club, you’d have to make your way to the Old Airport Road for the game. It won’t be televised or tweeted about, and billions won’t live or die by the result. But there was Rahul Dravid, far from the Royal Rajasthan rampallions, just making a hundred in a Karnataka State Cricket Association Group 1, Division 2 match. Rumour has it, if you cut Rahul Dravid, he bleeds linseed oil.

With the amount of rain following Indian matches at the moment, Dravid’s next match might be a sellout. Despite the last match being washed out, Dhoni’s house was still stoned. Perhaps because throwing the stones at the clouds would have required an arm like Tom Moody. Australia lead 2-1 in that series, which should be cricket’s dullest scoreline, but Bangladesh and New Zealand’s 0-0 Test series was pretty dull. Especially when you include the fact that New Zealand’s warm-up match was also abandoned without a ball being bowled.

Luckily, and always, Pakistan saved the day. It was enough that they rode the Misbah to the top of the mountain to cut the head off the lion in the first Test. Beating South Africa once should have been enough to at least get the Misbah haters and fickle Pakistan fans to shut up for a minute, but instead they played the next Test. That turned out to be a big mistake. Misbah failed once in the whole series (no, two Tests is not really a series), and Pakistan gave up any chance of winning the series with a total of 99 runs. In the end, they lost by an innings and 92 runs, despite Misbah and Asad Shafiq trying to save their team in the second innings.

But even Misbah couldn’t steal the headlines in that innings (he became Dean Elgar’s first, and probably only, Test wicket). But Faf du Plessis’ zipper was the real star of the show. That is where du Plessis decided to “shine” the ball. The ball changed appearance, the umpires noticed, they replaced the ball, and a five-run penalty was imposed on South Africa, who were only a kabillion runs in front at that stage. Du Plessis has since pleaded guilty. GUILTY. And yet, all he received was a 50% fine of his match fee. That’s all. He was not beaten with copies of Wisden, not sacrificed on the altar of Lord’s, or even made to explain the spirit of cricket. He was given a 50% fine. The same fine Virat Kohli got for flipping the bird, Tamim Iqbal got for pushing Brendon McCullum, Stuart Broad got for showing dissent, and in the first Test of the series, Adnan Akmal and Robin Peterson got for gentle tussling.

Forget that, though, Harbhajan Singh was fined 15% (35% less, if that helps) by the ICC for having the wrong colour shoelaces. Other players have been suspended and vilified for tampering with a ball (despite the fact that every team in the world has done it one way or another). Du Plessis, GUILTY, received no ban, only a 50% fine, and a five-run penalty. He is being vilified on Youtube by the many videos of him “shining” the ball that the umpires had to replace. So far, no players have been suspended for having the wrong colour shoelaces.

If anyone was to be suspended for the wrong colour shoelaces, it would be Haroon Lorgat. General Haroon ended its current series with a bang when Cricket South Africa stood down/suspended/threw of a bridge (pick the one you prefer; CSA may not pick one) Haroon Lorgat at the wishes of the BCCI. Lorgat will not be representing CSA at the next ICC CEO meeting (the meeting where they suggest how to improve cricket before the chairmen disagree and do whatever they want anyway) and duties involving India’s tour. The series was also shortened/slashed/tightened to have only two tests. Lorgat will also be the subject of an ethics inquiry into his behaviour.

Hopefully, for his sake, the ethics committee looks into his recent behaviour as thoroughly as it did when the Federation of International Cricketers’ Associations asked why their players had to vote more than once to get their representative on the board. Which was when BCCI-contracted commentator and close personal acquaintance of BCCI president Mr N Srinivasan, Laxman Sivaramakrishnan, was voted into that position. You probably already knew that, but it’s fun to remember things like that in times like this.

