So this is what it’s like walking around the ground at an India v Pakistan game in Sri Lanka.
Many men will dance with each other, some will dance because of the cricket, others will not notice the cricket.
People will stop you and ask you to take their picture, you get good at making a clicking sound with your tongue.
Pakistani fans will abuse Kakmal and Malik.
India fans will abuse Rohit.
Suresh Raina will shush the crowd, and that will make them love him.
Various men of various nationalities will say, “Hey England, fuck you”.
The cheerleaders will look completely jaded unless they think a camera is on them.
Police officers will smile at you.
Police officers will scowl at you.
Police officers will tell you not to go somewhere and you’ll nod and act dumb and go there anyway.
Flags will be waved in a way that only dislocate your shoulder.
Both sets of supporters will look happy at the same time in a way that will confuse you.
Pakistani supporters will stare mournfully at the screen for longer when their team does something really stupid.
A wicket is the greatest moment ever. A six is greater than the greatest.
The crowd will chant Sachin’s name even though he is not there.
A slog will get as much cheer as the prettiest drive Kohli can muster.
Men will stroke each other’s mullets in a tender yet probably completely hetero kind of way.
70% of the crowd will have their countries shirt on.
Someone will take a photo of his mate posing with another friend, then they will all confer on whether the photo is any good, and if not they will reshoot it again and again until everyone is happy with the photo.
You’ll be asked if you are on facebook.
People with face paint are more likely to dance.
People with wigs are more likely to scream.
Pakistani fans will leave earlier enough that they don’t have to deal with too many Indian fans on the way out.
Indian fans will stay, dance and cheer the tv interview.
Pakistan fans will wander the streets in packs of two and three, all wearing similar vintage replica shirts, hours after the game has been lost.
Result: Pakistan have a great bowling attack against anyone who isn’t India, Virat Kohli is batman to Watson’s superman.