Australian chairman Wally Edwards said this week that Australia made a mistake to discard Simon Katich. Edwards has said it just late enough for there to be nothing that can be done to save Katich’s career. Edwards has been chairman since 2011. Katich played his last Test in 2010. Edwards also said that even if Australia lost 5-0 in the next Ashes, James Sutherland would not lose his job. Australia lost their first home series since Justin Bieber was alive in 2008-09, when they were the No. 1 ranked Test team on earth. Since then, they have won one Champions Trophy, lost three straight Ashes, have had no major Test series wins, exited the World Cup in the quarter-finals, failed to defend the Champions Trophy, or win any World Twenty20 titles, and have dropped to five in the Test rankings. Of course, if Australia do lose 5-0, and West Indies draw or win in a Test against India, Australia will be ranked sixth in the world in Tests. But, to repeat, Sutherland’s position is safe. Katichaveraged nearly 50 in his last three years in Test cricket. His position was not safe.

Part of Sutherland’s success, and apparently bullet- and failure-proof exterior, is making Cricket Australia a lot of money, and that he takes big calls. For instance, when Cricket Australia decided not to run a slogan that the sponsor of the Western Australian Warriors wanted. The ad was to say, “Alcohol and sport don’t mix”, but Cricket Australia worried about other sponsors and made them pick another slogan. Brilliantly, when Queensland played Western Australia in the Ryobi Cup, it was officially a match between XXXX GOLD Queensland Bulls v Alcohol. Think again, Western Warriors.

Someone whose position was never safe was former Sri Lanka team manager Charith Senanayake, who this week decided to show just how unprofessional Sri Lankan cricket was, if there was anyone left who didn’t believe it was the case. On the Sri Lanka Cricket elections he was lovely and clear: “It’s not free and fair, and it’s politically influenced and manipulated. How can such a key position like the secretary’s post go uncontested?” The whole interview, onIsland Cricket, is nice. Nishantha Ranatunga, the man Senanayake believes had him fired, is the current secretary of SLC and the brother of World cup-winning Arjuna. He was also the secretary of the board at the same time he was CEO of the company Sri Lanka Cricket sold the TV rights too. I hope he didn’t drive too hard a bargain with himself.

If you’re too depressed to keep reading, watch the video of perhaps the most entertaining innings in the history of cricket . And the other where Queensland batsman Chris Lynn points out Yvonne Sampson, a TV host, behind him at a Ryobi Cup game   The camera finds her and then shows her simulating a sex act (the actual sex act described was actually a form of Dendrophilia, look it up). It was Cricket Australia who spent 800,000AUD on paying Channel 9 to broadcast this series, money well spent.

According to this article, Che Pujara is the eighth-best sporting stock on earth. “The man who took Rahul Dravid’s number three spot in the Indian order has already surpassed 200 runs in a single at-bat eight times in top-flight play, and soared over 300 thrice, an extraordinary feat (even if you don’t know test cricket from Jiminy Cricket)”. Don’t read that twice. Somehow this piece made news in India, but the best part is that there are four comments on the piece, (weirdly, two from the same guy). Two saying Kohli should have got picked. It proves one thing, forget cricket, what India really dominate is the comments sections of websites.

Not that all Indians are doing well. Ishant Sharma was embarrassed by James Faulkner for 30 match-losing runs in an over. Then an Indian dairy company, I’m not going to name them because they seem like ambulance-chasing meanies, released an ad that said, “Ishant, sharm hai kya?”, or for us English-only people, “Ishant, aren’t you ashamed?” No, he feels fine. He just lost a game against one of his country’s most hated rivals, live on TV, against a down-the-order slogger, where he was dacked (undies and all), in the cricket sense. No, he’s fine. He wants to reinterpret the entirety of Rogers and Hammerstein for a kids audience and broadcast it to the world. I hope they sold a lot of their dairy products.

Dan Christian, who may or may not be a fan of dairy, made 117 off 90 balls for Victoria. It was his highest List A score of his career. In 56 matches for South Australia and New South Wales, Christian never scored more than 100. He took six matches to do so for Victoria.

If you’ve got anything you think should be in next week’s cricket news hurl, email cricketnewshurlatgmail.com. Dendrophilia is a special love of trees. A special love of Christmas trees is probably X-Dendrophilia, or some other latin.   

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9 thoughts on “Cricket news hurl: Zip-a-du-Pless-i

  1. davender says:

    So jarrod you have now taken trolling the BCCI to another level by insulting all Indians with this line ” It proves one thing, forget cricket, what India really dominate is the comments sections of websites.” Sarcasm or racism ???

    Btw, on BCCI trolling, you again mention L Sivaramkrishnan appointment as some sort of injustice. Why is a former test cricketer and a respected commentator so ridiculed when white boys crime like Giles Clarke who was hand in glove with Alan Stanford not once mentioned in the cricket hurl ?? Is it because cricinfo is a white boys company and hence Giles Clarke’s crime are slightly less wrong as was proved in the minor fine to Faf du plessis.

    The ad of Ishant sharma was taken out by Amul.It is not just another dairy company but one of the largest co-operative milk societies in the world operated largely by women.It regularly carries out such cartoons of major happenings in india and takes the mickey out of everybody.

    Also your line that australlia is one of india’s most hated opponents Is just not true. Since the ipl started aussie cricketers have been the most popular with the franchises and the fans.Forget cricket, even in hockey’s equivalent to ipl the hockey india league the largest no of buys in the auction was aussies.So your entire article is factually incorrect.

    • Tom Horton says:

      I dunno how familiar you are with the site, but I’ve taken the liberty of saving you the trouble of reading the “About Us” section, where one will find this statement: “Remember this an unedited ice-cream of consciousness cricket blog, if you want a slick cricket production with millions of dollars that is family friendly and error free, invent one.” The articles here are purely opinion, with the intent to induce a laugh or two usually, and are therefore not at all intended, nor should be expected to be factually correct.

      Enjoy it for what it is: a very funny take on the latest cricket news by Uncle Jrod. Or don’t, your loss.

      • davender says:

        So funny cricket news means making fun of Indians at large only. Sorry this is racism and I will point it out. If you don’t like it too bad.

      • Jrod says:

        Davender, I love that Indians dominate comment boards. It’s brilliant, I understand the need to say what you feel on the internet more than most. It is also the reason I have a career. There is no doubt at all that without Indian fans online I wouldn’t even be close to working in cricket. I also love the indian team, and always have (I’ve supported them against poms, saffas, windies and kiwis). I love the country, especially Kolkata. I love visiting the IPL. I even love Jogesh.

        I don’t love Srini, but then, I don’t love many cricket administrators now do I. If you venture to my death of a gentleman website, you’ll see the screenshot of the trailer has dear Giles with Stanford on the front page. It’s been there for months. Even Giles has seen it.

        In case you missed it, this piece praises an Indian player, stands up for another and takes the piss out of cricket administrators from four nations and the ICC. As always, thanks for reading (and commenting).

  2. Ram says:

    Uncle J, hilarious as usual.
    Davender, I feel you bro. Take the stuff u like and leave the ones u don’t. Life is easier that way. Of all the writers I follow, white/black/brown/green/yellow/(pink, of course) Jrrod needs the least cultural sensitivity course because he usually hides or sugar coats nothing. Let him be will u?

    • davender says:

      Sorry Ram but racism is any form is not at all tolerable. These writers with their colonial mindsets need to be reminded of it at all times or else they become preachy.

      • Ram says:

        i am not sure what your end game is. now i really don’t think Jarrod is prejudiced. but forget him for a while. if i and a million more people join ur crusade (!) whats the plan? tell everybody how to speak and not be offensive to people? and then what? happily ever after? that is neither practical nor funny. nail people if they DO something nasty not if u PERCEIVE mischief.

  3. jogesh99 says:

    From the article:

    It proves one thing, forget cricket, what India really dominate is the comments sections of websites.

    even loser ones like this one…

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